Hikaru's Life Lessons Number Four: Friends Don't Let Friends Date Suspicious Characters, Even in Their Own Deluded Imagination

Akira pointed his hand at his desk. "What is that?"

"A computer," Hikaru said dutifully.

"A computer which no longer works. I'm going to have to completely wipe my laptop and reinstall everything to get all the viruses off. And then I'm going to have to pay for someone to fix my broken speaker!"

Hikaru suggested, "I brought a headset jack that will let two people listen, so we can still watch movies."

"Do you think that solves the problem?" Akira demanded.

Hikaru sagged. "No. I'm very sorry about your computer. It was a bad plan and I'm an idiot."

"All you did was the exact same thing that didn't work last time! Hikaru, the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting the results to be different."

Hikaru said weakly, "I thought you said that Ogata was showing him how to use computers."

"Ogata gets rid of all pop-ups before he lets my father touch the computer, directs him to the right website and starts a game, and stands next to him while he plays."

"But I can't be in the same room as him and play him as Sai at the same time."

"I've tried to play that role for you, Hikaru, but I just can't get my father interested in playing Net Go. He'd have to be hospitalized or in solitary confinement before he'd admit that playing Go through a computer might not be totally unnatural. Just give it up already."

"You say that I'm just repeating the same thing—but you don't like it when I get creative!"

"Hikaru, your idea of 'creative' involves trying to convince my Father that there is a World Go Championship online and the prize is a million US dollars."

"It would have worked on me," Hikaru complained.

"And then there was the yes-Go-pieces-and-hairspray-are-flammable incident which we agreed to never mention again."

"Which you mention once a month."

"So if, say, creative and stupid are interchangeable, then yes, I'd prefer you not get creative."

"Alright, I get it. No more plans that I don't run by you first."

Sai poked his head through the door. "Are you done fighting yet?"

"No," Akira said, at the same time Hikaru said, "Yes."

They looked at each other. Akira said, "I had one more point I wanted to bring up, actually. As I'm sure you know, yesterday Sai made a bad move and almost lost a game to a Belgian high-schooler."

Hikaru pointed at Sai, who was weeping on the floor and apologizing to the Hand of God for his brief infidelity to the game of Go. "Now look what you've done, you've set him off again. For the record, that time it wasn't my fault—Sai actually said the wrong square. Sure, I guess I might have noticed, but I don't find teaching games very interesting."

"My inbox was flooded with two thousand and seven messages from people around the world who wanted to know if I knew why Sai almost lost a game, if Sai was feeling well, if there was an imposter Sai, and if I wanted to make a statement to the media!"

"Okay, so now I know that I can't watch Yugioh while Sai plays because he finds it distracting. I'll stick to animes he doesn't care about."

"That's not the point, Hikaru."

"What is the point, then?"

Akira hesitated. He wasn't sure himself, except that he was angry at Hikaru and it wasn't just about having to cover for him in the Go world or another computer implosion.

When they were twelve, they had been best friends and Akira had known that Hikaru liked him and it was kind of exciting, but besides a few pecks on the lips that had been all. And now they were sixteen but their relationship hadn't changed, and that was a problem. Except Akira was the only one who seemed worried about this problem, so maybe Hikaru hadn't liked him that much after all, which was very angering since Hikaru had been the one to make Akira confused to begin with.

Akira said, "Basically, I want you to make this up to me."

"Let you play Sai?"

"I play Sai every week. I want us to go somewhere. I mean, somewhere better than where we normally go."

Akira looked oddly serious about this, so Hikaru gave it some serious thought. Where was the best place that Hikaru could think of? "Got it! Fuji-Q-Highland!"

"Fuji Q Highland?"

"It's an amusement park!"

"I did know that."

"Not just any amusement park, but the greatest in Tokyo that's not actually in Tokyo! It has a 4th dimension rollercoaster and the world's second largest haunted attraction!"

"Fourth dimension? What does that even mean, that it travels in time?"

"It means the cars don't just go back and forth on the track, they rotate around it! Look, I've wanted to go there forever. But it's expensive to buy tickets, and it also takes about two hours to get there from Tokyo so you need train tickets too. My parents won't buy amusement park tickets for me ever since this regrettable completely-not-my-fault incident at Tokyo Disneyland where Akari was almost beheaded."

"I don't think I've ever been to an amusement park before."

"Then you're going to love it! I'm pretty sure I have enough saved to buy my tickets, and you always have more money than me so you're set. Come on, please? It's going to be great!"

Akira couldn't help being swept along with Hikaru's enthusiasm. "Well, if you really think so…"

"I do! This is going to be the best date ever!"

