Santino resisted the urge to throw the money up into the air and roll around in it and quickly zipped the bag back up. He'd have plenty of time to do that when he got up into his room and had some privacy. Now, all he had to do was figure out how he was going to check into the hotel.
He thought a moment, then opened the suitcase and took out one of the straps of bills. One hundred 100 dollar bills, he was holding ten thousand dollars in his hot little hands. It made him a little giddy. He peeled off ten of the bills and stuck the rest back into the suitcase.
He took a deep breath and walked through the front doors of the hotel. He could see the night clerk at the desk look up, and then do a double take as he saw the disheveled man dragging the large suitcase. Santino walked up to the desk, grateful beyond words the clerk was a man.
"Um, how can I help you sir?" The clerk said, looking him up and down.
"I need a room." Santino said as if half naked men walking into a hotel in the middle of the night was a perfectly normal thing.
"O…K sir. Do you have a reservation?" The clerk asked.
"No, I do not. " Santino replied.
"OK, "the clerk looked at his computer and tapped a few keys, "do you have any ID?"
"Yes, here is my ID," Santino said and handed the clerk two of the 100 dollar bills. The clerk's eyes widened when he saw the money. He looked around surreptitiously and nodded as he palmed the money.
"Why of course, Mr. Smith. I can find a room for you. Do you have a major credit card?"
"Yes, here you go," Santino handed him another 100 dollar bill.
"Ah, thank you Mr. Smith. And would you prefer a smoking or non smoking room?"
"Non smoking please, "Santino said, "With a king sized bed."
The clerk typed busily for a few minutes then nodded, "Yes, sir, I've got a king sized bed, non smoking room and a spectacular view over the city. That will be $152.35."
Santino handed him two more of the bills. "Keep the change." He said.
"Thank you, sir. Will you need help with your bag?"
Santino shook his head, "No, no. I can manage." He took his room key and headed toward the elevator. It had worked! Now, if he could only figure out how to get some decent clothes!
The room was large and comfy. The first thing he needed to do was take a shower. But what about his money? He didn't feel safe just leaving it sitting out in the room. He finally decided to bring the suitcase in with him to the bathroom and lock the bathroom door. At least he would be able to keep an eye on it.
Ahhhh, a shower never felt so good. He let the hot water sluice over him. All of those women pulling and pushing and clawing at him made him feel as though he'd gone a 60 minute match with The Big Show. He washed his hair and rinsed off before stepping out of the stall. He found a fluffy white hotel robe hanging on the door and put it on.
Now, this was more like it. He felt his stomach grumble. Hmmmm, he was a little hungry. Maybe he should look up room service. He stretched out on the bed and clicked on the TV.
"…the largest bank heist in state history. Again, the suspect is WWE wrestler Santino Marella. He is considered armed and extremely dangerous. If you have any information on the suspect please contact Clark County…"
Santino sat bolt upright in the bed. Wha-?
The news reporter had already gone on to the next story.
Wait, wait, wait!
He clicked the remote, frantically changing channels, trying to find another news report. There! A reporter was standing in front of a Wells Fargo Bank. There were so many police cars parked behind him it looked like a police convention.
"…at the scene of today's terrifying robbery. At 6:30 this evening a man dressed in nothing but a wrestling singlet, later identified as WWE wrestler Santino Marella, entered the lobby of this Wells Fargo bank. Brandishing a gun, he locked the tellers into a back room and forced the manager to open the vault. Once he cleaned out the vault, he locked the manager inside. All in all it is estimated he made off with approximately one million dollars. He is suspected to still be in the area. If you see him please do not approach as he is considered armed and extremely dangerous. Contact your local police department if you see this man. Again, the suspect is WWE wrestler, Santino Marella….."
The remote fell from Santino's slack fingers.
That damned genie did it to him again!
He grabbed the lamp and rubbed it furiously. Nothing happened.
"Damn it!" he shouted and the lamp against the wall.
What was he going to do now?
Flickering lights, red and blue splashed against his window. Oh crap. He crawled over to the window and peeked between the slats of the blinds. Two police cars were pulling up down in the parking lot. Oh no!
The clerk must have seen the news report and called the cops!
He leaned against the wall and slid down. What to do?
