Chapter 10: Be be your love
Castiel's POV
'Cas... Ah, fuck. Yes,' Dean breathed and panting, they disentangled. Dean kissed Castiel in that sloppy way he usually adopted after sex and which Castiel loved. Then again, there was very little about Dean that he didn't love. Comfortably close to each other, they tried to catch their breath. This was one of those moments that Castiel adored. It was physical, but it was also emotionally intimate. Dean's face would be completely unguarded and it would shine with the sort of devotion that Castiel only wished Dean could express in words.
It clearly bothered Dean that he hadn't said those three words yet, even though Castiel did everything he could to impress upon Dean that he didn't mind. It wasn't as if he didn't know Dean loved him. The way Dean looked at him, the way Dean touched him; it was evident in everything Dean did. Sometimes when he woke up in the morning, he would find Dean staring at him. The former hunter would turn away embarrassed and pretend he hadn't been caught.
There would be a look in his eyes that Castiel had no difficulty recognising. It was a look that indicated Dean's reluctance to believe his luck. Something inside of Dean remained forever pessimistic. It was ready to have the world come crashing down on him. Apocalypse, devil; Dean was permanently prepared for them to all resurface again.
Dean sighed and Castiel turned towards him. He stroked his lover's collarbones. Castiel wondered whether it was a Winchester gene. Sam's collarbones were also nice to look at; not that Castiel would ever admit this to Dean. However, nothing compared to Dean's. The soft silky skin stretched over them, the tautness when Dean was nervous like he was now.
'Look, this is not... I'm not good at this sort of thing. It's going to come out all stupid and weird,' Dean apologised, beforehand. Castiel simply kissed his collarbone and waited. It was the least he could do.
'I've been a hunter almost my entire life and what that means is that you can't afford to get attached to people. So, I had my dad and Sam and that was about it. There were a few women whom I could have loved, but the lifestyle usually fucked that up. With men, I don't know why, but it was always just sex. Until you,' Dean said and he looked at Castiel. Castiel nodded gently and they lay silently for a moment with their fingertips touching.
'I'm telling this in the wrong order. When I lived with Lisa and Ben; that was nice, but something was always missing. She'd ask me whether I missed the hunting, whether I thought about it. And I didn't. Not really. I thought about Sam being in Lucifer's cage and I thought about you. Sometimes she would ask whether I thought about you, but I'd lie and say you weren't on my mind. Maybe she kind of knew,' Dean mumbled and he smiled absentmindedly. That was nice; it was strange how something as nondescript and noncommittal as that could hurt Castiel a little bit, even knowing that Dean had been thinking about him.
'With you it was never just friendship. With you it can never be just sex. It never has been. From the start it was something more. When you declared yourself God...' Dean added, but the sudden mention of that moment shocked Castiel and Dean stopped. He looked at Castiel, worried.
'You keep bringing up the God thing and I understand that. I hurt you,' Castiel assured him, but Dean didn't seem happy by being granted permission to continue discussing it.
'No. Well, yes, obviously you did; that's why I asked you to stay. I didn't want to lose you then and I don't want to lose you now. Do you remember what I told you about Atropos?' Dean asked. Was there ever going to come a right time to tell Dean about what Atropos had really meant and what Castiel had been forced to do? Castiel wasn't sure. Those five years after that, knowing what he did, had been awful and hurting Dean again was the last thing Castiel wanted to do. Sensing Castiel's distress, Dean kissed him.
'She visited you and threatened you,' Castiel murmured into Dean's mouth. The soft brush of Dean's teeth against his bottom lip was tantalizing and Castiel moaned. Smiling, Dean pulled back.
'Yes. I mean, it was more like stating the obvious, because we're all gonna go someday. But since you decided to become human I've wondered about your someday,' Dean confessed and he seemed almost ashamed to do so. He kissed Castiel again, a little rougher this time.
'It's... That's one of the things I think about when I think about the God thing: losing you. I don't want to. So, I've been doing stupid shit, like not having sex with you and not saying how I feel about you, because I feel like if I do it's gonna hurt that much more if I do lose you,' Dean continued. Frowning, he stared down at Castiel and pointed at the hand mark on his upper arm. Remembering their earlier conversation, Castiel caressed the hand seared into Dean's flesh.
'But it's doesn't make any difference really, whether I say it or not, because I'm already yours,' Dean said and the admission appeared to startle him. Castiel ignored Dean's confusion and pushed Dean back onto his pillow. He kissed those lips he loved so much and sucked at Dean's shoulder.
'And it's strange and scary, because I didn't think I wanted this. I thought I'd have Sam and that would be it. But now I go to sleep next to you and I wake up next to you and that makes me feel... I can't describe it. You make me feel good. You make me feel like I could be an FBI agent,' Dean sounded puzzled and struggled to hold on his composure while Castiel flicked his tongue against Dean's marked shoulder.
