Chapter 8: I want you (part 2)

Castiel's POV

Three weeks later. Halfway August.

'You're watching Cocktail again?' Dean asked as he came into the living room, carrying a bowl of coco puffs, a carton of milk and a spoon. Castiel shook his head.

'Serendipity,' he answered, but then he saw the spoon that Dean had selected, 'I like the long one.'

'That's an ice cream spoon,' Dean objected, but Castiel pouted at him. Sighing, Dean took the offending spoon and traded it for an ice cream spoon in the kitchen. The former angel had already poured the milk over his coco puffs and was gesturing for Dean to hurry up, before they became soggy. Dean handed him the spoon and Castiel saw a miffed look appear on his face when he didn't thank him. Should have brought me the right spoon the first time, Castiel thought, as he tucked in. Dean went back to the kitchen side of the room, where Sam was sitting and reading the paper.

'He's driving me insane with his demands,' Dean whispered and when Sam chuckled, 'What's so funny?'

'That's how you know he's better; when he starts to abuse your help,' Sam said.

'I can hear you,' Castiel called out, with his mouth full of mush. After breakfast, it would be time for his last check up. At the hospital they would make a final X-ray and if everything was fine the cast was coming off. It was becoming very itchy, so this moment couldn't come soon enough for Castiel.

'She is stupid,' Castiel mumbled as he watched the screen. Dean approached him from behind and Castiel tried to avoid it, but his shoulders ducked instinctively. Throwing up his hands, indicating he intended no harm, Dean backed away. As if I don't know you wouldn't hurt me, Castiel thought, and he silently cursed his body.

'Who?' Dean asked. Castiel pointed with his special spoon at the character portrayed by Kate Beckinsale and Dean acquiesced, 'Oh yeah. 'If we're meant to be, fate will bring us together again.' Moron. Not even the Piven can save that film and he's awesome.'

Castiel had no idea who the Piven was, but he nodded. The younger Winchester started to fold the paper and when he got up Dean unceremoniously dragged him into the bedroom. Quickly, Castiel turned down the volume. This was what he did nowadays: watch TV, read and listen to other people's whispered conversations about him.

'You have to teach him,' someone whispered and Castiel identified the voice as Dean's.

'Why can't you?'

'Because.'

'Good one.'

'Just...because I can't. Please, Sam. I'll take the garbage out for a month.'

'That's four times, you know that, right? You offered to take out the garbage four times.'

'Sam.'

'Ok, ok. For the record: you're being an idiot.'

'Duly noted. Can you take him to the hospital today too? Don't pretend you mind. I know you want to see the hot doctor.'

'Ok.'

When the conversation seemed to have ended, Castiel immediately turned up the sound and pretended to be riveted by what was happening on screen. The Winchesters came back into the living room and also pretended that nothing had been discussed. Castiel thoughtfully finished his breakfast and feigned surprise when Dean said he couldn't come with them to the hospital. Everything was fine with his ankle; the bone had healed nicely and a friendly nurse sawed off the cast, while Sam flirted with doctor Teller. Teach him what?

That question was answered when they got home again. The living room had been transformed. The couch was pushed against the wall, the TV set was on the kitchen table and the coffee table had been pushed into Sam's bedroom. The only living room chair was standing forlornly in the kitchen area and instead of the tattered carpet a thin, large mat covered the floor planks.

'How was your...?' Dean began, but he glanced down and saw that the cast had been removed. He pulled Castiel into a spontaneous hug, but let go swiftly, as if he had done something wrong. Sam rolled his eyes and Castiel wanted to do the same, but he managed to curb the desire.

'Sam and I thought it would be a good idea if you got some training,' Dean announced.

'Training?' he asked, suddenly suspicious.

'Look; you're fit. You're in excellent physical shape and can outrun me any day of the week, but you don't know how to defend yourself. That's not...' Dean began cheerily, but he faltered and looked at Sam. Help me, those eyes seemed to say.

