Chapter 2

Kensi hears both Callen and Sam coming in and asking Hetty about what's going on and what happened to Deeks but she can't bring herself to look at them. She just keeps her eyes trained on the papers in front of her and carries on with her reading, even when Hetty informs the other two agents that they have enough material to arrest the ones who did this to Deeks and that they should go and take care of that.

Kensi moves to day 5 and starts reading the words her partner wrote for her, not wanting to think about anything else at the moment.

Day 5
I think they trust me. You know as well as I do that one can never say without any doubt that a bad guy trusts us. But this one seems to rely on me. I've only been here for five days but my cover is good enough to fool him in such a short period of time. That's a good thing and I will thank Eric and Nell for that later. I will have a meeting with one of you in five days, to give you some new information about the case and for you guys to make sure I'm still in one piece. I find myself hoping that they send you for that. I need to see you and I know how crazy that sounds. I mean, it's not even been a week yet and I already miss you.

Upon reading those words, she can't help the tear that runs down her cheek. She remembers being as excited as he was for that meeting. The truth was that she desperately wanted to see him there, even though he'd only been undercover for 5 days at that point. The prospect of seeing him on the scheduled meetings was the only thing that offered her comfort at that time. She moves to the next day, right when she feels Sam sitting on the chair to her right.

Day 6
I brought your watch. I figured that this was a good day for a confession, of sorts. There's a part of me that knows I should have told you before I brought it but it would seem silly to have that conversation with you. It's not like you would react well to me telling you I needed to have something that belonged to you with me. I'm telling you now, sort of. I brought your watch because I'm painfully aware of the fact I might be here, without you, for a while. I need a piece of you to keep me company, to keep me sane. The things these guys are doing…Kensi, I know I will nightmares for weeks to come. I saw them torture a guy yesterday. A part of me knows he had it coming and that I shouldn't feel sympathy for a guy who sells drugs for a living. But the way he screamed while they were pulling his fingernails made me sick. I didn't sleep last night but that's nothing I wasn't prepared for. You warned me before I came. You told me that it wasn't easy to see something like that. I believed you, like I always do, but I never knew it could be this bad. I hope your sweet perfume can lull me to sleep tonight, the one that still lingers on your watch.

His confession makes her smile because the truth is that she also stole one of his shirts, also knowing that she could be a while without seeing him. That's the shirt she's been wearing to sleep, lately. And a part of her already knew about the watch. Her house might be a mess but she knew she wouldn't simply lose her watch. Callen sits on the chair to her left but no one says a word so she keeps reading, not even stopping to acknowledge them.

Day 7
I managed to sleep last night, barely. Awful nightmares woke me up, nightmares in which you were the one who was being tortured in front of me while I stood there, helplessly. You would probably smack me across the head if I told you this because, no matter how much we joke around, you know I always have your back. And the truth is that I wouldn't stay there without doing anything if it were you on that chair. I would give my own life to save yours and I don't think you know that. You probably do because that's what partners do. I know you would take a bullet for me too. But the need I have to protect you goes way beyond that. I feel like I can only live if you're in this world, safe and sound. God, I just realized how cheesy I'm becoming in these letters. I need to lighten things up a bit because, if it ever comes to that, I don't want you to think of me as the guy who was cheesy. I want you to remind me as the guy who could always make you smile (and don't deny it because you know it's the truth). You often tried to disguise it but I know you're a sucker for my lame jokes. Enough of this for today. I have a few errands to run for the boss.

His lame jokes were exactly what made her realize he was special. He could always make her smile, even in the middle of one of those long and crappy days. He would crack a joke and she would smile, often disguising it. But her partner was never fooled by that act and that was the prove of that.

Day 8
I remembered something today. I once read a quote that always stayed engraved in my brain, for some reason. It's not the only one. I seem to have a pretty good memory when it comes to completely useless and random stuff. Maybe I will start incorporating those things in these letters, to keep the mood light. I was getting way too cheesy, Fern. See? I'm doing it already (or at least trying). Let's cut the rambling short. My original idea was to write this quote and tell you why I never forgot it. It went like this, if I'm not mistaken: "You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.". This quote made me think about a lot of things. For example, what would you do if you lost me? It's something I don't want to think about too much but…Would you face it as the death of just another partner or do I mean something more to you? It scares me a bit to think I mean as much to you as you mean to me. We both know I can die here, that's not something new. But, I want you to know something. I want you to move on from whatever happens, no matter what I mean to you. I will be forever happy knowing I have a special place in your heart, even if I die. And that I know I have. No matter how much we both try to deny it sometimes, I know I have a place in your heart just like you have a place in mine, a very special place. And this was my ridiculous attempt to stop being cheesy. Can you tell how well that worked out? I need to start writing you some funnier quotes, that's for sure. Maybe tomorrow…

She finds herself liking this cheesy side of him and wondering about the same things he wrote on the letter. If he died, she knows she wouldn't face it as the death of a partner. Marty Deeks means a lot more to her than that. She should have told him. She should have showed him. And now, while he fights for his life, she finds herself regretting never saying a word because he might not know how much he means to her.

I'm sorry it took this long to update but I had a lot going on. Tomorrow is my 18th birthday so I had some things to take care of for the big day. And, starting this Tuesday, I will be officially off for the summer so I will try to update more regularly. For now, I hope you review this chapter and I want to thank you all for the amazing feedback I got for the first chapter.

Love,
Sarah