Peeta and I are ushered quickly to a large studio room with a stage. We're standing by the backstage curtains peering into the large crowd full of cameras and reporters. I am instantly nervous, and feel faint. Peeta's strong hand rests on the small of my back reassuring me.
"Keep breathing, we're doing this together." He says, there is an edge in his voice that suggests he's uncomfortable too.
He doesn't realize just how charming he is, or just how enraptured he made the people of Panem during our first game. His wit and demeanor will help him, whereas I remember I have no more appeal than a dead slug. I'm good at hostility, anger and pleading the people to follow the Mockingjay.
I see Ceasar Flickerman bustle onto stage and get ready. A stage hand tells us that Ceasar will announce us and we will walk in. I grasp Peeta's hand so hard I'm sure it hurts, but being the gentleman he is he would never say anything.
I watch Ceasar smile and greet the cameras, it's show time. He rambles on about the new changes the nation is undergoing. In the wake of Snow and Coin's deaths there has been a major overhaul of the way things are done. There is still starvation in the poor districts but motions are set to change that. The districts will all still have their primary industries but their own mini governments will be established. The Hunger Games have been banned, and a memorial has been erected in remembrance of the tributes who have died. The still standing arenas are being demolished and those still alive who were linked to the horrors of the past are being prosecuted. I am proud of what Paylor is doing even if listening to Caesar repeat her address has caused me distress. I am thinking of Prim, Rue, Mags and so many others I will never get back because of the past. It's not fair of me to think that Paylor's new regime would bring them back, but the pain in my heart makes me desperate for some relief.
"Alright folks! How about we bring you the treat we promised? Please welcome one of our guest stars, half of Panem's favorite couple. Let's bring Peeta Mellark on stage!" Caesar beams and a stage hand motions for Peeta to move.
I haven't loosened my death grip on his hand, "Darling, be brave." He kisses my hand and I let it fall back to my side.
He joins Caesar on stage and smiles warmly as the crowd applauses, "So Peeta, how have you been back in district 13?"
Peeta considers the question first, "It's interesting. I am working with the construction teams to rebuild the district above ground."
"Well, well, a victor of 2 games is helping rebuild a district. That is very admirable. Now tell us what went through your mind when Katniss was tried as a criminal."
Peeta flicks his eyes to me and then to the crowd, "It wasn't a good time. I didn't expect to have to watch her be taken from me. It was even worse when her face showed up on the screen in the criminal games. I didn't want to believe it, if I had known about her sentencing I would have tried to stop it. I would have tried to go in her place. I love her too much to watch her suffer."
Peeta is laying on the charm thick, the crowd is responding with emotion. He is playing right into the heartstrings of the Capitol people. I am swept up in his confession, my heart is hammering rapidly inside my barely breathing chest. I can do nothing but stare longingly at him from the left side of the stage.
Caesar smiles, "There have been some rumors surfacing that the romance that changed the games was faked, what do you have to say about that?"
Peeta looks stunned, I see the moment of uncertainty in his eyes. Caesar notices it and I'm sure everyone watching does.
"How about we get Katniss out here to help answer this one?"
I am ushered to the stage, I remind myself to appear cheery and calm in front of the camera. Both men stand as I walk toward them, Peeta being sweet as he is takes my hand as I step up to the raised section where the couch is. I sit closely to Peeta and twine my hand in his trying to disguise the shaking. We were supposed to talk about Paylor and the great things she was doing, not about us.
"Katniss, you look radiant! Now tell us are these rumors true?" Caesar pries slightly.
I glance at Peeta and he raises an eyebrow at me, "Well, yes and no."
Caesar motions for me to elaborate but Peeta steps in, "I always loved her she was the one who needed a little convincing. At first it was a lie, I thought it would be the one way I could save us both. It worked didn't it?"
"So you are saying the marriage, the baby, it was a lie?" Caesar asks poignantly.
I turn to Caesar, "Yes, but can't you see why we did it? We won the games, we started a rebellion, we've created a new era in Panem. This lie has given us all a new life, I think it was justified."
