Disclaimer: I don't own, I rent.

As always: lyrics – flashbacks – present day.

A/N: I hope you don't hate Maura too much after this chapter.

Chapter Eight
"Last Kiss"
January 2011

I still remember that look on your face

Lit through the darkness at 1:58

The words that you whispered were just ours to know

You told me you loved me, so why did you go away?

I settled back against the pillow out of breath but more satisfied than I'd ever felt. Maura fell onto my chest and wrapped her arms around me. Instinctively, I pulled her in closer and ran my fingers through her blonde curls. The woman always looked gorgeous, but this was my favorite way to see her, stripped down, both literally and figuratively, to nothing more than the core of her being, nothing to distract them, nothing to get in the way, just the two of them lying together feeling more connected than any two had ever felt before.

"I love you so much." I whispered softly, placing a kiss on her forehead.

"Jane, you have no idea how much I love you," she started. She paused for several minutes and I thought she was done speaking until I heard her again, her silent tears evident in her voice.

"My life would be so empty without you. You make everything better. You make everything have a purpose. You are my purpose."

In the faint moonlight, I could see the tears rolling down her cheeks and I lifted her chin to meet mine, kissing each of her tears before finally placing one on her lips.

"Shh, Maur, it's okay. I'm here; I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to worry. You don't have to be alone anymore."

Though I was trying to console her, it seemed like that only made her crying increase. I wish I knew how to fix it, but this was one situation I had never found myself in before. Maura was the first woman I had ever been with, and men, at least the ones I had dated, just didn't cry like that.

I did the only thing I could think of and just held her as tight as I could, still playing with her hair. Eventually her tears dried and her breathing returned to normal. Just as I thought she had finally fallen asleep, I heard a faint, "I love you, Jane."

I thought of that night often. Especially now as I felt my hope of ever feeling that happy again faded with each passing day. I still don't understand how she could just leave me like that.

It became quite obvious after five days of unreturned phone calls and text messages and no sight of her at work, that Maura wasn't coming back. She really was leaving. She was leaving her job, her home, her friends, her life. Me. She was leaving me.

Frost told me today that he overheard her telling one of the other M.E.'s that she had accepted a job with the NYPD. New York City. Only four hours away, but it felt more like four light-years. She didn't even tell me herself, so she obviously didn't want me to know. Meaning she didn't want me to follow her.

How could she just walk away so easily? I am falling apart and she's probably just excited about all the shopping she's going to get to do when she gets there.

Did she ever even care about me?

Maybe it was all an act. But why would she do that? She had to have at least cared a little, right?

The beat of your heart

It jumps through your shirt

I can still feel your arms

It was the day after Maura left for New York. I only know this because she had stopped by Homicide to say goodbye to everyone but me yesterday morning, and only because she knew that I was off yesterday. After Korsak called me and let me know, I sat staring at the door all day long, half of me waiting for her to come to my door and tell me she made a mistake, part of me wishing I could drive the twenty minutes to her house and beg her to stay.

But I didn't.

What's that saying? If you love someone, let them free, and if they come back, they're yours?

I knew I had to set her free. I didn't want to. It was killing me, but I knew I couldn't force her to stay. Maura has a mind of her own and if she wanted to stay, she would stay.

If I was enough for her, she would stay.

But she didn't.

Did that mean I'm not enough?

But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is

I don't know how to be something you miss

On the third day after Maura left, I managed to make it out of bed. Ma kept calling every couple hours, all of which I had ignored so far, and luckily she didn't decide to use her emergency key to come and check on me. All I wanted to do was lay in bed alone and cry. Having Ma here would definitely not help. I was not ready to start to move on yet.

Moving on meant she wasn't coming back.

And she had to come back.

But I had gone far too long without a shower, so I forced myself into the bathroom, stripped down and stepped inside. The warm water felt way too good as it ran down my back. The last time I had taken a shower in here, it was with her.

As soon as that thought hit me, so did the tears. After a few minutes, I couldn't tell what were tears and what was water. I hurried to wash my hair and got out as fast as I could, dried off quickly and threw my hair into a bun. Today certainly wasn't a day to care about my appearance.

I grabbed the first sports bra and underwear I could find, and then threw some running shorts on. As I was searching for a tank top to add, my eyes hit the sweatshirt in the corner. Maura had left it here a few weeks ago. She had been sick for a few days, unable to leave the house but was dying to get some fresh air. I promised her she could get outside, but only to come over here, then it was back to bed.

The change of scenery did her mind some good and she was feeling much better the next day. I remember thinking that I had never seen her in a hoodie before and she said she only ever wore this one when she was sick, that something about it comforted her.

I walked over to the sweatshirt and picked it up. I ran my fingers across the faded 'BCU' on the front remembering the story Maura had told me about the only sweatshirt she owned.

Apparently at her school there had been a tradition of going to a party wearing a sweatshirt from whatever college you had chosen. Though Maura had never been one for going to parties, at least when she was younger, this was one tradition she got excited about and she proudly showed up to that party with her BCU hoodie on.

