A/N: thanks again for your reviews etc! This chapter was originally meant to be two separate chapters, but I didn't want to leave you without any M/M interaction so I mushed them into one (aren't I nice?)
Matthew began to undo the buttons on his jacket as he stepped into the restaurant. He spotted Tom over at the table already, waving him over. Matthew smiled gratefully at him. He really needed to see him this morning, and was thankful that he agreed to meet for brunch on such short notice. Tom was a security guard at the law firm where Matthew had done his training, and the two had become close friends rather quickly. They shared a lot of the same politics, values and a similar outlook on life, although Tom was generally much more outgoing and care-free.
"Sorry I'm a bit late," Matthew said as he sat down, "I'm not in the best mental state at the moment."
"You're not in the best physical state either, mate." Tom joked, eyeing Matthew's messy hair and mismatched, un-ironed clothing. It wasn't like Matthew to look so dishevelled. It certainly wasn't like Matthew to send him slightly desperate-sounding texts at 6am on a Sunday, telling him that he had a problem he needed help with. "I've ordered for both of us already, by the way, so you can start telling me right now what the hell is wrong with you."
Matthew took a deep breath. He didn't know how to explain what was going on in his brain. The lack of sleep didn't help him make sense of it, either. Maybe he should just be blunt, and work from there.
"Mary and I kissed last night." He was sure that the look of shock on Tom's face was reflected on his own. He'd spent all night running over what had happened in his mind, but to hear himself actually say the words out loud shocked (and, irritatingly, excited) him.
"Mary? As in, Mary Crawley?" Tom shrieked. Matthew vigorously batted his hand at Tom, to indicate that Tom should seriously consider lowering his voice, as he frantically looked around at the other tables to make sure nobody heard. They were miles away from where Mary lived, but he didn't want to risk anybody else hearing about it. Especially if they knew Lavinia. Maybe it hadn't been a sensible idea to choose a public place to tell Tom about this.
"Yes, her." Matthew hissed. Sensing that Tom was, for once, short of things to say, Matthew began to explain the events of the evening to him. Tom leaned across the table with wide eyes, like a little boy being told a scary story in the playground. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"Wait, so it was her idea to kiss? You didn't initiate it?" Tom clarified, once Matthew had finished. Matthew nodded hesitantly, but there was the unmistakable look of guilt in his eyes. "…Or did you play any part in initiating the kiss?" Tom pressed. Matthew had such a good conscience and strong morals, Tom knew it would be difficult for him to talk about this without any difficulty. He'd have to take his time and pry information out of Matthew slowly and patiently.
"Erm…well," Matthew sighed again, steadying himself for what he was about to admit. "I suppose I can't lay all the responsibility for the kiss on her," he began to speak very quickly and softly, so much so that Tom had to strain his ears to hear what Matthew was saying. "While we were dancing, I found myself, sort of, pulling her closer towards me- and holding her a bit more…possessively…than was, perhaps…appropriate. And then, when she asked if I wanted her to show me how to kiss-" Matthew sighed again, "looking back on it now, she was probably just joking, but I took it as a proper invitation. I was the one that leaned in. And once we were kissing, I was the one that deepened it. I definitely got a bit carried away." Matthew concluded. He felt a sense of relief at having admitted his culpability in what happened, but a simultaneous deepening of the guilt that had been gnawing away at his conscience throughout the night. He felt like he just wanted to crawl away into a hole and pretend none of this had happened.
Tom noticed the despondent look in his friend's eyes. He knew that Matthew must be eating himself up about this, but he needed to ask more questions. "So, this kiss…what kind of kiss was it?" Sensing Matthew's discomfort at the open-ended question, he decided to make it easier for him. "OK, just nod for 'yes' and shake your head for 'no'. Was there any tongue involved?" Matthew winced, his eyes focused on the tablecloth, then nodded once, slowly. "Was it just her tongue involved?" Tom couldn't believe they were having this conversation. Matthew shook his head reluctantly. "Right. Do I take from this that there was a meeting of tongues?" Both friends were growing increasingly uncomfortable during this inquisition.
