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Mari, you know the deal, Thank You & I Love You.
Please read A/N at the end.
Chapter 11: Hidden Sacrifice
"The heart has reasons that reason does not understand."
Jacques Benigne. ~
I slip out of bed silently, so that I don't wake him up, but not before kissing his lips softly. He stirs a little and continues sleeping. I go to his closet, and search for an old shirt of his to put it on. I feel my sore muscles protesting but it's just a sweet reminder from last night's activities.
I still can't believe Edward took me to W&S for our date. Leave it to him to be the only person who could actually surprise me in a good way. He's been doing that since we met. Every time he looks at me, every time he talks to me, every time he touches me, surprises me in the most amazing way. Edward is the guy little girls picture when they think of prince charming. He is handsome, sweet, smart, funny, among other things little girls are not mature enough to dream about.
I would lie if I said that sex doesn't play a big part in our relationship, because it does. I've been trying to stop lying to myself. My shrink Siobhan and I have been working on that. She says I like to come up with false statements about what goes on in my life, that I am full of excuses.
Whatever. I used to ignore her for the most part, until she reminded me I was the one who went to her. I guess she got tired of me talking down on her when she hit too close to home.
I hate talking to her about Edward. He's my little secret. Not because what we do is unethical, but because he is the only good thing I've ever had. However, whenever she tried to talk about my family, I picked other subjects to deflect. Unfortunately for me, Edward ended up being one of those topics. That is the only reason she knows about him. Otherwise he would still be in the dark.
Siobhan says the reason I did that was because talking about him, acknowledging as part of my life would've made him too real and that it would've brought to life some feelings of unworthiness or something. I don't know, I assume she's right. For all the money I've been paying her, she must know what she's talking about.
Okay, so maybe I don't give her a lot of credit. I am better after she's been helping me. I filed for the divorce and haven't backed out on it, despite James reluctance to sign the papers. I've been opening myself up a little, to Edward of course. I even mentioned Edward's name to Rosalie, the one person I suppose I could say is my friend. I am kind of nicer at work…or not. The point is, I am better and I guess I feel different. I no longer feel like everybody is whispering behind my back or that I have to act a certain way to be approved. I am finding myself, my true self, even though I am still not convinced that I won't end up an addict like my mom and I still have some big control issues.
Maybe that's why I have the need to wake up before Edward, to maintain some sort of power after he's seen me in my most vulnerable state. Being with him is such a conflicting thing for me. He makes me feel protected and cherished but at the same time he scares me. He scares me because I have given him the power to hurt me. And I know that one day, he will. When he realizes that he can do better than me. When he knocks me down of the pedestal he's placed me, he will leave me. He will choose some stupid blonde girl with the perfect family and the sweet personality of a saint.
Just the thought of it makes me livid, and that feeling right there, is what scares me the most. The feeling of impotence, the feeling of not wanting that day to come, the feeling of wanting to kill with my bare hands an imaginary face; that's what terrifies me. The fact that I feel so strongly about him that just the thought of losing him makes me panic, that just the thought of leaving him before he leaves me paralyzes me. I am owned by him, by his attentiveness, by the way he looks at me, by the softness of his voice, by everything he is.
I walk to the kitchen and see some of our clothes lying around on the floor. I pick a scrap of my top and shiver just remembering the way Edward ripped it off my body. I still don't know how he manages to be a different person each time we sleep together. Just last night he went from crazy lust driven man, to sensual lover, to tender boyfriend. The only thing that doesn't change is the way he always puts my needs first. I smile at the memory of his touch.
I snap out of my thoughts to make some coffee. While I wait for it, I fetch my cell phone to check some emails and messages. When the coffee is ready, I pour myself a full mug. Before I get the chance to enjoy it, someone rings the doorbell. At first I am at a lost about what to do, I've never had to answer Edward's door before.
I walk into the hallway to check for sounds that may indicate that Edward is awake, but I hear none. I walk to the living room and stand in the middle of it, thinking of what to do when the person outside rings the doorbell again. I start to walk to the door, realizing it must have a peephole but I stop dead in my tracks when the doorknob twists, followed by the clinking of keys.
