Disclaimer: I don't own, I rent.

As always: lyrics – flashbacks – present day.

Chapter Five
"Breathe"
October 2012

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
Cause none of us thought it was going to end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Walking away from her was the hardest thing I had ever done. I always knew the day would come eventually. I knew it when I fell in love with Jane. I knew it when I told he how I felt. I knew it on our first date. And I knew it when she proposed.

And still, I wouldn't change any of our time together.

No matter what happens, where we go from here, if I ever even see her again, I still wouldn't trade what we had. Sure, we could have gone on being friends for the rest of their lives, but then we would have missed out on two years of the best memories I have ever made.

I try my best not to regret the choices I've made. Especially the ones that led to me having to walk away from Jane. But what's done is done, so what good will it do?

I never thought I would be that girl. The one who drinks too much and makes a decision that affects the course of the rest of her life. But I am.

Sometimes I would forget. I could spend the day in Jane's arms doing nothing in particular and she would make me forget all about my past, my mistakes. She could make me forget about everything except her, no one and nothing else existed.

I miss that.

Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie
It's the kind of ending you don't really want to see
Cause it's tragedy and it will only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

It had been a long time since I had slept through the night. Not many nights after I left her behind, the nightmares set in. It was different every night, but it always ended the same way.

It always started off happy. Most were simple, everyday moments. The kind you would overlook most days, the moments where we just sat and watched a movie, or we made dinner together or that time she took me ice skating. But those were the moments that made me happiest.

But they always ended the same.

They ended with Jane in danger. Jane being kidnapped. Jane being killed. I almost cry just thinking about it. They are the kind of nightmares that shake you to your core, when you wake up sweating and screaming, then lay awake for hours, unable to get them off your mind.

They came most nights now. I would be incredibly happy, then he started to invade my happy, perfect life with Jane. He worked his way into my thoughts, into my life and he took her from me. He always took her.

The nightmares only proved that I did the right thing by leaving Jane behind.

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I knew like the back of my hand

I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I could change so many things, that my life didn't have to turn out this way. But being alone was the only way to keep everyone else safe. Because I'm not safe.

Every day I wish that he didn't have this control over my life. I should be able to love whom I want and be with whom I want without worrying about him finding out. But I do. And now I have to live without Jane. I feel the tears threatening to fall from my eyes. Maybe one day I will be able to think about her without wanting to curl up in a ball in bed with a pint of ice cream.

The thought of what Jane would say if she saw me eating ice cream was almost enough to make me laugh.

But this is who I am now. Reduced to a teenage cliché, crying over losing the love of my life watching depressing chick flicks and eating junk food. Jane would have never believed it.

Sometimes I wonder if life without her is even worth it.

She was the only one who had ever truly loved me for who I am. The only one who wasn't using me or wasn't with me just for my looks or my status. Jane loved me for me.

And she was the only one who I ever really loved. Sure, I had thought I was in love with Ian. Or even with Garrett. But that was before I knew what love really was. Before Jane showed me what love really was.

And she was so different from my usual type.

And by usual, you mean not a criminal, right?

I couldn't help sighing to myself. Finding out that Garrett was a murderer was bad enough. Then Ian too. Not to mention Richard. I was starting to think I would never fall for anyone without a rap sheet. Then Jane happened.

Jane made me forget about everyone in my past. Everyone except Richard, anyway, because he was always there, in the back of my mind, tainting every crevice of my life.

And I can't breathe without you
But I have to breathe without you

But I have to

There are still days when I can't make it out of bed. Today was one of those days. I hear the phone ringing, but I can't be bothered to cross the room to retrieve it from the charger. The phone didn't ring again, but a few moments later I heard the familiar ping announcing that I had a voicemail. Ignoring my curiosity, I threw the blankets back over my head and willed myself to fall asleep again.

A few hours later, the sunlight streaming in through the windows brought me out of my dream. For once, there was no nightmare. Just happy times with Jane and this time, there was no bitter ending.

"Though waking up was more like a nightmare this time."