Akira smiled back, resolving to look up rollercoaster accidents and specifically beheadings on the internet later.

As they walked to the train station, Sai commented, "Hikaru, I don't think you handled that very well."

"Handled what?" Hikaru asked.

"Exactly. Akira is justifiably upset with you, due to great personal inconvenience you have caused him."

"And I said that I would make it up to him."

"You invited Akira on a date to a place that you always wanted to go. Since you are supposed to be doing a favor for him, I am fairly sure that is a backwards way to do it."

"He said he wanted to go, didn't he? And he's going to love it! I've loved amusement parks ever since elementary school, which is the last time I went to one. Luckily Fuji Q Highland is a little outside of Tokyo so they haven't heard about the lifetime ban. I still don't understand why they didn't ban Akari, she was as much at fault as I was. Probably because she was a girl, and she was crying, and there was this really thin line of blood on her throat."

"Hikaru, I am trying to say that just because you want to go to the amusement park doesn't mean that Akira does."

"What would you know, Sai? You don't even know what an amusement park is!"

"I do know that Akira has helped us many times over the last two years, and I fear that we have not been as grateful as we could be."

Sai was very polite to Akira, and often thanked him for various things, so Hikaru suspected that "we" meant "you." And he was a tad irritated.

"Fine." Hikaru pulled out his cellphone and typed in: "Sai says I should say sorry because you've been doing a lot of work keeping my secret. No more attempts to make your father play Sai for a week, I promise."

Reading over Hikaru's shoulder, Sai squealed, "Hikaru, you can't do that!"

"What? You wanted me to do something Akira wants, right? He certainly made his feelings plain on that subject."

"But why do I have to be punished too!" Sai wailed.

"It was your idea..." Hikaru said innocently.

Normally a diversion tactic of that high level should have been more than enough to put off Sai, but the ghost was feeling persistent. "I was not done talking to you. I am concerned that Akira might feel neglected in your relationship."

Hikaru snorted. "As if you would know. Have you ever had a serious romantic relationship before, Sai?"

"Define 'serious.'"

"Someone more important to you than Go."

"That's not fair, Hikaru!"

"Can you think of anyone right now who you would be willing to date? Anyone at all?"

As Hikaru reached the entrance of the metro station and began to walk down, Sai ran through in his head the list of people whose existence he actually remembered (all of whom were talented Go players), weeding out those who were underage, elderly, married, seeing someone else, or extremely unattractive. In the end he really only had one name left. "Seiji Ogata?"

Hikaru fell straight down a flight of stairs.

Five minutes later, it was established that Hikaru was suffering from nothing but a bruised shinbone, and in his concern Sai had completely forgotten about everything from the previous conversation. Hikaru, however, hadn't.

Late at night, Hikaru tossed and turned in his bed, unable to sleep. Sai's innocent words kept ringing in his head. Seiji Ogata? Sai had a crush on Ogata?

And Ogata was already stalking Sai. What if it was mutual?

Hikaru sat bolt upright in his bed. "As God is my witness, this abomination will not come to pass!"

Hikaru was not in fact Christian, but he did have an extensive collection of American movies. He'd watched Gone With the Wind for the frilly dresses.

Attempt Number 208:

Luckily, Hikaru knew exactly how to distract Sai from Seiji Ogata.

Sai said, "Hikaru, I do not think that you ran this plan by Akira as you promised."

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "I can't run the plan by him because you made me promise not to try and set up a game with you and his father for a week."

"I did no such thing."

"And then you sat by my bed wailing for two nights until I gave in and said I didn't mean it."

"That, I did do," Sai admitted.

"And if I went to Akira, he would say that my plan is stupid."

"He would," Sai admitted again.

Given that Hikaru's plan consisted of a fake moustache, a top hat from his middle school magic kit, and an ill-fitted suit from his father's closet, Sai was forced to agree with imaginary-Akira: this was a very stupid plan.

Gently, the ghost hinted, "Do you remember the Western ball gown and the blond wig? The monk clothes? The hanfu and the fake Chinese accent? The Easter bunny costume? None of those worked."

"Yes, well, that was because Akari didn't find me a good enough disguise."

Sai scolded, "Hikaru, Akari told you that none of those disguises would work!"

Hikaru waved a hand. "I know that. I always blame Akari for anything that goes wrong in my life. She always blames me with her friends and parents. We have a mutual arrangement."

Sai said, "If I might be as bold as to offer my own suggestion, I think you should consider that if we used some of the floating images, we could play Touya Meijin without ever showing your face."

"Sai, for the last time, Yugioh is just an anime, and there is no way to play Go with holographs!"

"Are you sure you're not just too cheap to buy them?" Sai said with uncharacteristic suspicion.

