Grissom pulled up outside the San Francisco police department building a short time later. Sara had pulled herself together in the time it had taken to get there, the red rimmed eyes and sniff in her nose speaking volumes about her state of upset even if she did paste a smile on her features.
She had called Max on the way into the city and he was waiting in the bright reception area for her, his wide, round face breaking into a bright smile as soon as they walked in. he immediately crossed the room towards her, pulling her into a familiar hug.
"There's my Sara, you been avoiding me all these years?" he grinned.
"I know I'm sorry Max" she nodded, knowing that she had exchanged little more than emails with this man since leaving San Francisco.
"Must have been too much fun in Vegas, huh?" he winked, elbowing her playfully.
"Something like that" she smiled, gesturing towards Grissom "this is my husband, Gil Grissom"
She smiled, realising that she never grew tired of introducing him that way.
"Husband?!" Max declared, taking Grissom's out stretched hand and enthusiastically shaking it "never thought I'd see the day! It's nice to meet you sir"
Max steered them inside a small glass office usually reserved for family members and social workers. He sat across from them with the blinds closed, folding his arms across his chest.
"What do you know about Michael?" Sara muttered nervously. She recognised the signs that he was preparing her for something. The over familiarity and secluded room did nothing to abate her suspicions.
"He's not great Sara" he sighed "his rap sheets as long as my arm; violence, drug offences, robbery, assault, public indecency…"
"Is he diagnosed schizophrenic?" she asked, surprising herself with how forward she could be about the subject. Max shrugged and sat forward.
"You know what it's like Sara… he's manipulative. Psych wouldn't give us a definitive answer. She says with his history he could easily fake it either way" he paused with a heavy sigh "he's a drug addict Sara, lost a ton of weight, dosses around all over town. I dropped him off at Safe Harbour last night, after you called"
Sara nodded and stood up "thanks, I'll go see him"
Max exchanged a glance with Grissom, his concerned expression changing everything about his face.
"You sure that's wise?" he asked, receiving a shrug from Grissom and a smile from Sara.
"Probably not" she shrugged, turning to leave.
"Sara… he lashes out at people, he's struck an officer before, he's used weapons… just… be careful ok?"
"Aren't I always careful?" she smirked, recalling the vast number of times she was calling into his office for taking her life into her hands. Max turned to Grissom, looking incredibly nervous.
"You want me to take her over there?" he asked, nudging his head towards Sara waiting impatiently in the doorway.
"I think that would be a good idea" he declared, raising his eyebrows towards her "I need to go collect the last of Laura's boxes anyway"
Sara reluctantly agreed, promising to hold it together and meet him later. Max drove them to the shelter; an old industrial unit on the harbour. On the drive he filled her in on all the office gossip, she heard about the lives of people she barely remembered feeling a little guilty that she had vanished out of their lives so quickly and without explanation.
Max escorted her inside, flashing his badge at the staff with authority. He had been promoted to police chief a short time after she left but she always knew he was destined to progress his career. He had perfected the balancing act of being a good police officer and a good colleague.
He motioned across the room to a man sat on a camp bed muttering to himself. His long dark hair escaped around the brim of his cap, flailing haphazardly around his shoulders. His unshaven face and sunken features made him look grubby, his skeletal hands flicking a playing card over and over again. Sara swallowed her nerves, taking a deep breath before holding her head high and crossing the room towards him.
"Michael?" he looked up at her, his eyes unseeing and unemotional before turning away. His skin was grey and chalky, almost like she would expect on a corpse. "Michael, do you know who I am?"
He continued to flick the playing card; the ace of hearts, Sara pondered its significance as she watched him sitting in front of her looking like an empty shell of a human.
"Should I?" he spat "social worker right? You've come to 'make me all better'"
He laughed a humourless laugh tinged with bitterness and resentment before carefully placing his card in the inside pocket of his grubby and tattered army style jacket.
"No, no… I'm not a social worker… look at me… please?"
She crouched in front of him, searching for his eye contact, hoping that when he looked at her he would recognise her and open up to her about where his life had gone wrong. Michael heaved his head up as though it took incredible effort. His dark eyes had once been so full of life and fascination. She had sat listening to him tell their parents of his plans to go to college and become a 5 star chef on a cruise ship. He was going to travel the world and see everything he could. Now they were flat, stale and soulless. He had lost every ounce of hope he ever had.
"Sara?" he muttered as recognition clouded his expression, it was soon replaced though. He removed his eyes from hers concentrating on his hands.
"Yes. Yes it's me" she smiled, hoping that it meant he was actually happy to see her.
"What do you want?" he replied in a monotone voice without looking up.
"I… I don't want anything Michael" she faltered, unsure what to make of his disinterest.
"Everyone wants something. Haven't you figured that out yet?"
She studied her brother's face, a purple bruise ripening on his cheek barely visible under the stubble and grime of living rough for countless years. His knuckles were cracked and broken, his nails blackened and grubby.
"Uhh Michael…Mom…Mom's dead" she stuttered nervously, steeling herself for an outburst of the anger she had been warned of.
"Good" he declared, meeting her eye with a hint of defiance.
"What happened to you?" she whispered.
"Life happened to me, mom happened to me, dad happened to me" he shouted and stood, making her fall back onto the floor in surprise. She shot her eyes to Max, his hand on his holster immediately but she raised a hand to indicate he was to stand down. She could deal with the shouting. It was better than the silence. "The only good thing that ever happened to me was taken away" he sunk back down to the broken man he had been as the weight of his statement sunk in.
"Jessica" Sara muttered, her hand reaching out to his. He flinched under her touch but his eyes reached out to her and she saw emotion there that had previously been hidden.
"How did you know about that?"
"Mom… she kept things. Your letters, the photograph…she was beautiful"
A silence lingered between them as he fought back the tears in his eyes.