He looked around the room. He had to get out of here. How was he going to do that? He had no clothes and the lamp wasn't responding. He heard a sound out in the hallway. He rushed to the door and looked out the peephole. A hotel worker delivering room service was approaching down the hall. Santino watched and waited until he walked past the door, then darted out and got the man in a headlock.
"URK!" the man yelped before Santino shifted his grip and tightened it into a sleeper hold.
"I am very, very, very sorry," he apologized as the man stumbled, staggered and then went limp. Santino dragged him back into his room and quickly stripped off his clothes. Crap! He was taller and skinnier than Santino. The button up shirt strained at the buttons and he couldn't zip up the pants. The hems of the pants puddle on the floor around his feet. He rolled up the hems and pulled the tail of the shirt out covering the open fly. Hopefully, it would do.
He looked at the suitcase full of money, trying to decide whether to take it or if it would slow him down.
"Ooooh, "he whimpered and finally grabbed it. If he was being chased for it, might as well take it! He peeked out into the hallway, it was empty. He quickly walked toward the stairwell. As he passed the elevator, it dinged and the doors began to open. He bolted for the stairs.
"STOP! FREEZE!"
He threw a panicked glance over his shoulder and saw two police officers charging out of the elevator and running after him. He dropped the suitcase and dashed for the stairs. In the stairwell he could hear the pounding of feet coming up. Oh crap! He only had one way to go. Up. He pounded up the stairs, around and around until he came to the roof exit. It was locked. He'd never kicked a door open in his life but fear and adrenaline gave him superhuman strength and the door burst open at the first kick.
He ran out onto the roof. There was no where to go!
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" a voice shouted. He started to turn when a bullet went whizzing by his ear and almost made him piss his stolen pants.
"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" he screamed, falling to his knees and holding his hands up over his head.
The next thing he knew, someone hit him hard in the back and he fell flat on his face. The cop jammed a knee into the small of his back and wrenched his arms back, slapping handcuffs on his wrists.
"Don't move scumbag!" The voice warned.
"I'm not moving! I'm not fighting!" he cried.
A strong hand grabbed him by the upper arms and hauled him to his feet. They brought him back inside the building and downstairs. The night clerk was talking to a fourth officer. When he saw Santino, he nodded vigorously. "Yep, that's him!"
They dragged him outside to the waiting police car and stuffed him in the backseat. He sat glumly, wondering how many years of prison he was looking at.
"Hi, there."
He glanced up at the police woman sitting in the driver's seat. She was looking at him in the rearview mirror.
"Hi," he said dejectedly. Oh, god. His poor mother, what was she going to think?
"My name is Karen, what's yours?"
He looked up confused. The police woman had turned around and was looking at him adoringly through the steel mesh that separated them.
"Wha-?"
He suddenly remembered. Of course!
He looked out the window. The other cops were still busy, talking to witnesses and retrieving the money from his room. For the time being he was alone with this woman in the car. He licked his lips and gave her a big smile.
"I'm Santino, Santino Marella. Are you a wrestling fan?"
She giggled,"No, but if knew the wrestlers were all as gorgeous as you, I might be!"
He laughed, "Well, if I knew all police officers were as beautiful as yourself, I'd get arrested more often."
She blushed and positively purred as she pressed against the mesh.
He cleared his throat, "Um, look, I gotta tell you, they think I robbed a bank, but I am totally innocent."
She nodded, "Oh yes! I can't imagine why they think you're the robber!"
"Yes, you see, the thing is. If I go to prison, I might not ever get to see you again. And I really think I'm falling in love." He gave her a sad look.
"Oh my god!" She breathed, eyes wide, "You feel it too? I thought it was just me! I never believed in love at first sight before!"
Santino put his forehead against the mesh ,"I know, me neither. It's too bad. We've just found each other and we're going to be parted so soon."
An angry look flashed across her face. "Not if I can help it!" she said. She turned and hit the lock button, locking all the doors. Then she threw the car in gear. The other police officers looked over in surprise.
"Hey! Where are you going?" Santino heard one of them yell.
She stomped on the accelerator and they peeled out of the parking lot.
Santino looked through the rear window and saw them scrambling to their cars.
"They're coming!" he shouted.
She looked grimly in the rearview mirror; "they're not going to catch us!" she shot back. She suddenly hauled on the steering wheel, sending the car into a 180 degree powerslide, throwing Santino against the door. She made a hard right turn into the first alleyway they came upon and then turned off the engine and the lights. 15 seconds later four police cars shoot by the alley, lights flashing and sirens wailing.