'What Dean is saying is that none of what happened was your fault, but we noticed that you had no bloody knuckles; only defensive wounds. You didn't fight back,' Sam said and strangely, coming from Sam, it didn't sound like an accusation. This was wonderful, because Castiel had doled out his fair share of incriminations and blame already. Why had he not fought back? That was not to say he couldn't fight, however.

'I know how to fight,' he answered, defiantly. Dean stood there, frozen, while Sam was the one left to explain things to him.

'You've fought as an angel against demons, but you don't know how to fight like a man against other men. It's often not about who's stronger but about who's smarter. For example, you can use the other person's strength or weight against them. It's about balance and the distance between you and hitting them where it hurts the most. As well as being a mind game it's very physical.'

'It's like when Angel became human,' Dean offered and Castiel and Sam stared at him. Dean lowered his eyes to the floor and his cheeks flushed slightly as he brushed a piece of imaginary lint of his shirt.

'From TV? Angel? No?' Dean muttered and he was clearly embarrassed. It was cute, Castiel thought. Judging by Sam's face, it was also very amusing.

'Oh Dean,' Sam sighed, as if there was no hope left for Dean. Suddenly, Dean's head snapped up obstinately.

'Really? I watched Oprah and Dr. Sexy, M.D., but you're going to judge me for watching Angel? Dude fought demons. It was practically educational,' he said and it was becoming a bit too confusing for Castiel.

'Is it about an angel?' he asked. Sam just shook his head sadly, as if to say, why are we talking about this?

'No, about a vampire named Angel,' Dean clarified and all three men made a disgusted sound. Dean chuckled about Castiel's reaction.

'Yeah, stupid name. His girlfriend was called Buffy. So, there's that. Anyway, there was an episode where he got some demon blood on him and became human and then Buffy and he could be together. But he was too vulnerable and it was dangerous for them both, because she had to protect him, so in the end he had to go back in time to change it,' Dean explained. A sharp pain caused Castiel to stagger forward and both brothers stepped towards him with concern.

'I'm fine,' he quickly said, waving them away. It was not physical pain. It was worse. The parallels of this Angel person's situation to his own situation were disturbing. Castiel had become human to be with Dean. In the past he had been unable to be with Dean and had been forced to erase a happy moment of theirs to protect Dean. Remembering that hurt.

'In this scenario you're Buffy, I presume?' Sam asked Dean, but his brother ignored him.

'The point is that now that you're human you're vulnerable and no matter how much I want to protect you, I can't do that all the time. So, you're going to have to be able to stand up for yourself,' Dean said. Castiel had visions of the two of them, hot and sweaty, groping each other. A raw heat developed in his groin that was quickly extinguished when Dean said that Sam was going to train him. Sam was no Dean. Dean obviously did not want to touch him inappropriately. Since the attack their physical relationship had deteriorated. It was chaste and disappointing and made Castiel think that Dean had lost interest in him.

(***)

A week later. One week before Sam starts law school.

Dean and Castiel were clearing out the room for a third training session. As much as Castiel complained about them; they helped. He had never known how important it was where you put your feet and how losing your balance could actually give you an advantage if your opponent didn't expect it. First they would practise defence and attack moves and then Sam would pretend to attack him. In the beginning, Sam had asked him whether he was alright after every attack, but he had soon tired of doing that. He still went to great lengths to make sure that he didn't hurt Castiel, but he had stopped treating him as if he was made of glass.

Usually, Dean demonstrated some moves too or gave tips and Castiel would inaccurately adopt them on purpose. However, it was never Dean who physically corrected him with a strategically placed hand, as Castiel hoped, but always Sam, so Castiel had given up attempting to draw Dean into their training.

'I'm going out,' Sam said and they looked up from pushing the couch against the wall. The younger Winchester had on a really nice shirt and a black pair of trousers. His shoes were shiny and he looked a bit apprehensive as he always did before a date with Miranda. This was their fourth date and it seemed to be going well. Good, Castiel thought, Sam deserved to be as happy as Dean and him. Except Dean and he weren't so happy anymore. Something significant had changed since the attack.