Caesar nods and I see heads in the crowd doing the same, "We are all thankful for that. I think we can all say the Mockingjay has changed us all. So I must ask now, you two sit before us, holding hands and looking very happy. What is this?"
I smile with Peeta and wrap my hand over our already clasped hands. Peeta's blue eyes sparkle with his feelings for me.
"Like I said it took her a while to warm up to me. We are not living a lie anymore, I love her and she loves me. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me, look at her she is as radiant as the sun."
I want to smile brightly and stare into his eyes, Caesar and the crowd are just eating this up.
"So will we be hearing true wedding bells any time soon?" Caesar is on the edge of his seat.
I don't care anymore, I want to tell the whole world that I am going to be married to Peeta. Sitting here on screen watching Peeta profess his love has made me ashamed of the fact that I ever wanted to keep it a secret. I pull my left hand from his and lean over to Caesar and show him the dazzling ring.
"Oh my, I believe congratulations is in order!" Caesar chimes the crowd claps.
The crowd cheers and hollers in approval. I can't help but smile and oblige them with a soft kiss between Peeta and I. Caesar prods us with more mundane questions about our relationship then later in the interview he brings up our mission here.
"So why are you two here?" He asks promptly.
Peeta nudges me as if to say this is your time to speak Mockingjay. I stare into the crowd and try to voice my best understanding of our purpose.
"We're here to help President Paylor in any way possible. We want to see Panem restored to something beautiful. I know for a fact that President Paylor will lead us into a new era of peace. I think we all owe it to those who've died mercilessly at the hands of our past rulers to make an effort to become a new nation. I owe it to the people who saved my life during the games and those who died because of the rebellion."
It's suddenly too much, the faces of Rue, Cinna, Prim, my father, Mags, and the others who've forever changed my life swim before my eyes. I think Caesar and Peeta heard the inflection of my voice rise to a choked squeak. Caesar get the point and sums up the show with a positive, hopeful line and bids farewell to his audience.
The lights go off and the crowd files out, as the stage curtain shuts on us. I'm barely keeping myself composed, barely staving off the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I want to be here to help Paylor but it's too soon. Prim's murder is too real. As are the deaths of Rue and Cinna.
Caesar moves over toward me as Peeta pulls me to my feet, "You two were wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better show. I'm sure I will be seeing you two some more. Congratulations again, I'm even more delighted about your wedding the second time around!"
Peeta maneuvers me off the stage as the warm tears spill down my flushed cheeks. I hate what this place is doing to my emotions. Peeta guides me down a quiet hallway out of the way of busy workers. I lean into his chest and try to make the pain go away. My hands are balled into fists against my sides, letting the anger get the best of me. Snow and Coins deaths weren't enough for what they did to Prim and everyone else I loved. Peeta grabs my hands and pries them open before my nails draw blood.
"Katniss, what's wrong?" He asks sweetly.
"Prim." That is all I can manage to say, before my eyes flood again.
Peeta fishes out a small cloth and gently wipes tears off my face, "She would be proud of you, Darling. She wouldn't want you to be upset like this. Don't let her death be in vain, channel this anger and frustration into rebuilding this nation. You were a showstopper out there, you've got to keep it up."
He is right, tears and anger won't bring Prim back. Nothing will, only time will make it hurt less. I feel Peeta shaking a little bit, I've been so needy I've forgotten about his needs.
"This place makes me remember everything…" I say in a saddened voice.
"It's like a nightmare." Peeta whispers and hugs me tightly.
He is right, every minute we spend here it brings back bad memories of our reaping, the quell, and the bad parts of the rebellion. I can't get my mind off the deaths, I know Peeta is thinking of his hijacking. I'm worried now that he may relapse, and try to hurt me. My mind tells me to talk to Haymitch about this concern. Peeta would be hurt if he found out I was slightly afraid now. I can vividly remember him strangling me with the same hands that have given me support.
We find out way back to the waiting car and step into the early evening. Flashing screens and boards blur by the car as we head back to Paylor's mansion. Instead of going inside we wander around a very well landscaped garden. I am drawn toward a giant weeping willow tree in the center of the fenced in backyard. With my shoes in one hand and Peeta's hand in the other I drag him off to the mystery behind the dangling branches. Inside the veil of leaves we are cut off from everything, only bits and pieces of light break through the leaves causing a dazzling shimmering effect.
