DM: Helloooo? *Taps on computer screen* Is anyone still there? *Tap* *Tap* *Tap*
Aki: You know the drill by now, Senpai!
Deidara: DM-sama does not own Naruto are any of its associated characters. Only this parody, Aki Kyria, herself, and the original List.
DM: Sorry for slapping you Senpai. It was an emotional time for me.
Deidara: …
Aki: Please give warm greetings to our guest star, kikizoey!
~*Chapter 7: Pissing Off Zetsu*~
"—and so then I said, 'I don't need to buy a fruit rollup, cuz I'm Batman.'"
"You aren't Batman."
"Well, that guy didn't know it."
"I think he could make an educated guess with the assistance of deductive reasoning."
"That is just so—oh no, wait, here they come!"
The two girls lied in wait tucked in the shadows of the dark alleyway as their target slowly approached them. When the footsteps sounded as close as they would come, the predators leaped from behind the trashcans and blocked the unsuspecting high school students' path. Her books tumbled from her hands as she shrieked out in surprise.
"Follow us, fellow paramount!" The taller of the two cried. Her green eyes were glimmering merrily. "No time to explain!"
The high school student looked at her with wide eyes, trying to scramble away.
"Are you freaking nuts?!"
"We know who you are, Emily," the smallest one said, eerily calm, unlike her friend. "You alone had been chosen by the Fanfiction gods of Creed, and now you must come with us to complete the destiny bestowed upon you. As the chosen one."
"Nice," noted the other girl as she proceeded to yank at the wrist of the girl identified as Emily and drag her along, said girl far too bemused to protest at this point.
"Where are we going?!" the girl yelled, whom was now in the backseat of a (stolen) Ferrari. The other two mysterious (okay, not really mysterious, your dog probably knows who they are) girls were in the front seat, the louder of the two in the drivers spot. Emily was not comfortable with the decision.
"We're off to pull off one of the greatest stunts of all time, one that shall forever go down in history as the…greatest stunt of all time."
"Not as easy as it looks, is it?"
"Oh shut up, Aki."
The student identified as Emily shifted nervously in her seat. "What are you talking about?"
DM grinned from her spot in the driver's seat. "Parodies, Emily. I'm talking about parodies."
Emily quickly buckled up.
1. Rip a leaf to shreds in front of him. When he asks what you're doing say, "I'm teaching your girlfriend what happens when she curses me out!"
"This is stupid," complained Emily, staring sordidly at the beautiful green leaf cradled in her palm. "Zetsu was never even proven to be a botanophilic."
DM smiled. "You use too many big words!" She held up her own set of leaves. "Now rip!"
Once again, for the seventh time in three years, the duo of troublemakers had somehow managed to sneak back into the Akatsuki base, despite the fact that now one of its members is incapacitated, the other missing for weeks, and another diagnosed as mentally insane, even by their standards. Nope, security wasn't even an issue, even though these guys are the most sought after ninjas in the world and therefore would have a top notch defense. You'd think they'd at least have…entry exams or something…screenings even. They could carry around ID's, at least—
"Thank you, third person perspective!" DM shrieked, glaring angrily at the ceiling. Aki and Emily eyed her warily.
"Ignore her, she does that," said Aki.
"NOW!" DM continued to shriek. "Off to find Zetsu-san! This would be entirely pointless if he's not here!"
"Because this promised so much point to begin with?"
"Oh, shove off, Kyria!"
Emily looked cautiously at the door. "Isn't it a little bit dangerous to be hanging around a known cannibal's sacred ground of worship, intentionally vandalizing his property?"
DM scoffed, patting her associate's shoulder. "Oh relax, everyone knows that Zetsu only eats people when they—"
"When they what?"
All three girls shrieked in horror and whirled around to meet the face(s) of Zetsu, hiding the shredded leaves behind their backs. He was staring at them, both malicious and gentle at the same time.
"No, please, finish what you were going to say," uttered the white half. DM slapped her hand over her mouth. The black half glared at her.
"Yes, please do that, I'm sure it was full of enlightening wisdom."
"Is there any reason you came to my greenhouse? Are you looking for something?"
"It wouldn't happen to be your own foot halfway into the grave?"
"Well, that's just mean."
DM stared at the murmuring entity, thinking furiously of a way to escape without being viciously mauled by this confusing plant guy. Sadly enough, she was too gripped in the throes of panic to think properly. Please don't eat me, please don't eat me, please don't eat me…
Aki was staring dazedly at the wall, have lost interest in the conversation a long time ago.