Matthew practically recoiled. He couldn't take these questions any more. "Evan and Lizzy." Matthew stated simply. At Tom's bemused expression, he clarified "At your birthday last year. Remember Evan and Lizzy?"
Realisation dawned on Tom's face at the memory. Two of his good friends had drunkenly got together at his party, causing quite a spectacle. "You and Mary kissed like that?" Tom cried. "Holy mother of-" Tom stopped himself as he noticed the pained look on Matthew's face. He didn't want to make him feel any worse than he already did. "Right, well…that clearly means that you both enjoyed it. So…" Tom trailed off. "Do you think you'll pursue it? With Mary?"
"I don't bloody know, Tom" Matthew said bitterly, tilting his chair back and leaning his head against the wall behind him. There was a minute or so of silence. "I can't just break things off with Lavinia. We've been together for almost two years." Matthew finally said, wearily.
"Mate, you can't stay with someone just because you feel obligated to. You wouldn't be doing Lavinia any favours if you stayed with her while you had feelings for Mary, anyway." Tom explained as gently as he could. Matthew was obviously in quite a volatile state.
"I do still have feelings for her, though. She's such an amazing girlfriend." Matthew said so softly that Tom began to wonder if he was talking more to himself than he was to Tom. "Oh God, I can't believe I cheated on her." Matthew threw his head down onto the table with a thud, his hands reaching up to pull at his hair. He painted a rather pathetic-looking picture.
"Mate," Tom began. He hated seeing his friend like this. "Don't see it that way. Look, maybe you just had a moment of weakness. You've not seen Lavinia in a while, right?" Matthew nodded, his head still face-down on the table. "Well, maybe you just momentarily forgot how much you love her. And being presented with the opportunity of kissing Mary Crawley, you sort of lost your head a bit and went for it. There aren't many guys, single or not, who wouldn't have gone for it." Tom tried to assuage his friend's worries.
"But I'm not that kind of guy, Tom." Matthew finally raised his head off the table. "I don't give into things like that. I'm loyal." Matthew sighed for what seemed to Tom like the thousandth time. Matthew had always prided himself on being a 'good boy'; sincere, trustworthy and with good morals. These were qualities that had always helped him in life, whether in relation to his career (it was rare to find a lawyer with such qualities these days) or in relation to his love-life. Girls had always appreciated his honesty.
"I know, mate." Tom sympathised. He was beginning to feel like Matthew was making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Granted, it's not exactly admirable to kiss another girl behind your girlfriend's back, but God knows how Matthew would react if he'd fathered a child by another woman! "But put this behind you. You're still the same guy you always were. It just was a mistake. Nobody's perfect. It didn't mean anything." Tom said with a confidence that he did not possess. He was sure that the kiss must have meant something to Matthew, otherwise he wouldn't feel this guilty. And Tom had been rather suspicious recently of the amount of time that Matthew and Mary had been spending together. Although Matthew had generally been quite popular with girls, thanks to his dreadfully handsome face and lovable personality, he'd never spend much time with a girl unless he was in a relationship with her. Mary had seemed to be an exception.
Matthew took a while to let his friend's advice sink in. He's right, Matthew's brain told him. You just had a stupid moment where you forgot who you were and what your principles are. You're in a loving, committed relationship. Don't let this lapse of sanity ruin that. Eventually, Matthew looked up at his friend and nodded. "You're right. I just need to forget this ever happened. There's no point dwelling on it."
"Exactly." Tom tried to offer a reassuring smile, but wasn't sure if he managed it convincingly, given that they hadn't really explored Matthew's actual feelings for Mary, or given any thought at all to Mary's feelings. He was beginning to doubt the soundness of his own advice. "Just a silly mistake. And maybe don't see Mary for a little while." He added. "I think seeing her would just confuse you again. You need to spend some time alone with Lavinia. You've both been so preoccupied lately that you've hardly seen each other! Spend some quality time with her and I'm sure you'll be certain of where your feelings truly lie." Wow, Tom thought to himself, I'm quite good at bullshitting.
Matthew's nods became more confident. "That makes sense. I might go and see her right now, actually." Matthew felt a wave of positivity wash over him. He threw some money down on the table next to his uneaten food, stood up, grabbed his jacket, and made to leave. "Thanks so much, Tom. This has really helped." He gave his friend another grateful smile.
