A/N: The version of the chapter title song by Adele is recommended.
Make You Feel My Love
Monday, December 29, 1913
Not six months ago Matthew had sworn he would never make this train trip north and east again and yet here he was. He gave his mother a sour look.
"You seem remarkably well recovered."
His mother gave him a big smile. "Yes I feel much better. You know I just cannot take the smoke and fog of a Manchester winter anymore. I guess I am too used to the clean air of Downton" she reached across and patted him on his knee. "It was so nice for you to agree to accompany your aged and infirm mother back home."
He snorted. "Downton isn't your home"
"I'm afraid it is."
He rolled his eyes. "Well I'm not going to see them" He meant Mary and his mother probably realized that.
"No one is asking you to. You can hide out in your bedroom and read books. You might get tired of the victuals though, Mrs. Bird has gone to her sister's for Christmas, it may just be tea and biscuits."
He grinned at her "That's OK I'll just fry something up"
Now she rolled her eyes and he laughed. She gazed fondly at him. Come into my parlour said the spider's mother-in-law to the fly.
-0-
"Mrs. Crawley?" Carson said, oh how he hated to say that but Lady Mary had gone back to insisting on that mode of address and what could he do?
"Yes, Carson" she gave him a sweet smile.
"A boy has come from the village with a message for you."
Mary held out her hand for it.
Carson coughed. "I do not have it. He insists that he give it directly to you"
Mary laughed. "And you cannot intimidate him into giving it to you. You must be losing your touch Carson. Come let's go see the lad."
In the entrance hall stood a boy of about thirteen or fourteen, covered in snow, clutching a letter in one hand and his cap in the other. Mary walked up to him.
"I'm Mrs. Crawley. You have something for me?"
The boy held out the letter. "Mrs. Crawley, the other one I mean, she said you would give me a shilling."
Mary took the letter. "Thank you. What's your name?"
"Billy Brown Your Ladyship"
"You must be the grocer's son."
"Yes, I am"
"It looks like its quite cold and snowy out"
"Yes, I almost froze my..." the boy's voice trailed off.
Mary turned to Carson. "Please give Mr. Brown two shillings for his trouble" Billy gave her a big grin.
Carson sniffed. "Wait here lad" and went to get his purse.
Mary couldn't wait. She opened the letter. All it said was:
'He's here. Until this Sunday. Says he won't go up to the Abbey.
Isobel
PS. Dr. Clarkson is hosting a Xmas party for the hospital staff tonight. I'll be leaving at 7:00 p.m.
PPS Both Mrs. Bird and Ellen are gone for the holidays.'
Mary's forehead furrowed. Why would she care that... then she got it. She looked at the grandfather clock. It was a quarter to. "Carson!" she called.
"Yes my Lady?"
"Please ask Anna to come up to my room and have Branson bring the auto around as soon as possible. Oh and could you see if Mrs. Patmore can give Mr. Brown a cup of hot chocolate and a biscuit or two." She turned to Billy. "Don't worry you'll still get your two shillings plus a ride home in the auto." Then she headed up the stairs. What to wear, what to wear?
Carson looked at the ceiling and shook his head.
-0-
Matthew saw his mother off to her party and then settled onto the sofa. He had on his old cardigan and slippers, a cup of tea, a plate of chocolate biscuits, a book his mother had given him for Christmas, a collection of G.K. Chesterton's Father Brown stories, and a nice fire in the fireplace. Life was good.
He heard the front door open. "What did you forget Mother?" he called out. There was no answer. He finished his page and was turning to the next one when he heard:
"Happy Christmas Husband"
Mary was standing there in her winter coat and hat. Her cheeks were flushed red and she was breathing a little hard. He leapt to his feet. His heart stood still. He stared at her. He hoped his mouth was not hanging open, he couldn't tell, he was vibrating so. She turned away from him.
Over her shoulder she asked "Could you help me off with my coat?"
Still in shock Matthew walked up to her and reached his hands over her shoulders to take the sides of her coat as she unbuttoned it. He could smell her, she had a warm faint rose scent, she certainly smelled better than the last time he had smelt her. She shrugged her shoulders and the coat was in his hands. Before he could move she twirled around and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.
