Same disclaimers apply …
A/N – Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing. I'm really glad people are enjoying this story, I really like how Alex can be vulnerable here and so in a way, they both can. Anyway, I think there are probably a few more chapters to come but not too many since I'm going to be quite busy with work over the next few weeks so I don't want to keep folks hanging.
As always, drop me a review if you can and let me know what you think!
Apartment of Alexandra Cabot
Later that night …
It's funny how I keep finding myself stood outside Alex's apartment building contemplating how it is we've ended up in a particular situation. It used to be that extra moment I needed to consider in what capacity I was 'calling round', friend, co-worker, something more? This time I'm here just as the sun's going down, casting a reddish hue of amber and gold across the city skyline, the angry colours mentally preparing me for what I think I'm about to find.
I can't imagine what irrational part of me thought that Alexandra Cabot - workaholic, control freak and supremely organised person - would take kindly to her daily routine of a morning run followed by work, court, more work, and eventually home for some light reading and perhaps a just little bit of … er … more work, being interrupted and thrown into a tailspin.
So I'm kicking myself for not being more sensitive, except at this present moment, trying to read Alex is a bit like try to follow a yo-yo going up and down with your eyes, one minute she's up and the next she's down. One minute she's begging me to give work the slip so she can fuck me on her expensive couch until I can no longer see straight and the next she's yelling at me down the phone telling me not to bother with dinner since I think she ruined all of our careers and will probably ruin our relationship eventually as well.
I've looked for the hidden meaning in all that, which suggests I might stand a chance of coming out of tonight unscathed, and surprisingly came up with nothing.
Yet I'm still here, at 7.30pm, met by a sympathetic glance from the doorman who by the looks of things may have also encountered the wrath of ADA Cabot today. There's an air of stillness to me being here, to the fact that despite her behaviour towards me today I haven't decided to run. I'm being brave, I came back and in the context of our short, yet lengthy relationship, it's the second or third time of me doing so.
So Alex Cabot can yell and scream or throw things if she chooses, turns out I'm not scared any more, I'm here to stay.
Our second phone call of the day started out quite different than our first one.
"Just what did you mean by that Liv?"
I paused before answering, unsure what it was about my earlier text - playfully thanking Alex for the fact Elliot and I would have to endure a meeting with Liz Donnelly and Arthur Branch – that warranted such a response. Really all they needed us for was to go over our 'side of the story' regarding the illegal search at the Cavanaugh's residence, which Elliot already drew a line under – stating emphatically that 'Cabot did what any one of us would have done', under the circumstances.
"I don't know what you're talking about?" I mumbled, faintly aware that despite being on my cell, Alex's voice was thundering out.
"Just a little reminder was it? Meant to not let me forget that I could have been responsible for us all losing our jobs, not just me? It's not bad enough I'm already feeling guilty about the cases left sitting on my desk 'not' being prosecuted because the SVU no longer has it's own ADA?"
"Alex …" I walked out of the squad room, seeking a bit of privacy in one of the unoccupied interview rooms as Elliot shot me a look of sympathetic understanding. "Alex …" I tried again. "Baby, I have 'no' idea where you got all that from but it certainly wasn't from me."
She sighed, weary and resigned like the weight of the world was back at rest upon her shoulders, driven by Sam Cavanaugh's misery and his mother's grief.
"I really hate this Liv." She mumbled. "It's only 3pm and I'm already tearing my hair out. I cleaned the apartment, did three loads of laundry and now I'm alphabetising my CD collection." She laughed a little maniacally at herself. "I think I need help!"
I chuckled. "Alex, sweetie, you just described an entire weekend of chores … maybe you need to slow down a little bit?"
She ruefully agreed. "Perhaps. I'm sorry."
I should have left it at that.
I should have told her it didn't matter and then simply allowed us to move forwards onto something else.
Instead, I opened my mouth and placed my oversized boot promptly in it. "Anyway, don't worry about it … the DA's office already assigned us someone else to cover your cases so things are still getting done around here without you, it's fine."
She went quiet, and I could have sworn a cartoon character ran in to Interview 2 and smacked me over the head with an inflatable bat, making imaginary birds circle round me in a dazed and confused state.
"Thanks a lot Liv."
"Alex …" I couldn't have backpedaled fast enough. "You know I didn't mean … what I mean is … of course we'd rather have you, it's just I thought …"
"You thought it would help me to know I'm so easily replaceable to you all, to you?"
"No."
