"Hey, Trish. You know you're my best friend, right?" I ask, trying to sound casual but it comes out high-pitched. Trish sits down on the couch.
"What do you want?" she asks narrowing her eyes at me.
"I want you to help me with Austin and Hannah," I tell her simply. Her eyes light up.
"Ooh! Okay! First, we need a blowtorch—"
"Trish, we're not using fire," I say as if I'm talking to a child. She pouts.
"Fine," she mutters. "Ooh, how about—?"
"We're not drowning Hannah either," I say. She huffs.
"Fine... How about we just talk it out with her?" she asks. We look at each other for a second then we burst out laughing. I give her a high five.
"That was a good one," I say. After our laughter dies down, my face turns serious. "I really expected you to have a plan though."
"I did," she reminds me. "You just ruled out my good plans. Um, we could... we could... Oh, forget this!" She stands up and leaves the practice room and I'm right on her heels. I wonder what she's going to do. She walks to Austin's house. No one seems to be home though. I hesitantly follow her inside. She walks straight up to Austin's room. She just leans against the wall across from Austin's door.
"What are you waiting for?" she asks me. I didn't know she wanted me to open the door. I rest my hand on the doorknob then I hear something.
"Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!" It's Hannah. Her voice is more high pitched than it usually is. I hear Austin groan. My heart drops into my shoes and my hand slides off the doorknob.
"Let's do this later," I whisper to Trish.
"No, we're doing this now," she says. She puts her hand on the doorknob and I yank it off.
"No, Trish!" I whisper-yell.
"Oh!" Hannah exclaims once again.
"Why not?" she asks when I push her a step back from the door.
"They're... uh... busy," I say. I feel tears forming in my eyes.
"What do you mean?" she asks. She notices the tears. "Oh..." she says as she slowly understands. The moans and groans suddenly stop. I put my ear to the door.
"I can't do this," I hear Austin say quietly. "I feel bad for her. I know she's upset about this." He knows me too well...
"Just keep going. She'll leave," Hannah says at the same volume. I hear him cross the room and I begin to walk back down the hall. The door opens.
"Ally," Austin says. I swallow and turn around. He's fully clothed. Well, he got dressed quickly. "We weren't really..." he trails off.
"Sure," I say.
"Really, Als. We weren't. We saw you coming and Hannah said we should just to make you mad. I didn't want to yet and so I suggested we just pretend. But I just had a feeling you were crying so..." he trails off again.
"You... you had a feeling I was crying?" I ask. "What do you mean?" He shrugs.
"I'm... not... I'm not really... sure," he says. "I just had a feeling in my stomach and it wasn't good." I give him a slight smile and he smiles back. "Are you forgiving me?" The smile drops from my face.
"I don't know," I say quietly. "Should I?" The words echoed in my own mind.
Should I...? Should I...?
I honestly didn't know if I should. I guess the decision is kind of up to Austin right now. It's the moment of truth. Yes... or no. It was as if Austin and I were the only two in the hallway as we stared into each others' eyes.
"I don't know," he says too. He shakes his head and frowns. "I mean, I guess you shouldn't. Look at everything I've done to you. Some of the things I've done... they shouldn't be forgiven." I sigh.
"Good choice," I mutter. "I guess I won't forgive you then." I turn my back on him and walk down the stairs.
"We could have been fucking!" Hannah calls down the stairs. I make a rude hand gesture up the stairs without even looking back up at them. I hear Trish behind me.
Although I really wanted to forgive him, Austin was right. Some of the things he's done are too deep. The fights never really hurt me. What did hurt me was the breakup. The way he just walked out without looking back. I don't care if he was upset for the whole next year. He shouldn't have walked out. We should have talked it out. Maybe we'd still be together today.
You know what they say: the first cut is the deepest.
The breakup still stings my heart at times, to be honest. The other metaphorical wounds he'd made don't hurt me as much as that did. The mere thought of it makes me want to cry. I really wanted him to say yes. That's what I was counting on. But he didn't. When he said "I guess you shouldn't," I mean, what was that?
A smart person would have said yes... but a thoughtful person would have said what he did. They'd put themselves in my shoes. Think about how I feel. That's what Austin did. He put himself in my shoes. He knew that some of the things he's done were unforgivable. I guess we just weren't meant to be together. He'd probably just hide me anyway.
That's another thing that bothers me. If he really loved me, like he said he did countless times, we would be public about our relationship. But he's perfectly fine with being with Hannah. A thought occurs to me and I stop walking, halfway to my house. What if he was embarrassed to be seen with me? I guess he was fine being friends because we were just that. Friends. And then he decided to see what it was like to date a dork and I seemed to fit the bill. Anger flares up inside of me and I continue home, Trish right behind me.
Maybe that's the real reason why he walked out. Maybe he really didn't feel anything and was glad to be rid of me. Maybe I really was a weight finally lifted from his shoulders. Maybe I was just his plaything. Maybe he just wanted to toy with my heart. Maybe he only stayed in his house because he felt sorry for me.
I notice that there's something that all of these words have in common: Maybe. They're just possibilities that I've made up in my own head. They're just figments of my imagination. Maybe it's just the opposite of what I've thought. There I go again. I'm overthinking this. Way too much. But even though they may just be possibilities, they are possibilities. Which means that they're possible...
I walk into my house, stopping at the door. I turn around and look at Trish who's smiling sadly. She wants to talk about this, I know. But I just can't right now. I've already thought about this too much. The last thing I need right now is to talk about it. I swallow and smile back.
"We'll talk later," I say. "I would tell you to think up a good revenge plan to get Austin back but... he's told me not to forgive him so I guess I just won't. I guess I'll see you tomorrow. Goodbye, Trish." I close the door slowly and trudge up the stairs at the same speed. What happened just took the life out of me, I guess. No worries, though. I'll be fine again by tomorrow...