The door opens to reveal a large looking man with short curly hair. He looks confused at first but then his eyes settle on me and my clothing and his eyes widen. I don't know who he is, but he must be really close to Edward to own a spare key to his apartment. After a few seconds of killing silence, the shock on his face passes and turns into a knowing smirk.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know Eddy had company." He says with his smirk still in place. It reminds me a bit of Edward when he gets cocky with me.
"Eddy?" I can't help but ask.
"Oh he didn't tell you about me. I'm his brother Emmett, who are you?" He asks with a weird look on his face. I start feeling really embarrassed now that I know who he is. The first person of Edward's family I get to meet and it is in such a disheveled state.
"I am Isabella…Swan." I hesitate before adding my last name, not sure if it's okay to introduce myself as a single woman, when technically I'm not. I don't get to ponder this a lot because the sound of Emmett's voice startles me.
"You are Isabella? The married chick? I can't believe this." He says with repulsion in his tone. "I thought Edward was smarter than this. What did you do to him huh?" He continues.
I am stunned into silence that he knows about me. I thought Edward wouldn't say anything to anyone. I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not sure how I feel about the fact that this person is demanding answers from me that are none of his business. No one is supposed to meddle in my personal things, especially with Edward.
"Do you not talk now? I want to know, what did you do to my brother?" Emmett's voice startles me. I feel my temper flaring at his tone.
"I am not sure what you mean." I say through gritted teeth.
He snorts. "My brother, good, kind, honest brother Edward, would've never slept with a married woman, much less engaged in an affair, so I'm asking you, what did you do to him?"
I cringe at his words, because I know he's right. I was the one who dragged Edward along to my fucked up life. That day I met him, despite my bitchy attitude, I was attracted to him. Then I saw him again in that parking lot, and when he snapped at me, I saw so much fire in his eyes. So much passion, it ignited something within me. The way he looked at me, made me feel alive for the first time in so long. I had to have him.
That night, Edward woke me up from the numb life I was living. I couldn't just let it be a one night stand. I very much wanted to be with him 24/7 or at least till my craving for him stopped. But I wanted more, I followed my constant desire to be with him and at some point, I let him fall in love with me. I didn't play fair, I know. I used my seduction skills and Edward's obvious attraction to me to manipulate him. I took advantage of his kindness to keep him from leaving me.
I am a monster.
I don't deserve him.
My feelings are constricting inside of me, twisting my heart in a painful way. I am one breath away from having yet another meltdown. I look up to see the hateful stare of Edward's brother and do the only thing I know.
"This is none of your business." I say with a firm voice. The shock is evident on his face after he listens to my words. I'm sure he didn't expect the defensiveness in my tone.
"None of my business? Are you freaking kidding me?" he yells at me. "That is my little brother you're talking about. Of course it is my business. He is not supposed to sleep around with a married woman. He is not supposed to lie to his family for a year. It is my business to get some sense into him." He finishes with exasperation.
If I were to ponder this, if I were rational enough to be the bigger person, I could probably acknowledge that he is right. However my sessions with Siobhan don't work miracles and I sure as hell won't be admitting that to this guy.
"Your little brother is a grown man. He can take care of himself. And you can stay the hell out of this." I talk back, instantly aware of the threat he represents to my relationship with Edward. I need Emmett to back off. I need him to not get between Edward and me.
He shakes his head and laughs without humor before addressing me. "Obviously he can't because he ended up with you. I thought I could give you the benefit of the doubt, but after meeting you, you just confirmed what I already knew. You are nothing but a cold hearted bitch!"
"Don't you dare-" I start but Emmett cuts me off.
"What? Call you a bitch? You've earned that name yourself by dragging my brother into your shameful ways." He tells me. I am dying inside with a mix of feelings that I can't understand.
"What's going on here?" The sound of Edward's voice startles me as he enters the room. He looks perfect wearing nothing but some black sweat pants and his sex hair. I look at him inconspicuously before lowering my eyes to the ground. I can feel his green eyes searching mine. I can feel the electric current that flows from his body to mine whenever we are in the same room.
"Well?" He demands with authority. "Is either one of you going to tell me? Emmett, what are you doing here?" He directs his attention to his brother, giving up on getting mine.