'But we just got the room ready,' Dean protested, but Sam was not to be deterred. Despite the fact that he had seen them preparing the room and dressing for training, he had said nothing. Castiel looked at Dean's black wife beater and grey sweatpants and stared down at his own shirt and shorts. They were both on bare feet for better grip on the mat.

'Well, then you're going to have to teach him yourself, aren't you?' Sam said and winked at Castiel, before saying to Dean, 'Time to stop being an idiot.'

He gave them a little wave and then he left. Dean and Castiel stared at each other. The first one to break eye contact was Dean and he coughed and looked away nervously.

'Last time, he showed me how to block a punch, but I don't think I really grasped it yet,' Castiel said. This was his chance. Now Dean would have to touch him. Dean looked as if he'd rather die than come any closer, though.

'My arms like this?' Castiel asked and he deliberately held his arms too close to his body. There was an awful moment where Castiel thought that Dean might still blow him off and reschedule the session until a time when Sam would be there, but then Dean approached him.

'No, like this,' Dean said and he demonstrated the proper stance. Then he tugged at Castiel's arms, until they were in the right position. However, he stepped away as soon as that was done.

'And you rotate your shoulder, remember? That way you shield your upper body and you can hit right back,' Dean prompted. The air conditioning was running full blast, but tiny beads of sweat were already forming on Dean's arms. Castiel tried to focus.

'Pay attention to the distance. Too close and you're gonna get hit, too far and they'll see your punches coming from a mile away,' Dean instructed and they circled each other. The mat felt cool and firm under Castiel's feet. The distance between them was ideal for fighting purposes. They were just out of each other's reach, but for one little step forward. Their eyes never wavered from the other's face.

'That's good. You ready? I'm gonna try and hit you,' Dean warned and he threw out a lame punch. The attempt was so slow and half-assed that it caught Castiel off guard. His confusion caused him to fumble the block and Dean's knuckles grazed his chin. It was more of a caress than a hit, but Dean looked horrified.

'Sorry,' Dean mumbled and came closer to inspect the damage, but Castiel stepped away. Maybe he needed to get him mad, so Dean would want to take a swipe at him. That was how they'd ended up having sex before. Somehow, Castiel didn't think he could do it. It would be like manipulation and he didn't want to have to trick Dean into having sex. He wanted Dean to want it too.

'I won't shatter if you touch me, Dean,' he sighed.

'I just thought it might remind you of, you know, the assault,' Dean admitted. Was he really that stupid? Was that what this was all about? He simply could not imagine Dean stomping on his ankle until it broke. He could not imagine Dean continuing to kick him if he begged him to stop or hitting him when his face was already caked in blood. If fighting Sam didn't remind him of the attack than how could fighting Dean ever do that?

'Why would it remind me of that? It's you. When you touch me I feel safe,' he said and he must have sounded puzzled. Slowly, Dean bridged the distance between them and cupped his face. They gently kissed. Castiel moved his hands across Dean's shoulders as Dean pressed kiss after kiss on his mouth. It felt so good after going for so long without this essential contact. When they broke apart, Dean looked happy and Castiel felt happier than he had done for quite some time.

'The thing you talked about? The sex? The intimacy and sharing and showing you love each other; I want that. I want you,' Castiel confessed and Dean hesitated visibly. If Dean refused him now, he didn't know what he would do. His hesitation was already proving almost too much to take. Castiel's eyes felt wetter than usual; it transported him back to that time Dean had been in the hospital. Dean had admitted that he was not all here. If Dean didn't love him, then Castiel wasn't all here either.

'Don't you want me? Don't you love me?' he asked as he stepped closer to Dean. They were toe to toe and Dean's look of absolute love nearly knocked him down. The former hunter stepped back and pulled the wife beater over his head. He came back and took off Castiel's shirt. Dean kissed him softly at first, but the kiss soon deepened. They shed Dean's sweatpants and Castiel's shorts on the way to the bedroom.