"No problem at all." Tom smiled back. "Tell Lavinia I say 'hello'."
"I will do," Matthew gave Tom an appreciative pat on the shoulder as he strode past, and out of the restaurant.
Now it was Tom's turn to sigh. I hope this doesn't get messy, he silently prayed.
Mary slipped on her flats before walking out of the house. She didn't have the energy for heels today; she'd not slept well last night. Millions of thoughts were whizzing around her mind at the same time, and she was determined to put an end to it. This needs to be sorted out today, she told herself as she defiantly put her keys into the ignition.
A while later, she paused in front of Matthew's door. Drawing herself up to her full height and taking a deep breath, she pressed the buzzer for his flat. Despite her attempts at calming herself down, she couldn't quell the nerves bubbling up inside of her. She had no idea how she'd react when she saw him. More worryingly, she had no idea how he'd react when he saw her. Neither of them had given the other any indication whatsoever of what they thought the kiss meant.
There was no answer. She buzzed again. Her foot began to tap on the floor, revealing her impatience. Realising he wasn't at home, she leant back against the wall behind her and sighed. She wasn't sure if she was frustrated that he wasn't at home, or relieved. Perhaps she should take more time to think about what she wants to say to him, before she sees him. The problem is, she thought, I won't know what I want to say to him until I see him. A troubling thought suddenly popped into her mind- what if he saw me pulling up to the flat, through his window? And he's deliberately ignoring me?
Mary didn't have long to ponder this thought, as she heard footsteps and two voices nearing her.
"Oh, Mary!" One of the voices said. Mary recognised it immediately. She turned around, and was greeted with Lavinia's cheery face and outstretched arms. "I haven't seen you in so long!" Lavinia cried as Mary reluctantly stepped into her embrace. Evidently Matthew hadn't told her about what happened last night- but what did that mean? "Matthew didn't mention that you were coming over today."
Mary, still caught in Lavinia's clutch, slowly directed her gaze towards Matthew, who was standing a couple of paces away. He didn't look very happy. His eyes were what could only be described as 'steely' and his jaw was set. Mary had hardly ever seen him look so displeased. Why would he be angry at her? Of all the possible reactions Mary had envisaged Matthew having, anger was not one of them. It wasn't like Mary had inflicted the kiss upon him non-consensually. Her thoughts were interrupted by Lavinia stepping away and smiling at Mary expectantly.
"Oh…well this wasn't really a planned visit. I was on my way to Greenwich so thought I'd make a little pit-stop in Clapham and say 'hello'!" Mary replied breezily. She noticed Matthew's eyebrow raise slightly at her lie. He was rather impressed.
"That's so nice!" Lavinia responded enthusiastically. She looked up at Matthew. Matthew managed a small smile, before he cleared his throat somewhat uneasily.
"Yes, that's lovely" he replied, but Mary could sense the edge to his tone. "Lavinia and I were just going to spend the afternoon together, so…we'll see you around." Matthew said as he put his key in the front door and began ushering Lavinia through it.
"Oh no, Mary must come in for a bit! It's been so long since I've seen her, and it must have been a while since the two of you last met! And she's come all the way over here." Mary noticed Matthew gulp uncomfortably at Lavinia's innocence.
"It's fine, I don't want to intrude on your time. I didn't realise Matthew would be with you." Mary finished, ensuring her words were coated in an accusatory tone. Matthew kissed her with unmistakeable passion last night, and the first thing he does the next day is run to Lavinia?
Feeling Lavinia staring at him expectantly, and not wishing his behaviour to appear suspicious, Matthew felt the need to say, "Nonsense, it won't be an intrusion. You can join us for a bit." He avoided looking at Mary as he said this, though, knowing that she'd be able to detect his insincerity. He really did not want to see her today, or for a while. Why had she come here? If she so much as hinted in front of Lavinia that anything had happened between them the previous night…God help him. He stepped aside, letting the two other sides to this triangle he'd suddenly found himself in enter his flat.
