Aki: Where the hell did Sensei go again?
Deidara: Please let me leave…
Aki: Senpai, disclaim!
Deidara: Sigh, DM-sama does not own Naruto are any of its associated characters. Only this god-awful parody… Oh, and there is also a spoiler warning for those who have not seen or read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows… though really if you haven't done either of these things you're a freak of nature…
Aki: Wait, Harry Pott—?
Deidara: Please give warm greetings to our guest, Scatter Inner Sakura!
Chapter 6: Pissing Off Kisame
As Kakuzu miraculously kept his mouth shut about DM's true identity (having been shipped off to a mental hospital) Aki and her Sensei got to keep their rooms and disguises with no questions asked. It would have been perfect, if not for the fact that Aki had somehow managed to lose her friend in the few days of rest. They had been coming home from the movie theater one night… and then DM vanished for two weeks.
Leaning against the millionth door that week, Aki sighed hopelessly when she heard nothing on the other side. Thinking that was enough searching for her missing Sensei for one day, she stopped in her tracks when she heard sniffling sobs sound to her immediate right.
"DM? Is that you?" she called out. No response. Trying the door hopefully, and finding it unlocked, she threw it open and was ecstatic to see DM curled up in the closet, although it was slightly dampened when she took a good look. DM looked like she had been crying uncontrollably for days, and her hair was an absolute mess. If Aki didn't know any better, she would have thought DM was dumped by a boyfriend.
"What do you waaaaant?" DM moaned from her little spot on the floor. Aki raised an eyebrow, and suddenly noticed the book cradled in her friends arms. It was a hardcover and was missing its jacket, so she couldn't identify it.
"Where have you been all this time?" asked Aki, more than a little curious of what her friend could have been doing all this time. DM held out the mysterious book to her apprentice with a little mutter of, "Reading." Book in hand, Aki looked down to the spine, and furrowed her brow in confusion.
"Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban?" she questioned. Suddenly she remembered that she and her Sensei had seen the Harry Potter finale a few weeks ago, having forgotten it in light of her Sensei's disappearance. While although Harry Potter was a big part of her friend's life, having had grown up with it, she never expected her to take it's ending this hard. DM sniffled again.
"Do you know the reason why Professor Snape was so mad when Sirius got away?" she asked softly, with a sad smile. "It's b—because he thought Sirius betrayed Harry's mom, and wanted to get r—revenge." Her voice broke at the end, and she entered a fresh wave of sobbing. Aki rolled her eyes but otherwise kneeled down to her Sensei, knowing she needed to be comforted as soon as possible. However, when she moved within arms distance DM practically jumped on her, and squeezed her in a tight, teary hug.
"I—i—it was so sad," she cried out loudly. "H—he died so painfully, a—and then the memories scene was so intense…poor Snape-sama…" She then retreated into violent sobs. Aki then remembered DM's reaction to that particular scene; the girl's body was actually trembling with tears. This, of course, was something to be said, as DM very rarely cried during a movie. Not even when Dobby died had she shed a flipping tear, something that annoyed Aki greatly. Prying her watering Sensei off her shoulders, Aki put on her best comforting voice.
"C'mon, Sensei, it's not like you knew this wasn't coming. You've read the books," she reasoned. That wasn't a day she would soon forget. As DM was rather young when Harry Potter came out, and had no real set opinion about the characters, when her Aunt (also a big Harry Potter fan) voiced her suspicions about Snape's true motives for killing Dumbledore, DM had grown neutral. However, when the final book had finally came out, DM had entered Aki's room in the middle of the night, proclaiming, "Severus Snape is the greatest character ever, and don't you forget it!" and slammed the door. She locked herself in her room and looked up fanfictions for three weeks.
"I—I know…" DM sniffled. "But Alan Rickman was just…wow…" Her eyes grew wide, and her tone slightly dreamy. She broke out into a wide smile. "He's just…fantastic…" Rolling her eyes, Aki otherwise mumbled, "That's the spirit" and lifted the two of them to their feet.
