A/N: Bombshell time folks! *holds it out and drops it*

Chapter Four: Painful Despair

Three months later…

"Oh, I'm so glad to see you!" Helen Pevensie cried as she hurried forward and embraced Peter as they stepped off the train from the Professor's house.

Peter smiled and gently returned his mother's embrace before she broke off the hug to embrace each of her children in turn. It was good to see her after so many months, but it wasn't the same as it had been when they had left. A lifetime had passed for he and his siblings, and he couldn't simply revert to the same person he had been when they had been sent into the country.

The last few months had helped Peter to regain some of his balance, emotionally speaking, but he knew that it would never be the same. He had been an adult. He had been a King. He had been a husband and had been about to be a father. All of those things changed a person deeply. Yes, he was sixteen again, but some part of him would always be that thirty-year-old, and he wasn't sure if he would ever find true balance again.

Despite the chaos of their return, it wasn't long before they were on their way back to the house. All four of the children were shocked at the damage that had been sustained during their absence, although their mother assured them that the bombings were more targeted at military and industrial targets. She had not had to take shelter from a bombing raid for almost two months, which was why it had been declared safe to bring the evacuated children home again.

As they reached their familiar home, they piled out of the car and heaved their bags inside. Edmund and Lucy were chatting happily with their mother about the things they had done at the Professor's, although they were careful not to mention Narnia. They had decided that Narnia was a secret that they needed to keep to themselves, with the exception of the Professor, who already knew all about it.

Peter excused himself and went to take his valise to his room so he could start unpacking. He heaved it up onto the bed and moved to open it, before his gaze fell on the small garden that was just outside his window. His mother loved to garden, and had always kept a small flower bed under his window. Right now, the bed was filled with carefully cultivated flowers, although it appeared that she had started a second plot of vegetables right beside it.

But it was the flower bed that caught his attention. Rich, beautiful violets were blooming, hale and hearty, and the striking color hit him like a blow to the heart, since they were the exact shade of Krisalyn's eyes. He sank down to sit on the edge of the bed and choked back tears, not wanting his mother to come in and find him crying. She would want to know what was wrong, and he couldn't tell her that he was crying over leaving his pregnant wife behind.

Digging into his pocket for a handkerchief, he quickly dried his eyes and stuffed it back into his pocket. He sighed. He didn't know what to think or feel. He didn't want to lose the memories of what he and Kris had shared, but at the same time, he was tired of being blindsided by them at the most awkward moments.

Rising to his feet, he walked over to the window and pushed it open, leaning out and picking one of the delicate violets. He brought it inside, breathing in its sweet scent.

Lucy found him standing there a few minutes later, lost in thought, holding the flower as he absently stroked the petals. She tapped on the open door, drawing her brother's attention. "You okay, Peter?"

Peter nodded and heaved a sigh. "Yeah, Lu. I'm fine."

Lucy stepped into the room and walked over to her brother, wrapping her arms around him. He laid the flower on the dresser and returned the hug, pulling her close. She rested her head against his chest and tilted her face up so she was looking Peter in the eyes. "I wish there was something I could do, Peter."

"I know, Lu. But I have to get through it on my own. That's all there is to it."

"Just know that we're here if you need us, Peter," Lucy chided him gently.

Peter offered her a wan smile.

Three weeks later…

"C'mon, Lucy!" Edmund called, reaching out to help his younger sister out of the cab. "Dad's expecting us!"

Peter held the door to the hospital open for his mother and his siblings as they piled out of the cab. They'd received word from the Army the week before that Mr. Pevensie had been injured and was in the hospital with a medical discharge. They'd gone to see him, only to be told that he wasn't healthy enough for visitors, and that the hospital would notify them when he was.

They headed into the hospital and went straight to the admitting desk to speak to the nurse on duty to find out where Mr. Pevensie was at and what his condition was. The nurse checked into it for them and directed them to a ward set aside for wounded soldiers.

They followed her directions and soon found themselves gathered around William Pevensie's bed. He smiled broadly at them and one by one they leaned over the bed so he could embrace them and give each of them a kiss. There was a hint of pain on his face that all the painkillers in the world couldn't be rid of, but he was genuinely pleased to see them.

"Peter, you've gotten so tall," he observed. "I think you might match me for height, but we'll have to see when they let me stand up," he teased as he gestured at his left leg, which was covered by a clean, white cast and elevated above the bed.

"Yeah, maybe, Dad," Peter teased back, half-heartedly. He was glad to see his father, but looking at William Pevensie's chiseled features (which Peter had inherited, along with his blonde hair and blue eyes), slightly scraggy beard, and well-muscled arms, he suddenly had a flash of seeing himself in the mirror in his bedroom at Cair Paravel, dressing for court, with Kris standing near him, putting the final touches on her own outfit.

He swallowed and tried to shove the memory aside as he stepped back, out of the way, so William could see the rest of his children. He made some comment about each of their appearance, which sent the whole family into laughter.

