Hikaru's Life Lessons Number Five: Evil Overlords Can Be Recognized By Their Uncanny Mind-Enslaving Hypnotic Powers And Their Stupid Glasses

There were a few place in life that Hikaru never wanted to be. Standing between Akari and a chocolate cream puff, for instance. Akari loved cream puffs and Hikaru had almost lost a finger once.* Or being dropped out of an airplane without a parachute. (Hikaru sometimes had nightmares about that. So he was a little afraid of heights, what of it?) Bringing home a bad grade to his mother when she'd lost at poker night—normally his parents took his poor schoolwork in stride, but for some reason losing in poker always seemed to convince his mother that her son needed math skills. Another one was explaining to Sai why they had to stop playing Go in the middle of a game; Sai was more annoying than scary, but he wailed so loudly that he made the list.

But the number one place that Hikaru never wanted to be was stuck in an elevator alone with Seiji Ogata (aka creepy glasses guy.) He was seriously contemplating jumping out a window, except he was in an elevator so obviously there were no windows.

How had this happened? He had stayed a little late after his pro game because he was going over to Akira's house for dinner. Akira was late because he had an interview after his game; the media loved to snap photos of him and Hikaru couldn't blame them (he had a scrapbook of articles that Akira was never ever going to find out about.) Hikaru had an unusually long wait for the elevator and was contemplating the stairs when the door beeped open. Then they had stopped on the next floor down, and Ogata had gotten on before Hikaru could escape.

Huddled in the corner, Hikaru muttered under his breath, "He knew I would stay late because I always go over to Akira's house when his mother is making tempura. She makes great tempura. The reason why the elevator was so late must have been because he was pressing the button every time one came down, waiting for the one with me in it. And I'm sure he's thought to disable the emergency button. There's no escape."

Sai said, "Hikaru, I don't think Ogata is actually plotting against you. This fixation is getting unhealthy."

Ogata instantly proved Sai wrong by saying, "Hikaru, I was waiting to get you alone. We need to talk."

"About what?" Hikaru asked in the same voice as "Name, rank, and serial number."

"About Touya Meijin."

Hikaru wasn't expecting that. He barely stopped himself from saying, "Not Sai?"

Ogata continued, "Do you know how I finally got him to express an interest in Net Go? There's a player who currently lives in America who went to middle school with Koyo, who wanted to play him. He couldn't say no to an old friend. And then there were so many professionals from other countries who wanted a shot at the legend. But he still won't acknowledge anonymous players, I'm afraid. Maybe he's old-fashioned, maybe it's stubbornness, maybe he just can't respect what he sees as cowardice. Being unwilling to directly face an opponent."

Sai wailed, "I'm sorry! I want to play him directly! It's not my fault!"

Hikaru was used to ignoring Sai's outbursts by now, so he didn't react. He said, "You know, I'm pretty sure gloating and monologue-ing are no-nos on the evil overlord list."

"I will ignore that bit of banality as I often ignore your idiocy, Shindo. Instead I will skip straight to the point: the only person who is going to be able to convince Koyo Touya to play Sai online is me. And that's because I'm going to pretend that Sai is someone he knows. He'll realize the truth once he starts a game but he won't stop playing mid-match. Not if you manage to keep the game interesting, as I know Sai will. And feel free to try to steal my plan—you could never pull it off. You don't know Koyo well enough and you're a terrible liar."

"I am not," Hikaru said automatically.

"So, are you Sai's student?"

"Don't be stupid. I have no idea who Sai is."

"I rest my case."

Sai hinted, "I think he knows that you know who Sai is. I mean, who I is. Am."

Ogata said, "One offer for you, Shindo, or the game with Touya Meijin slips through your fingers forever. All I have to do is let one virus in, and his wife is banning him from the computer."

He paused, for drama. The bastard.

"Let me play Sai and I'll arrange the game with Touya Meijin."

"No way," Hikaru said.

Sai's wail of despair split his eardrums. Hikaru bent over double in nausea.

"That's a bit much of a reaction," Ogata said, amused.

"Let me up already," Hikaru groaned. "I get it, I get it. It's unpleasant but I know it has to be done. It was only a reflexive response, okay?" Hikaru straightened up and stopped talking to thin air. "Listen, I have no idea who Sai is and we have no connection whatsoever. But if I did know who he or she was, then you would have a deal."

"Don't you need to ask Sai first?" Ogata asked.

"No, I think I'm certain on this one." Hikaru waved a finger at Ogata. "But let me tell you one thing. You are going to be a perfect gentleman during this game. No funny moves."

For the first time, Ogata looked sincerely perplexed. "No funny moves?"

Hikaru made a gesture towards his eyeballs and back at Ogata. "I'm. Watching. You. Got that?"

With that, Hikaru hopped off the elevator as it dinged open, and made a fast run for the exit.

XXX

*This had been before Hikaru had learned to only tease Akari about things she didn't really care about, which would only get him exasperated but sweet-tempered scoldings. However, chocolate, her stupid sparkly shoes, and shoujo manga were all off limits unless he wanted to die the Death of a Thousand Cuts via hairpin.

Hikaru had only gotten a few steps before he heard footsteps running after him. He gulped and ran faster.

But his legs were too short (curse his parents' genetic material). He was barely out of the building when Ogata grabbed his arm.

Hikaru cowered. "Ifyoukillmeandhidethebodyyou 'llnevergetagamewithSai!"

Ogata frowned. "Shindo, you forgot to tell me when we were going to play."

"Right. Well, that was no excuse for ruining my dramatic exit." Hikaru thought for a second. "Hey, what do you say we have the game with Touya Meijin first, save you for dessert?"