"Now, why don't we go and torture Kisame for a bit, that'll cheer you up!" Walking out of the closet, Aki began to grow excited. "Oooh, I can't wait to see the look on his face when we feed in that soup." She paused when DM uttered a dry sob behind her.
"I remember the look on Severus' face when he was holding Lily…" water-works returning with a vengeance, Aki was surprised when DM roughly grabbed the book from her hands and, with a hand on the door-knob, screeched, "You can continue your childish games without me!" and slammed the door for added measure. Growling deep in her throat, Aki reached for her phone.
"I'm childish?" she muttered, holding up the phone to her ear. "I'm not the one spazzing over a thirty year old…"
~*O*~
"Oh DM~?" Two weeks later, a voice sung in the room of the two Akatsuki subordinates. A curious girl named Elle swung open the door to the small room, brandishing her arms grandly. "Word on the street is that you are moping!"
DM, who was buried underneath bed sheets and mountains of books, groaned angrily, clearly not wanting to be disturbed. Aki walked in after Elle, smirking triumphantly. Elle smiled and began shaking the lump that was DM. "Cmon, silly! We've got a parody to make!" Suddenly DM's head peaked out over the covers, looking worse than she was last time Aki saw her.
"I remember a parody I made of Severus in seventh grade…it was really bad, but so cute…" she then retreated under the sheets again when even more tears came. Elle rolled her eyes, and then suddenly pushed back the bed sheets. DM was so tangled up that she flipped right out of the bed. Grabbing her by the ankles Elle dragged DM out the door, earning a surprised glance from Aki.
"You're going to feel much better after we torture Kisame-Fish-Face, I guarantee it!" she cried out optimistically, dragging DM's dead weight into the hall.
"Meeeaah…" DM moaned, a pillow clutched in her arms. Aki sighed.
1. Steel his sword. When he ask you where it is say, "It's in Florida, some girl bought it for 1,000,000 dollars." When he gives you a murderous look say, "I know, how can a girl want your sword, you're a fish!"
Kisame had been having a decent day that day. He got to kill someone, eat some shrimp, kidnap another someone… He was prepared to go and grab his sword for some last minute practicing with Deidara to call it a day, when he reached his room in search of his sword. That was when his day grew sour.
His precious Sharkskin was nowhere to be found.
He interrogated everyone, Tobi in particular, and had been steadily growing more panicked. When he felt like he was about to go and ransack all the rooms in order to find it, he perked his head when he heard girlish giggling. Turning around he was faced with three very guilty looking girls.
"Missing something Kissi-san?" Elle teased, earning a chuckle from Aki. Kisame had been growing very red in the face, remembering what Itachi had told him of these girls and wanting desperately to know what they had done with his sword. "FYI, some girl in Florida bought it for one million dollars!"
Before he could get a word out, Elle had suddenly pushed one of the girls forward, a rather tired looking girl with a deep frown. "See, D? He's real angry! Doesn't this make you feel better?" It had been slightly rhetorical.
The girl fixed her tired looking eyes on his for a second, and then suddenly bowed. "I'm so sorry Kisame-san, we didn't mean to take your sword, we'll never do it again, I promise!" Aki and Elle both looked positively horrified, and Kisame very confused. Without another word DM shuffled her way past the group, head bowed in shame as she ran the other way. Elle looked over to Aki, as the later sighed deeply.
"DM could never focus on anything with Severus on her mind," she said. "And, though it's not the best thing to say right now, Mr. Rickman did a bloody brilliant job in that scene." Kisame still stood there, looking confused as ever. Elle looked up to him and snapped, "Scram! We'll get back to you in a sec!"
2. When on a mission with him in the middle of a village scream, "So how's the sex coming with Itachi?" If he doesn't answer, ask him again and again.
Scoring a place with him on a mission was extremely difficult for Aki and Elle, especially without the help of her Sensei's Genjutsu. They somehow managed though, and Elle found herself walking along the village path with non-other than Kissi-fish-face. Kisame was very averse to being stuck with this girl for any length of time, still puzzled after the whole sword ordeal the other day. Still trying to be friendly, though, he gave her a weak smile.
