Chapter Nine

Noah Puckerman

After he hit the wall outside the glee club's door, Finn checked himself out, got in his vehicle, and drove to Lima Heights Park.

He turned his truck off and looked around; he could see memories at this park. He looked out at the swings and saw Rachel swinging with him pushing her from behind. He saw them going down the kiddie slide together. He saw him on top of the monkey bars, outstretching his hand to help her up. He saw her everywhere.

Finn pulled the tape player out and played tape Nine.

"Finn, this reason for why I killed myself is dedicated to none other than Puckerman.

"Puck was the one that got me hooked on weight loss pills and painkillers. I guess I could have blamed myself for this one, but I'm pretty sure he knew what he was doing.

"One day after school, Puck approached me at my locker. I looked up at him, and I knew I looked sick, hollow even. I would get home and just lay on my bed, never talking to anyone… never doing anything. When I looked up at Puck full in the face, he jumped and frowned.

"'Dang Berry, you look like this groundhog my mom's cat caught once. It was dead. Kind of like your face. I mean, you still have some pudge there… but good luck with trying to get rid of that, or any other fat for that matter.'

"I pushed past him and ran to the nearest bathroom. I locked myself into a stall and pulled out a compact mirror I had. I looked at my face. I took off my top and looked at the fat and skin that hung over the side of my skirt. I pulled and poked at my belly. I stepped out of my skirt and noticed how much my thighs squeezed together when my feet were pressed against one another. I looked at the fat that dripped from the bottom of my arm. I knew I was always on a chubby side of healthy, but I looked and felt fat. Someone had pointed it out and it finally stuck into me.

"That day at lunch I grabbed an apple and slowly cut it into bite-sized pieces. I ate them each, one by one, until it was gone. I was still starving. I remember, I was sitting next to you and was so tempted to reach over and grab a fry; just an innocent act that I used to always do. I suddenly looked up, feeling eyes on me. It was Puck. He had watched me eyeing your fries and he slowly shook his head.

"I took a deep breath through my nose and calmly stood up. I walked to the ladies room and held my hands on either side of the sink, looking at my fat self in the mirror. I bent my head down, a tear falling, and when I looked back up Puck was behind me, I could see his reflection in the mirror. I turned around.

"'You know what to do.' He said.

"'What?' I questioned.

"'Throw it up, love. Finn doesn't want a fatty on his arm.'

"'I-I don't know how to.'

"And then he proceeded to show me the best way to throw up the apple. I remembered back, a couple years ago when I tried to throw up because I wanted to be thin like Quinn. Ms. Pillsbury found me and I promised her I would never try that again. I broke that promise.

"Once the apple was up and out of my system, I turned to Puck and asked him why he cared.

"'Because you're fat,' was his only answer.

"Everyday after lunch for that week he would follow me into the bathroom to make sure I threw up. At the end of week he slipped me some weight loss pills.

"'What are these?'

"'Ephedrine pills, they help with weight loss. Take them as many as you think you need, but don't OD.'

"I reached up to hug him but he pushed my hands away, saying he doesn't want some whale to embrace him. He left the bathroom and I took a pill.

"Before every meal, I started taking a pill. Within a week I was hooked on those guys. I loved those pills. I stopped eating dinner with my dad, I always told them I was going out to eat with friends or that I ate before I came home. For breakfast, I had a pill. For lunch, I had a pill and an apple. I had a pill before I worked out and as soon as I woke up and got to school When I got home I would neglect my studies to work out. I had a treadmill and would run for hours, not paying attention to time or anything. All I wanted to do was get thin. Thin for you."

Finn sighed. If he realized what he could have done...

"I remember one instance when I went to the gym after school to use some of their machinery. I was on an exercise bike that was near the window in the front. Some kids from school walked by and saw me on it. They started jeering and laughing, pointing out my fat and how much farther I had to go. I got off the bike and they continued with their pointing.

"'Look at the fatty!'

"'That's right fat stuff, get your towel to wipe of the sweat from your fat.'

"'I'm surprised the bike didn't fall from her weight.'

"'How could someone live the kind of life style to were they could get that fat? I just don't understand it.'

"'Omg, look at her legs, they match that elephant I saw at the zoo. Ha-ha! She must be put in a zoo she's so fat.'

"'Look at the way her stomach rolls over! One... two... is that three rolls I see? Ha-ha!'

"And that's how it was. I left the gym out from the back, but not before seeing Puck smile in the background of the people. I cried outside near the garbage cans behind the building. They reeked of people's vomit from working out too hard. My head span and I took another pill.

"The next day at school I reached in my locker for the pills. The bottle was empty. I suddenly had a fear that I would instantly gain back all the weight I had lost in that week in a half. I ran to the bathroom, tears streaming down my face. It felt like I was having a panic attack. Puck saw me and he ran right behind me, asking what was the matter. I told him and he looked at me incredulously.

"'You ate all of them?'

"'Yeah...'

"'You really are a fat Berry, aren't you?'"

I nodded.

"'Rachel, those were forty bucks. I can't get you anymore, at least not until two weeks time. At the least.'

"'What?! I need them now!' I screeched.

"'Here, take these. They're over the counter.'

"'Painkillers?' I questioned.

"'It's a pill isn't it? Just treat it like the weight loss pills, they're a good replacement to make your body think you're taking the previous pills.'

"'But isn't it easy to OD on painkillers?'

"'Sure, but it's not like you've already taken more that you should of the ephedrine's.'

"I nodded and took a pill right there. I already felt better. I continued to take those pills and continued to lose weight. By the time Puck could get me the second set of weight loss pills, I had lost a total of fifteen pounds. I felt good, but not good enough."

Here, Rachel paused and cleared her throat.

"Finn, do you remember the day I passed out in Glee Club?"

He nodded, even though she could not see him.

"I had tried to combine a weight loss pill and the painkillers before walking into that room. I needed the ephedrine's, but I loved the other pills just as much. We were in the middle of singing some LMFAO song as a group, when I just passed out in my chair. An ambulance was called, my dad was called, as was my other dad but he was still in jail from the incident that happened with Blaine and my dad being blamed for hitting me. I was emitted to the hospital and they found the traces of the pills. I was done for. I could no longer take those pills.

"When I woke up, my dad was standing over me and I asked where you were Finn. He told me you had to be somewhere else. He asked me about the pills and I told the truth. The doctor came in and told me what I needed to do and everything. I was to be put on 24/7 watch and miss school for a couple days so that I could be watched. I wasn't listening. I saw Puck outside the door, watching me. He was smiling and shook his head at before mouthing the word, 'Fatty' to me. I hate that word."

The tape stopped with a click.

I wanted to update the other day, but our internet was shut off from not paying the bill. I swear -.- but, please review! Chapter Ten will be up shortly :)