Aki: Please welcome our newest guest to the party 'deidara is awesome'. Senpai, you mind disclaiming?

Deidara: DM does not own Naruto, just the list to this parody, and the chains holding me in this dungeon-

Aki: Senpai! *Slap*

Chapter 5: Pissing Kakuzu Off

Aki glared angrily at the door, feeling the last few months' frustrations tingling up her skin. Sighing, she pounded on the door, and hearing the distracted, "It's open" on the other side she walked in. She was welcomed to the sight of her Sensei staring at the TV, a Wii remote in hand.

"DM, what are you doing?" she asked testily. DM swung the remote violently a few times before murmuring, "Playing Zelda." Aki's glare intensified.

"I can see," she growled. "What I meant was what are you doing here when you should be out there?" She jabbed her head towards the door. "It's been four months since you worked on your fanfiction, and your reviewers are getting testy." She flinched when DM clucked her tongue.

"Those guys never review my stories anyway, why should I care?" she snapped.

"Sensei, this is your most read story. It has over fifty reviews, and over three-thousand hits," Aki said impatiently, knowing this was one of those moments when DM wanted to be slow. DM shook her head.

"That's not saying much," she muttered. "What about all my other precious ficlets?"

"Look, it was your choice to fall in love with a non-canon couple, don't blame the Narutards!" Aki jumped when DM appeared just in front of her.

"But Azureshipping is forever!" she wailed, tears brimming over her eyes. "I haven't even watched Naruto in over two years, and I'm just waiting to hear the news that Naruto is dead." Aki watched as DM sat back down on the couch. "At least in Yu-Gi-Oh Seto is still alive, but all of my love interests in Naruto are crowfood!" Aki let out a frustrated wail before stomping out of the room.

"Fine! Be a jerk! See if I care!" she shrieked.

"Fine!" DM cried.

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"FINE!"

Aki slammed the door, and pulled out her phone. "If Sensei won't help me, I'll just call in some backup." She raised the phone to her ear.

~*O*~

Two weeks had passed since Aki had taken matter into her own hands. Currently occupying DM's secret room in the Akatsuki base, she ran up and opened the door when she heard a knock. She smiled when she saw who it was.

"Glad you could make it Haley," she said, welcoming her in. Haley nodded her blonde head and walked in.

"So where's Me—" she was shushed when Aki flapped her hand at her.

"Around here, we just call her DM," she explained. "And she's going through something right now, so it's just you and me." Haley nodded. "And yes, you'll get your prize as well for doing this for me. So, ya'll ready for this?"

1. Do absolutely nothing (Waste time, waste money!)

Not entirely sure where to start Aki and Haley sat down in the hallway, trying to think up an idea. Aki was clucking her tongue as Haley bit her nails. "So what's the plan?" Haley turned to Aki to ask. Aki was glaring sullenly at a tiny spider that burst into flames from her stare.

"I don't know," she admitted. "DM is the one to do all this crazy stuff, not me."

After a few more minutes of waiting Aki perked her ears when she heard some commotion going on below. Unbeknownst to the two scheming girls above, on the below floor Kakuzu was returning from a mission, looking extremely ticked off.

"I'm just saying that the Land of Waves is looking so pretty this year!" Hidan complained, a volcano erupting at the fact that he didn't curse. Ever since his encounter with that underling Akatsuki member, he's been real messed up. "We never do anything with each other anymore!"

"That is because we hate each other!" Kakuzu cried, his eyes going blood red as he fired a glare at his partner. Hidan broke down into tears and fled the room, calling him a meanieface. Rolling his eyes, Kakuzu made a mental note to find and poison this DM later.

As he began to walk to his room he was too distracted to notice the two girls lounging on the wall, doing absolutely nothing. Aki was sitting cross-legged while Haley had her legs stretched in front of her. As Kakuzu walked by, it was too late.

"AAHHHH!" he cried as he tripped over her. The girls gasped in shock as they watched Kakuzu roll down the hallway. Then fall down the stairs. Then roll out the door. Then fall off the cliff. Then be dropped into the ocean near Kisame's shark friends, who happened to had been fasting.

Aki and Haley gaped in wonder as they heard his cry in the distance.

"Holy hell, it worked," Aki said in wonderment. She turned to Haley. "You're really good at this."

2. Give all of his money to Mr. Krabs. Then say he has to earn it all back by working at the Krusty Krab.

Rushed from the happiness and shock of completing the first order, the two girls immediately went for Kakuzu's secret safe underneath his bed. They actually had to get some shovels and dig their way to it, and deactivate a few laser traps James Bond style, carrying a few singes along the way. The old man was as paranoid as a vampire in a Twilight convention.

"Got it!" Haley cried. Both she and Aki had to drag it out and use some serious mental power to unlock it. Eventually Aki just pulled an Axel and fire-blasted the thing apart. The material was cheap, predictably, and was easy to burn. However, they didn't even have to worry about the money inside.

"Is that…a rupee?" Aki asked in shock. She gently picked up the shining gem, her mouth slightly agape.

"Well, they are usable in every Zelda game…" Haley mulled, as she picked up a 300 rupee.

"Okay, that's it," Aki snapped. "When we get done with this thing, I am going to destroy Sensei's Nintendo Wii."

~*O*~

Although different from his usual currency, the cheapskate crab guy eagerly took the money. He didn't even care about the two human girls who were wearing bulky divers' suits. Thankfully they both remained dry as they reentered the base.

"And now we wait," Haley said.

