Disclaimer: I don't own, I rent.

As always: lyrics – flashbacks – present day.

Chapter Ten
"Haunted"
January 2012

You and I walk a fragile line; I have known it all this time

But I never thought I'd live to see it break

It's getting dark and it's all too quiet

And I can't trust anything now

After Maura left, I took the next two weeks off work. Luckily for me, I had plenty of vacation time saved up since I never bothered to use any, and Cavanaugh was pretty accommodating once he had learned what happened between Maura and me.

I spent most of the first week in bed. I cried more tears than I would have thought humanly possible, everything reminded me of her; her scent seemed to be in every crevice of my apartment. Every place I looked was somewhere we had kissed or she had told me she loved me or we had made love. Every step I took I was being haunted by her memory.

A week after she left, I realized I needed to get away. Being so near to her memory wasn't helping at all, so I got in my car and just started to drive. I was almost all the way to New York before I realized where I was going. I stopped the car at a rest area and ran my hands through my hair.

What was I doing?

It's not like I could even find her in this city. There were far too many people, far too many apartments, far too many precincts. Sure, I could call all of them until I found the one she worked for, but what good would that do?

She didn't want to see me. She made that perfectly clear.

I pulled out of the rest stop and kept driving until I reached Atlantic City. I booked a room for the week then wandered down to the beach and sat in the sand.

I watched as families walked along the beach, they all seemed so happy, the husband, the wife, the 2.5 kids. They probably had perfect houses with perfect yards and perfect white picket fences.

They were the things that used to make me roll my eyes, now it was the one thing I wanted more than anything.

I sat there until I couldn't take the happy vacationing families anymore. I got up and began walking back into the hotel, careful to shake off all the sand first. I was going to head back to my room, I knew it wouldn't be long before the crying started again and I really didn't want to do that in public.

Before I could make it to the elevators, however, I passed the hotel bar and decided a beer wouldn't hurt. I walked in and sat down at a stool at the end of the bar. Being four in the afternoon, the place wasn't too crowded, just a few guys at a bachelor party and a couple other lonely travelers like me.

When the bartender approached, I quickly ordered my favorite beer and took a long drink when he sat the bottle down in front of me. Sighing, I rested my head in my hands and willed the tears to stay away.

"You wanna talk about it?" he asked me.

"Not much to say. I proposed; she walked away."

"I'm sorry to hear that. You loved her?"

"More than anything."

He nodded and began walking away. A few moments later he returned and sat another beer down in front of her. "This one's on me."

I muttered thanks and pulled out my phone. Calling her for what felt like the hundredth time, I sighed again when I heard it go straight to voicemail.

"Maura, I…" I started, but I wasn't sure what I was going to say. I hadn't really had anything to talk about, I just really wanted to hear her voice. "I just really miss you."

It was a somewhat lame finish to the call, but I could see where this night was going and I'm sure it wouldn't be the last time I called her today.

C'mon, c'mon, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to deal with Maura leaving if she had actually given me some sort of explanation as to why she was leaving. But she didn't.

Now I was left to wonder every single day if it was because of something I did or if there was something else going on. But if it were something else, surely she would have told me, right? We told each other everything. I knew more about Maura than I did any other human on this earth and I trusted her. I trusted her with my secrets, my fears, hell, I trusted her with my life.

Certainly she trusted me too.

Which always led me back to thinking that she must have left because she didn't really love me after all. Even though this still made no sense to me, she was the one who initiated our relationship, she told me every single day how much she loved me and when she wasn't telling me, she was showing me. It didn't seem like this could be the case either, but then what option was I left with?

None of it made sense to me.

I keep hoping I will wake from this nightmare one day and that all of it will have been a dream and she will still be here, in my arms, fast asleep next to me.

But I still haven't woken up.

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't go back, I'm haunted

Other days, I wonder what it would have been like if we had never dated at all. Would she still be here? Would we still be best friends?

Would we still be having lunch everyday and going to yoga and running marathons and having movie nights and going to the Dirty Robber?

I hope so.

But would I really trade all of that? Would I really go back and make the decision to not be with her? To never realize that she was my soul mate?

I don't think I would.

Even though this heartbreak was unimaginable, even though it was worse than anything I had ever felt, I would never trade a single moment I spent in her arms.

Stood there, watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said to you

"Jane, I'm leaving. I got a job offer. I'm going to take it. I'm moving."

"What?" I repeated, tears already filling my eyes. "You're…what?"

I looked at her expectantly, sure this was some sort of cruel joke, but no explanation came. She sat there in a stony silence looking anywhere but in my eyes.

"I don't understand. I thought we were…I thought you were…happy. I…" I trailed off, unsure of what to say. My entire world had just been turned upside down; I had no idea where to go from here.

Without another word, she got off the couch, put on her jacket and opened the front door.

"I'm sorry, Jane."

I sat there on the couch for what felt like hours after she left, staring at the door, certain she would come bursting back through at any moment. My entire body felt numb. I felt like I couldn't move, like I was an empty shell who no longer had a soul.

This must be what heartbreak feels like. Not the heartbreak you feel when your crush doesn't like you back or your high school boyfriend dumps you after a few weeks.

This was real heartbreak.

The kind of heartbreak you felt when you lost your soul mate, when the person who is literally your other half, the one who was made for you, who completes you in every way, leaves you.

That is true heartbreak.

But strangely, my heart didn't feel broken.

I didn't feel anything at all.

I just felt empty.

I felt dead inside.

He would try and take away my pain

And he just might make me smile

But the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead

His name was Mark. Mark Isis. The similarity to a certain blonde's name was not lost on me, when he introduced himself and asked me to dinner I had to literally stop myself from rolling my eyes at the irony. But he was nice enough, so I said yes.

What's the worst that could happen?

He turned out to be an okay guy. My heart didn't race like it did for Maura, he didn't make me melt with a single look or have me picking out wedding dresses after the first date like she did, but he made me laugh and he was pleasant to talk to.

Ma loved him. He was a doctor.

Of course he was.

There was nothing wrong with him. In fact, most people would consider him quite the perfect man. I really was happy enough with him. Happier than without him, I guess.

Even if I hated him for all his similarities to Maura, it was also what I loved most about him.

So when he proposed after six months, I saw no reason to say no.

Maura wasn't coming back, and he was a great guy. He deserved to be happy, and if, for whatever reason, that happened to be me, who was I to deny him that?

I'm holding my breath, won't see you again
Something keeps me holding onto nothing

In the back of my mind, I still had that sliver of hope that she would come back to me one day. Even now, nearly two years later, engaged to someone else, I just wanted to see her one more time.

I didn't just lose the love of my life that day; I lost my best friend. Even before we were dating, Maura was the most important person in my life. We did everything together and now there was this huge void that just couldn't be filled.

Frankie tried his best. He took me out for a beer as much as I allowed him to, he came over the second I asked, he was the best brother I could have asked for, but some days, it still wasn't enough. I still missed her and eventually I realized that was something I would likely live with for the rest of my life.

Not a day would go by that I wouldn't be wishing I could see her face.

Never thought I'd live to see it break

A/N: I can't even tell you how excited I am about the next chapter, guys. It's the one that actually inspired this entire story and I've been so ridiculously eager to finally write it and share it with all of you. I won't tell you what it's about, but I will tell you it takes place on Jane's wedding day, and if you know Taylor Swift, you might know which song it was inspired by. Anyway, I hope you guys liked this one, please take a few seconds to review, it really does make my day!