Dean sighed as he pushed open the door. Lisa ran to greet him.
"Hey babe," she said, kissing him. Dean smiled a bit and hugged her.
"Hi. I'm sorry I left so suddenly. Just needed some–"
"Time alone," Lisa said, finishing Dean's sentence. Dean nodded.
"Yeah. I just had to think about a few things…"
"You look tired," Lisa said. Dean nodded.
What am I going to do? I can't do this. If I lie to her, I'll eventually have to leave. If I forget what happened with Cas, well, I can't do that. Fuck me, Dean thought. He ignored his mind's troubles.
"Yeah. I didn't sleep much. Just um, sat in the tent and thought about things," Dean said. He didn't want to lie, but he wasn't going to tell Lisa what had really happened.
Lisa sighed and pulled Dean into the kitchen. On the way, Dean dropped his bag by the stairs. "Well, you're here just in time. I made dinner, and there's enough for three," she said, winking. Dean looked around and saw Ben, sitting at the kitchen table playing on his phone.
"Hey," said Dean, looked at Ben. Ben immediately looked up.
"Where did you go?" he asked. Dean shrugged.
"Camping," he said. Ben looked at Dean, puzzled. He shrugged too and looked back to his game.
"Ben put it away. It's dinner time," Lisa said, looking at the boy sternly. Ben nodded and put his phone in his pocket. Dean walked over slowly and sat down next to the young boy. He knew, deep down that Ben was probably his son. They were too similar for it to be mere coincidence. And that made him feel even worse about how he knew that one day, he might need to leave them again. The broken family had a quiet dinner, and Dean thought deeply about the future as he ate his pasta. He thought about Cas, and if Sam would ever come back.
"I'm going to go to bed. I feel wrecked," he said as soon as they finished dinner. Lisa nodded, not saying anything, and Dean walked upstairs, grabbing his bag. When he came to the bedroom he threw it on the bed and walked into the bathroom. He closed the door, locked it, and turned on the sink to splash his face, feeling like he was in a nightmare.
"Hi," came Cas's calm voice from behind him. Dean jumped and turned around.
"I really don't like it when you do that, you know," he said irritably. Cas sighed.
"Sorry. You're in pain. Why do you put yourself through this?" he asked. Dean clenched his fists and began to breathe heavily.
"I don't know Cas. I just can't do this. Look at them. I know already that one day I'll leave again. I won't stay here. Sam and I–our whole family, we're freaks. Winchesters just don't sit in fake, happy houses with children. We don't just live normally with a routine job. I can't do it. I can't live with myself. Our dad –my dad…" Dean said, correcting himself.
"Dad wanted me to hunt. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps. He's been dead for a long time now, and now Sammy's gone too. You'd think that it would make me want family even more, but I don't. I fell into the normal thoughts in that motel. I began to think about the normal worries, feel the normal paranoia of being a hunter. I cleared my tracks before I left. I even made sure that I wasn't followed on the way home. It's been almost a year now and I actually want to hunt again. What should I do, Cas?" Dean asked desperately. Suddenly Dean heard footsteps and then there was a knock on the door. Dean whipped his head around to look at it.
"Everything okay Dean?" came Lisa's disembodied voice. Dean sighed and looked back to Cas, but he was already gone.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just was going to shower," Dean lied.
"Okay. Well, Ben's in bed. I'll be in here when you're done," said Lisa.
"Alright," said Dean, beginning to strip. He stepped into the shower and turned the water on high. The scorching droplets nearly sizzled on his skin, but Dean didn't care. He wanted to burn. He sighed and tears began to flow out of his eyes. After a shower that lasted so long that the water went cold, he walked into the bedroom to find Lisa asleep. He put on pajama pants and climbed in next to her, instantly falling into dreamful hell.