Chapter 2: Known for years

Dean's POV

Dean watched as Castiel excused himself to go upstairs. The angel looked distressed and Dean couldn't care less. They had been at Bobby's place doing the same song and dance for weeks now and Dean was sick and tired of it. Yeah, yeah, it was a big decision, whether to be an angel or a human, but Cas' indecision was driving him crazy. Also, Dean had hinted and suggested and implied that he would like it if Cas chose to become human. More than like, really.

'Sam, I need to ask you something,' he said. It was more of a confidential whisper and Bobby understood immediately. Their friend groaned as he got up from his chair.

'You don't want me in the room for this conversation, right? Yeah, I didn't think so. Continue,' Bobby offered graciously and he strolled out of the kitchen into the living room. Banished from his own kitchen; Dean felt bad about that. Once Castiel had his shit figured out, the three of them would have to find their own place to live. Or the two of them, but Dean didn't want to think about that possibility.

If I could be anything... Castiel was treating this like it was fun. This wasn't a game. It wasn't wish or make-believe or gosh, if I could be anything I'd like to be a millionaire. A lot was riding on this choice that Cas had to make and sometimes Dean just wanted to shake the angel and yell at him. Stay here. Stay with me.

'I need you to ask Cas to stay,' Dean said softly. Sam looked at him like he was insane. Like certifiably insane. In the other room the television came on and Bobby turned up the sound. Somehow Dean thought the sound was still a tad too quiet. Unless, of course, Bobby wanted to overhear their conversation.

'I don't think it will do much good if I ask him,' Sam stated and there was a knowing smirk on his face. It was just like Sam to enjoy this whole discussion. Sam and, surprisingly, Bobby had been encouraging Cas to think long and hard before he made a decision. So, they had gone over and over and over it. Like schoolgirls with a crush they had made pro and con lists. Dean had been thrilled that he was listed as a pro on the 'become human' list, but less thrilled that he was put together with Sam and Bobby. Ridiculously, Dean felt that he at least deserved to be a separate pro.

'What do you mean?'

'Let me ask you something. Was I there when you asked him what he could be if he could be anything?' Sam asked. Fuck, his brother was going to draw this out, wasn't he? Not that this surprised Dean in the slightest. It wasn't as if there was something at stake for Sam if Cas decided to remain an angel. He might even visit and they could all pall around and talk about the good old days.

'Yes.'

'And he said something that I didn't get, but you did and you explained it to me?' Sam added. That was exactly how it had been. That night had been seared into Dean's mind, because of Atropos. It wasn't everyday that you got threatened by a hot chick. He felt a pang as he thought of the worst threat he had ever received. At least Castiel had had the good grace to look embarrassed about it. He should be fucking embarrassed. It's not as if they hadn't been threatened before by everyone and their mother, but this had been Cas. Cas was supposed to... Dean didn't know what, but he certainly wasn't supposed to threaten him.

'Yes.'

'And you often talk to each other like there's no one else in the room, like you're performing a duet,' Sam continued. So? Dean wanted to say. So, sometimes Cas acted as if Dean was the only person in the room, that was true, but Dean secretly rather liked that. Sam was simply jealous. Dean thought it was very nice of himself that he didn't add that it had been the best time of his life when Cas and him had really been alone, going after Raphael. See, he could be nice if he wanted to.

'Yes.'

'And you two understand each other and you've got a profound bond and everything,' Sam summed up and Dean hoped he was getting to the end of whatever it was he was trying to say. What was Sam driving at? Dean thought of when he had suggested that Cas become his FBI partner. What was that again about not playing make-believe? Yeah, that was never going to happen. What a truly pathetic attempt. Dean was pretty desperate, not knowing what to say to make Castiel stay. Yet, Bobby and Sam had giggled as if they had known something that Dean didn't know.

'Yes.'

'Well...' Sam stopped and looked at Dean as if he should be able to fill in the blanks. Not that he had said anything useful or anything Dean didn't already know. And there was clearly something that Sam knew, but that for some reason he was not telling.

