Chapter 15: Never-Ending Thrill

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Was he right? Was she right for what she did to him? What he did to her? How did he lose? Why was he still alive? Thoughts ran throughout Robin's mind as he sat on the bed, staring at the wall without a clue or answer for his dilemma. That demon still appeared to him despite having the stain of defeat cleaned from his body. Even still, he could not rid the image of her from his mind.

What happened to the thrill of blowing things up for no reason? Where was that smile he had on his face during all of the chaos and destruction he brought to the city? It didn't make sense and drove him nuts. He ran a hand through his hair, still finding tiny shards of glass. Five dark holes decorated his chest and the foul stench of defeat punctuated the anger blending with the confusion Robin felt after his battle.

He made his point. He wasn't coming back. Robin had put her on the brink of death and poisoned her beyond repair, and still she fought. Still she snarled, still she pushed against what she believed was evil. But he made the right choice. He knew it. Heck, if that psycho girl handed him a bunch of explosives and told him to be free, he did something right. Not everyone just gives you an invitation to do what you want. Even still, why wasn't he feeling great?

"I warned you. I warned you. I warned you."

"You didn't warn me about anything."

It was enough that Blackfire had proved him wrong, but to stand over Robin and gloat about it? That was not going to happen. But Blackfire just scoffed. "I warned you about her, Robin. I told you what would happen if you tempted my sister, but you didn't listen. You forced her to almost kill you, and now that you know what she can do, you're afraid because you know that even if you crawl back to them on your knees, she'll still kill you."

A bird-a-rang whizzed past Blackfire's cheek and soared into the wall with a clang. Blackfire dabbed the red trail on her face and smiled before rubbing some of it between her fingers. "You made a mistake and now you're trying to cover up for it, Robin."

"Stop. You don't understand. I…" He grappled with the words, but soon faced Blackfire like he had an epiphany. "I enjoyed it. I could've died tonight. I was fighting to make a point, and I did, but I still enjoyed it."

This bastard is sick. Blackfire shook her head, but didn't try to dissuade Robin. Too many times had Koriand'r tried to play the voice of reason to her, so instead of trying to be the responsible one and offer closure and comfort who almost had their skull crushed, she sighed in silent recognition and went back to her book. She skimmed a few pages, eyes darting back towards Robin every ten seconds until she realized twenty minutes had passed and she still hadn't turned the page. At last, she slammed it shut. "This isn't the first time she's gone crazy."

Robin didn't respond, so Blackfire had the green light to continue.

"When the two of us, my sister and I, were little, our father took us to this late night battle royal. See, we didn't have many restrictions on combat back then. So the woman got the best of the man and started taunting him until he…" Blackfire paused and searched for the right words. They never came. "…he just went crazy. His wounds started healing, his nails turned into claws…and he crushed that woman's skull."

Seconds passed before Blackfire noticed Robin shift to face her.

"Now…my sister loved that man. She never stopped talking about how it was some great honor to show off that kind of power, how a man like him would be awarded for discovering his hidden strength and…one night, that man showed up dead." She let the next words hang on the edge of her tongue like a bad disease until she could bring herself to say it. "My father did it. He never wanted someone to grow strong enough to overthrow him. After that, my sister never brought up the man anymore. But one day she asked me what would happen if she did the same thing as the man."

"And you never answered her."

Blackfire's silence confirmed Robin's statement. "Nice story. Why are you telling me this?"

"Just a warning. She's too unpredictable for her own good." The slight frown on her face became a smile. "But what the hell- if you like a challenge, I won't try anymore to stop you. I do have one question: A lot of things happened to you during that fight and you haven't said a thing." Blackfire turned over to face Robin. "So what was it like? Getting tossed around and thrashed just to prove a point must've been pretty bad. She always could throw a good punch."

"I…enjoyed it." Robin had to pause and think about whether he had meant that, but he did. "I had this thought: all this time I've been holding back like living in a world made of cardboard. I never went all out because I was told to never break the golden rule. Each time, I could send the perp off to the cops, but never break him, never make him suffer for what he did. I couldn't let myself lose control- even for a moment- since someone could die."

"The thought being…"

"Why not just let go? All this time I've been a 'by the rules' guy. Now I can just go in without any plan and show other 'by the rules' guys how stupid they are for having a plan. I should just do things without worrying about who I'm hurting or what gets destroyed in the way. All of those morals and restraints I used to have; they're gone. I'm a free spirit, like a bird in a flock. I won't know what to do when I catch up to the flock; I just keep on chasing them anyway. So I figure as long as I fight with rules, I can never reach my full potential. Without rules, everything falls into place. Same thing applies to your sister. The first time I fought, I didn't want to hurt her."