"Yeah, well… she's probably better off where she is" he declared with a bitter laugh "who'd want to be a Sidle right?"
Sara realised that Michael held a lot more resentment towards their parents than she had. He would probably never put those demons to rest.
"I… I'd like you at the funeral… you can say goodbye"
"I said goodbye to our mother a long time ago Sara, just like I said goodbye to you"
He turned his entire body away from her, leaving her crouched on the floor facing his back. She slowly stood up with a sigh.
"ok." Were the only words her mind could find as she turned to leave.
"Don't think you're better than me just because it's not got you yet Sara. We're Sidles…. We all self-destruct eventually, usually destroying everyone around us in the process. There's no escaping it"
She stopped in her tracks, letting the words settle into her brain and poison her blood stream. She had thought like that once. She had thought it better to be alone in the darkness of her own mind; she had thought that pushing everyone away was protecting them. She had been proved wrong, she had come through her darkness and found the light on the other side and she knew in her soul she'd never go there again.
"I have escaped it Michael. Trust me, I've been there. I came through it… with a little help"
He peered at her over his shoulder, the bones on his back stuck out at odd angles under his jacket further emphasising what he had done to his body.
"I don't believe you" he growled.
"Fine. But you can't blame all your problems on something that happened 30 years ago… you have to let it go eventually" she shook her head, wondering if it was possible he really was beyond help.
"What do you know?" His shoulders drooped, his head lolling low on his neck again as his trembling hands reached for his bag.
"I know more than you think" she said simply, turning away so that she didn't have to see him retrieving his drugs "take care Michael"
Sara nodded to Max as she crossed the room and out of the door. Her heart was filled with sadness for Michael but she was well aware that pity wouldn't help anyone and she couldn't help him when he had no intention of helping himself.
Max dropped her off at the hotel, them both exchanging promises to keep in touch that they had no intention of keeping. Tyler and Oscar were having a loud and animated conversation about cheese in the kitchen. She smiled at the image she had of them, hand gestures flying back and forth across the oak worktop as neither backed down over their choices. She crept up the stairs, exhaustion sinking into her bones with every step.
Grissom was already there, a cardboard box at his feet and a book in his hands. He looked up at her when she arrived, scanning her feature for signs of distress.
"How was it?" he asked nervously.
"Ahh you know, as we expected" she sighed, throwing herself face down on the bed with a groan.
Grissom abandoned the book he had been reading and sat on the edge of the bed beside her. He began kneading her shoulders, his thumbs erasing the knot of tension in the muscles and relaxing her weary body.
"Did he speak with you?"
Sara nodded a little, suddenly finding herself far too relaxed to contemplate words. The heat from his hands expanded across her whole body until the pillow melted away and she felt like she was floating on a cloud, drifting away into a dream world where none of this had happened.
When she woke from her impromptu nap Grissom was returning to the room with two white paper bags and a soft smile. The sun was hanging heavily in the middle distance, descending to the horizon slowly.
"I got us some food" he declared, setting the bags on the desk and digging inside.
Sara rubbed a hand across her eyes and stretched her hands up towards the ceiling.
"I didn't mean to fall asleep" she muttered.
"That's ok, you obviously needed the rest"
Grissom placed two plates of food on the small table perched on the balcony and she joined him with a small smile. He had bought all her favourites; even buying it from the vegetarian diner she had introduced him to on the edge of the bay.
"So, Michael probably won't be at the funeral" she said, forking some salad into her mouth "be lucky if he even remembers I was there"
"Well, you tried" he shrugged before fishing in his pocket "Mary found something else in Laura's locker. She told me to give it to you"
He handed her a small brown envelope and she turned it over in her hands before placing it on the table in front of her.
"What's in the box?" she asked, nodding her head towards it as she tucked in to her food.
"It's some photographs and personal things I thought you would appreciate more than goodwill would" he shrugged.
He had found a small box under Laura's bed filled with sentimental things. Sara's first report card, a pair of tiny bootee's and a bonnet, a blanket and a silver chain with 3 rings looped around it.
"I don't want anything. I think I'm ready to just get it over with" she sighed.
Grissom seemed to think about this for a few long moments before placing his fork on the table and taking her hand. His thumb carefully brushed across the top of her hand.
"Maybe you should look first" he muttered carefully.
"Well, maybe tomorrow. I've had enough reminiscing today" she sighed, tearing open the brown envelope he had given her.
A gold chain glinted in the sunset and she turned the envelope over, a gold locket landing in her hand. She prised it open with her nail, two smiling faces staring up at her from the past.
It was unmistakably Laura and Sandra.
They must have been about 17, full of wide smiles and long hair as they wound their arms around each other. Sara stared at the image picturing how happy they must have been, how oblivious to the way their future would tear them apart. She could see now where Sandra drew her similarities from; she did indeed share a remarkable likeness to her mother. They had the same dark hair and strikingly brooding eyes, the same slight frame and long, long legs. She imagined her mother looking great in the 70's when fashion was all about long legs and tiny waists.
The photograph seemed to speak to her, it seemed to tell her truths she had underlined every day of her life.
You just never know what lies ahead.
She glanced up at her husband seated across from her, a smile crossing her features as she recalled the beautiful memories they had made together. That's what was important.
It wasn't what lay ahead or whether fate was hiding in the shadows waiting to snatch everything away. Every moment was a gift, every moment was a memory and that was much more precious and special that fearing what was still to come.
"Gil, I don't tell you nearly enough how much I love you" she declared, leaning across to kiss him gently.
Grissom drew back, eyeing her suspiciously with a small smile creeping over his lips. Her eyes danced to his, filling with love and sentimentality.
"You don't have to" he said "I can feel it from you every day"