How long has it been since I last saw my light? The light that freed me from the memory of Siam, and all the memories that came with him. I'd always told myself I didn't have a need for such a thing. Before I even realized it I found that all my encounters with Canaan- the heated, destructive battles we both took part in- freed me from Siam. Being around her and merely looking at her shattered the chains of my past and allowed me to live in the now, no longer dredged in the past that I wanted nothing more than to leave behind. I didn't always perceive her in this way. It was during that last fight, on the train when she literally had my life in her hands and decided to cherish it, that she became someone incredibly special to me.
I always thought that emotional ties to others was a weakness, to be exploited by enemies. In the end, I was wrong and all my plans went astray. I had expected to kill Canaan, and because of that I didn't see what lay before me. Right in front of my eyes. Siam's ghost still lingered, it suffocated me. At that moment, as I dangled from the train with my inevitable death far below and her warm hand gripped mine, I was filled with the strangest feeling I had ever encountered before. I hated the sensation, yet I also found it wonderful. It terrified me. As Canaan poured her heart out to me, about how I was already dead, for the first time I became alive. But I wasn't ready to face that yet, so I forced myself to fall. As each bullet tore through the bone in my arm, a realization slowly struck home. I lived off these encounters with Canaan. She was my light…she was my everything.
I was in love with Canaan. I had felt the lust, every time I had her at my mercy; I had inwardly trembled at the thought of how much power I had over her. I had ignored it though, I didn't see a need to even acknowledge it. At first I despised the shift from sexual desire to something else. There were so many reasons why. I hated the jealousy that came with it, suddenly I was aware of just how close she was with that girl , Maria Osawa. Mostly I hated how I did not understand it. I'd always despised the feeling of helplessness that comes with confusion. Truth is, I hated many things but especially the chains that I felt binded me. I shot off the mark that bound me to him, the tattoo, the snake. As I fell with my left hand still in hers, along with most of my arm, another realization hit me.
Lust had not changed to love. No, the love had always been there. It had been hidden in the crevices of my heart for so long, I had denied it so much more than I denied the lust. The lust I could accept, yes, it was completely understandable. Canaan was exceptionally beautiful, loyal and kind, yet able to get what she wanted and the job done at the same time. Hair of snow and skin of caramel. The skin I had always wanted to touch. Yes, the lust was very reasonable. Who wouldn't desire someone like her?. However, love? Alphard did not love. Love was completely unacceptable, incomprehensible. Someone like me…was incapable of such emotions! That's what I told myself for so long. I told myself also that love was a weakness, love was pathetic, love was ridiculous, love didn't truly exist! Yet the proof was right in front of me.
What is love, anyway? Back then, I didn't know. I thought Liang Qi completely and utterly foolish for using "love" as her motive for action. After all, it did end up leading her to death quite young. Not only did it blind you, hinder you, it also made you at risk of hurting yourself, and being hurt by others. Liang's love was unrequited, so was it worth even loving me in the first place? Was it not more sensible to kill it, to run away from it? Why risk not having the person you desire not want you back? Of course, Liang was blind to how uninterested I was. That of course supported my view of love, how ignorant people were who fought for it. Liang was so blinded by her desire for me that she chose not to see the truth.
As I fell to my death, I suddenly understood it all. I didn't want to die. I wanted to see Canaan again. I wanted to explore this feeling, this excitement. The truth is no one chooses who they love or when it happens. Love is one of those emotions that are impossible to understand, because it's different for everyone who feels it. Sometimes it's hard to notice, and sometimes it consumes you as it did with Liang who needed me so badly that even the physical pain I gave her became pleasure. Looking back, I had even cared about Liang to an extent; she was like a little lost puppy, following me around. She needed me, and for a while, I liked the sensation of someone depending on me and my approval. But It became too much and I was cruel, so I played with her as if she was a toy. I would do everything differently now.
It's been two years since those events. But I've realized that time doesn't matter at all; all that does matter is I'm alive, here and now. And that Canaan accepted my request, and came to see me. My arm has not been replaced; I don't think it ever will be. Mentally, I am stable for the first time. I'm not the same as I used to be, strength-wise. I just don't have the same capabilities, but I'm alright with that.
All that matters is Canaan.
"Alphard Al Shua," I tremble slightly at the sound of her voice. My heart hammered. Her voice has more power over me than it ever had before. I believe the proverb goes, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." It was true; being apart from her for so long makes me understand how very precious Canaan is to me. "It's been a very long time."
"I see you've stolen my style, Canaan," I teased. My flirty tone is unfamiliar, even to me. She raised a single slim eyebrow, her eyes the color of roses.
"I wasn't aware you had a sense of humor," Canaan admitted softly. There's a glint in her eyes and she cocks her head . "You are a very strange color now Alphard."
