My thoughts go out to anyone on the east coast affected by Hurricane Sandy. Happy Halloween everyone! I hope you got some sweets! Let's see who's come to visit…
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Last time on "Try Me":
The door opened and Blaine stood there, shocked. "Kurt? What? What is all this?"
"I'm moving in," Kurt stated. "If you'll still have me that is. Which I'm hoping you do because I already packed my entire dorm and turned in my key. It'll be a pain in the ass to get it all…,"
Blaine slammed into him, taking Kurt's face and kissing him passionately. "Oh, baby," he said, "I am so sorry about earlier. I had no right to make you feel as crappy as I did. Please forgive me."
Kurt kissed him again. "I'll forgive you if you tell me I can move in so I can put all these bags down. They're really quite heavy."
Blaine laughed and took several of the bags. "Of course! My home is your home, always, sweetheart," he said, excited.
Kurt laughed with him, feeling lighter than he had all day. Walking into the apartment, he was about to talk about closet space again, when he suddenly dropped his bags.
"Kurt, I meant to call you and let you know," Blaine said apologetically, sharing a glance with his guest.
"What are you doing here?" Kurt asked the person sitting there, his stomach plunging.
. . . . . . . .
"Well, son, you been telling me you're alright for months now and from what Blaine here has been telling me, alright is far from what you are. Now you wanna explain yourself?" Burt Hummel said, standing and giving his son the eye that only a parent can give.
Kurt glared at Blaine. "You want to explain to me how my father is just suddenly here?" he snapped.
"I think he has a right to know what is going on. Especially if you are willing to put yourself in danger," Blaine responded calmly.
"Kurt Elizabeth, I expect you to sit down right now and talk to me like a man," Burt demanded.
Kurt might be furious, but he wouldn't disrespect his father. He dropped his bags abruptly and went to sit across from his dad. He hadn't seen the man in months. Kurt had cut off the visits after Karofsky had become more violent under the guise of being busy with school. Kurt didn't want to have to explain himself or his bruises. He kept up on phone conversations so his father wouldn't suspect anything. And he'd been successful. Until now.
"What do you want to know?" Kurt asked, crossing his legs and playing with the sleeves of his coat.
"Don't play distant with me, son. I know Karofsky has been using you as a whipping boy. You told me he was this great guy, someone I would approve of. You lied to me. I told you that you matter and not to throw yourself around. You did the exact opposite. What the hell happened to you, Kurt? What made you think that living like this is okay? Did I not show you enough love? I thought I did a pretty good job; that we did a pretty good job of getting you ready for this world. And here you are, a victim of long term abuse. Where is the Kurt who wouldn't take anything from anybody?"
Kurt didn't answer, just sat there silent, plucking at invisible lint on his pants, eyebrow permanently raised.
"So you're not going to talk to me, huh? Fine, I'll do the talking. You've been lying to me for who knows long, all so some asshole could beat the shit out of you. You think that is the manly route to take? Huh? Keeping it all secret so this little bastard could keep hurting you?" Burt snarled, his face filled with disgust.
"I didn't want you to get hurt because of me," Kurt burst out. "Your heart," he started.
"Do not use my damn heart as an excuse. I had one heart attack years ago. Since then, I haven't had one negative check up. You can't use that as an excuse anymore, Kurt, so don't even try. I'm your father, Kurt, I love you more than anything else in this life. Why did you hide this from me when I could have come and gotten you away from it?" His dad's voice cracked with pain.
This was what Kurt wanted to avoid. All the pain this would cause his father, just so Kurt could have someone to love him, or at least pretend to.
"I didn't want you to see it," Kurt whispered, his voice raw. "I didn't want you to see me like that. I had to stay, don't you get it? Don't either of you get it? He loved me and I needed that, I wanted it, so badly. I was worth nothing without him. Now I have this chance, this golden opportunity to get back at him. Show him what being abused really feels like. Why shouldn't I take that chance?" Kurt finally yelled, standing. "Why don't I get the chance to avenge myself? The chance to win for once."
"Because you're going to lose!" Burt shouted, rising and walking to Kurt. "You're going to lose and possibly get so damn hurt you can't walk away from it. Is death what you're aiming for? Is that what you want?"
"Of course not. But I deserve the chance," Kurt insisted. "He really hurt me. I want to hurt him in return."
"I know, buddy, I know you do," Burt said, reaching out to Kurt. "But I don't want you getting yourself so hurt, you can't come back from it. You want revenge and that's understandable. But, Kurt, I can't risk you leaving me. I've lost enough with losing your mom. I can't lose you, too. Please don't do this to me," Burt said, tears in his blue eyes as he reached for his son. "I love you, Kurt."