To pass the time, the two girls went into the game room and decided to torture Tobi a little bit by randomly exclaiming 'ten-tailed' and playing it off that he was just hearing things. After about a half an hour of laughing at the lollipop, the two girls squeaked in terror when a mighty roar vibrated across the hallway. The base actually caught a few inches of air because of it. Once it died down, and the girls managed to stop shivering they walked over to Kakuzu's room.

Opening the door, they managed to keep a straight face as they say the old man near tears as he clutched his safe in woe. Hearing them enter, he turned to glare at them, eyes demonically red.

"You two…" he managed to choke out. "My…money….what did…you…?"

"We gave it to your doppelganger," Aki said smoothly.

"Doctors orders!" Haley cried.

"Leader-sama is very displeased with the lack of funds," Aki continued, lying smoothly. "According to his latest memo you have to work all that money back up by working at this certain restaurant."

Kakuzu looked up at them, shock outlying his features. That's what Aki thought, she really couldn't tell because of the mask. She just stuck out her tongue and slammed the door shut, giving Haley just enough time to give a mocking goodbye wave.

3. Ask him if he and Jack Skellington are distant cousins.

Since Kakuzu had to work eleven hours a day and six hours a night, and anytime at the base he was sleeping, it was difficult to squeeze in time to get to Kakuzu to ask him the question. Since Aki was held up by Tobi on the way there, something about dangos, Haley arrived at the foot of the door alone. Taking a deep breath she tap-tap-tapped on the door, and took a hasty step back.

After a few minutes of grunting and muttered curses the door finally opened, reveling a disgruntled Kakuzu on the other side, dressed in his purple striped pajamas. He glared down evilly at Haley.

"What do you want?" he groaned angrily.

"Kakuzu, are you related to Jack Skellington?" Haley asked much like a stand-up comedian would. Kakuzu stared down at her like she was crazy.

"No."

He slammed the door in her face. Her jaw dropped open in shock, and she stared at the wood in dismay. After a few seconds the loud, earthshaking snores continued. Eventually Haley began to edge away from the door, still shell-shocked.

"Well…that didn't work."

4. Ask him if he was nicknamed 'Tentacle Porn Master' in his village before he joined Akatsuki.

"Hey, it's like that one song!" Aki cried. "I think I love you more than the~ Japanese love tentacle porn~ and we should dance, dance…" she trailed off when Haley started looking at her funnily.

"What are we going to do?" Haley murmured. "Name calling didn't work last time…"

"That's because you weren't annoying enough." The two girls turned in surprise when a familiar voice spoke. "You also need to time it juuust right." DM waved at them, and looked down at the computer screen which read out the list.

"Don't worry Haley; I'll handle this last one."

She grinned maliciously.

~*O*~

Kakuzu was miserable. After another day on shift he had only made three dollars, collectively seven dollars over all, and was in an awful mood. His mood turned even farther south when he heard the light tapping of feet drawing up from behind him. Turning around, he raised an eyebrow when he saw a smiling girl skipping up to him.

"Heeey~" she sang to him. Kakuzu just glared at her as she walked right up to him, popping his personal space bubble. "I have a question for yooou~" Kakuzu thought he would just encourage her with answering, so he just started to walk away.

"Great!" She cried out as she began to follow him. "So I was wondering Kakuzu-kun…was your title 'Tentacle Porn Master' in your village?" Forgetting his earlier plan of ignoring her, the old man rounded up on her.

"W…what?"

"Am I right? Tentacle Porn master~?"

"My name was not—"

"Tentacle Pooorn Maaaster~"

"What the hell in wrong—"

"TENTACLE PORN MASTER!"

"OKAY, THAT IS IT!" The girl raised her eyebrows in shock when Kakuzu shrieked. "Ever since you got here, my life has been nothing but HELL! I work aaalllll day and get barely a cent, I get no time for sleep, and I have to deal with you."

Breathing deeply and cheeks brightly red, he stared up at the girl. She was just smiling. "And my work here is done." She skipped away, leaving a confused and pissed off Kakuzu in her wake. After a few seconds he broke down into tears and ran away to Leader-sama's room, crying hysterically.

5. In case of emergency: Run. Like. You. Mean it!

"No, no the left! You have to go to the left!"

"No! It's up!"

"I've played this a million times people, I know where to—OMFG LINK, NOOO!"

The girls watched in horror as Link fell off the screen. DM cursed, Aki sobbed, and Haley clutched her pillow. "Wait, isn't this the part where we're supposed to run?" she asked. DM shrugged as she began to swing around the remote, knocking Aki in the head.

"Well, since we placed Kakuzu in a mental hospital, he won't be chasing after us anytime soon," she explained. Haley smirked and nodded, murmuring, "Ah". "But this story isn't over yet," DM continued. Pausing the game she stood up and walked over to the closet. Opening the knob she smiled at who was on the other side.

"OMFG, DEM-DEM-CHAAN!" Haley cried out, tackling a surprised Number IX to the ground in a traditional glomp.

"W…what's going on?" Demyx asked with those cute puppy dog eyes.

"Just a foreshadowing," DM said, smirking.

"All's well that ends well." Aki murmured.

~*O*~

DM: HOLY HELL, I actually got this done in less than a year! :D

Aki: Took you long enough…

DM: Hey, shaddup! I was busy!

Aki: Lemme guess, playing Kingdom Hearts?

DM: No. Actually I was studying for my AP Human Geo. test.

Aki: Ho shi— seriously?

DM: No. :3

Aki: …

DM: Please Read 'n' Review my precious ducklings, or else Aki will take over the story again.

Aki: Hey, I did a pretty okay job! :(