She grinned maliciously.
When they had entered the town square, that's when things got strange. He could vaguely sense something building up inside of his temporary partner, and when he was about to ask her what was wrong she suddenly screamed, "SO! How's the sex with Itachi?" At first he was too stunned to say anything to her, but then a searing anger undertook him then. Why did everyone think he and Itachi had a thing? They most certainly did not have a thing.
He tired to ignore her, but as he did her voice steadily grew louder and louder, attracting the stares of the whole square around them. He pinned murderous eyes on her. "J—just shut up!" he screeched. Elle stared at him for a few seconds, and then began to laugh.
She didn't stop until they got back to the base.
3. Say you're going to cook a surprise dinner. When Kisame ask you what is, wait until he already swallowed a spoonful before saying, "Sharkfin Soup!" Stand back as he tries to cough it up.
Aki had, with much patience and persistence, managed to drag DM all the way to the kitchen from her bedroom. Albeit, her friend remained face planted onto the cool kitchen counter, and gazed blankly at the wall. Elle arrived a few minutes later with the ingredients in hand. She narrowed her eyes when she saw DM.
"Why did you have to write me in the chapter where she was a hermit?" she asked, not impressed with DM's groaning. Aki rolled her eyes, and took the food products, placing them on the counter.
"You should've seen her when she was obsessing over Fable," she muttered. "It was always Master Reaver this and Master Reaver that…bloody pirate…"
"Don't forget Logan," Aki perked her head up when she heard DM's voice. She grew hopeful when it didn't sound so sad.
"Y—yeah, can't forget him!" she encouraged, turning back to Elle. "She adored him, wrote fanfics and everything. Heh, you should've seen her reaction when she watched Logan's execution—" She immediately clapped her hand over her mouth when the words left her lips. A dry sob was choked out of DM's throat.
"Why does every guy I like die?" she wailed, a fresh set of tears streaming down her face. Aki tried to fix what she had done. "Y—you have the option to keep him alive!" Far from comforted, DM continued to wail.
"Argh!" Aki looked over to Elle when she cried out. "I'm so sick of this! Stop being so emotional and focus on the parody!" With a frazzled huff she turned heel and stormed out of the room, where she was knocked into Kisame on his way in. "Make your own dinner, fish face!" she cried out to a surprised Kisame and vanished.
4. During movie night, present a national geographic video on a dolphin kicking a shark's ass. When it's over, turn to him and say, "You were beaten by Iruka? I lost all respect for you."
It was two days later and Aki was walking the halls with her new friend Elle, some of DM's Harry Potter books clutched in her hands that had been left behind in the study. "I've almost got her turned around, you'll see." Elle just nodded her head. Low and behold, Kisame had walked around the corner where they were walking. He been doing his best to avoid any of the three girls, as they freaked him out to no end, but when Pein relayed orders to him for the smallest girl he had no choice.
Seeing the gigantic shark approach then, Elle gave a quick "later" before vanishing in smoke. Kisame looked to Aki and said robotically, "Deidara needs to see you in the sixth sector, something about teaching you true art or something…" Aki remembered that one time long ago when she had pranked Deidara. Sighing wearily, she handed the books over to Kisame, not thinking about her actions and saying, "Hold onto those for me, I'll be back later." And vanished in a puff of smoke.
Kisame was reluctant, but otherwise held onto the book. After all, he didn't know what those girls were capable of. Whatever happened to Kakuzu…?
After about a half an hour, Kisame was growing seriously impatient. Whatever Deidara was talking to her about sure was long. So immersed in his frustrations, he was unaware when the atmosphere suddenly changed to an almost deadly intent. He did however, hear it when a loud voice shrieked out, "WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BOOKS?"
Feeling the bloodlust dripping in that voice, Kisame eyed the books in his hands. He was suddenly scared for his life. Before he could move though, the door only ten feet away was kicked off its hinges in a flurry of dust, and a murderous aura walked out of it. That DM girl locked eyes on him, eyes glowing red.