"I've wanted to do that for a long time. Do you mind if I sit down?" She didn't wait for an answer, she sat where Matthew had been sitting. She picked up his book and looked at it.
Matthew thought he heard her give a mental sniff at the middle brow title. Still he did not, could not speak. He went and hung up her coat. When he came back she was nibbling on one of the chocolate biscuits.
"I hope you don't mind, I am missing dinner"
All Matthew could do was shake his head. He turned and went into the kitchen. After much clanging and banging, and what sounded like some muffled swear words, he came back into the drawing room carrying a tray. On the tray was a plate of sliced ham, a small block of cheese, some sliced bread, a pot of mustard, butter on a plate, a small bowl of pickles, a plate of sliced fruit cake, two small plates, a teacup and some utensils. He placed it on the table. He pulled out a chair and raised his eyebrows at her. She stood up, walked to the table, bringing the plate of chocolate biscuits and tea cup with her. She sat down and he pushed the chair in for her. He retrieved the pot of tea and set it on the table. He then sat down.
"I've already taken a drink out of this" she said waving his original teacup at him. "We need to talk, which means you should say things too." She smiled at him.
"Eat first" he handed her a small plate. She took it and put it down. She looked at the food. She looked at him. He sighed.
"You don't know how to make a sandwich?"
She shook her head. He made a ham and cheese sandwich for her. Butter, a little mustard.
"Would you like the crusts cut off?" She nodded.
He watched her eat. Tiny nibbles. Discrete chewing. He put some butter on the crusts and ate them. He made her a second sandwich. When she had finished that and a piece of the fruit cake she had a sip of tea and reached out a hand to him.
He moved his hand back.
She said "I want to apologize for what I said ..."
He put his hand up. "There is no more need for you to apologize than.. " She smiled at him "there is for a falcon to apologize for taking a rabbit."
She frowned. "Are you saying it is my nature?"
He shrugged. "Res ipsa loquitur"
"What?"
"It's legal Latin, 'the thing speaks for itself'".
"I am not like that!" she snapped.
"Why are you here? Is there a problem with the annulment papers? Is there something further I need to sign?"
"No. I mean ... there is no annulment."
"Why not? You would have your freedom"
"I took vows. The same ones you did. Look I love you and you love me. We can make this work,"
He was silent for a long time then "You loved me when you were mad. I loved you when you were mad. You're not mad now."
"I might not be but I still love you. I am remembering some of what you did for me. And people have told me the rest."
He sniffed. "You say you love me because people told you you loved me. You don't remember." He got up from the table. "I'll get your coat." He started moving towards the hall closet.
"Flopsy"
Matthew stopped but did not turn around.
Mary continued "Mopsy and Cottontail."
Matthew turned around. Mary was smiling at him.
"Come back and sit down" she commanded. When he did she told him "You know I don't really care for the boys' names. How about 'Wynken. Blynken and Nod'?'
"Who?"
"They're characters in a poem in a book my Grandmama sent us from New York when I was little."
"You'll have to read it to me"
"I will" and this time when she reached out for his hand he let her take it.
"Speaking of boy's names why did you name my ... our son... Matthew John?"
"I had nothing else to give him ... for his journey"
"You had your father meet him"
He looked at her. "Yes, I asked him to"
"He did"
They were both silent for a long time.
"Is Matthew John going to be a problem for us?"
"No, never. You... we can cherish his memory. But..."
"But?"
"Not the original thing. That must be locked away. You can never say or do anything to remind me of it."
"I promise... Does that mean we can go forward?"
"There is still the matter of .. ah... your need for excitement...what happens when you get bored or.."
She stared at him. "You think I'm a slut! My parents, Grannie, your mother and you! You all think I'm a slut!" and when he started to shrug his shoulders she screamed at him "And don't say res ipsa whatever!" She glared at him. "Look! When Pamuk.."
"Stop!" he yelled "Not two minutes ago you promised to never remind me of him and now you.."
"Shut up! If you want to know what I'm going to do in the future you have to know what I did in the past!" she shouted back at him.
At some point they had both stood up. They were almost nose to nose.