Dean laid him down on the bed and Castiel stared up at him with wonder. His touches were still tender, but he also detected lust in the other man's gaze. They kissed and kissed until they were out of breath. Castiel kept stroking Dean's shoulders and the slippery skin underneath his fingertips made him hard. Dean kissed his closed eyelids and his ears and his nose so lightly that Castiel almost couldn't feel it. The hot breath on his face made his entire body tingle. Dean's tongue darted out and licked his earlobe and Castiel arched his back. Dean smiled; Castiel could feel it against his neck.

The tip of Dean's tongue trailed a warm, wet line across his jaw and it was only the fact that Dean was straddling his hips that kept him from thrusting upward. Castiel's fingers burrowed into Dean's flesh. Even as he was busy trying not to cry out, Castiel felt the outline of a hand seared into the skin. His hand. Dean was his.

Gingerly, Dean started to lick around Castiel's lips. As if they had all the time in the world, he kissed his chin and placed small kisses all over his neck. Moving down, he covered Castiel with kisses as Castiel held on for dear life. He was afraid that his grip would bruise Dean's arms, but he needed to hold on to something. Drops of sweat were running down his face as he struggled for oxygen. His breath was coming faster and heavier than ever. When Dean came back up and lowered his lips onto Castiel's again, Castiel lost it. He flipped Dean over, so that he was on top.

Trying to match Dean's excruciating slowness; he looked into Dean's eyes. They were so beautiful. Dean was so beautiful. Dean touched the side of Castiel's face where a stubborn bruise had lingered for four weeks until finally disappearing. A lone tear made its way down his cheek and Castiel licked it away. Castiel gave himself over to desire and kissed Dean until his lips were sore. Meanwhile, his hands roamed over Dean's body, eliciting the most wonderful sounds from Dean. The former hunter groaned into Castiel's mouth and writhed underneath him.

'Cas...' Dean breathed, as he let out a trembling sigh. Castiel resumed his kissing until he felt Dean's hands on his hips. They peeled off his boxers and quickly Castiel removed Dean's boxers too. Everything was silent, except for their laboured breathing. Dean's naked body against his was the best sensation he'd ever experienced.

'Dean, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you,' Castiel whispered and Dean gasped. Their bodies moved slick and smooth against each other as Dean pushed him off and turned his back on him. Castiel rested his head on Dean's shoulder and embraced him from behind. His tongue brushed Dean's shoulder and the hand mark. He sucked hard on the sensitive skin and used some teeth. Dean leaned back against his body, passionately moaning. It was then that Castiel realised than instead of taking away something by turning his back on him that Dean had offered him something.

They were both dripping with sweat and so aroused that it was easy. He adjusted his body slightly, Dean's seemed to welcome him and there they were. One. Castiel savoured this feeling of making Dean his. Dean shuddered in his arms, which made Castiel even harder. A profound longing ripped through his body as they were simply lying there. Excited, he began to move and encountered no resistance from Dean. The other man merely forced his body completely against his and matched his rhythm. They rocked lazily back and forth and Castiel reached around for Dean.

It was amazing and Dean kept making these noises that communicated his complete surrender. Castiel's tongue explored every muscle in Dean's neck while his hands remained glued to Dean's hips. The perpetual motion was soothing and their speed almost imperceptibly increased. It became more and more difficult to endure their slow pace as Dean continued to shiver in his grasp. Castiel's thrusts grew deeper and wilder as Dean's moans grew louder. To be able to inspire such intense enjoyment in Dean spurred Castiel on even more and before long he felt an overwhelming pleasure ripple through his shaking body. The feeling gradually faded away as he kept moving and Dean, mysteriously quiet suddenly, quivered one last time.

Castiel waited until Dean moved away and faced him again. Their chests were still moving rapidly, trying to keep up with the accelerated oxygen intake. Dean kissed him thoroughly and played with his hair. Skilfully, he caressed Castiel's temples with his fingertips and placed his collarbones within kissing distance of Castiel's hungry lips. A new yearning was already developing in Castiel.

'Perhaps you'd better train with Sam. Less likely to prematurely end in sex,' Dean whispered into his ear and Castiel laughed. It was a fantastic feeling, but it didn't come close to having a second first time with the man you loved. Or an ordinary second or third time, he guessed. Though, with Dean, the sex could hardly be called ordinary.