If I were to set the building on fire…how many of us would actually get out?
DM gulped. "We were just…yeah! We were just teaching your gir—irl…guiah!" She hesitated, not sure what to say next.
"I'm sorry Mr. Zetsu, it's my fault."
All eyes locked onto the form of Emily, who stood up straight and looked at Zetsu dead in the eye.
"You see, Mr. Zetsu, I'm a new recruit, and I've just heard so many things about your lovely greenhouse. My friends here were just showing me around. I'm sorry, we shouldn't have trespassed."
Zetsu continued to consider her neutrally. Aki narrowed her eyes. DM's jaw dropped.
"It's of no concern," the white side said, smiling cheerily. It was even creepier than the black side's hungry stare. "Stay as long as you like, just please respect my plants."
"I thought you said we were going to have lunch!"
"Ah ah ah, Superior said that we mustn't eat the subordinates anymore."
"He also said under no circumstances let any more teenage girls into Itachi's room when he's not there."
"That's different, we charge for that, and Superior gets %25 of all earnings."
"About that, we need to talk about that…"
The two (or one? I should say) continued the heated discussion as they left the room. All at once the three girls released a heavy sigh of relief, dropping the shredded leafs onto the ground.
"So much for that," Aki murmured, wiping her hands on her jeans.
DM shrugged. "Whatever, it was a stupid prank anyway. But now we can move onto the next one!"
2. Steal Hidan's scythe, then massacre Zetsu's greenhouse. Leave the scythe behind as proof you didn't do it. Make sure it's Hidan's weapon, he'll live if Zetsu eats him.
"But he just said to respect his plants!" Emily objected as DM dramatically swept up the Jashinist's scythe from Nowhere-land, her own subspace locker.
"Oh, come on, you know his karma is fouled up anyway! Think of us as doing him a favor, now he won't be reincarnated as a sunflower or something!"
Aki was still staring dazedly at the wall. "I think you need to read up on your Hindu some more, sensei."
"It doesn't matter!" She clenched her fist dramatically, and held out the weapon of death to Emily, who cringed at the sight of it. "Since she managed to skillfully swerve us out of that last mess, Emily should have the honor of performing this one!"
Aki shrugged. "Sounds good to me."
"B—but he'll eat me—!" she protested even when DM placed the scythe in her trembling hands.
"No, he'll eat Hidan-kun! Didn't you read the floaty words in the sky?"
Emily didn't answer that. DM then pushed her encouragingly forward, smiling cheerily. "C'mon, just take your first swing! It'll be fun!" She took a pointed step back, and gestured to the rest of the green house.
Emily gulped, reluctantly walking nearer to the many shelved plants. "I—I guess I never really liked Venus fly traps anyway…" With a sigh, Emily hefted upon the weapon. "Well, at least this way I won't have to turn in that English assignment tomorrow."
And she brought down the scythe with a loud C-C-CRRAAASH!
DM whooped in excitement. "You go, girl!"
Aki nodded distractedly, lost in deep thought.
If I were to start walking right now…how long would it take to get to San Diego?
Unbeknownst to the girls' mortal eyes, a change was happening over dearest Emily. At the sound of breaking pot plants and shattering glass, she could feel the eagerness course through her. "That was actually…a lot of fun, you guys."
"Sure it was," DM cheered. "Violence, destruction…why, it's a teenager's rite of passage! Now c'mon, we have a whole greenhouse to massacre, hop to it, double time!"
"Y—yessir!" Emily said, eyeing the next row of plants like it was a rare steak.
"I get the feeling we're going to regret this," Aki murmured.
3. Tell him that the plant channel has been canceled, then plug you innocent virgin ears as he calls the TV station to protest.
"I wasn't even aware that there was a plant channel," Aki said.
DM was staring passively at the TV guide. "I didn't even know that ninjas had TV, but here we are."
Emily wasn't within speaking capabilities. Ever since the destruction of Zetsu's greenhouse, the high school student had begun acting…strange. DM didn't really notice as of yet, she was too busy contemplating over the disappearance of her highly caffeinated soda pop. Aki didn't really notice either, too concerned with the growing pile of mysterious empty soda pop cans on the foot of her bed.
Oh god, this has disaster written all over it.
"And that's why we do what we do, third person perspective!" DM cried to the ceiling again, tossing the guide away. She turned to Emily, who had now begun to shake and tremble. "Now, this is a mission that depends highly on delivery, so think about what you say and how you'll say it to him. I'll handle this one, because I'm good with words."