"Pamuk showed up at my bedroom door. I don't know he got there. I did not invite him. He propositioned me. I didn't scream. I should have but I didn't. He didn't force me. I let him do it. I consented. And it hurts that I threw away everything I was taught, everything I believed. It hurts that I was so stupid and reckless!" She punctuated this by stabbing him in the chest with her finger.
Matthew could not look her in the eyes. He tried to sidle away but she matched every move he made. She stayed in his face. Her eyes were black as coal and her face was on fire.
"I have only done it once - and it hurt" she jabbed in him in the chest again.
"And he died on me – and that hurt". Jab!
"My mother and Anna had to help me cover it up and we had to lie to everyone about it – and that hurt" Jab!
He backed away, she followed.
"I got pregnant – that hurt" Jab!
"I lost my friend because he was forced into marrying me – that still hurts" Jab! Jab!
"My groom deserted me at the altar – that still hurts" Jab! Jab!
"I got sick – that hurt" Jab! Jab!
"My baby died – that still really hurts" Jab! Jab! Jab!
Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She had him backed up right against the wall. She has pounding on his chest now with her fist.
"And my husband took care of me in the most loving way possible and I sent him away – and that hurts right now" Pound!
She pounded one last time on his chest and then dropped her head against it. His chest hurt. He hugged her hard to him.
He rubbed her back "It's OK" he murmured. It's OK"
She leaned back so she could look at him. "It will be OK. I will never betray you, I'm not like that." She stared into his eyes waiting for his response.
He kissed her. She tasted of tears. "I know." He hugged her until her breathing calmed down. Then he took her into the bathroom, wet a towel and washed her face.
She smiled at him. "Thanks, I have to go...not home, I mean I have to..."
He smiled back at her "I can assist you, I can even wipe your.."
She laughed and pointed at the door. "Out"
-0-
They were on the sofa, cuddled together under a throw, the chocolate biscuits long eaten, when Isobel came home.
"How was your party Mother?" Matthew asked.
"Very nice thanks. Are you staying over Mary?"
"No tonight" Mary answered.
"Then you had better think about heading home. It's still snowing. Is Branson coming for you?"
"No, I'm walking"
"With me" Matthew put in.
"Then you'd better get a move on. Good night all" and Isobel headed up the stairs.
When Matthew was helping her on with her coat Mary remembered what was in her pocket. She pulled out a small package and handed it to Matthew. "Merry Christmas. Go on open it."
He opened it. It was a book by Mark Twain 'The Innocents Abroad'. He smiled at her.
"I thought you might enjoy it on your travels"
He held up a finger and then headed up the stairs. A moment later he came back downstairs with a small rectangular box. He gave it to Mary.
She opened the box. Inside was a pair of gold earrings shaped like four leaf clovers.
"I thought you could use some good luck this coming year"
She kissed him
As they walked along in the dark, there was no moon, just starlight on the fresh white snow. They did not talk.
Finally as they were approaching the Abbey she asked "What now?"
He stopped just before the door and pulled her to him. "It is my intention to court you. Properly."
"And how long is that going to take?"
"It depends on much resistance you put up. No more than a year. Then – if I am of a mind to, I will get down on one knee and ask you if you want to stay married. If you say 'Yes" we will be married. Properly"
"And if you are not of a mind to?"
"Or if you say 'No" or equivocate then the marriage will be annulled and you will never see me again." He stared at her hard. "Deal?"
She thought about it. "Deal."
"Should we shake on it?"
"Kiss"
And they kissed a kiss that took them both to that final kiss at their wedding.
"Do you have to go away again so soon?" she asked.
"I'm afraid so, my present employer is not that tolerant of absence. But I will be back from time to time."
"And who exactly is your employer?"
"I can't say just yet."
"But you're here until Sunday" He nodded. "So will you come to the Servants' Ball?"
"I'm sorry, I'm not up to that just yet. Look we'll see each other every day. Tomorrow would you take me to the cemetery? I'd like to see Matthew John's headstone"
She looked at him. He was sincere, she was sure of it. "Yes" and she pulled his head down to kiss him goodnight. Properly.