Chapter 4: Reason why

Dean's POV

So, yes, they needed to get out of this room, because Cas was looking all kinds of hot and there was a bed in here. The angel had responded to his kiss, but still, for all Dean knew Cas would be happy living like monks with him. Sex and love weren't necessarily connected in his inexperienced mind. Cas' love was obviously very pure and chaste, so Dean would have to be careful. Not that Dean was going to take a vow of celibacy anytime soon, but perhaps a vow not to ruin Cas' innocence was in order. Not all at once, anyway. He was going to have to be patient. Stripping away that innocence layer by layer. Bad choice of words that; stripping.

'Proceed with caution' was practically stamped across the angel's forehead. Also, Dean might feel a little bit more comfortable if Cas wasn't an angel anymore. If he was just a human – well, not just, because Cas could hardly ever be just anything – then it wouldn't be so... so tainting and corrupting and debasing and defiling and tarnishing. Those were some really fancy words for what would essentially amount to having sex with Cas. Having sex with an angel; Dean had done that before, even though Anna was technically an ex-angel at the time, which Cas would hopefully also soon be.

Those words were all very wrong, yet they sounded so right. The truth was that Dean wasn't uncomfortable about the notion of making love to Castiel at all. The angel thing was not what was holding him back. There had been guys before, so that was not an issue. The virtue wasn't the problem either, if he had to be honest. It was Cas; that was the problem. The whole thing would mean something. And if Dean said that he loved him then that would mean something too.

Terrifying prospect.

'Dean, was I an epic waffler? Like Hamlet?' Cas asked and Dean snapped back to attention.

'Hamlet? No, you were just waiting. I was being an idiot,' Dean answered. Hamlet? He was going to have to actually read plays – not even books, but plays of all things – in order to understand the random references Cas came up with. Something that, strangely, he was not dreading. Anything for Cas. However, first things first: out of this tempting room, right now, Dean thought.

Cas followed him down the stairs and in the kitchen Dean saw Sam and Bobby sitting at different sides of the kitchen table, whispering. They looked guilty, as if Dean had caught them with their pants down. More likely, they had been talking about Cas and him with their pants down. Couple of sad sacks, getting no action, living vicariously through him.

'So, you two knew? Seriously, how about telling me next time?' Dean demanded and they practically stumbled over each other explaining. Dean wouldn't have understood. He needed to find out for himself. It had been so obvious that they were convinced that he did know, because even Dean couldn't be that stupid.

Dean ignored the insult and eased himself into a kitchen chair. Not that those were comfortable. Bobby desperately needed to buy some new furniture, because every time Dean sat down or leaned against something in this house, he was afraid that it would collapse or crumble under his touch. Cautiously, Cas sat down opposite from Dean. The soon-to-be former angel was acting demure and meek. Maybe he does think about the sexual act and the thought frightens him, Dean thought.

'So, how does this work? You can just ungrace yourself or something? Like Anna,' Dean asked. Sam rolled his eyes.

'No, not like Anna, Dean. Because everybody thought she was crazy and she ended up in an asylum, because she could hear angels talking and they wanted to kill her and demons wanted to torture her for information and eventually she tried to kill us, or like you would say, make us unborn. Sounds like a great life.'

'You might want to dial the sarcasm down a notch, Sammy. Just saying,' Dean replied. Of course, he hadn't meant exactly like Anna. Obviously, the situation was different. Anna didn't have permission, Cas did. Dean was just curious how it would go and what it precisely meant.

'No, not like Anna. She disobeyed and rebelled. She fell,' Cas explained. There were disturbing parallels though. Cas had disobeyed and rebelled too. For Dean and later for his own selfish motives. What if the angel brigade was screwing him over one last time?

'So, your choice is a reward, because you've been a good soldier, aside from the whole God thing?' Dean asked. Maybe it was a little too good to be true. No more apocalypses, no more vessel nonsense and on top of that getting to be with a fully human Cas; those were a lot of good things to happen at once. And Christmas was a long way off.

'More like a severance package, right? I think they kind of want to get rid of him, so the option to become human is less of a reward and more of an incentive to leave. No offense, Cas,' Sam theorised and apologised.

'None taken. Sam is right. I am tired, I no longer believe with the conviction that is needed and I have done questionable things. They will remove my grace. I don't know how exactly; it is very complicated and might take some time. Paperwork...' Cas mumbled, but Dean interrupted him. Sometimes this supernatural shit was just as ridiculous as regular life.