The first twenty minutes of Mary's stay comprised mostly of uncomfortable silence. Lavinia had run out of polite questions to ask Mary, Mary couldn't bring herself to make proper conversation with Lavinia (given what she'd done with Lavinia's boyfriend not even 24 hours earlier) and Matthew remained almost completely silent, his gaze and words directed solely at Lavinia.
Mary was infuriated. How dare he treat her like this! He wasn't even looking at her. Every time she spoke, she noticed him physically flinch. She'd only visited because she felt it was necessary for the two of them to sit and discuss what had happened. How could he not agree? Did he plan on simply pretending that the kiss had never happened? Did he want to pretend that Mary didn't even exist?
Matthew's discomfort was rising exponentially. He could feel the daggers that Mary was throwing at him with her eyes. He knew that he was being incredibly rude, and it probably wasn't fair to be this cold to her, given that they'd played an equal part in what had happened, but he couldn't risk looking at her or speaking to her. Not while Lavinia was in the room.
"Well, I'll go and make some tea, then, shall I?" Lavinia suggested softly as she stood up and made her way to the kitchen. Mary surmised that she just wanted an excuse to escape the unbearable awkwardness in the living room. As soon as she saw the kitchen door close, Mary picked up the nearest cushion and flung it violently at Matthew's head.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" She hissed at him, struggling to keep her voice low. "What are you so angry about?"
"What am I angry about?" Matthew whispered back as he massaged his head, his agitation clear. "I'm not the one who just hurled a pillow at your head!"
"From the moment you saw me outside, you've been upset about something. I can see it." Mary stated firmly, leaving no room for argument. There wasn't time to debate something so obvious; there were so many other things that needed to be cleared up. "I only came here to talk about what happened last night. How was I supposed to know you'd be with Lavinia?" She asked, exasperated. "How was I supposed to know that you would rather see her first than speak about it with me?"
Matthew felt his anger subside slightly. Of course she'd only come over to talk about what happened. Deep down he knew that she hadn't intended on causing him any further problems- she wouldn't have even expected him to be with Lavinia. Nevertheless, this was not a conversation he either wanted to have or was ready to have. "Look, we can't talk about this now," Matthew began, nervously glancing over his shoulder towards the kitchen door. "But you have to understand that I'm with Lavinia. You can't expect me to throw that all away." He said, still avoiding Mary's eyes. He was too afraid to look at her properly. He felt like he'd got this problem more-or-less sorted in his head, after his talk with Tom. Looking at Mary, reminding himself of what they'd done- it might throw him off course again. He needed to be strong. "So I think it would be best if you just leave." He added, his gaze trained on the rug near his feet.
Mary's eyes widened in shock. Did he think she had come over to beg him to leave Lavinia and be with her? What an arrogant prick. "What on Earth makes you think I was going to ask you to break up with your girlfriend? You think I came here to throw myself at you? Do you really think I feel that strongly about you?" Mary said defensively, ignoring the challenging voice in her head that answered those questions affirmatively. She felt that admitting her feelings to him would give him the upper-hand and somehow compromise her self-respect. She'd never revealed her feelings before the object of her affection revealed his feelings to her, and she wasn't about to start now. Besides, Matthew was being so obnoxious at the moment, she wanted nothing more than to take him down a peg or two.
"Well you threw yourself at me last night, who's to say you wouldn't do it again?" Matthew replied, now looking directly at her, almost surprising himself at the coldness and disdain in his tone. He was searching for any way to make Mary leave, so he wouldn't have to deal with this issue anymore. The words he came up with were harsh and unfair, but he almost didn't care.
He couldn't ignore the feeling of guilt, however, when he noticed Mary's eyes become glassy with tears. He'd accused her of flinging herself at an attached man, and suggested that she was capable of doing it again. He'd essentially implied that she was something of a home-wrecker.
Mary stood up slowly, clutching her handbag. She didn't want to be here any longer. Not with a man who clearly had no respect for her and couldn't even bear to be in her presence. Without a word, she walked past Matthew and out of the front door.
I hope you're not too mad at Matthew! He does have his reasons for being douche-y, which I've tried to make clear.
I know you all lead busy lives, but if you could drop me a line just to mention a particular line etc that you enjoyed, or something that you didn't like, it will let me know if I'm on the right track! xxx