Hikaru sighed gustily. "Look, Sai, I may be cheap, but if there was a way to play Go with holographic monsters I would spend every bit of my money to buy it. I swear on my promise to one day let you play Touya Meijin. Satisfied?"

The ghost nodded reluctantly.

Hikaru put on a very deep voice. "I vant to play Go with oo. Do you think that sounds like a vaguely foreign accent?"

This would never work, Sai knew. But then, chance to play Touya Meijin—Sai never passed up on one of those. Hikaru couldn't say he hadn't been warned.

It took two tries before Hikaru could manage to make it understood through his mangled accent that he wanted to play a game of Go. Actually, Sai wasn't sure if Hikaru ever did manage to make himself understood, but when he set the board down, Koyo Touya started laying stones on it.

Alas, they were only about twenty moves in when Koyo commented, "Hikaru, would you pass me that stone I dropped? It's by your foot."

Hikaru went pale. "I'm not Hikaru. I don't know what you're talking about. I have to go now." He bolted for the door.

Leaving Koyo staring at the board mournfully.

Why Akira's friend seemed to play so much better when dressed in in funny costumes, Koyo did not know. He only wished they could complete a game someday.

To Sai's credit, he never said "I told you so" after one of Hikaru's plans went south. No, he just whined incessantly about having his game interrupted until Hikaru agreed to play some Net Go just to shut him up.

They had fled Akira's house, and Mikaru's sister wasn't working at the net café that afternoon, so Hikaru was forced to spend his own precious money to buy computer access. Sai had better appreciate this.

Sai did appreciate it—he was bouncing up and down like a small gravity-defying child. Hikaru smiled—Sai was irrepressible when it came to Go. The ghost was examining the list of names of players online like it was the menu of an ice cream shop.

Sai pointed at the screen. "Someone is inviting me to play!"

Hikaru said, "Twenty-something people are trying to get you to play, as usual."

"No, look, someone we know."

Hikaru read the screen name—SeijiOgataIsNumberOne. Yes, there was little doubt who that was.

Hikaru pressed reject with a vindictive snap. "Not a chance in hell, glasses."

Sai wailed, "Hikaru, my game!"

"You wanted to play him?"

"Yes! I recognize almost everyone else on this list. I've never gotten a chance to play Ogata before."

"He wouldn't be worth playing," Hikaru reassured him.

Sai frowned. "Hikaru, I do not understand why you dislike Ogata so much."

"Well, there is the whole Find Sai Task Force."

"Many Go players want to find Sai. Akira also once wanted to unmask Sai, before he understood your reasons for secrecy. Yet you do not hate any of them."

"Ogata's the only one who brought my friends into it. Besides, I don't see why you like him."

"Well, I don't really know him that well, but from what I have seen he is a talented Go player who genuinely loves the game."

"You're being deceived, Sai! He has ulterior motives!"

"I have never communicated with Ogata, so I don't see how he could deceive me."

"Exactly! You don't know him well enough!"

Sai paused, floating, but no explanation seemed forthcoming for what Hikaru seemed to consider a great argument.

Hikaru continued, "There have got to be better people."

Sai nodded. "There are certainly better players. If I had to choose, then I would prefer to play Touya Meijin."

Hikaru spit-taked. "Not Akira's father! Anyone but him!"

"Or Kuwabara-"

"Kuwabara! He's ancient!"

Sai cocked his head. "So am I."

Hikaru mimed retching. Sai watched in puzzlement.

"However, even if there are others who have more experience, I would still be happy to play Go with Ogata, as I would Kuwabara and Touya."

"Sai, that's just—wait, you're talking about Go, aren't you?"

"Yes, we were talking about Go," Sai said patiently.

Hikaru sighed. "Oh, Sai, you're so innocent. Don't worry, I'm not letting that deviant Ogata come near you. Look, that Dutch guy you like to play is logged in. Want to play him and the Chinese 4-dan at the same time?"

Sai was never completely sure how much of Hikaru's incomprehensible behavior was because Sai did not understand the customs of the modern world, and how much was simply because Hikaru was incomprehensible.

Somewhere else, Ogata sat at his computer staring at the rejection notice, silently steaming in fury (and completely not having his feelings hurt or anything.)

So what was how they wanted to play, was it? Fine then. Ogata didn't need any friends. Operation Find Sai, second stage initiate.

Author's note: Yes, Sai's list of potential dates included both men and women. Rather than being heterosexual or homosexual, I see Sai as being more Go-sexual. When faced with an extremely attractive man and an extremely attractive woman, both madly in love with him, Sai would probably want to know who would win in a game of Go.