'Paperwork? Bureaucratic bastards,' Dean objected and then something occurred to him, 'Fuck, you're not going to turn into a baby or anything?' Anna had. As much as Dean was worried about gently guiding Cas towards the physical act of love; he was also looking forward to it. Cas as a baby put a stop to that. Cas as a baby was not how he had pictured their new life at all.

'No.'

'Good.'

'I could keep this vessel if you liked,' Cas offered and Dean nodded gratefully.

'That would be nice. I mean, not that I care what you look like, but it would be weird if you suddenly looked different. We've all gotten used to you and I, I kind of like the way you look,' Dean stuttered and ignored the amused looks of Bobby and Sam. The truth was that he more than liked the way Cas looked. Those eyes, the bed hair, even his stupid trench coat. They were nice and familiar and linked to everything that Cas had said and done and Dean would be a bit upset if he lost them. On the other hand, it was Cas he wanted and not Jimmy Novak's body, but somehow the two had gotten inextricably linked in his mind.

'You do? I like your vessel too,' Cas said and the angel sounded pleasantly surprised that Dean looked at him in that way. Well, come on, Dean thought, Cas was handsome at the very least and sexy as hell to Dean.

'Body, Cas. Down here we call 'em bodies,' Dean dryly corrected him.

'I like your body,' Cas whispered and the angel blushed. It was adorable and hilarious if you went by the reaction of the other two hunters, who were, once again, snickering. Suddenly, Dean felt something in that place. It felt a lot like... toes. Cas stared at him, with one of those intense and sexually charged looks. He had been throwing those Dean's way for ages, but Dean had never fully understood their meaning. Until now.

The angel had no idea what he was putting Dean through, as he wiggled his toes and Dean could feel himself beginning to get hard. Quickly, he pushed back his chair and stood up. Sam and Bobby backed away, as if Dean was going to kick their asses for all their stupid comments, but Dean was only hoping that his arousal didn't show. From where he was standing, he could see Castiel putting his foot back into his shoe under the table. This was going to be a long wait for Cas to become human.

(***)

A week later.

'So you haven't sealed the deal with Cas yet?' Sam asked Dean, as the older Winchester came down for breakfast. Bobby was probably somewhere outside, which was good, because Dean didn't want him to overhear this. Cas and he had been sharing a bed for a week now, but it hadn't happened. Dean had put it on hold, until Cas was human. Also, truth be told, no matter how much he wanted to make Castiel his own, Dean was having a lot of fun merely kissing and touching Cas.

'Have I ever given you the impression that we have that kind of a relationship?' Dean snapped. Sleeping with Cas took getting used to. The angel tossed and turned and made these delicious moaning sounds in his sleep. It wound Dean up, so he had to go to the bathroom and take care of himself. Most of the time, Cas only wore boxers, while Dean was rigidly sticking to actual pyjama pants and shirts. It was proving to be difficult to stick to that resolution, because it was early April and already too warm for that. In short: Dean didn't get a lot of sleep and the morning was not a good time to mess with him.

'Ehm, yes. We all know you're hot for Cas,' Sam said and he looked a bit confused. With open mouth he stared at Dean, slowly chewing his cereal, which disgusted Dean. Upon seeing Dean's expression, Sam quickly closed his mouth.

'Not Cas and me; you and me. We don't talk about this sort of thing,' Dean explained and he turned on the kitchen stove. Then he opened the fridge to take out eggs and bacon. Sam could stick to his healthy breakfast; Dean liked his morning meals greasy and artery clogging. He dumped everything into a frying pan with a clump of butter, put it on the stove and turned around again.

'Yeah, we do. You're constantly regaling me with the grossest stories of your sex life,' Sam protested and that was true. Guilty as charged. But how did Sam even know they hadn't had sex yet? Yes, Sam slept in the next room, but there was no lack of suggestible sounds. If Cas' dream moans weren't heated enough then the several dozen kissing sessions they had engaged in had produced a multitude of excited noises that could easily have been mistaken for 'sealing the deal.'

'How do you even know we haven't yet?'

'Cas told me,' Sam admitted and Dean thought, well, of course, 'So why haven't you? You usually don't wait this long.'

With his back to Sam and turning over the eggs and strips of bacon, Dean considered the question. He still had the same answers at the ready. Angel, virgin; both lies, but he threw them out, nonetheless. Sprinkling the contents of the pan with a generous amount of salt, Dean answered.

'He's all holy and shit. Not to mention, a virgin.'

To avoid having to look at Sam, he took a plate and knife and fork and waited by the stove. Drop the subject, Dean pleaded, just drop it. Naturally, Sam didn't obey. It hardly mattered that Dean hadn't said it out loud; Sam never listened to him anyway.