Edward and his brother argue while I stand there like an idiot. I can hear the strain in Edward's voice. I cringe at the look of disgust that Emmett wears when he looks at me. I know Edward is dying inside as he asks his brother to leave, choosing me instead of his own blood. The feelings of unworthiness make themselves known inside me. I wish I could ask Edward not to do this. I wish I could tell him that he doesn't need to do this, that he should be with someone else. However, there's some sick satisfaction underneath it all about the fact that he cares enough. Most importantly, I feel a spark of hope surging inside me. I allow myself to believe that maybe, Edward won't leave me eventually.
Maybe, we can be together forever.
Emmett leaves, not able to accept me as part of his brother's life and Edward pretty much goes into some kind of trance. He stays still for what seems like an eternity, staring the door.
"Edward?" I say softly, almost afraid to speak. I can't even imagine how awful he must be feeling. When he doesn't respond, I take a tentative step toward him. I don't want to startle him; he looks so out of it. "Edward?" I try again, stepping in front of him carefully. He looks down at me with vacant eyes. "I'm so sorry." I say, because I am. I am sorry that this is how our morning after is beginning. I am sorry that our relationship has to be tainted by my unfaithfulness to my husband. I am sorry for so many things. My apology stirs something in him because I see the life return to his eyes.
"What? What are you sorry for Bella?" He asks like I've lost my mind. I don't know what is the meaning behind his words, so I search his eyes for a moment. He truly seems not to understand what I mean. Crazy man.
I start pacing in front of him because I have so many things to say. Sometimes I wish Edward would see me like the monster I am. How can he not see I am responsible for his constant pain? "What do you mean why am I sorry, Edward? Your brother just left because he can't accept our relationship. This is my entire fault. I should've said something. He was wrong, you know? I don't have a husband waiting for me, not anymore." I finish referring to some stupid comment Emmett made during his argument with Edward. He stops my pacing by grabbing my shoulders. He looks into my eyes, and I could almost die by the peace his stare brings me. "Stop, Bella. This isn't your fault." I shake my head before he continues, trying to get him to shut up. I don't want to hear his kind words. They will only cut me deeper.
Edward takes my head in his hands, ending the movement before talking again. "He is my brother. He is my family. He is not supposed to bail on me. He is supposed to respect my decisions. He is supposed to have my back." He tells me with conviction, but I notice the anguish in his voice. He really believes what he's saying and his brother disappointed him. My poor prince charming, he's hurting. My heart breaks at the pain in his eyes.
I've never given much thought to what Edward is sacrificing for me. His brother may be only a small fragment of what he can lose because of me. "What about your parents?" I ask in a low voice, a little panicked. "What will they say?" He sigh and starts pacing, tugging at his hair. He does it for a while and I know he must be locked inside his head like he usually does. I give him time to do this, not interrupting him. After a few minutes pass, he stands still facing away from me, and answers me. "Hopefully they'll remember what they've preached." He says. I don't say anything because I don't want to tell him that they won't. I can almost assure him that they will hate my guts for corrupting their child.
"I think they'd like you, if they'd met you." I hear Edward say softly. I don't think he meant for me to hear this but suddenly that's the answer. I should meet his parents. Not because they will like me as he says, but because it will mean something to Edward. At least, I think so. Edward is definitely the kind of guy who would bring his girlfriend to his parents. He wouldn't postpone it like most guys do. Edward is not most guys.
"Then maybe I should meet them." I say before I can regret this. He spins around with shock written all over his face.
I know this is masochistic of me, setting myself up for failure like this. However, this is a sacrifice I'm willing to make for Edward. Siobhan is always on and on about sacrifices and selfless decisions. This decision will make her day.
And that's when it hits me. I am not doing this for Siobhan to be happy with me. I am not doing this to feel good about myself. This is entirely because of Edward. Because I want him to feel better. I know a hundred ways to make him feel better using just my body, but this is not about sex. It's about showing him what he means to me. It's about demonstrating with actions that I've changed, that I am willing to change.
"Would you do that?"He asks me slowly. But I already caught the glimpse of excitement in his eyes. I know his mind is working a mile a minute. I just watch him, in all his naked chest glory while I wait for him to talk.