Kurt saw the worry and pure fear in his father's eyes and he broke. Wrapping his arms around his dad, he began crying. "I love you, too, Dad. I won't do it; I won't fight," he promised.
They stayed there, wrapped around each other, father and son communing in their love for one another.
Blaine felt like an intruder and quietly picked up Kurt's bags and took them to the bedroom. Relief was flooding his system when he heard Kurt promise to not fight. He knew Kurt would have a difficult time with his decision once the emotional atmosphere returned to normal. Blaine would have to remind him of the reasons he'd agreed not to fight. He would teach him to fight, though. Regardless of anything, Kurt needed to know how to defend himself. That would give Kurt something to hold onto, something to work toward.
Kurt and Burt separated, wiping their eyes.
"I'm sorry you went through all that, kid. You know I would have taken my rifle to the little asshole if I'd known," Burt said as they returned to their seats.
"I figured it was the only way I'd ever get love, so I guess I'm just a guilty as he is because I stuck around," Kurt responded.
"Kurt, look at me," Burt said and waited until Kurt was looking at him. "You are not at fault here. You are the victim, don't let anyone tell you different, kiddo."
"Sure, Dad," Kurt said, looking back down at his hands.
"Well, I'm going to head to the hotel Blaine set up for me. I'm taking you out for breakfast tomorrow, so meet me at the hotel at eight sharp," Burt said, standing. "We still have some talking to get done, kiddo."
"Okay Dad," Kurt said, feeling like a kid looking forward to a lecture.
Burt left after another quick hug. Blaine came out of the bedroom hesitantly. Kurt glared at him.
"Do you still want to live here? I would understand if you didn't," Blaine said quietly.
"I need some time alone. Would you please go pick up something for dinner," Kurt replied, his voice hard.
"Sure. I'll, uh, get some Chinese. I remember what you like," Blaine said and quickly grabbed his keys before slipping out the door.
Kurt paced back and forth in front of the picture window, trying to get over his anger with Blaine. It was crossing the line to bring his dad into the situation. He'd felt pressured to say he wouldn't fight and he would never go back on something he'd told his dad. The man was more precious to him than anything. He guessed it told him something about how Blaine felt if he went so far as to make the call to his dad. For now, though, it didn't lessen Kurt's anger.
Turning on the stereo, he fiddled with his iPod, finding a song to suit his needs. Finding one, he turned it up and began singing.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Kurt sat on the couch, his head in his hands. 'It's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off'. Those lyrics really spoke to him. He was carrying around the weight of what David had done to him. It was time to be done with that. He guessed there would be no violence included in his spiritual and mental cleansing. Maybe a song. He could make his life a musical and go and face down David with a kick ass song, dancing out his frustration and pain. Playing with his iPod again, he found a song and nodded. This would do. For himself at least.
In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
'Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done
What I've done
Forgiving what I've done
Kurt had to forgive himself. For allowing himself to be taken in by David's lies, for thinking it was all his fault, for letting David hit him and rape him and telling himself it was love. Singing the song to himself again, he felt a loosening inside him. A freeing of guilt that he'd been carrying around for too long. It wasn't his fault, he didn't let those things happen. He didn't need to focus on getting revenge on David, but helping himself let go and move on.
He smiled as he sang and sang, dancing around the living room, feeling freer than he'd let himself feel in years.
When Blaine got home, Kurt was still twirling around the living room. Blaine put the bag of Chinese food on the table and walked toward Kurt, a questioning look on his face.
Kurt grabbed him and began twirling him around, laughing at the perplexed look on Blaine's face.
"Are you okay?" Blaine finally asked when the song changed.
"I'm perfect. It wasn't my fault. None of it was. I didn't allow any of it," he told Blaine with a smile.
Blaine smiled brilliantly at him. "No, you didn't. You were innocent in all of this," he agreed.
"See? That's why I'm perfect," Kurt said.
The next song started and they both laughed. Blaine looked at Kurt and began singing to him. Kurt sang harmony and they danced and danced before collapsing on the bed and making love, the Chinese forgotten.
Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.
So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that; why do I do that?
Yeah!
I'm Pretty, pretty, pretty
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
. . . . . . . . .
Shake it Out – Florence + the Machine
What I've Done – Linkin Park
Perfect – P!nk
I know I used a lot of music in this chapter. Don't you sometimes think that your life could be told in the lyrics of a song? That's how I felt here. What song defines your life right now? Mine would be: "Underneath" by Adam Lambert. Don't forget to review!