"You're a riot, Shindo, by which I mean that you should be tear-gassed and then beaten with a policeman's baton."

"Fine, no need to get upset. I'll log in tomorrow, Friday, at 4:00 or so. I won't accept any invitations except from SeijiOgataIsNumberOne. Lame screen name, by the way."

Ogata glared. "What do you mean you'll log in? Shindo, do you think I'm stupid? I can tell your playing from Sai's, I assure you, and I won't offer again if you cheat me."

Hikaru froze like a rabbit in the headlights. "What did I say? I mean that I'll set up the game for Sai, that's all. Don't flip out. Besides, I don't know Sai and this is all hypothetical."

Ogata shook his head. "Shindo, how someone as dumb as you passed the professional exam will forever remain a mystery to me."

As he walked off, Hikaru mumbled. "That guy is completely an evil genius. Did you see the way he wormed that slip-up out of me?"

Sai said, "You shouldn't worry about it, Hikaru. When I was alive people used to tell me that they couldn't believe someone with no common sense could play a complex game like Go, and look where I ended up!"

Friday, 5:51 PM, Japan Standard Time:

Hikaru stared at the computer screen in shock and horror.

"Sai, I can't believe you let Seiji Ogata last more than an hour against you!"

"Hikaru, please tell him that was a very excellent game and I would like to play him some time. And tell him that he should challenge for another title soon."

"I mean, what about your reputation? Your mystique? And it's Seiji Ogata."

"I am aware of who my opponent was, Hikaru. Now please type for me."

Hikaru typed into the chat window, "Your playing is slightly better than your looks, glasses boy."

"Hikaru."

"Fine." Hikaru backspaced over the last message and wrote a grudging, "Good game."

"Now please find out when I can play Touya Meijin."

"It's good to see that despite this ridiculous infatuation of yours, your priorities aren't completely out of whack."

Hikaru typed in a rather pointed message about keeping promises, and stuck on a bit about how Ogata should in no way believe that Sai had taken longer to defeat him because he wasn't paying attention to the game. He hit send before Sai could figure out that this was sarcasm.

The response was, "Is that you, Shindo?"

Hikaru stared at the screen. "Damn. I knew he was an evil genius."

"Perhaps you were a little obvious. Which was unwise, given you want to hide your identity," Sai said. (Ogata was becoming a bad influence on him already!)

Hikaru typed in, "No habla nihonese."

The reply appeared quickly. "Cut the crap, Shindo. If Sai is an invalid as many believe, tell him I can recommend a better care provider. Now, I can arrange a game for you with Touya Meijin this Saturday at 6:00 AM. Accept the invitation from 'Koyo1415.' Is that acceptable?"

Hikaru made a face at the screen. "So early in the morning…he's probably doing this to get revenge on me by dragging me out of bed before sunrise. He knows I always oversleep. Evil!"

Sai suggested, "Perhaps if you accept the time, then Ogata will become convinced that you are not Shindo after all."

"Brilliant! You're a non-evil genius, Sai!" Hikaru quickly typed his reply.

Sai was getting good at this. He felt a little guilty, but then, this was his chance to play Touya Meijin.

It wasn't until Hikaru got home that he bothered to open his student planner to write down the date. Akari had brought him the planner after he'd missed a few too many meetings with her, and he was forced to grudgingly admit that it was very useful, when he remembered to use it.

When he looked at Saturday, his heart froze. There, with smiley faces all over the page, was "Meet Akira at Shinjuku train station to go to Fuji Q Highland!"

Hikaru had double-booked.

Whoops.

Hikaru could tell that Sai didn't realize. He didn't blame the ghost—he'd been waiting four years, maybe even a thousand years, to play Touya Meijin. Under such circumstances, he couldn't be expected to keep track of Hikaru's social life.

Hikaru knew that between the two, he would have to cancel the date. He saw Akira every day; Ogata's temperament was uncertain. Akira would give him another date; Ogata might not give him another game if he thought he'd been stood up—he already had what he wanted, Hikaru had nothing to bargain with. Sai would cry over Hikaru's bed every night if he missed his one shot at Touya Meijin. Akira himself would be furious if he found out that Hikaru had squandered this opportunity, because Akira knew how important this was to Sai.

But Akira would also know that it had been entirely Hikaru's fault for double-booking, seeing how he'd forgotten the date. Akira would also be less than pleased when he realized that the train and amusement park tickets were nonrefundable. Yes, Akira would understand, but he wouldn't be happy about it. Oh, and don't forget that Hikaru had promised separately both not to set up any games between Sai and Touya Meijin for at least a week, and promised permanently to run all plans for setting up a game by Akira first. Double whoops.

But there was a way—maybe—that he could make this work. There was no chance that Sai's game against Touya Meijin would last for under an hour. But Ogata had selected a time early in the morning, probably to spite Hikaru. And Hikaru had gotten tickets for a 10:00 AM train, because if he had to get up before noon on a weekend then he was at least going to sleep until noon on the train. So maybe, if luck was on his side, he would be able to make both.

He wouldn't rush Sai's game—wouldn't even tell Sai—but he could wait until the last moment to cancel.

And he didn't have to tell Akira anything unless it was obvious that he would miss the train. Sure, Akira would later find out Sai and his father had a game, but if Hikaru presented this as a fait accompli, Akira would be much less mad.

It was a plan. It was the kind of plan that Akari would tsk her tongue at, Akira would call stupid, and even Sai would gently suggest unlikeliness of, but it was a plan.

Author's Note: The Evil Overlord List that Hikaru references is real. Google it!