Of course I'd do that. I want to roll my eyes at him, but I stop myself from doing so, knowing he wouldn't appreciate it much. "I guess so. I mean, it'd be better if you went to this lunch thing tomorrow and resolve everything, right? I could be there." I tell him, shrugging my shoulders. I need to make this look as if it is of no importance, or I won't do it. Emmett said something about a lunch tomorrow. I figured the sooner the better, right?
Edward keeps watching me with a weird expression on his face. I try to stay unmoving, and unaffected by his stare. The truth is, whenever he tries to figure me out, I get all fidgety and nervous inside. I think he can see right through me and my bullshit. I think he knows my real deal but he's just too much of a gentleman to call me on it.
"Bella," He says walking over to me and looking into my eyes. He is serious when he asks me "Are you sure about this?" I sigh mentally. In no way I am sure about this thing, but I won't say that to Edward. Instead, I answer him with a firm "yes" and a final nod. He swallows hard, nodding back at me, the decision made in his head.
"Okay, then. I'll pick you up tomorrow at noon." He announces.
"Um, maybe I should meet you here and drive behind you." He looks confused so I explain further. "You know, in case something goes wrong, and I…have to leave…early." I add uncertainly, not sure if I should pass some of my pessimism onto him. His eyes harden for a minute, a plethora of emotions swirling in them. He blinks a few times and then they are soft and untroubled again. He takes my hands and strokes them reverently. I feel warm inside from that simple gesture.
"No, if something goes wrong, we will leave together…so we'll drive together. You can meet me here, though." He says kissing each hand and each wrist. I smile a little before nodding and kissing his jaw. After that, we ordered some food and took a shower together. We took turns washing each other off, distracting ourselves from the events of this morning.
I leave with the promise of coming back the next day at 11:30 am.
By the time I get to my place, I am feeling edgy and anxious again. The "Edward Effect" can only last for so long. I take off my clothes and search some purple shorts and a black t-shirt before calling Siobhan.
"Hello?" She answers after the second ring.
"Hi, Siobhan."
"Oh hello Isabella, how are you today?" She says politely. I roll my eyes.
"Oh I am doing just great. I called you on a Saturday afternoon just to let you know how great I am." I tell her sarcastically. Stupid questions get on my nerve. I hear her chuckle trough the phone, always unaffected.
"I take it the date didn't go too well." She says returning to her professional, calm voice. Of course she would think this is about my date with Edward. I wasted my two past sessions talking about it with her. I was nervous. She found it cute. Whatever.
"Actually, the date was amazing. Edward is…this is not about that." I stop myself from getting all teenage girl on her and go straight to the point. "I am meeting Edward's parents…tomorrow."
"Oh! That's quite a big step. How do you feel about that?" There she goes with the stupid questions again. How the hell does she think I feel about it? I refrain from snapping at her so that she doesn't lecture me on my temper.
"Not…good. I mean, yes. I mean…I'm…" I stutter like a moron.
"You're scared." She tells me, spot on. "It's understandable. It is a big step, maybe a bigger step than you're ready to face. You can ask Edward to give you some time. This is a bit rushed." She says. I shake my head even when she can't see.
"This wasn't Edward's idea. It was mine." I correct her. She is surprised to say the least. I explain the events that lead to this while she listens quietly without interfering. I can't keep the hate out of my voice when I recall Emmett's words to me, but I also feel ashamed from not keeping my cool this morning.
"I must say Isabella that it sounds like quite a lot for you to handle. You seem dead set on going through with your decision about tomorrow, so I won't ask you to reconsider. I can only advice you to be calm and not get into an altercation with Edward's parents. No matter what. I know it will be hard for you, but you must restrain yourself from saying things you'll regret in the end. Even if they attack you, you need to remain collected and polite at all times."
I listen intently to her words knowing that she is right. I can't allow myself to get into a fight with Edward's parents. I need to be the bigger person tomorrow, for Edward's sake. Even if that means staying quiet while they call me names.
"Isabella, although I am proud of you for making this decision, I need to tell you there's no need for that. You can meet Edward's parents when you feel ready. No one will judge you for setting your own pace. I understand Edward is very important to you but I repeat, you can cancel this lunch and meet them other day." She tells me before I can say anything.