Finally, William's gaze turned back to his eldest son. "So, Peter, is there any special young lady that I should be made aware of, since I've been out of touch for so long?" He missed the look of near-panic that Edmund, Susan, and Lucy exchanged, as Peter paled, ever so slightly.

Thoughts of Kris, already close to the surface, crashed over Peter at his father's question. He swallowed, trying to ease the sudden dryness in his throat as he suddenly had an image of Krisalyn coming down the aisle in the throne room at Cair Paravel, dressed in her beautiful silver wedding gown. After a moment, he managed to stammer, "N-no, sir. N-no one special." He backed up a few paces, and nodded stiffly to his family. "Excuse me, please." He turned on his heel suddenly, and was gone, out of the ward before anyone realized he had departed.

William frowned after his eldest son, but caught the look that the younger three were exchanging. "What did I say?"

Edmund hesitated before replying. "It's nothing, Dad." The younger boy tried to engage his father in conversation again, but it was obvious that both Edmund's and William's minds were on Peter and his sudden exit.

"I'll go find Peter," Susan volunteered. "He probably just wanted some air. All the smells in here are starting to give me a headache." She turned and hurried away from her family in search of her elder brother.

Peter left the ward as quickly as he could and hurried toward the entrance. He needed to get away for a few minutes, get some air, and compose himself. It had been an innocent question on his father's part, but the reminder was too much. It was still too close to the surface, even after almost four months. How do you set aside nine years of marriage, just like that? Peter would have been willing to pay almost anything for the answer to that question, just to keep from being blindsided by his memories.

Once out on the street, he took several heaving breaths, trying to stop the trembling that had started in his hands when the memories invaded his mind. He closed his eyes and fought back the tears. When…oh, Aslan, when will it stop hurting? Will I ever be able to get through a single day without being hit by these memories?

He leaned against the building, allowing the wall to take his weight so he could compose himself. He buried his face in his hands, and simply stood there, letting the warm sun wash over him and his deep breaths still the trembling. It was several minutes before he straightened and lowered his hands…only to jump in surprise when he saw Susan standing next to him.

"Are you all right, Peter?" she asked, gently, reaching out and laying a hand on his shoulder. "Dad didn't know."

Peter nodded. "I know, Su. I'm okay. It just caught me by surprise, that's all. Sooner or later, I'll get over it and it won't bother me." He smiled at her and reached out to take her free hand, squeezing it gently. "Let's go back inside and join the others."

Susan nodded. "All right. But you know we're here for you, Peter, if you need us."

Peter nodded. "I know…and I appreciate it. But they're my memories. I need to come to terms with it on my own." He released her hand and stepped around her so he could open the door for her.

Susan nodded thanks at him, and entered, Peter following her closely as they started to head in the direction of the ward where their father was recuperating. As they headed across the foyer, Peter thought about their father's injuries. He had a broken leg, a severe concussion, and some minor nerve damage to his arm from some shrapnel that had sliced into his upper right arm. While none of the injuries were life-threatening, when added together, it was enough for William Pevensie to receive a medical discharge. He'd be in the hospital for a little while yet, until the doctors were sure there was no danger of complications from the head injury.

"Someone help us!" a man's voice yelled, and Peter was jarred roughly out of his thoughts. Instinctively, he and Susan both whirled around, intending to answer the call for help.

What he saw though, knocked him mentally off-balance again. "Oh, Aslan…no…"

Susan had been unobtrusively watching her brother as they crossed the foyer towards the ward. She wasn't sure what he was thinking, but he did seem to be in a better frame of mind than he had been when he had all but run out of the ward.

When the call for help came, the part of Susan that was still a Queen responded instantly, allowing her to spin gracefully on her heel and turn to face the sound of the disturbance as a woman's voice was added to the din. Subconsciously, she was aware of Peter mimicking her movements, spinning to see if he could offer any assistance, although he instinctively reached towards his hip, as if reaching for Rhindon.

When he froze suddenly however, she turned her attention fully to him. "Oh, Aslan…no…"

She didn't know what made him react like that and pale so abruptly, so she turned her attention back to the source of the disturbance.

A young man, in his late twenties, she guessed, had just entered the building, half-carrying and half-supporting a very pregnant woman who was yelling in pain. It didn't take her long to realize what had caused Peter's reaction.

Doctors and nurses were running to the aid of the man and the woman, and they quickly rushed her away. Her worried husband (at least, Susan assumed the man was her husband) hurried after them until a nurse politely told him to stop and wait for news.

Oh, Aslan…not now…Susan thought to herself, knowing exactly what was going to be on her brother's mind and unconsciously echoing his thoughts.

"Peter?"

The young King woke at his wife's gentle touch on his arm. Blinking sleepily, his mind still somewhat groggy from being pulled so abruptly from sleep, he rolled over to face her. "Kris?" he muttered, still trying to pull himself awake. "What's wrong?" he asked, coming awake more quickly at the concerned look on her face.

"I-I'm not sure, but I think something's wrong with the baby," Kris said after a moment, a wave of pain crossing her face.

