Rebecca's POV
I opened the door with a sigh, feeling tired to my bones but every single one of my molecules singing with contentment and happiness. It was around two in the afternoon and I paused when I entered the cottage, feeling the air conditioner steal what little heat the autumn offered. And the first thing that was odd was that the air conditioner was on, because it was cool enough that I wasn't needed. But also, I hadn't turned it on, so who had?
My body now tensed, every nerve ending on alert for the intruder. I knew it was Kalin, I had left him sleeping in his own bed, sated and deep asleep. The only reason I had roused was because I had my first gig today, the first in awhile. I couldn't help it, I was going to go stir crazy if all I had to fill my time was avoiding Kalin and sitting around here. Not to mention music seemed to be ingrained in my very bone and blood, I often found my body twitching to dance, my fingers aching to play an instrument.
Speaking of, I picked up my violin case at the door, planning on using it as a weapon if need be.
"Welcome home, Beck." Beth's voice came to me from someone in the house, and I relaxed immediately. It wasn't odd for her to be here, I had given her the spare bedroom in the back, and a key to the place, so I considered her more of a roommate than anything else, but it was odd for her to be here on a Monday, today was her busy day with classes. But something about her voice irked at me, there was a slightly nervous pitch to it, and she sounded almost . . . panicked that I was home.
"Hey, good afternoon, Beth." I responded, moving further into the house and finding her standing in the hallway that lead to the bedrooms, in nothing but a pink robe. She was shifting her feet nervously, and I eyed her with concern. I swear, if she didn't calm down she was going to pass out. Whatever she was hiding could not be that bad . . .
Could it?
"What's up?" I asked casually, moving towards the sink to get myself a drink of water. More of that nervous shuffling.
"Uh, nothing. I, um, didn't expect you to come home today when you didn't come home last night. I am guessing your date with Kalin went well then?" it was a question, not a statement, and she lacked her usually teasing air and excitement. I frowned down at my drink, still giving her my back, finding I didn't like not know what my friend was thinking.
"Yes, it went well. And I spent the night over his house last night."
"Oh, so you got it on." A little back to normal, but she still lacked the full teasing. This seemed more forced. I turned to her, drink in hand,, and eyed her again.
"No, we may have done . . . other things, but I am afraid that sex was not on the list."
"Oral still counts." little less forced, and I smiled.
"True," I conceded, and took a drink.
"So, are you finally going to admit you are in love with him now?"
THAT had me spewing my water all over the floor and table. Usually, she would have laughed, but instead, her lips set into a mulish line.
"Where the hell did that come from?" I gasped, coughing and and sputtering, my eyes watering and my wind pipe burning from the water I had accidentally inhaled.
"It came from the fact you are obviously in denial."
"God, now you sound like Kalin." I snapped.
"Do you even know what love is?"
"Of course I do!"
"No, like seriously, the heart throbbing, breath robbing, I feel so light headed but I cant get enough of it love."
I paused, blinking at her, grinding my teeth. Beth was starting to make me wonder if I really knew love as well as I thought I did.
"What are you talking about? I do know love, Beth, I do. I love you, and I loved my best friend who died. I love my sister." but I stopped because she was already shaking her head.
"No, that is not the kind of love I am talking about."
"Well how am I supposed to know the difference? To me love is love."
"If you can't tell, then how are you ever suppose to know if you love Kalin?"
"I don't ever plan on loving Kalin." I finally snapped, and we both froze. I was socked at myself and she was doubtful. "I . . . don't think I every realized I felt that way." I admitted, feeling suddenly defeated.
"Rebecca, I don't want to tell you this, but I think you already do love Kalin, and I think that scares you. I think it scares you that you want to see him smile, to laugh, to feel him next to you every morning. I think it scares you that you know if you gave yourself over then you know that you would be unable to live without him. That you would want a child with him, and you would want to grow old and die with him. That you would give your life to just to see him live happily for at least one more day. That your heart will throb and ache every time he looks at you with that love in his eyes, and that you don't think you could ever part with him even if it were for both of your own goods." sighing she shook her head, running a hand through her hair.
"I know it is scary, and I know for someone like you who has been used and abused, giving yourself over to someone can be terrifying. But you are hurting yourself, but you are also hurting him. He will spend the rest of his life pining for a love you are unwilling to give, and it will slowly kill him every single day. When he says he loves you but receives no words in return, or when he looks at you with all that tenderness, and all you can do is look away. He will always slave to you for the rest of your time together, you will never be lacking in anything.