She says it casually. My lips curl into a smile; and I shift my single hand in the pocket of my black trench "I've changed a lot since we last met. Gained a lot of "things. Like a will to live, a new understanding of the world...and a sense of humor is but one. Do you remember what I told you, how there is no need for two Canaans?" The white-haired girl nodded, seeming very interested in what I had to say next. She has her weapon in her hand, but I can tell just from her expression that she knows I mean no harm. That she has no plans to use that gun. "That's true. There isn't. So, I am no longer Canaan; I can accept that now more than ever. That person does not exist, the person I was before I killed Siam or the one that wanted to kill you afterward. In fact, I haven't killed a single person after that day."
She rests her finger on the trigger of her handgun, pointing it at me and cocking her head slightly. She is so beautiful, that just looking at her makes me beyond happy. Even with a gun pointed at my face. "Interesting story, Alphard. Then I am very much curious on why I was told by Natsume to kill you, you are the one-handed woman, of that I'm sure."
"Of course it's me unless you know any other amputated women. In truth, it was a favor. I was so desperate to see you again, and I had enough money to convince her," I said softly, I am enchanted by her as a stray breeze blows her porcelain hair. Gorgeous. She narrows her eyes slightly, curiosity evident in the now chestnut orbs.
"How did you even survive…..and why do you want to see me in the first place?" She demanded and it was clear to me that she doesn't like confusion either.
I smiled, a bit embarrassed. Despite that, I have come to terms with my feelings for so long, that nothing would be able to hold me back from telling her what I felt inside. "Because I love you. As for how I survived, I don't really know. I wasn't hurt all that bad either considering that I'm fully functional, I like to think it's fate," I murmured.
I looked up into the midnight sky. Standing here, on this rooftop, with Canaan. I've waited so long for this night. "I know you won't ever forgive me for what I did, I don't even know if I can forgive myself, but I know things now that he had been trying to make me understand all along."
"That doesn't matter anymore Alphard, I'm past all that. Are you truly so twisted that you'd try to get rid of Siam's memory by playing with my heart?" She asked in a low tone.
"I figured you wouldn't understand," She stiffened as I reached into my coat, I know she thinks I was about to attack her, but I was done with the violence and destruction, I would admit that a part of me still yearned for it, but I didn't want to be consumed by it again. The clear plastic covering crumpled in my hand as I pulled the item out. She was more confused than ever as she saw what I bought for her. "So I would like to make you understand."
"That statement alone makes me even more confused," She whispered, eyes widening at the sight of my roses. I got them for her. "You are so different Alphard…"
"I changed because of you, Canaan," I whispered, stepping closer. Her eyes grow even wider and she stumbles back a couple feet away from me. "What color am I?"
"You…are every color I have ever seen" She finally forced out, seeming frightened. "You are the color…of -knowledge and understanding. Of mental peace and emotional balance. But mostly, you are the color of love, but I refuse to believe…" I wrap my arm around her, pulling her close. It's like hugging a glacier, she is solid, stiff, and refuses to accept it. Then, she slowly began to thaw, and my heart warmed as she rested one arm around my waist, and the other around my neck.
"Canaan. I love you. More than anything in this world, I know it is so hard to believe, and I know that you love Maria, but I want to have a chance."
"Maria? She's a friend Alphard, nothing more, nothing less, I thought you understood that." Her cheeks are red. I can't believe how soft she is in my embrace.
"I can't believe you did all that for a friend. It's too ridiculous," I mumbled, "It terrifies me to think what you would do for a lover then, but I don't care then. If she's not in a relationship like that with you then please, Canaan, please let me try and be your special person. I know I'm so unappealing. I have a missing arm, and I did so many horrible things. But I want to touch you, and I want to be with you for the rest of your life. Please though, Canaan, please give me a chance to redeem myself, to be with you..."
"Alphard, you realize Liang Qi once wanted that of you, and you thought her ridiculous?" Canaan muttered.
I nodded, flinching. Just thinking about that girl made me feel guilty.
"Well, the truth is Alphard... I find you very attractive, and I don't care if you're missing a limb or two,"' She blushed, "because…you are most likely a very important person to me too. You have been for a long time."
I blinked a couple times before grinning, and handing her my bouquet of roses, "Then you accept these?"
"Hmmm, most likely," She snatched them from me, pulling away and crossing her arms.
"Most likely," I deadpanned; that was hardly a commitment. She laughed softly, eyes twinkling. She could obviously tell I was frustrated, and maybe even a little heartsick and worried.
"So lover-girl, where were you planning on taking me after your brilliant confession?" She asked. I scratched the back of my head sheepishly.
"I…I umm, really didn't think that far ahead…"I chuckled and she smirked.
"A date at a restaurant sounds nice to me," She said," but it has to be expensive, also you have to pay for it."
"Jeez, now you're just being cold-hearted," I muttered, but I grabbed her hand. "However, I think I can do that."
That was by far one of the best nights of my life…so was every other that followed, because I was with her. Liang, I think I finally understand you now. I want you to know, wherever you are, that I do love you. Perhaps not in the way you want, but I hope you are happy. I hope you went to heaven, and not to hell. I hope you got over me, and most importantly I hope you forgave me. Lastly, I hope that you are happy for me and that you have lost all the hatred in your heart as I have…
I plan to keep on living like this. For you, and for everyone else I hurt.
And I won't look back, because I have Canaan at my side.