Peter was instantly awake. He rolled over and fumbled to light the small candle that was sitting on the nightstand. Once the gentle glow filled the room he rolled back over to face his wife. "What's wrong, Kris? Do I need to take you to see the healer?"

Another wave of pain crossed the young Queen's face and she nodded. "Yes," she managed to say through the pain. "This – this isn't right, Peter."

Peter jumped out of bed and took just enough time to pull his dressing gown on over his sleeping attire, tossing Kris hers from where it was lying at the foot of the bed. Once she had it wrapped around herself, he went around to her side of the bed and lifted her into his arms.

As he entered the corridor, carrying his pregnant wife, the faun guards that were stationed a little further down the hallway snapped to attention and hurried to the royal couple's side. Peter didn't give them time to ask any questions. "Benel, go, wake the healer. Something's wrong."

The faun did as he was told. Spinning around on his hoof, he hurried down the corridor towards the chambers where the palace healer lived and worked. Peter followed, carrying Kris. By the time that he reached the healer's rooms, the healer was awake and ready for them.

Peter deposited Kris on one of the treatment beds where Jana, the centaur healer, indicated that he should set her down, before she gently shooed him out of the room. When he tried to protest, she only insisted more strongly, until he finally acceded to her demands and left, after gently kissing Krisalyn one more time.

Susan knew exactly what her brother was thinking as she saw the distant expression on his face. She winced. A flashback of one of the most traumatic times in his life was not what he needed right now, especially given his already shaky mental balance after their father asked him about any special girls in his life.

Peter could only stare at the young, dark-haired mother as the doctors and nurses rushed her off to a treatment area, leaving the father to pace the waiting area. He didn't see the strange woman, however. Instead, all he could see was Kris, her face showing her pain as he had carried her down the hallway towards the healer's rooms.

"Peter? What's going on?" Lucy asked, coming down the corridor towards her oldest brother. Her room was not that far from Peter's and the activity in the corridor and the voices of the guards had woken her from a light sleep.

Peter looked up at his little sister, but didn't cease his pacing. He was certain that he was going to wear a furrow through the thick marble floor before the healer came out with news. Fear had gripped his heart and was fighting for dominance with the worry for his wife and unborn baby.

"Kris woke me up. She was in pain. Something's wrong with the baby," he replied to his sister's question, turning on his heel and pacing away from her. Ten steps up the corridor and ten steps back. Back and forth. Up and down. Over and over.

"Oh, Peter," Lucy said softly, "I'm sorry." She turned to one of the guards patrolling the hall. "Please go and summon King Edmund and Queen Susan," she requested quietly. The guard nodded and hurried off.

"Lucy, you don't have to do that. They deserve to get some sleep," Peter protested, his sister's action enough to make him pause momentarily.

"Peter, we're a family. They'd want to be here to wait for news. We all love Kris," Lucy replied firmly, taking a seat in one of the chairs that had been placed in the corridor for people to sit in while waiting for the healer.

Edmund and Susan arrived a few minutes later and together the four siblings waited for news.

When the healer finally emerged from the room a few hours later, Peter was so worried and afraid that he was literally holding onto his composure by a hair. Before he could even begin to demand information, Jana held up her hand and gestured for Peter to follow her out of earshot of the others.

The High King was right on her heels as Jana led him a short distance away. "How is Krisalyn? The baby?" he asked, as soon as they were out of earshot.

Jana sighed. "Your wife is fine, Your Majesty. However, the baby…"

Peter felt his heart leap into his throat. The sad expression on the healer's face was not a good sign.

The centaur looked at him and sighed, "There is no easy way to say this, sire. I'm afraid that the child didn't make it. It was a stillbirth."

There was a roaring noise in Peter's ears, and for a moment he wavered on his feet. "Stillbirth? But how? She was five months along."

Jana nodded. "I know sire. But sometimes these things just happen. There's not always an explanation. It was nothing Queen Krisalyn did wrong. But she did lose the baby. I'm very sorry."

Peter came back to himself as Susan touched his arm again. "Peter, snap out of it. Are you all right?"

Peter blinked several times before focusing on his sister's face. "What? Oh, yes…I'm fine, Susan." he replied, although his words sounded forced.

Susan wasn't fooled. She knew what he must have been thinking about. The baby that Krisalyn was currently expecting was not their first. They had tried once before, after they had been married for about four years. Unexplainably, however, Krisalyn had lost the baby, a boy, when she was five months pregnant. Both Peter and Krisalyn had been overcome with grief for a long time, and they had decided, mutually, to wait a few more years before trying again. Of course, they had not intended to wait for five years, but despite their repeated attempts, nothing had come of it until just now.

"Peter…"she began.

"I'm fine, Susan. Let's go back to the others before Mum and Dad start to worry," Peter cut her off, turning around and heading back towards the ward, settling a calm, composed mask on his face. The expression of the High King. Peter didn't use it often, only when he was desperately trying to keep his emotions in check and still needed to look calm and in control. Susan sighed and shook her head, knowing there was no point in talking to him now. He had closed down on her and wouldn't listen until he was good and ready.

A/N: Don't forget to read and review, folks!