"This isn't like your family, he doesn't want you because you have something he wants."
"I am the only one he can have sex and children with." I said in way of argument, but it was said softly, weakly, and we both knew I was scrambling for excuses.
"Kalin is a wonderful man, I doubt sex or children really matter to him when he looks at you. He followed you when you ran from him, kept his distance and gave you time, agreed to your silly little tests without an ounce of complaint, and never pushed you for sex. He could manipulate you, he could make you give him what he wants, but in the end he is doing something I have seen few men do. He is laying his heart right there out on the ground for you to do what you will with it, and right now, the only thing you have been doing is toeing it around."
"So what, you think I should just blurt out I love him?"
"No, I am saying wait until you are ready."
"I am sorry, Beth, I really am. But I think you are wrong about me, I don't think I can love like that."
"We will see." she said with a stubborn set of her chin, and I sighed, recognizing that stubbornness for what it was, because the same hard length ran in me as well. I looked at Beth and wish that I could see what she saw, wish I could give myself how she gave. She never held any of herself back, but I always did. From my past relationships, being used by men, and from my childhood, being used by my own parents, it seemed as if someone was always out to use me for something.
Even Philip sometimes seemed more interested in what my blood could uncover than me as a person. But it broke my heart, when he thought I was not near his office, when he would take a picture out of his wife, and he would weep over it. Not small little tears but heart wrenching gut ripping sobs that made my chest ache with sympathy and pain. He loved his wife so much even to this day, I was so afraid of falling into something like that. To love someone and give yourself to someone so much that the only thing you could do is cry over their picture, hardly sleep, hardly eat, and isolate yourself from the rest of the world.
It seemed like a lose lose to me, no matter which way I looked at it.
I raised my cup, taking a mouthful, when suddenly a voice made both of us tense, the water freezing in my mouth.
"Bethie, come back to bed." a male voice called from the back bedroom. It was sleep rich and inviting. Neither of us even had a chance to move, to breath, until Ben walked out of the back bed room . . .
Stark naked.
Our eyes locked, shocked, frozen in time for a single moment.
Then we both screamed, him reaching to cover himself, me, choking on my water, coughing, sputter, covering my eyes, screaming through the cough "OH MY GOD PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!" and him screaming, "I AM SORRY REBECCA! SO SORRY! SORRY!"
I heard the bedroom door close but I was still choking, and then Beth was there at my side, hitting me on the back, trying to help me dislodge the unwelcome water in my lungs.
"I'm sorry Beck." she said with a tone heavy with shame.
"Hes the one then I am guessing."
"Yes," she said softly, and finally, when I could breath, I lowered my hands to look her I the face that was bright red with shame and embarrassment.
"How long have you known?"
"Honestly? He approached me soon after the night club incident. And we have been seeing each other for awhile." she could not look me in the eye, she kept looking away, as if she had done some terrible wrong.
"You love him?"
"I think I might. In the short time he had treated me like a goddess."
"Then be happy." I said softly, gently touching her arm to get her to meet my eyes.
"You aren't mad at me for dating your ex?"
"Ha! No! Sorry, but in all the time me and him were dating, what I just saw right now was the most I have ever seen." I gave a mock shudder. "No replay's, please."
Beth laughed, obvious relief on her face, and I felt bad that had felt the need to hide this from me.
"I am guessing this was your first time?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood.
"Yes, and it was not bad at all. I thought it would be painful and suck balls, but he was thoughtful and so in-tuned to me it was a little creepy sometimes."
And that got me thinking, would that be how me and Kalin would be should I climb into bed with him again? From everything else we had done together he had been just hot Beth had described Ben. He paid more attention to my body then I ever knew was possible.
"I know, they are pretty good for some virgins, huh?" I joked, nudging her with my elbow. She grinned, knowing that Ben could hear her in the back.
"I won't answer that and leave that one to mystery," she said with a wink, and I grinned back at her. She was sneaky, now Ben would be dying to know how he did.
I went to finish what was left of my water as I glanced over at the clock, and ended up spitting out what was left.
"What now!" Beth cried, leaping out of the way.
"Damnit! I missed my bus!
"Bus for what?"
"Nothing! Never mind! Goddammit, now how I am supposed to avoid going stir crazy!"
"Well," Beth said, drawing out the word as if it had a whole bunch of meaning.
"What?"
"There is always sex."