The three waited out in the hallway. Aki was finally starting to notice Emily strangeness of attitude, her jitteriness, and was cautiously evaluating her. DM stayed lookout, and squeaked when Zetsu came close.
"Okay everybody! Prepare yourself!"
Emily nodded, her cheeks turning a bright red in exuberance.
Aki shrugged, looking interested in her shoelaces.
Wait a minute; didn't I used to be able to turn into a cat? C…can I still do that?
Zetsu rounded the corner, unaware of the horrors that awaited him. So excited, DM could barely wait, and nearly jumped on top of him when she shouted, "Hey Zetsu, guess what! The plant channel was—
"HEY ZETSU-SAN, DID YOU KNOW THAT SCIENTIST HAVE MADE A NUCLEAR TOXIN TO DESTROY ALL MATTER OF PLANT LIFE?!"
DM was shocked silent. Zetsu was appalled. Aki was licking her own wrist, for whatever reason.
Emily had practically tackled DM to the ground during her furious outburst. Her cheeks were bright red and she was panting, her eyes insanely bright. Then, suddenly she laughed.
"OH, the look on your FACE, Zetsu-san! FREAKING PRICELESS!" she cried, laughing even more. Her laughs echoed off the wall. She began laughing so hard that she grabbed her side and tumbled onto the ground. She stayed there for a good long while, too.
White Zetsu looked like he was about to cry. Black Zetsu…looked like he was crying too, but was much manlier about it. When nothing more was said, he slowly backed away.
"A—Aki…" DM whispered; face pale white as she stared down at her disciple. "What's happening, Aki…?"
Aki, whose attention was recently recalled, looked down at Emily, and merely shrugged.
"Meow."
4. Trick him into thinking that 'Attack of the Zombie Plants' was coming out soon and that you got two tickets. Then lead him to a room full of Zetsu fangirls (Those exist!)
"To be perfectly honest Sensei, your pranks for Zetsu suck."
"Well, it's not like it's easy! Zetsu is the least favorite of the Akatsuki! By anybody!"
Aki and DM were glaring angrily at each other from opposite ends of the room. Emily was pacing back and forth excitedly. Her previous wardrobe, which was fairly neat, was now untucked, wrinkly, and had a tie tied around her forehead. Her sugar rush and adrenaline kick had lasted for a week, and she prodded and poked at the other two, begging to get started. There was only one issue.
They were very, very poor.
"We can't friggin afford two real movies tickets, let alone fake ones, and now you want us to make an actual movie?!" Aki exclaimed.
"You know how weird Zetsu is about these things, if we try to goad him into a fake movie, he'll catch us for sure and the whole operation will be blown!"
"I haven't gotten a paycheck in two weeks, Sensei!"
"We have to think of the mission!"
"Um, guys?"
"WHAT?!"
The two whirled around to the third in the room. Unlike before, she was now standing still…and she didn't look so good. Feeling lightheaded, she sat down onto the ground, cheeks green.
"I don't really feel very good…I think the rush is wearing off…"
Momentarily putting aside their difference of opinion, DM and Aki walked nearer to the latest recruit and knelt down beside her. She eyed them dizzily.
"Well, this is just great!" DM grumbled, head in her hand. "The nearest Japanese candy store is four miles from here, it's where I get all my soda."
Aki nodded soberly, remembering the store fondly. "Akatsuki doesn't believe in coffee either. We're low on caffeine, out of ideas, and poor."
Emily looked sadly down at her hands, having enjoyed her stay with the two insane girls in the enemy ninjas' base. It was fun! "So much for destiny, huh?"
And at this, having looked as gloomy as the rest of them, DM sparked up.
"No!" she snapped, jumping up to her feet. The other two looked up at her. "This is gonna happen, you two, so stop moping around!"
Aki slowly rose to her feet as well and helped up the ever so woozy Emily. "There's still the matter of money, you know."
At this, DM smirked, her eyes burning with passion.
"Screw money, I am an Authoress! If I say it can happen then my word is law! You wanna know why? Because authoress pwns all!"
Emily timidly shook her head, but Aki, dear Aki, could feel a smirk gracing her features. "That still leaves the question of how you intend to pull this off."
She placed a hand on their shoulders.
"Destiny my friends. Destiny."
~*O*~
And she went all out. It took several months in order to set things up, and several months longer still to shoot, edit, make budget cuts, hire Morgan Freeman, the whole shebang. Most of the cast and staff were just shadow clones of the three girls, Aki worked camera, DM was plot, but even a few of the Akatsuki joined in, mostly Deidara and Sasori, but Itachi and Hidan would show up occasionally, something that brightened up the girls' days.