Santino's heart was racing. For a second he thought they were going to die!
Karen got out of the car and slipped into the backseat. "Finally, we're alone." She breathed.
"Yes…finally." Santino stammered, "Uhm, would you mind?" he twisted around so she could see his cuffed wrists.
"Oh, of course!" she said and quickly unlocked his handcuffs. Santino rubbed his wrists.
Karen dangled the handcuffs and smiled mischievously, "We could still use these, you know."
Santino gave her a weak smile and leaned away. How was he going to get away from her? He was vaguely aware of something digging into his back.
She was crawling over the seat, into his lap, oh jeez, she was nuzzling his neck. And what the hell was sticking in his back? He reached down and groped around and brought up…the lamp.
He stared at it, unbelievingly. Really?
"Oh, Santino. I love you!" Karen was saying.
"Yeah….I love you too." He said, trying to get out from under her, "In fact, let's play a game."
"A game?" she giggled, "How fun!"
"Yeah, a game! I'll be the police officer and you be the prisoner!" He said with what he hope was an appropriately suggestive leer.
"Ooooh, kinky!" she squealed. "Are you going to read me my rights?"
"Absolutely!" he said, grabbing the handcuffs. "Now, I'm going to cuff you because you are so dangerous." He gently closed the end of the cuff around one of her wrists.
"Are you going to show me your gun?" She said. He yelped as she grabbed him in an unexpected area.
"Um, yes, yes! But not yet!" he locked the other cuff around the opposite door handle.
She was stretched out across the back seat, laughing. Slowly, he started backing out of the car.
"OK, now I am going to get in the front seat because I have to take you into the station."
He grabbed the lamp and closed the back door. He acted liked he was going to open the driver door, then made a break for it, running down the alley.
"Santino?" he heard her confused voice. "Santino?"
He looked back and saw her sitting up in the back seat of the car.
"SANTINO!" Oh shit, now she sounded pissed.
He doubled his speed and was almost at the end of the alley when he heard gunshots. Crap, she was shooting at him! He forgot to take her gun! He rounded the corner and ran as if his life depended on it. He forgot he was wearing stolen pants which wouldn't zip up and nearly tripped and fell on his face as they fell down around his hips. He yanked them up and kept running.
He must have run six blocks at top speed without stopping before he had to slow down, gasping for air. The highway was just ahead and he stumbled into the shadow underneath the overpass. He stopped, bent over, hands on his knees, feeling like he was going to throw up. Ah god, he needed to bump up his cardio.
He was still clutching the lamp and now he brought it up to look at it. He didn't know if it was his imagination or the streetlights but the lamp looked shinier, much less tarnished than when he'd first bought it. He sat down in the scrubby grass, and considered. The thing had brought him nothing but trouble. He should just toss it away. But how was he going to fix the mess his life had turned to?
He could hear the cars whizzing by on the highway above, smell the exhaust. There was a stiff breeze, he was getting cold. Well, he couldn't just sit here all night. He had to do something.
Santino rubbed the lamp.
Smoke gushed out, formed into a huge, humanoid shape.
"I am the genie of the lamp. What is thy wish, master?"
Santino leaped forward and furiously shook his finger in the genie's face.
"Look, you Khali looking fuck!" He said, "You screwed me again! I never robbed that bank! Now I'm a wanted felon!"
The genie looked back at him mildly, "I merely granted your wish, master. You did not specify where the money was to come from. "
"So you thought it would be a good idea to make me a bank robber?" Santino raged. "I thought making these wishes was supposed to help me! You've only made my life miserable since I bought your stupid lamp!"
The genie sighed, "You mortals are all the same. You rub the lamp, 'give me my wishes!' you say but you wish for selfish things. I did warn you to use your wishes wisely. You wish for things when you do not even know what it is you really want. I merely fulfill your requests, you are the one who make them."
Santino considered what the genie said and suddenly felt ashamed. It was true; so far he had only made selfish wishes. Why, the whole world was out there suffering and he was only thinking of himself. He could do so much good! He had the power to change the world with one wish. Maybe he should start using it.
"You are right, genie," he said slowly. "You are right."
He took a deep breath, closed his eyes.
"I wish for world peace!"
The genie said "It is done."
Santino slowly opened his eyes. Suddenly, the world had gone very, very quite.