'Dean...' Castiel said. Dean, there's no reason you couldn't be an FBI agent, or professor, or lawyer, or architect, or whatever you want to be. I have faith in you. I always have. However, Castiel said none of those things, because Dean knew; the same as Castiel knew that Dean loved him.
'Even with the God thing, which was possibly the worst moment of my life, but it's a stiff competition, so... In that moment when you said all those things and ignored what I was saying, I knew it wasn't really you. Because after I told you I didn't want to lose you, there was no way you would have responded the way you did. In that moment, I realised I had feelings for you,' Dean told him and Castiel halted mid-lick. Of all the moments to fall in love, Dean had picked that one? Castiel propped himself up on his elbows and leaned on Dean's chest. They stared at each other.
'So, you make me feel good about myself and this love that you have for me is amazing, but even without that I would feel the same. At the lowest point in our time together when you threatened to destroy me and you claimed to feel absolutely nothing for me, I felt this. I wanted you.'
Rapidly blinking, Castiel rolled away from Dean. Concerned, Dean grabbed his wrist and Castiel squeezed his eyes shut.
'How could you?' Castiel whispered.
'It's the way we work. That cruel response, when you said I wasn't your family, that's when I knew. It wasn't you saying those things, because you loved me. We can be cruel to each other, but that was too much.' Dean punctuated every word with a kiss. On Castiel's fingertips, on his palm, around his wrist and up his arm to his neck.
'Look at me,' Dean demanded and Castiel opened his eyes, 'I want this. I want to stay with you for the rest of my life. I want you so much that sometimes I can't breathe. I look at you and I have to remind myself that this is real. That you're mine. I spent so long believing that I couldn't have anything that I started to believe that I didn't want anything, but I want you. If I could only have one thing it'd be you. Screw Sam!'
Dean laughed and licked his way from Castiel's neck to Castiel's lips and into Castiel's mouth. Castiel gripped the sides of Dean's face and responded hungrily. Suddenly, Dean loosened Castiel's hands and pinned them to the mattress. Fascinated, Castiel stared up at him. Dean rubbed his cheek against Castiel's and their noses collided. There was something very comforting about the rough contact; almost animalistic. Dean finished with a gentle bite and tug on Castiel's lips and took a deep breath.
'I love you, Cas. I can't remember a time when I didn't love you and I can't imagine there will come a time when I won't love you. Now, let's have some more sex,' Dean said and the gentle tone of his voice contradicted the crude suggestion. Castiel arched upward and managed to kiss him, before being pushed down again. Unbidden a taste fantasy came to him. Taking a mouthful of pie and kissing Dean. Dean loved him and Dean loved pie.
'I love you too. I love you like I loved you the day we met,' Castiel replied and Dean growled.
'Why do you always have to do that? You don't have to try and outdo me,' Dean protested, sounding a bit annoyed, 'That's not even true. You didn't love me when we first met.'
'No? There's no such thing as retroactive love? You just said you didn't remember a time when you didn't love me, which is also clearly false,' Castiel objected and Dean leaned down and bit his lip a little harder.
'Forget what I said; those vows will go well with your wedding dress,' Dean growled and buried his face in Castiel's neck. Feebly, Castiel fought to free himself from Dean's grasp, but he only ended up tired and panting.
'Liar,' he whispered, defeated and Dean released his arms. Immediately, Castiel launched himself forward and they both fell off the bed. Luckily, the carpet was thick and soft. He trapped Dean underneath his body. Dean was unimpressed. He writhed and squirmed to please Castiel, but they both knew that Dean could escape any time he wanted to. Fortunately, he didn't want to.
'Come on,' Dean taunted, but Castiel listened for sounds in the apartment. He was still adjusting to Sam's absence. It meant that they could have sex wherever and whenever they wanted without having to worry about Sam walking in on them. A couple of times in the living room in the week before Sam had moved out had already been a little too close for comfort, but Dean kept on insisting on the couch and the counter and it was impossible to refuse him anything.
'I'm so glad Sam doesn't live here anymore. The sex noises would surely disturb him,' Castiel confided and Dean heaved an irritated sigh.
'How many times have I told you not to bring up Sam during foreplay? Now you've ruined it.' Dean chided Castiel.
'Really?' Castiel asked, disappointed.
'No,' Dean admitted and he flipped Castiel onto his back before starting to kiss him. Castiel started to giggle, which in the beginning had freaked out Dean. Giggling angels; it was all so very wrong, but now he seemed to like it. Correction: love it. Like he loved Castiel; without abandon. Maybe surrendering completely to that feeling and letting someone in wasn't such a bad thing after all. Provided it was the right person. Castiel had hoped that Dean would realise this and now he had. Finally.