A/N: HI:) here i am with this new chap.. i really love this story and once in a lifetime i have the full story written in my mind so it goes quickly. *coughs*.. it would be going quickly if i had time.. school takes a lot.. you know how its going.. so please be patient..
i'd love some more reviews... i know you are reading it.. i dont understand why i cannot get one minute of your life to stop by and say hi?...
but anyway.. enough of me.. you're going to know Elizabeth a little more.. also Carlos shows up! and i'm going to try to bring James up in the next chapter : ) you will like him i think.. who wouldn't like him?! lol
have fun reading! thanks for every single second you spend here and read my stuff! love you all!
- Chapter 2 –
Kendall, returning to Earth from the first shock that Elizabeth caused, slowly stands up and sends a bewitching smile towards her. Their hands still connected, her touch is soft but has a certain grip and there's something behind her eyes -something that keeps Kendall wondering. He knows that little thing. He has to face the same look every day when he stares into a mirror. There's that beautiful smile, the smile and the shine in the eyes but they are hiding something dark- something what others can not but the people who have been through the dark, too, can notice it easily.
Elizabeth tilts her head, waits for answer from the till now speechless Kendall. She can hardly bear the penetrating look of those green eyes what he has got. She can't help but feel both amazed and scared. What is this thing with him? Why is he staring at her like this? Nobody ever looks at her this way. Like he knows her secret. Like he knows that she is not that who she seems to be. Where should he know? Elizabeth, think, for God's sake. He does not know anything about you.
"Are you okay?" she asks in the hope of snapping Kendall out of his stillness.
Kendall blinks. He almost gets blind as the sunrays reflect on Elizabeth's beautiful blonde hair. "Yeah, sorry. Kendall Knight." He finally finds the way to introduce himself shaking her skinny hand gently.
She nods, "so. Are you coming? I don't really have time to spend half of my morning out here."
"What kind of offer do you exactly have?" Kendall asks releasing Elizabeth's hand. Both of them sense the weirdness after the contact between them disappears but neither of them does anything; they just stare at each other along. A couple of seconds pass and Kendall bends down and starts to pack his guitar into its holder so he frees from those mesmerizing pair of blue eyes that Elizabeth's got.
"You don't know who I am." She breathes and kind of relief rushes through her body. See? She asks herself. He doesn't know you at all. Not even from magazines.
"Uh, no. I'm sorry. I'm new here." Kendall chuckles.
"Or on the planet." She laughs quietly and Kendall picks up his head on that sound. He stares at her with a huge grin on his face. He loves that sound. An honest laugh. From somewhere it sounds familiar. But how is that even possible? I've never met her. I'd remember.
They are locking eyes again. That's for sure that they like to be in some kind of contact all the time.
Kendall raises his eyebrows on Elizabeth's note but smiles and holding his grin he asks, "Excuse me?"
She quietly laughs again and tilts her head from left to right. Kendall is waiting for an answer. Still eyeing her he throws the holder carefully over his shoulder, gets his water, checks if he has his phone and wallet in his pockets and motions to Elizabeth that she's free to head wherever she wants to.
They begin to walk towards the center of one of those streets which are opening from this nice square. She rushes forward, obviously she's late, Kendall is following her without complaining about the pace and listens. "Sorry. It's just surprising that you don't know me. The city is unfortunately full of advertisements of my company."
"Why is that bad?" Kendall frowns.
She corrects herself, "the advertisements are good but my face everywhere is not. I don't like that, but I must do it."
"You're beautiful, have a face that even an angel could envy. Why would you say that?" Kendall smiles at her again but not even a little muscle moves on Elizabeth's face. Why does she not take a compliment about her look?
"I'm nothing like that. And this is not the subject I wanted to talk to you about." Her voice changes, gets more professional and her face stiffens even more as she speaks. "I don't have time for talks like this so let's get on to it."
Just as she says that they reach a building – a huge one – and Elizabeth makes it ahead again, Kendall closely behind her and listens to her words. "This is the main building of my company. One of my companies. Your luck that you were right here on the square otherwise I would probably have never found you."
They make it to the elevators after Kendall gets a careful review from security meanwhile Elizabeth takes care of some calls. Once she's done, she rushes the security saying that it's her building and company; plus they work for her, therefore if she wants to let someone in without the usual checking, they should just do so. She doesn't like to wait.
They release him so Elizabeth and Kendall step into the elevator, she speaks along. "My office is on the 18th floor. That's where we are heading now so we can talk about the details of your carrier. The carrier that I intend to help you in if you accept my offer." She doesn't look at Kendall again but searches in her phone contacts.
Kendall anxiously checks every move she makes but remains quiet. This girl is not a usual girl. He wonders and quietly runs his eyes up and down on her. I could do a few things to her. Shit. No. Kendall, stop that. You can make it right other ways, too. The voice in his head whispers to him. Only whispers. Even the voice notices that he has to be quiet next to this woman. Even he is scared.
Elizabeth makes a call again. Talks to someone, Kendall can fish the name 'Gustavo' out but nothing more. She mentions some appointment, something about a new project she is very hopeful about and something about another one that this Gustavo man just should drop because she has got something much better. Then without saying goodbye she hangs up.