Peeta sits against the trunk with me sitting in front of him between his legs. I'm leaning against his chest enjoying his strong arms around me.
"Can we just stay here forever?" He asks.
"What?" I query and turn to look at him.
"Inside this tree sitting with you, I feel like I'm somewhere safe. I like it right here."
I smile and kiss him after I fully turn around. He happily pulls me closer to him, and then after some arranging I straddle his lap.
"I love you." He says with a surge of passion in his eyes.
I respond with a whisper, "You are my everything and I love you."
He pulls my face toward him then our foreheads touch then our lips. His hands are wound tightly into the fabric of my dress. We stay under the tree kissing for a long time until the temperature gets colder as the sun drops from the sky.
On our way back to the front of the mansion we run into Effie and Haymitch. They both look relieved to see us.
"We thought something happened to you two!" Effie gasped.
"You have to be careful where you two run off too, not everyone loves you. We need to keep you safe." Haymitch reminds.
"Sorry… we just needed a moment, the interview was harder than either of us thought." Peeta admits.
Haymitch nods and looks at me, "You were brilliant, especially at the end." He reassures me.
Effie beckons for me to follow her, "Come one we have something to do!"
I follow her into the mansion and into the room Peeta and I have. I see a garment bag on the bed and I hear Blossom bustling around in the bathroom.
"What's going on?" I ask.
"Paylor is having a banquet for all of the newly elected district governments tonight. You need to be dressed and at the banquet hall within the hour." Effie spoke as she pushed me toward the bathroom.
I am stripped down to nothing but the embarrassing skimpy underwear, and no bra. Blossom tugs the silky dress over my head, she has asked me not to look at it yet. While my eyes are closed she tells me the story behind the dress.
"My dad made this dress a few days before he died. I remember watching him pour over the design, and crumpling up the failed drawings. He kept saying this dress would be your favorite, because it would make you feel something you've never felt about yourself." She flutters around me adjusting parts of the dress.
The cool satin is cold against my skin, and it feels weightless. For a second I felt naked, until I brushed my elbow against the smooth bodice. Blossom helps me into a pair of high heels, and then whispers for me to open my eyes. I open my eyes and stare into the full length mirror ahead of me. I don't recognize the girl in it, she is not me. She is something I've never called myself. She is sexy, and alluring. I can't take my eyes off her. The silk dress has no back, I realize as I turn in the mirror. The cut out back comes to a point right at the small of my back. It is very exposed, it feels thrilling. The black dress is stunning in the front as well. It fits so tightly to my body and then gently flares out around my knees. I look amazing, and like a woman. My small body look figured and no longer girlish. Blossom places an onyx necklace around my neck and the image is complete after a few adjustments to my make-up.
With no hesitation I am following Effie to the car. I wonder why Peeta is not with me, I desperately want to be close to him. It isn't long before we are stopped in front of a building and effie turns to give me directions.
"I am not going in, you have to keep up the same mentality from the interview. Don't hold back, you and Peeta are going to be in the spotlight now." She pats my hand and motions for me to get out of the car.
I follow an escort into the building and through a few winding hallways until I begin to hear the commotion of a large group of people. Just beside the door I spot Peeta looking absolutely dashing in a crisp black tuxedo. His eyes light up as he watches me walk toward him.
He wraps his arms around me and whispers in my ear, "Darling, you look so beautiful."
He twirls me around to get the full effect. His hands run down the exposed skin of my back making me shiver at the light touch.
"You clean up nicely." I smile and touch the soft fabric of the tuxedo jacket and lean up to kiss him.
We enter the room and stick relatively close to Paylor, as she asked us too. She introduces us to person after person who release question upon question. We are handed flutes of a sparkling, bubbly liquid. It has fresh raspberries floating in it. I've had two glasses and my head has started to feel fuzzy. It's a light airy feeling that makes me giggly, and at ease. Dinner comes around and it brings more of the sparkling drink and my favorite lamb stew. Paylor makes a few speeches and talks about her plans to bring in a new era for Panem. Peeta and I smile and nod in agreement with her proclamations. By the end of the night I'm lightheaded and drowsy, clinging to Peeta's hand.