Thinking I could use a little comfort, I pulled it over my head and instantly felt like I was drowning in Maura's scent. It had almost gone from her pillow, I had been laying on it every night since she left, but this was still heavy in the vanilla perfume the doctor wore everyday.

As I flopped into the bed and pulled the blankets up over my head, a new set of tears released themselves from my eyes and I wondered if she missed me as much as I missed her.

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

Part of me wishes I had known it would be the last time I would kiss her. I would have made it last longer. Hell, I would have never stopped. I remember it vividly, though, I'm sure I always would.

"Marry me, Maura."

"I…um…what?"

"Marry me."

She lifted her head off my chest to look at me and I captured her lips with mine trying to make her understand how much she means to me.

"Jane…"

"Maura. It's a simple question. I had it all planned out, you know? I've been thinking about it for weeks, had this whole big speech planned, but then I was just laying here staring at you and I thought, this is the perfect moment. This is exactly how I want to spend the rest of my life, just me and you, well, you know, maybe one day not just me and you. If you would like that, I mean. I think it would be nice to have a little mini-you running around here. Or a mini-me, whatever you want. I just… I'm sorry. I'm rambling. I just wanted you to know how much I love you, and I want to be with you forever. So marry me. Marry me, Maura."

I knew I was saying too much, but her silence was scaring me. Maybe it wasn't the right time? We had only been together two years, but that's kind of a long time, if you think about it! And I've known I wanted to marry her for more than half that time, so really, I waited a long time.

But maybe she's not ready for this? She is a little anti-commitment. But I thought we were different, I thought she would be willing to do this for us. Maybe I was wrong. Oh God, I hope I didn't just mess all this up. Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.

"Jane, I…I can't. I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I really do. I love you. You know I love you more than anything, but I just can't. I'm sorry, I have to go."

I didn't feel anything. I felt totally and completely numb, like I wasn't even in my body, but watching some horrible horror movie.

Maybe this was a nightmare. Maybe I'm not even awake. Surely that is the case. Any minute now I will wake up to Maura holding me, whispering in my ear. Yes, that was certainly what was going to happen.

"What?" I managed to whisper.

"Jane, I'm leaving. I got a job offer. I'm going to take it. I'm moving."

"What?" I repeated, tears already filling my eyes. "You're…what?"

I looked at her expectantly, sure this was some sort of cruel joke, but no explaination came. She sat there in a stony silence looking anywhere but in my eyes.

"I don't understand. I thought we were…I thought you were…happy. I…" I trailed off, unsure of what to say. My entire world had just been turned upside down, I had no idea where to go from here.

Without another word, she got off the couch, put on her jacket and opened the front door.

"I'm sorry, Jane."

I wish I would have known. I wish I would have known I would never see her again, I would never touch her again, I would never kiss her or hold her or make love to her ever again. But I didn't know and all I want to do is get that back.

All I want is to get her back.

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe

And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are

Hope it's nice where you are

Six months have passed since the worst day of my life. For the first month, I avoided the morgue like the plague. I still did, most days, but every once in a while I would walk down and find Susie, just to ask if she had heard from Maura recently.

The two had never exactly been friends, but I know the two emailed quite regularly since Maura had left. At first Susie had been reluctant to share the updates from her former boss, but once she realized I genuinely just wanted to know if she was doing alright, if she was happy and fitting in well at NYPD, she was more free with the information.

According to her, Maura only ever talked about work, never about her personal life and she was enjoying working there quite a bit. She said it wasn't all that different than being here, just different people.

I took that to mean it was better because I wasn't there.

Maybe she never loved me after all.

And I hope the sun shines, and it's a beautiful day

And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed

You can plan for a change in weather and time

But I never planned on you changing your mind

It has been a year since Maura left Boston for New York and not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about her. Some days when I'm at work, deep in concentration at my desk, someone will walk down the hall wearing heels and the sound will make my heart start to race. For just a moment, I have a brief ray of hope, but the hope is always gone as soon as it arrives when the blonde doesn't walk through the door.

I wonder if it will always be this way. If I will never be able to listen to the sound of another woman wearing heels without my heart feeling like it's breaking into a million pieces. Hopefully not.

Maybe it's time to move on. Go on a date. Meet some new people.

I've already met the love of my life and she's 200 miles away. But did that mean I should be alone forever? She had obviously moved on, she is obviously not coming back, shouldn't I move on too?

And who knows, maybe I will find someone better suited for me after all.

But deep down, I knew the truth. Everyone else would always be second best to Maura Isles.

Your name, forever the name on my lips

A/N: I hope I captured Jane's feelings the way I hoped to, I just wanted to show that fine line between loving someone and wanting to be with them and hating them for leaving you. But this chapter even made me sad. I think it's getting close to time for that happy ending, how about you guys? In the next chapter, Maura remembers how she felt the first time she met Jane. Please don't forget to review, it makes my day!