Kensi keeps reading, dreading the next few letters. She realized, over the past few minutes, how excited he had been to see her on that meeting. She has been just as excited. Needy, even. The truth is that she had needed to see him. Regardless of that, she knows she can't stop reading at this point. She's too far gone and the letters are a great distraction. It helps to keep her mind off of her partner's situation.

Day 9
The meeting is tomorrow and I can only hope that Hetty sends you. I need to see you, even if just for a few minutes. But I will try to be less cheesy today. Yesterday's letter was too much. I'm not trying to make you cry when you read these letters (if you ever get to read them). I can't stand the thought of making you cry, princess. So, today, I have another quote you might like. "Forget love – I'd rather fall in chocolate." Somehow, this seems to be the best quote for someone with a sweet-tooth like yours. That's kind of your philosophy, isn't it? You built walls around yourself to keep everyone at arm's length, thinking that will be enough to keep all the hurt and sadness away. That might work but always remember that you have to let someone in, once in a while. Candies can't be the only thing to get close enough to hurt you, you know? Did that make sense? I don't think it did but it's two in the morning and I'm tired. It's hard to make sense while you're tired. However, I had to write you the daily letter. It's almost day 10 but, as far counting goes, it's still day 9 for me. I'm going to try to get some sleep. I don't want to look too tired when I have that meeting with one of you tomorrow.

Kensi takes a deep breath, wipes away a tear that managed to roll down her cheek, and continues.

Day 10
My meeting was with Callen but I think you already know that. It was short and only enough for me to give him the updates on the case. He told me everything is okay back home but I'm not sure if I fully trust him. I know you well enough to know you would fight Hetty's orders if you really wanted to see me. I know you well enough to know you would argue with anyone that stood in your way, if you really wanted to talk to me. You're Kensi Marie Blye. The only person who has the power to stop you is yourself. Everyone else just ends up accepting doing things your way. So why didn't you come? Don't you want to see me? Maybe I was wrong when I allowed myself to think, even if just for a few brief seconds, that you loved me as much as I love you. I guess there's nothing left to say today.

The pain she feels upon reading those words can only be compared to the one he must have felt when he walked in and saw, all those days ago, that his meeting was with Callen and not with her.

Day 11
Every single day ever since I started writing these letters, I've been telling you countless times how I feel about you. Yesterday, though, I realized you might not feel the same way about me. That hurts, more than what I thought it would. If I'm honest with myself, I knew this could happen. I just never really allowed myself to believe you wouldn't love me. It sucks and that's all I can say. There's no cheesy-Deeks today. I guess one can't really write cheesy stuff to someone when it hurts so damn much to think about said someone. It's not that I'm angry at you. I think I'm just feeling too depressed. That combined with the kind of things I've been seeing lately is just too much for me to handle at the moment. Don't worry, I'll get over it.

Kensi wants to go back in time and change everything. She wants to be able to tell him how she feels about him. She wants to tell him that he means the world to her and that she had a very good reason to skip that meeting. She wants him to know she wanted to see him too. God, he needs to be alright.

Just as she starts reading the next letter, Hetty hands her a coffee and demands that she takes a break from all the reading. She does as she's told, too tired to argue with her boss. And, before she knows it, tiredness gets the better of her and she ends up falling asleep in a matter of minutes, the letters in her hands.

Kensi wakes up when the doctor walks in and tells them what's going on. "Mr. Deeks is out of surgery. Fortunately, it seems that his situation wasn't nearly as bad as it seemed at first. We were able to repair the internal damage but we'll only know more when he wakes up. The next few hours will be crucial but we are sure he will make a full recovery."

Kensi speaks, her voice shaking and no louder than a whisper. "Can I stay with him?"

The doctor starts shaking his head but Hetty sends him one of her deadly looks and the man is already familiar with the tiny lady. He guides Kensi to her partner's room and motions for her to sit on the chair. She pulls it closer to the bed, not daring to look at Deeks yet (too scared with what she might see), and restarts her reading, knowing that the doctor already left.

Day 15
I know it's been four days since I've last written anything to you but that's how long it took me to wrap my brain around the idea that I'm writing these letters, pouring out all my love for you, when you don't feel the same way about me. It still hurts but I've decided to keep writing. You may not love me but I love you and I refuse to think about leaving you without you being sure of that. I had another meeting with Callen today and it made me think about why you're not the one who comes to receive my updates. I asked Callen about that but the only thing he said was that you were following Hetty's orders. Sure, that's a good reason but I'm not buying it. If you really wanted to see me, Hetty wouldn't be able to stop you. Anyway, I will keep writing, even though I probably won't do it as frequently as before. I'm sure you'll understand that, if you ever get to read these letters.

Kensi lets out another tear and gathers enough courage to look at the man she loves and whose heart she broke all those days ago. He has a black eye, a busted lip and a small cut on his neck. He has a big bandage on his chest but, other than that, he looks peaceful and okay. She grabs his hand and allows herself to rest, even if for a short period of time.

I'm sorry this took so freaking long and I have no way to justify this. I've been simply lazy for the past two weeks, it seems. But, here it is. I'm also sorry I didn't send you the usual PM with the preview but I'm currently out of the house (and out of the country) and the access to the internet is rather scarce. I will come back home in less than a week and I promise the updates will start being more regular after that.

Also, after the next chapter, I will start focusing more on the present instead of the letters.

Again, I'm sorry for all this and I hope no one gets angry.

Love,
Sarah