The next day, I find out that I was wrong. I wake up in a grumpy mood and I'm snapping at everyone all day. Including my dad. He didn't like it very much but he didn't punish me or anything. He just took on a sad expression. Straight after my coffee, I went straight to work.
Maybe cleaning the instruments will take my stress away. As soon as I get there, I make sure to leave the sign switched to closed. I get the cleaning supplies and set to work on the large tuba downstairs. It isn't long that I hear a knock on the Sonic Boom door. I turn around, expecting to see Austin or Trish but to my surprise, it isn't either of them.
It's Nelson. I walk over to the doors and open one of them.
"Hello, Ally," he says with a bright smile on his face, a small lisp in his words. I smile back with a bit less enthusiasm. It slowly fades away as I speak though.
"Hi, Nelson. I can't give you your lesson today. I'm just... not in the mood," I tell him, summing it up. He notices my sad expression and frowns.
"Are you okay? You look sad," he says, his tone mirroring the way I feel. I sigh and try to brighten up a bit.
"Actually, I'm fine. Come on inside and we'll start your piano lesson," I say, leading him over to the grand piano. We sit down and begin his lesson. I get further and further away from the lesson the deeper into it we get. The sound of distorted piano sounds reach my ears and I look down.
"How was that?" he asks. I nod.
"Very good," I say flatly. He turns a little on the bench.
"Are you sure you're fine? You aren't acting like it," he tells me sadly.
"It's nothing you need to worry about, Nelson," I say.
"Maybe if you tell me about it, you'll feel better. I might not understand some of the things you say but I still think it'll make you feel better," he tells me with a small smile. He's so adorable that I can't resist doing what he says. I summarize the whole story about what's happened over the past few weeks.
"And the whole problem is that I can't get over Austin. I still love him," I finish.
"You love Austin?" he asks. I nod. "With all your heart?" he asks. I nod again. Tears well up in his eyes. "That means you don't have any room in your heart for me! You'll never love me!" The tears flow down his cheeks as he runs out of the store. I stand up.
"Wait, Nelson!" I call but he's already long gone. I sigh and sit back down. I seem to drive everyone away. Austin doesn't want me in his life. Hannah never liked me just for the fact that I dated Austin. I haven't spoken to Dez in a while either. I've gotten Nelson to believe I don't love him. I mean, I do love him but in a little-brother/big-sister way. I've even pushed my dad out of my personal life. The only friend who remains is Trish.
I guess she really will be here through thick and thin. That's what best friends are for, right? She's proven herself true then. I really want to talk to her about this but I don't know the right words to say. When I summed it up for Nelson, I changed a few things.
I left out the parts about where I thought Austin and Hannah were... yeah, exactly how bad the breakup was and the pain I felt, all of our fights (I just said we had a lot of fights; I didn't describe any of them.) What I'm trying to say is that I left out a lot of key points that I would need to tell Trish. I hear another knock on the door and I'm hoping it's Trish.
I look up and see Austin. I walk to the door and for a moment, I actually think about opening it. Then I point to the left, telling him to keep walking. He hangs his head and walks off. This was his decision. He can't just go back and change it.
It's like a test. After you put down an answer and turn it in the test, you can't change the answer once it's already been graded. Austin answered no and his grade is to never be forgiven. He can't change it to yes. It's already been decided. But soon, I'd give in; I already knew it. That's just the kind of person I am. I may forgive but I never forget.
And all of the cuts I don't forget, which is every single one of them, lemon juice is squeezed into them every time I talk to the person. The person who has the knife, ready to plunge it deep into my skin once more. The knife holder is usually Austin, of course. He just holds it so well that he has to stab someone with it or he'll go crazy. I grab my book and silently thank God for reminding me to bring it.
The first cut is the deepest...
I remember the last sentence I'd thought and continue it with something relevant: He'll go crazy with the help of his "beloved" girlfriend. And with the help of this "beloved" girlfriend, he'll forget all about me. I know he will. I can feel it in my bones. That reminds me of what he'd said when he walked out of his room. When him and Hannah were pretending to have sex so that I would leave.
"But I just had a feeling you were crying... … I just had a feeling in my stomach when I thought about it and I didn't like it..."
What exactly is that supposed to mean? How can you know when someone is crying? To do that, you'd have to have serious physical and/or emotional connection... with... them... I roll that over in my mind. Then, finally, I just push it out. You would be able to know I was crying by just thinking about the situation.
It's obvious that I love him anyway. So if the boy you loved was losing their virginity to some other girl, wouldn't you cry too? It's just the legitimate thing to do. Or maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm that crazy ex-girlfriend that no one likes. Yep, that's me.
I'm the creepy ex-girlfriend that wants her ex-boyfriend back.
Sorry that it's late tonight. I was trying to make it really long but I just couldn't. I'm certain that this story doesn't like me too well. I mean, I think they're pretty good chapters... right? I just can't make them very long. Sorry about that too.
I think it's longer than the other ones though. It's about 2740 words so I'm pretty sure that it's the longest chapter so far. There may be longer ones in the future. Not sure yet.
I'll try to update again tomorrow but who knows if I will or not? I'm not sure if I can yet.
By the way, I'm sorry about my sour mood today. It's just the way I was writing out Ally's feelings. For it to be descriptive, I have to make myself imagine exactly how the character feels. I'll probably be sad for the next hour or so. But I wouldn't really be sad, it would just be me putting myself in Ally's shoes.
Oh, and thanks to the people who think that I'd be good enough to write my own book. You guys make me feel really special :) Well, review, my lovelies. 3
LoVe, KeNzIe