Without even seeing her, the books were snatched out of his hands, and he was met face to face with the Angel of Death.
"Is this where you get your kicks from, huh? Stealing books from little girls? You shark, you annoying shark! Silly shark, beaten by a little dolphin! Iruka, you are pwned by Iruka! FAAAIL!"
Kisame watched in shock as the girl screamed out the words. DM, however, was beyond noticing, having gone into a rage when she couldn't find her books. Of course, when Kisame suddenly broke down in tears and fled the other direction, she bit her lip.
Attracted by the sounds of war, Elle and Aki reappeared to their friend. Aki gave a small smile, while Elle applauded. "A bit more violent than I had hoped, but glad to see you're back, Sensei."
Taking several deep breaths DM gave them both a weak smile.
"About time too, you couldn't have done that three listings ago?"
"Oh, relax; she'll make it up to you in the last chapter."
5. In case of emergency: Run to the underwater city of Atlantis, he was banned from there.
"I'm surprised anyone might have read this long; you didn't even do any of what the listings said."
"Yeah, you mostly moped through the whole ficlet, Sensei."
"Hey, after a scene like that, Alan Rickman deserved a mope. And an Oscar at that." A sad sigh. "Oh Severus…I can still hear his voice now… You have your mother's eyes."
"Ssshhh, spoiler's, Sensei!"
"To who?"
"Annoying gits," DM said simply, grunting slightly at the weight she was carrying. Thinking she might as well go out with a bang, and keep little Kissi-san quiet for a little longer, the girls decided to send Kisame to Atlantis itself by dumping him, unconscious, in the ocean, and see if he was really banned from there, all the while tying a fifty pound ball-and-chain to his ankle, just to spice things up.
"You sure he's not going to die?" asked Aki timidly. DM scoffed and rolled her eyes.
"Honestly Aki, you offend me," she said, though Aki noticed she didn't answer her. With a collective grunt, Elle, Aki, and DM tossed Kisame over the cliff's edge and watched him splash below. DM rubbed her shoulder, wincing. "That was bloody difficult…"
"It probably wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't carry around those books everywhere," Elle pointed out slyly as the trio walked back down the hill. DM clutched her bag defensively, not have let the books leave her sight since the occurrence a few days ago.
"Well, maybe if someone hadn't given them to Kisame," she glared pointedly at Aki, who shrugged.
"Hey blame Deidara; he wanted to talk to me about some big art project. Wonder what he's doing now…"
As the words breathed past her lips, the girls spun around at the sound of a ninja poof. Low and behold, Deidara stood behind them and was glaring at Aki. "Where'd you run off to, I wasn't finished yet, hmm!" As DM had taken a different disguise since dating Deidara, he didn't recognize her at all. Something told Aki that the bomb artist hasn't even crossed her Sensei's mind in months.
Deidara looked like he was about to say something, lips forming an 'O' when suddenly, without warning, DM's face grew a deep shade of blue, and her hand smacked across his face in a clear bitch-slap. "You are dead to me, Deidara-senpai!" He flopped to the floor unconscious. Elle and Aki looked on in shock and horror, once remembering a time when DM loved Deidara, dearly. Aki released a weary sigh, knowing full well DM's reaction to her once love.
"DM, we need to talk about your obsession with Severus Snape," she said with a sigh, while Elle laughed a laugh from her heart.
~*O*~
DM: Ain't anything to talk about!
Aki: He is thirty-eight years old!
DM: I don't bleeding care! I do apologize to all you fans for the wait, I'm a horrible procrastinator. Either way, I just got back from Deathly Hallows (in IMAX nonetheless) and couldn't leave my ranting feelings untouched as I finally sat down and wrote this.
Aki: Writing she says…
DM: I also got some good news: I got me a good ol' Twitter account! If you guys want to follow me, my username PhuLea (Thai for 'Storyteller') and I hope to see you there!
Aki: You can blame Alexis for the Thai…
DM: Please Read 'n' Review! And please go see Deathly Hallows, it is amazing!