She was just being ridiculous. Like the conversation the previous night in her apartment I could see it unfolding, it was like any other time we'd fight over warrants or which one of us had the victim's best interests most in our hearts. Seemed we could fight without probable cause, we just made up our own rules and ran with it.
Only these recent fights were different, somebody actually stood to get hurt now, and as much as I never wanted it to be Alex, I also didn't want it to be me.
"You're being unreasonable Alex …" I sighed, energy and lustre lacking from my voice. "We all miss you and we all wish you were here but I'm not going to apologise for being grateful they sent us someone to cover for you while you're off, you were completely right in what you said the cases 'do' still need to be prosecuted."
"Say it like you mean it Liv." She snapped back. "And I'm not 'off' – I'm suspended in case you forgot, a suspension I willingly took as *my* punishment to save all our asses."
"We never asked you to do that Alex." I pointed out, unwilling to let her be a martyr and fall on her own sword. "Elliot and I are big kids, we're perfectly capable of looking out for ourselves."
"Fine." She hissed. "Next time, I won't bother, you and your *partner* can easily get yourselves in to enough trouble without my help. And while we're at it – maybe you should not bother coming to dinner tonight either."
"Fine!" I shot back. Couldn't help it, the words just flew from my lips. Sometimes she makes me so infuriated I lose sight of why that is, because I actually care more for her than anyone, ever before.
"Fine!" She repeated, each time growing louder. "Good! Gives me time to finish organising my CD's."
I exhaled then out of sheer frustration, feeling the effect of her so easily pushing my buttons. So without thinking I said the one thing I knew would really rile her up. "Oh grow up Alex."
She yelled back at me before promptly slamming her phone shut. "Fuck you Liv!"
"Trouble in paradise?" Elliot asked, I suppose he'd been watching the tail end of our exchange through the two-way mirror.
I shrugged. "That may have just been the end of my shortest relationship to date."
He joined me in leaning against the table. "You know what I think Liv?"
He took my silence as permission to continue.
"When it comes to being in love with a woman, you gotta accept, right from the start that there'll be some things you'll never understand, but for some reason you won't care, because you love them anyway."
I chuckled. "Very insightful Dr Phil."
He shoved against me playfully. "Give her a break Liv, the Cavanaugh case nearly broke her, you know …" He paused, mentally doing the maths. "She's stuck it out here with us longer than most, there's got to have been a couple dozen cases she wanted to leave over before now and I'm sure there'll be at least a couple dozen more before she actually does."
The very idea of Alex deciding to leave SVU made my blood run cold and I shivered.
"It's quiet today." He mumbled. "Why don't you cash in an IOU from one of the many kid-things I've abandoned you for and cut out early, take Cabot some roses or something and kiss and make up, whatever it is you girls do."
He laughed at his own mock-chauvinism.
"I will." I said, suddenly feeling a lot better. "And if she ever decides to speak to me again I'm gonna tell her what you just said, and how *you* were the one who told me to cut her some slack."
"Aw … Liv!" He whined like a little boy, secretly hoping I would. "Ruin my reputation why don't you?"
So against my better judgement I'm here, whether or not I'll get as far as telling Alex it was Elliot's push that brought me here, I don't know. I decided against the roses though, if Alex still wants me then Alex gets me, just the way I am.
I watch the doorman ring up, getting the impression she didn't want to leave herself open to any surprises tonight. Then I trudge slowly towards the elevator, ignoring the 'all over each other' couple already waiting to get in, since I recognise them as Alex's neighbours from her floor.
The doors ping and the couple separate, I'm envious of the ease with which they're together, nothing about this thing between Alex and I feels easy anymore, or comfortable or secure – except that in that last second before the elevator doors fully open and there's no turning back I realise when I think of her, even when I'm mad at her, this feeling of warmth washes over me and I want more of it. Not something I've ever been familiar with before.
She's already stood waiting for me at the open door, leant against the frame with her blonde hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and her black framed glasses on her face with no make-up on. It makes her look younger, especially since she's sporting grey flannel pants with a maroon Harvard logo emblazoned on the left hip and a maroon Harvard t-shirt that rides a little high on her waist.
"You thinking of being a freshman again?" I quip. Hoping a classic Benson joke might ease the tension.
It almost works as well, a definite twitch suggesting a smile threatens to escape from her lips.
"I thought I told you not to bother coming?" She says coldly, as I approach her cautiously at the door.
Part of me longs to sweep her up in my arms and kiss her. Then there's a tiny part that longs to bite back with some equally chilly retort, commencing round 'x' of a battle neither one of us will win, but following on from which there's a small hope we might end up in bed having awesome make up sex now we've finally crossed that line.