"So I noticed."

"But after tonight, not having rules makes a lot of sense. I never would've thought of poisoning someone and leaving them for dead because it never would have been a part of my battle plan. Slade was right: my morals held me back. Now that they're gone, there's no more worrying about who gets hurt. I saw your sister as a target, not a friend or enemy. Not even a person. She was just…a target. It didn't come down to who cared for each other the most, it was whoever made the first strike. No matter how hard she hit me, it was a great time. What more can she do to me besides beat me to a pulp? And before you say she can kill me, forget about it. She'll ramble about doing it, but it won't happen. She won't kill me because she has some obligation to make me see the light, and I won't kill her because she's too good of a challenge to give up right now. I think we'll be doing this for a long time. That's fun."

"That's anarchy, Robin." Blackfire adjusted her tone to not sound so serious. "You've come a long way, but if you're gonna listen to Jinx again, be careful. She doesn't keep count of how many times she cuts herself because she thinks it'll ruin the fun."

Again, Robin tried and failed to wipe the smile from his face. "I'll remember that."

"Then remember this, too: I won't be there to save you next time because I know you're going after her again."

"Wouldn't be much of a free spirited fighter if I didn't."

At that point, Blackfire took longer to respond than normal. She wrestled with her words and who she was talking to before speaking at last. "So tell me, Robin, what do you think a true fighter is?"

I see a boy trapped in a cage with the key in his hands. Don't go in there with a plan or idea. Just blow something up. "I think it's someone who fights without a plan of action; someone who's always adjusting or making it seem like they're adjusting just to keep themselves fresh. That person doesn't have any idea why they do it. They just like doing it. The fighter can't fear death because the rules of combat don't apply to them, so whatever happens is what happens."

"You were afraid of dying. Don't even try to lie, Robin. You looked like hell when I saw you. And you were in a church. Dying in a church because you did the 'wrong' thing. If you still didn't fear death then, you're crazy. But I know you're not, and that's why I'm glad you're on our side." Blackfire paused, resisting the urge to laugh. "Even if Slade has been rough on you. He told me that he won't be seeing you for a few days and that if you leave again, come back with a body bag."

"With whose body?"

"He said to let you figure that out." Unable to resist fatigue any longer, a yawn passed Blackfire's lips, but not enough to make her ready to call it a night. She looked to Robin. "So what happens now? You aren't getting dressed yet."

"Listen, we may not get along that much, but even though Starfire is your sister, don't hate me if I kill her."

"I can't promise that."

"Why not?"

"Because fate has reserved that pleasure for me."

"Even so, I won't promise that Jinx will give me another pep talk."

Blackfire shrugged and headed for the door. "Fair enough. Just promise me that when you get ready for the killing blow, you're thinking of getting in one for me."

"It's a deal."

Blackfire exited, not before taking one last look at Robin. As the door slid shut behind her, she shut out the possibility that she would never see Robin alive again.

Robin, however, remained on the bed. Bruce chose him because he was just a boy, so fragile and without parents- in need of guidance. He wanted to prove that even those who lost those closest to them could rise up and combat their fears in order to fight against those who brought chaos to the world. The Titans chose him to lead because he was the best of them. He had the leadership to take them to victory- despite their ups and downs- and keep them together as a tight family. But then Slade chose him.

Why? To prove that someone as upstanding and clean as Robin could fall prey to temptation? To turn him into a heartless super soldier? No. To show that everyone had untapped potential. All they had to do was seal away their emotions and stop holding back. You either died a hero hated by the world or you kept on going until you didn't care what the world threw at you because you would always rise to the occasion. Starfire rose to the occasion to stop him and failed. Even so, he didn't get out of there without a few scratches. He needed that thrill.

He needed her.

Looking to his left, Robin saw the dagger. The moonlight shined and highlighted specks of red lining the tip of the blade. Her blood stained that weapon. She tried to break him so he would come back to his so called home, but it didn't work. If she did want to kill him, she would have, but she didn't. So it was obvious to Robin that Starfire shared his sentiments. They would fight each other for a long time, each grappling to get what they wanted until one of them succumbed. Starfire, or whatever that demonic thing was she became, still fought with her heart and feelings. To Robin, feelings held the powerful fighters back. Clenching his fists, Robin tasted the sweet flavor of chaos and walked down that road to anarchy with no intention of looking back.

Robin got dressed.