When all was said and done, the movie completed after a very long couple months, the girls felt satisfied and accomplished. The movie wasn't even all bad either. Deidara's acting was stellar, and Sasori had quite a touch in the makeup department.
On opening night, two tickets in one hand, DM handed one to Emily.
"None of this would be possible without you," she said. "So you should have the honor of seeing Zetsu's face when he walks into that theater!"
After having fully replenished her caffeinated soda supply, Emily was bubbly and excited once more. The tie was back too. She took the ticket, thanked them both, and left to go meet up with Zetsu at the movie theater.
"Like a hero," said Aki, grinning. She noticed the puzzled expression of DM's brow, and asked her what was wrong.
"I can't help but feel…that we forgot something." She shrugged, trying to shake off the bad feeling. The both walked back towards DM's quarters.
Realization in
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"OH, DAMMIT, WE FORGOT TO GET THE ZETSU FANGIRLS!"
5. In case of emergency: Run to the desert, he is powerless there!
"Actually…there are s—several species of botanical life…w—within the desert…"
"Just shut up, Aki…"
Why anybody would even think about living within three kilometers of the wretched desert was far beyond DM's comprehension. She had long since forgotten what water tasted like, and indeed forgotten what it felt like to be able to use her legs. Quite of out shape, the three girls had quickly collapsed into the desert sand.
Emily was lying flat on her back. "Two hours and fifty five minutes…alone with him…that awful, awful movie…"
Aki was panting heavily, face planted into a dune. "I thought…cinematography…well done…not so much the script…"
DM glared at them both. "Shove off, nobody's perfect…"
There was when the trio saw a shadow casted down on them. They tiredly looked up to see a calm cannibalistic staring down at them, looking like he was taking a morning stroll through the park.
"Where have you three been? We are all very concerned."
The girls were silent, until Emily swallowed and said quietly, "Aren't you going to eat us?"
"Why would we do that?"
"Why wouldn't we do that?"
"Oh, don't taunt them; can't you see they're tired?"
The girls were silent, waiting for him to resolve his issues. Zetsu continued, "I will admit, I was a tad upset when my bloody green house was completely destroyed."
DM inhaled deeply, her vision blurring. "But…Hidan…culprit."
"Well, that's what I thought, too. But after he tearfully told me he was reading to blind orphans that day, I figured who did what."
All three girls moaned at once.
"I intended to take action, but when I heard that you were making a movie, for me nonetheless, I staved off my growing appetite just so I could see what you were scheming."
At this, the trio was completely silent; they looked to each other, all wary. Then Aki said quietly, "Did you…like the movie?"
"Yes, actually. The cinematography was well done and the dialogue superfluous." DM began to tear up, smiling brightly. "It was better than Plant Apocalypse 3, I'll give you that much. Thank you for that, and I forgive you. Whenever you're ready to return to the base, you are welcome anytime."
And then he sunk into the ground and vanished, leaving the three beaming girls in the desert.
"You know, he's really not all that bad," Aki murmured for her place in the dune. "Kind of rough around the edges, but still pretty sweet."
"Yeah," Emily muttered, staring thoughtfully at a few circling birds in the sky.
Silence surrounded them all, filling up the area with thick tenseness as the three realize they were still very much stuck in the middle of the desert with no chance of finding their way out.
DM lifted her head and smiled weakly. "So, kiddies, what's the lesson here today?"
A beat passed.
Emily sighed. "Destiny is a bitch of a thing."
DM sniffled.
"I miss Neji-kun…
DM: ONE YEAR AND TWENTY FIVE DAYS, IT'S A NEW RECORD, WOHOO! *Dances around on a unicycle and throws confetti about*
Aki: Neptune be damned if any of our original readers are still here after such horrible update times.
DM: It's of no concern! I just got back into the Naruto series, and with Rock Lee and his Ninja Pals airing a new episode every week, there's no way I can lose inspiration this time!
Aki: Talk about shameless advertising.
DM: Speaking of shameless advertising, I've posted up a new multi-chaptered Kingdom Hearts fanfiction. It features your dearest Organization XIII baddies, plus a few more familiar faces. Check it out, leave a review! :D
Aki: Happy school times, everyone! Study hard, do your homework, and have a great year!
DM: OH FRIGG, I HAVE TO READ MY PSYCHOLOGY BOOK!