'Well, what?' Dean asked. Please pitch in, he thought, because he had absolutely no idea. His brother scraped his chair across the floor and straightened himself. The freakishly large shadow loomed over Dean. Neither of them breathed, Dean could imagine even Bobby holding his breath, until Sam cleared his throat.

'I can't believe I'm going to have to tell you. No, you know what? If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm not going to tell you,' he finally said, defiantly. Dean didn't think he could take a lot more of his brother's cryptic comments.

'Tell me what?' he snapped. Sam heaved an overly dramatic sigh of deep frustration. Yeah, I get it, Dean wanted to say, but the point was that he didn't get it.

'Ok. There's this poem called Not Waving but Drowning, do you know it?' Sam said. Upstairs Dean could hear Cas pacing. Quickly losing his patience, he rolled his eyes at Sam. Dean, the poetry buff: who did Sam think he was speaking to?

'It's about a guy who's...'

'...not waving, but drowning? Yeah, the title pretty much spoils the plot,' Dean interrupted him. The interruption appeared to annoy Sam, which was exactly what Dean had sought to accomplish. An angry Sam got to the point much faster than a calm Sam.

'Castiel may seem indecisive, but he's not,' Sam said.

'Could have fooled me,' Dean replied drily. Another pang shot through him unexpectedly. If Castiel had already made his choice and Sam didn't think asking him to stay would do any good, then it was pretty obvious what Cas had chosen.

'He's waiting for a cue,' Sam added and he was acting as if everything was crystal clear now. This made no sense. If Cas had decided, why would he be waiting for a cue?

'What sort of cue?'

'A cue from you.'

'Really, I thought it might be a clue from Blue. Just freaking tell me, Sam,' Dean urged. Between Cas and Sam it was a wonder he hadn't been committed to an insane asylum years before. Neither could ever say what the hell it was they meant. Suddenly Bobby's voice cut through from the living room. Its thundering boom drowned out the television and startled the two brothers.

'Dean, you idiot! He is waiting for you to ask him to stay.'

Over the years there had been moments. Moments when something seemed to be happening between Castiel and him, but Cas always warded them off. Now Dean wondered what would have happened if he hadn't. It was true that Dean had hoped they had a story, maybe even a fairy tale. Not wish, not make-believe, but an actual fairy tale. And damn it, the story wasn't finished. It didn't end with Cas going back up to heaven. At the end of this fairy tale came a happy ending. Sure, along the way gruesome and bloody things had happened, like in real fairy tales, but in the end the two lovers got to be together.

That word: lovers. Nothing inappropriate had ever happened between them, not a secret kiss, not a touch that was a little more than friendly. Still, there had been subtext. A whole lot of subtext. Dean had picked up on it and he had had fun with it, but had Cas known? That time when Dean had said he needed something and Cas had answered that he would give him anything he wished, was that Cas playing with the subtext or was it Cas being entirely truthful? And did it matter?

Cas had done and said things which were unmistakable, now Dean came to think of it. Whether it was sexual or not, and Dean highly doubted Cas knew anything about that, Cas' actions were mostly acts of love. So, Dean would ask him and know. Because Dean loved Cas and he sure as hell wasn't going to lose him because he was too afraid to say anything. Though he couldn't help but think of the only other time he had told Castiel what he felt. Please, don't make me lose you too. If that wasn't a fucking declaration of love than what was? Unfortunately, Cas had been a little busy declaring himself God and it hadn't gone over too well.

Clearly, Bobby and Sam knew, so without further ado Dean ran up the stairs. Do not ask him whether he is decent. Do not ask him whether he is decent. Cas is not coming out of the shower. He is not masturbating to the thought of you. He is not dirty. So, there is really no reason to ask whether he's decent. Do not, under any circumstances, ask him whether he is decent.

'Are you decent?' Damn. In a puzzled voice Cas called out that he thought he was. Dean opened the door and closed it behind him. Castiel was sitting on the bed, an expectant expression on his face. Perhaps happiness was just a word away. Stay.

(***)

Not Waving but Drowning is a poem by Stevie Smith.

And Dean is referring to a kid television show called Blue's Clues.