"I know I can meet them in another time but I think this will be…good for me, you know? Face my fears and all that crap you're always talking about." Honestly, I will never be ready to meet Edward's parents or friends or colleagues, because the shady start of our relationship will always be present in both of our minds. I just want to get this over with and it will mean something to Edward.
Despite Siobhan's advice to postpone tomorrow's lunch I let her go with the promise to behave myself and calling her if I need to. The rest of the night goes by uneventful, filled with some catching up on work, texts from Rosalie and a good night call from Edward.
I eat some salad for dinner; pick out my outfit for tomorrow and go to sleep.
The next day I wake up to the sound of my alarm. I set it up for nine o'clock just so that I don't oversleep. I eat some light breakfast and get dress in a light cream colored dress than ends in my knees. It screams class so I assume it'd be a nice choice. I pair it up with high heels shoes and a heavy cream coat. Seattle's weather makes it impossible to go out without one.
I arrive at Edward's place exactly at eleven thirty. I let myself in with the key Edward gave me a few months ago. I am met by a maniac looking Edward, standing in his hallway. He is wearing just some dress pants and an unbuttoned shirt. No socks or shoes on his feet, his hair is crazier than ever and his eyes are wide when he sees me.
"Bella!" He screams at me. "You're here! Why are you here?" He asks me and I start to worry that maybe he has finally gone crazy for all the thinking he does.
"What do you mean why am I here Edward? It's eleven thirty. I promised I'd be here on time…Hi." I tell him kissing his lips softly. He looks confused and checks his wrist looking at a watch he's not wearing.
"God, is it eleven already? Where did the time go? I need to get ready." He tells me walking away to his room. I am puzzled by his behavior. I've never seen him looking like this. I follow him to his room, taking off my coat. I hear him muttering some sounds before taking in the aspect of his room. Some shirts are lying in several places of his bed and dresser, his bed is unmade and the place where he keeps his watches is a mess. The door of his closet is open and it looks like a tornado went in there.
"Edward? Is everything okay?" I ask him worried.
"Yes, everything's fine." He answers without paying me attention. He keeps searching for something, going in circles in his room, huffing in annoyance as he goes. It's starting to piss me off. When a few minutes pass of the same, I snap.
"Edward! What the hell is wrong with you? We are going to be late." I tell him. He stops at the loud sound of my voice and looks at me flustered and embarrassed. I go to him and caress his face.
"What is it? What's wrong?" I ask him softly. He sighs.
"You are going to laugh at me." He says like a little boy. I smile at him.
"No I won't, just tell me so that I can help." I tell him while playing with his hair.
"I…I don't know what to wear." I can't help it. I laugh. I laugh so much it brings tears to my eyes. Edward reminds me I promised not to laugh but it's just so funny. Here I thought I was the one who was supposed to have the outfit crisis. Instead my lovely Edward is all cute and innocent worried about his clothes for today's lunch. This is only a reminder of how nervous he really is and how much what we are about to do means to him.
After I calm myself down, I manage to get Edward to forgive me for laughing at him and help him find some clothes. I choose a dark gray button down shirt that fits him perfectly, coupled with the black dress pant he's wearing, and some black shoes I find in his closet. After he searches his coat, we are good to go.
We leave his apartment and I am feeling my anxiety increasing by the minute. However, this won't stop me, because I know without a shadow of a doubt that for him, for Edward, for my prince charming, this is not even a little bit of what he deserves.
I'd do this and more for him.
So much more.
Link to Bella's Outfit: www . polyvore . com / bellas_outfit_chapter_11 /set?id=41558389 (Remove the Spaces where needed)
There you have it my lovelies, BPOV, finally. Did you like it? If you have any questions, just drop me a review, and I'll answer.
Do you want the next chapter written in BPOV too? Let me know, I'm not sure about it yet. Bella's mind is complicated.
It was difficult writing it.
Last Update of 2011, I hope you guys enjoyed it. Thank you, as always, to all the people out there reading this.
Happy New Year; MAKE IT COUNT.
PS: If you want to read my random semi bipolar rambles, follow me on twitter LisbethTejada.
Till next time, xo.