I want to thank everyone for being patient. I know it took a while longer than expected to update, but here it is. I had a few things to work out on my other story. Sorry about that, but if you could still review; it helps me figure out what to do next… :]
P.S thanks for being so enthusiastic about the story.
Santana couldn't for the life of her figure out what was wrong with her girlfriend. Every time she asked, the blonde would say 'I don't wanna talk about it' or 'I'm fine. Nothing's wrong', but Santana knew Brittany better than that.
"Hey Britt." Santana's said softly as she played with blonde strands of hair.
"Yes." Brittany replied with hints of sleep in her voice, while her head rose and fell with Santana's chest.
"You know I love you right?" the blonde stiffened. Silence filled the room, only the faint sound of breathing could be heard. "Babe?"
"Santana, I really don't want to talk about this. I told you I'm fine."
"Did I do something? If I did I'm sorry, but I can't stop doing it if you don't tell me what I'm doing wrong."
Small shapes where being drawn into Santana's chest. "You haven't done anything wrong, it's just…" Brittany closed her eyes tight, she hated this. "I don't want you thinking that this has anything to do with you."
The brunette tightens her grip around her girlfriend and continued to stroke her hair. "Britt, if it has to do with you, it has to do with me. You've been pushing me away and I'm afraid I'm losing you. Tell me what's making you so sad, so I can fix it."
Brittany cuddled further in to the brunette, softly choking on the tears that rolled down her cheek, as Santana continued, "Lately I feel like… like you… might not love me any…"
Lifting her head, Brittany quickly looked into the sad eyes of her girlfriend, and both girls adjusted themselves to lie on their sides next to each other. The moonlight that came through Santana's bedroom windowhits her face illuminating the streams that stained her face. "Don't. Please don't say that." She said barely above a whisper. The blonde's chest filled with air, and let it out. "There's something I need to tell you, but I need you to let me tell you without interrupting me. If I stop, I don't think I could continue." With a nod, Brittany took another deep breath, and closed her eyes.
"When I was younger I would always get made fun of for not being as smart as the other kids. It was really hard to deal with so I went to talk to an adult I trusted. I sat on his lap and told him about my problems, and he would…"
In the brief silence, warm hands wrapped around hers. Opening her eyes she saw Santana's weak smile and an encouraging nod. Interlaced hands lie peacefully between the girls. Closing her eyes and bowing her head, she continued, "He would uhh… rub my legs and other places." The trembling in Brittany's voice was making it hard for her to speak. She wiped her tears and took another breathe, detaching herself emotionally from this situation, almost out of habit. "Sometimes other adults would be around to hear my screams, but would pass it off as me playing, and if they did come to see what was going on it was too late." The grip on her hands tightened. "I tried to get others to see what was going on, but no one ever seemed to notice. Eventually I started acting out, getting aggressive whenever someone touched me. I remember feeling dirty and unsafe all the time. I never knew exactly what was happing, just that it made uncomfortable."
Even though Brittany's eyes were closed, and her body still. Santana's were wide open as her body shook. Her teeth were clenched, and her eyebrows furrowed. Tiny beads of sweat made their way to the surface of her skin, heat radiating off of it. "The man that did this to me told me lies that I believed, and sometimes I still do." She said bluntly. The lack of emotion in her voice only pissed Santana off more.
"It got to the point that it happened so often, I got use to it. I would cry, and then forget about it until the next time." The thought of someone hurting Brittany repeatedly forced the brunette to cringe. She fixed her lips to say something. So many thoughts ran through her head that she couldn't choose one to start with, so she said nothing.
"Then in high school I would sleep with just about anyone, because I got to choose who was touching me. It gave me something I lost so long ago. Control. I would feel so disgusted with myself afterwards that sometimes I'd throw up, just to get rid of the feeling." At this point Santana was conflicted, she wanted to yell, she wanted to cry, she wanted Brittany to continue, but she also wanted her to stop. The fire was building inside her, and she was about to blow.
"But then I met you." Santana's features softened and her shaking decelerated, as Brittany opened her eyes. They were soft and innocent as usual. The brunette silently thanked God that the man that took so much from Brittany didn't take that. Her body temperature cooled and past thoughts escaped her due to the dramatic change in atmosphere. "There were so many times I felt like I was nothing, but you made me feel like I could do anything." Emotion flooded through the blondes words. "It never really hit me how much this has affected me until you came along. I knew that you were going to be a special person in my life, the minute I saw you." Shy smiles where exchanged as the moved closer together.
"All I wanted was to get to know you, to show you that I cared. The only problem was that the way I learned how to show loved suddenly felt wrong." Brittany's eyes softened more than Santana had ever seen.
"Santana, you taught me what real love was supposed to feel like. You saved me." The space separating the two was quickly closed. Soft sobs where let out into blonde hair. "I love you Santana. I always have and I always will. Never question it.
Many tears were shed that night, once again exhausting the girls. Even though Brittany was sleepy she couldn't bring herself to fall asleep. Multiple thoughts ran through her mind. One thought was more prominent than the rest. 'I'm still lying to her.' She looked at the slumbering brunette whose head now laid on her chest. She stroked her pale fingers across a tanned cheek and whispers, "I wish I could tell you everything you want to know, but I can't. It's not that I don't trust you, if anything I don't trust myself." Taking a deep breath she sorts out her thoughts, "I know you Santana, and I know how you'd react if I told you the whole truth. If you knew who did this." Unshed tears appear in her eyes. "I feel like I'm lying to you, and it's killing me. You're the love of my life and I want to keep you safe. So for now the less you know, the better." Brittany places a chaste kiss on her girlfriend's forehead before she closes her eyes and fell victim to sleep. Minutes later her breaths were slow and deep, just like the ones Santana pretended to have while Brittany spoke.