By the time we get back to the mansion I am almost dead on my feet, Peeta has to carry me to the room. I don't mind at all, being wrapped tightly in his arms is exactly where I want to be. Inside the dark confines of the room Peeta sets me down.
"Peeta." I whisper as I kiss his cheek and then his lips.
I don't have to persuade him to respond, his hands wrap around me and pull me close. I wiggle in delight when his warms hands tickle my exposed back. He picks me up and sets me on the bed, pulling off my shoes and discarding them with his jacket. I lay back onto the bed, fighting my dizzy head. Peeta kicks off his shoes and crawls toward me. I throw my arms around his strong neck and pull him on top of me. It isn't long before we've picked up where we left off the night Peeta asked me to marry him. He kisses a trail down my neck as my numb fingers release the last button on his shirt. I smile as I slide it off his body and press my hands against his warm chest. I try to hook my leg around his but I'm restricted by the tight dress. I push Peeta onto his back and softly tell him to be patient. I quickly unzip my dress and let it slide off my body. I remember a comment Peeta made the other night about his clothes on me. I grab his dress shirt and button two of the buttons. I crawl back toward him and curl up against his body, and sigh as his warm hands trails up my exposed leg.
"Did I tell you how much I like it when you wear my clothes." He whispers and rolls toward me again.
I know the words I want to say, I am still sober enough o be embarrassed by the thought of them, "Why don't you show me how much you like it?"
A spark ignites in his eyes as he kisses me with a whole new fervor. His hands run courses all over my body, making me squirm in delight. I lean over him, unzip his pants and throw them to the floor. I straddle his lap and seek out his lips, while my fingers wind themselves through his hair. His lips work a path down my neck and across my exposed shoulder, softly biting when I least expect it.
His hands slip up my legs and under the tails of the shirt I'm wearing. In one strong movement he rolls us over and nestles me back into the pillows. I curl my legs around his and kiss him harder than I ever have before. His free hand pulls open the last button on my shirt and pulls my body into his. I trail my hands down his broad shoulders and around to his muscled abdomen. My sure hands grasp the edge of his underwear and fnally with courage I hook my finers under the band.
Peeta's lips break from mine, "Katniss…" he speaks.
I don't understand what he is getting at so I lean up and kiss him again. He obliges but pulls away from me.
"Darling… I can't" he whispers still leaning over me.
One of his hands is clenched tightly on the headboard, his face is pained. I feel upset and embarrassed now. I let the reality of exactly what he "can't" do with me, and I am hurt. I'm sure the emotion registers on my face, as I see his own expression fall to sadness.
"I can't let this moment happen here. I can't… you have to understand me." He breathes with a noticeable sigh.
"I get it." I say, I suppose that came out a lot more angst filled than I meant but I truly an upset with him.
"No you don't… if you did you wouldn't be angry with me." He sits up, and I wrap the shirt around me.
I don't know what to say, I just pull my knees to my chest and bury my head in my knees to hide the fact that I will probably cry shortly.
"I want this, Katniss. Believe me I do. I can't let something as special as our first time happen here in a place that reminds us of so much horror." He admits, and thus begins the traitorous tears.
I gather my what's left of my pride and as the question I don't want to ask, "So you won't touch me as long as we are here? Do you want to sleep elsewhere?"
"Why are you taking it like this?" He groans, "I can't do it Katniss, I'm sorry!"
Its silent until he speaks again, "Katniss…"
I choke back a sob but it's too late he knows I'm crying now. I feel him get off the bed and rustle about with clothes. He is reaching for the door knob when I find my voice again.
"Peeta… don't go… please stay here!" I plead through the tears.
He leaves the room without a word and I am left to come to terms with the nightmares that will come tonight. Body shaking sobs hit me light a freight train as I bury my head into the pillow. All of the sudden the beautiful wedding ring feels too heavy on my finger, and the question in my head surfaces. Why am I doing this?