"You did." I answer softly. "And I listened to what you said, and then I decided to disregard it as part of our first real fight as a couple."
Her icy stare melts a little.
"Come on Alex …" I gently push her. "Let me in?"
She obliges and stands aside. "You know you're lucky I took into account you're even more stubborn than I am." She whispers after me, and as I push back the door to her apartment I understand why.
The dining table bears every option of Chinese food and by the smell of it, only recently delivered. An open bottle of red wine and two glasses sit beside a blue porcelain vase filled with fragrant pink and white lilies.
"Roses are such a cliché way of saying I'm sorry." She says, wrapping her arms around my waist. "Chinese food's more my style!"
"Alex …" There's a sentence building inside my throat, it tastes bitter because every time I've ever heard it used it only ever carried a negative connotation. "Alex …" She slides her hands softly across my belly, and for a second I'm tempted to let her use sex to get us past this difficult moment. "We need to talk?"
She sighs against my hair. "Really Liv? Giving me the brush off so soon?"
I turn in her embrace and find that the blue eyes I expect to see are almost grey and filled with tears.
"Alex?"
She hides herself in the neck of my jacket, and I hear her inhale deeply, filling her lungs with my scent.
"I've never not had something to occupy my time Liv." She mumbles, the occasional word almost lost against the thundering pulse in my neck.
My bravery falters, I'm not sure I can cobble together enough strength for both of us right now.
"Alex …"
"It's ok Liv." She pulls away and stares intently into my eyes. "I don't expect you to understand, but what I do, that's who I am, without it I feel like I'm not Alex Cabot anymore …"
I chuckle, my arms slipping lower down her waist to investigate the soft flannel of her sweatpants and the tempting strip of bare skin above.
"I think I might understand that more than you think." I whisper softly.
She grins. "Are you telling me that Detective Olivia Benson is also married to the job?"
"Maybe."
Answering that question is somewhat complicated by the fact that she is a part of that job and without her, I'm sure I'd feel the same way about turning up to work there day after day.
"You'll get through this, Alex." I promise. "We'll get through this."
She leans forward and places a soft, warm kiss against my lips, holding herself back from deepening it.
I'm falling in love with her, I can't help myself, despite fighting to remain focused and holding back from allowing myself to get caught up in the idea that she needs me now and needs me more because her pride is wounded and battered.
I love this side of her, open and vulnerable and dare I say it … soft?
Her hands slip further inside my jacket, working up my sides and around the front to slide the leather from my shoulders as she kisses me again, leaving me tingling and aching for more.
She slides her tongue along the length of my lower lip as my jacket finally falls to the floor. I give in, sighing into her, as her mouth lavishes mine - exploring and capturing me to reassure herself that I'm hers.
A soft sigh escapes my lips and I feel her grin, taking pleasure in knowing that she does that to me, reducing me to monosyllabic sounds with just one immeasurable kiss.
"You should know, I'm going to be a pain in the ass until this next month is over." She states softly, words punctuated by kisses, which cloud my judgement and leave me wondering if there's some innocuous spell cast by her lips that could potentially lead me to commit murder? Amongst other things.
"You should know, I'm probably going to be a pain in your ass for a lot longer than that!" I chuckle, my eyes twinkling with mischief.
She roars her head back in laughter. "God I hope so."
Something unspoken passes between us, silently cementing an understanding that occasional outbursts of ridiculousness wont shake the foundations of what we're building.
I kiss her, firm and fast, and with my fingers exploring the dimples of her lower back I walk her backwards towards the table.
"Thank you for the flowers." I rasp.
Suddenly the memory of the feel of her beneath my fingers ignites something that threatens to leave the Chinese food untouched for several hours.
"Elliot told me I should bring you flowers, I'm sorry I didn't."
"I don't care …"
Her voice sounds husky with increasing need and I watch in awe as a rising blush spreads from her neck, where I'm kissing her, and down the v neckline of her t-shirt.
"I don't need flowers Liv, only you."
Her body trembles in my arms, sometimes I can't believe she lets me hold her like this, a normally fierce being – she surrenders herself for me and it makes her beautiful.
"I …" The words falter in my throat, threatening to make me look like a coward. "Alex … I …"
She tilts her head and smiles, for a second I think she's going to laugh at me and my inability, then I remember that she knows me better than I know myself and so she knows exactly what I'm trying to say.
"Liv …"
Her fingers trace my eyebrows, my cheeks, and my lips before softly capturing them between her own.
"… if you didn't love me, you wouldn't be here."
TBC …
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