'But that's not why, right?' Sam needled, in that sympathetic, reasonable voice of his. Dean hated that voice. It was the same one that always told him to calm down. When did that ever help? People who were angry or whatever didn't just calm the fuck down simply because someone told them to. Suppressing a groan, he faced Sam.

'Don't psychoanalyse me, Sam,' he warned and thankfully Bobby chose that moment to enter the kitchen. Their friend washed his hands at the sink, scrubbing hard to get the motor grease off and dried his hands on his jeans before sitting down. Dean put the plate and the cutlery in front of him and slid the eggs and bacon onto it. Surprised, Bobby looked up and thanked him before tucking in. Sam silently chewed his cereal, while Dean plonked more heart attack inducing food into the pan.

Cas came down and wished them all a good morning. They all answered half-heartedly. It had been too long; they were getting on each other's nerves. Bobby didn't say anything, but Dean knew he wanted them out of his house. He wanted peace and quiet and being able to shower with hot water in the morning. That was not Dean's fault, by the way; Sam was the girl who always took hours showering. There was only one thing Bobby enjoyed and that was the TV they had bought him. Dean figured Bobby must be pretty tired of coming into the living room to watch TV, only to find Cas and him making out on the sofa.

They had resolved to leave for their own place once Cas had become human. Since none of them knew what would happen, it was thought to be safer to have the transformation take place away from civilization. No need to startle the good people of South Dakota with an angel turning into a human spectacle. That had been a week ago and nothing had happened. Dean had thought that paperwork-comment of Cas had been a joke, but apparently it hadn't, because otherwise he just didn't understand the holdup.

The angel's hair was wet. For the life of him, Dean could not teach him to towel dry it and he thought Castiel refused to learn it on purpose. Out of his trench coat, in one of Dean's sweaters and dark jeans and with his damn wet hair, Cas' appearance made Dean swallow hard. Or rather, Dean's throat was dry and something else was hard. So, now he had to eat standing at the counter and Sam already thought he was a huge pig. Cas brushed past him. That was definitely on purpose and Dean almost choked on his bacon.

The coughing got so bad that Sam got up and slapped Dean's back, even though Dean signalled that it wasn't necessary. Cas just calmly poured some milk over his coco puffs and didn't take his eyes off of Dean. The bastard is enjoying this, Dean thought. Without breaking eye contact, Cas sat down and started to eat. All of a sudden, Cas paused with his spoon in mid-air and he looked different. Sam and Bobby didn't seem to feel anything, but Dean felt that something had changed.

'I'm human,' Cas announced and the three hunters stared at him. Dean had to admit that he was caught off guard. Sam and Bobby seemed mightily surprised too. Perhaps they had all been expecting something more noteworthy, something that they at least would have noticed.

'That was anti-climatic,' Sam said and Dean thought that this perfectly voiced all of their opinions. It was a bit of a letdown. Cas shrugged.

'Instead of my grace being ripped from me; it slowly seeped away. I've felt it leaving the past week and now it's completely gone,' he said and continued eating. Dean was disappointed that Cas hadn't told him. There was something about Cas' casual reaction that made him think that Cas cared more than he was letting on. After all, even when he had been almost human before, he had retained his grace. It had been with him forever and now he had lost it. It wouldn't be strange if he missed it a little bit.

'Like radiation,' Sam remarked and Dean wished he hadn't said that. Now he worried about that and Bobby saw his concerned look.

'Don't worry, Dean. I don't think you two are going to be starting a family any time soon,' Bobby deadpanned. Cas kept eating, the conversation passing him by, while Sam chuckled and Dean glared at Bobby. The angel, no, he had to stop referring to him like that, Cas was miles away it seemed. Trying to draw him back to the here and now, Dean tapped his shoulder.

'Do you feel different without it?' he asked and Cas looked up. He dropped his spoon into the bowl. There was a wonder in his eyes that Dean had seen million of times before, yet, it had altered. His eyes seemed a little bit bluer and his face looked a little more... tangible. Cas took some time trying to articulate an answer.

'I no longer feel I am only in this body temporarily; I am this body,' he finally said. This is my cue, Dean thought. Except he hadn't been waiting for it. He loved Cas, but he couldn't make love to him or tell him he loved him. All he could do was show it in other ways and maybe that was better? It wasn't, it was bullshit, and Dean knew it, but until he was ready that was all that Castiel was getting.

Castiel had become human. For him. And he still couldn't do it. Because he was still afraid. Still a fucking pansy. Not even the right kind. He was a coward. As Cas tried to look into his eyes, Dean averted his gaze, ashamed.