I drug myself out of bed and into the shower, turning the hot water as far up as it would go, I took comfort in the heat as it hit my back. I didn't move until I felt the water begin to cool, I sighed and quickly washed my hair before the water became ice cold.

As I did every time I had one of these days, I threw on Jane's old BPD sweatshirt and didn't even bother brushing my hair. Shuffling down the hall, I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and a couple aspirin from the cabinet. It was going to be a long day.

Suddenly I remembered the phone call from earlier this morning and went back to my room to listen to the voicemail. Not recognizing the number, I figured it was something to do with work, even though I told my secretary this morning that I wouldn't be in today.

"Hello, Doctor Isles, I am so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but this morning a man was found murdered in central park. We believe him to be your husband. I am calling to ask you to please come down to the police station to identify him as soon as possible. Sorry again to have to be the one to let you know."

My heart stopped. He was…dead? Maybe it was a mistake. People made mistakes all the time. He couldn't really be dead, could he? Only one way to find out, I thought, and grabbed my purse before heading down to the station.

"That's him. That's Richard."

He really was dead. I couldn't help but feel the smallest ray of hope. Maybe things would change now. He no longer had any power over me. He was dead.

Sure, it was probably wrong to be happy about someone dying, but after the hell he put me through? It couldn't be all that wrong. I wouldn't go so far as to say that he deserved it. Did anyone deserve that? No, definitely not, no matter how horrible they were.

But maybe now that I didn't have to worry about him showing up uninvited, maybe Jane and I could have our chance to be together. To get married. To have the future with her that I always wanted.

"If she will take you back," I muttered under my breath.

And why would she? I broke her heart. I left her without any explanation after she gave me everything. Why would she risk putting herself through that again?

I couldn't help but think about that day. The day I would never forget, all because of the night I would never remember.

When I woke up, the smell of alcohol still filled the air and it felt like it was suffocating me. Or maybe that was the arm that was slung across waist. Whose arm is that anyway?

I squinted at the bright sunlight streaming in through the window as I struggled to make sense of my surroundings. A hotel room? But not my hotel room. My hotel room was much nicer than this one, I'm sure of it. So whose hotel room is this?

I made my way to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face trying to remember if I had ever felt quite this hung-over. I glanced up at my reflection and began choking on the air around me.

"Why is there a ring on my finger? On my LEFT HAND."

Oh God. This could not be happening. I did not get married. I did not get married. I did not get married.

I crept back into the room and got a look at the man lying in the bed. He was attractive, sure. But it was not anyone who looked the least bit familiar.

Oh. My. God. I married a stranger.

"Hey babe, coming back to bed?"

I hadn't even noticed he had woken up. No, I was certainly not coming back to bed. Without a word, I got dressed and left the room.

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
And nothing we say is going to save us from the fallout

After I left she called me. She called me probably a hundred times. Never once did I pick up. I saved every message though, just to hear her voice.

"Maura, please pick up. Please. I just want to talk to you. Please. I don't understand this. We were happy, weren't we? I thought we were. I was happy. I'm sorry if I pushed you. I'm sorry if it was too soon or you weren't ready. We don't have to get married. We can just leave things the way they were, it's fine. Just please come back."

"I miss you. I miss you a lot. Every second of everyday of the rest of my life, I'm going to be missing you. Can you just please come home?"

"Did you just not love me? You said you did. And you said you couldn't lie. So I never thought to not believe you. But maybe you just didn't love me enough to be with me."

"I didn't mean that, baby. I know you loved me. I know you wouldn't lie to me. I just don't understand why you left. And I miss you. Please come home."

There were tons more. A few times I almost called her back. Especially when she asked if I ever really loved her. Of course I did! I still do. I will love her until my last breath. Always.

It's 2am, feeling like I just lost a friend
I hope you know it's not easy, easy for me

I just want her to be happy, no matter how bad it makes me feel.

I'm sorry

A/N: I hope y'all liked it! So we are finally learning a bit more about Maura's secret, the reason she left Jane. The whole truth won't come out quite yet, but it will in the next few chapters. We will also be learning more about that ring on Jane's finger, don't think I've forgotten about that. Please review and let me know what you think!