Through narrowed eyes Kendall examines her a little better. She really is perfect and beautiful. Why would she think otherwise? She owns a huge company like this and she takes herself down this much if it's about looks? Why? Kendall doesn't seem to understand a thing but another voice, louder and braver than the previous one, calls his insides. Just look at her. Imagine how many ways you could make her feeling good -as good as might no one else would be able to do. You have a talent at that. You know it. Kendall shakes his head to shrug off the voice but it keeps talking, come on. You'd press her up against this glass wall and would round her pretty skirt up and … Kendall's thoughts interrupted by Elizabeth's voice again.
He quietly thanks to whoever he has to thank for her speaking up just now and turns his attention at what she's just now saying. "So, since you don't know what company this is that I call mine. I tell you shortly. Besides dozens of others I have this one in music industry. I'm a producer of many musicians in the entire US lately. I hook you up, help you start your carrier and you must let me have a nice cut of any kind of profit you make."
Oh so it's all about her and her money. Not me? Kendall looks around. A long, nicely decorated hallway is in front of them. On both sides there are plenty of doors leading into offices where people are working. On the way towards the end of this hallway Elizabeth keeps talking about her company -how successful it is and how many musicians she's ever helped. Kendall hardly can keep up but he tries his best.
Elizabeth never seems distracted, does not matter what happens, how many uniform dressed, pretty and young women come up to her to sign papers here and there, to get instructions about this and that. After she finishes with them she talks to Kendall again and they never stop, not for a second until they reach the end of the corridor.
There is a bigger space, with a desk, a pretty brunette woman sitting behind it, who immediately jumps up when she spots Elizabeth. Opposite the desk there are comfortable looking leather couches. This can be some kind of waiting area for those who come to see her.
Kendall's suspicion proves true when Elizabeth explains where they are and takes the heap of documents from her assistant. The pretty brunette, Ana, Kendall reads the name off her blinding white uniform top, smiles at Kendall and rushes back to her desk where the phone rings.
Elizabeth checks if she's got everything she needs and motions to Kendall, "come." He does as he is told and follows the blonde woman with a curious look stuck onto her shapely behind. He quickly shakes his head again and lifts his eyes to look around in the room he just now got into.
Room. What room? This office is bigger than Kendall's apartment. Elizabeth keeps talking; Kendall tries to keep up, hardly though. He almost loses it a few times.
"If you ever come to see me, you have to wait outside, doesn't matter if you have appointment or you don't. You can't come in as long as I don't tell you to. Understand?"
Kendall keeps blinking. What is it? What kind of place he just now got to? "Do you understand Mr. Knight?"
"Yes. Sure. Why would I slam your door open on you?" he asks in embarrassment.
"You have no idea what kind of things can happen. I like my safety. I like my rules and boundaries. I hope you listened well enough."
"Ah yeah." Kendall scratches the back of his neck. He takes his holder off his shoulder and places it down onto one of the couches in the room. Elizabeth is on the phone again. Kendall listens.
"No. Carlos, please. I'll call you back later. Yeah I know but forgive me, bye." She hangs up. Wow, that Carlos has got a 'bye'. Must be an important guy.
Kendall stands awkwardly in the middle of the huge office and stares out of the windows. From ceiling to floor windows, there is an entire wall letting all the lights in from outside. Hm. If I could do this. I'd love it, too. She has something dark in her life what she wants to chase away with all this brightness. Kendall unwillingly notices the many white surfaces in Elizabeth's room.
He knows from experience, it's not just the niceness of the color or the love of the bright things. It's the shelter from the dark things which you are scared of that they can pull you back anytime and you maybe won't be able to get out from there again.
He swallows as the thought of the dark things reminds him. I don't even deserve this. Part of him wants to run away. He just cannot be here. It was stupid to dream something like this. This woman is powerful, has contacts everywhere in the world, she can help him but he doesn't deserve it. How did he dare to imagine that it all can be his one day? You want to get fame and rich when you destroyed someone's life? How did you think it will help to make anything right? That voice comes to him again. He's frozen on the white floor of Elizabeth's office. His heartbeat is racing, sweat drops run down on his back.
He didn't have an attack like this in a while. Maybe now that his dream is so close to come true it's brought it out again?
His luck is that Elizabeth cannot see him. She's turned towards the windows and is on the phone again. He has got some time to fix himself. Come on Kendall. The other, soft voice calls for him. You made it through all those years. Don't give up now. Don't let your past to take you over. Remember. You need to get over your past. Breathe. You deserve it. You can make it right. You've already done so much, just go along. Kendall calms down and breathes deeply. He senses violets. Elizabeth's smell. He remembers when they were in the elevator it filled out that small place. And now here in the entire room, violets, again. So soft and calming and so innocent.
Everything what you are not. He tries so hard to overwhelm that voice but it keeps coming back. Kendall's so scared that once the other voice wouldn't come and wouldn't keep him back from running away. He already sees himself in a short amount of time when his dream is nearly come true and he's running away.
But not yet. He is still standing. The calming voice shows up. Hope. Be strong and don't ever take your eyes off the goal and don't forget why you want to get there either.
"I'm sorry." Elizabeth says again snapping Kendall out. "As you see there's a lot that I have to deal with."
"Yeah I see." Kendall quietly murmurs. The encouraging voice didn't have that real good effect on him. He tries though, really hard.
"I see you're anxious. Is there something wrong?" she asks Kendall.
"No. I'm just shocked by all of this." Kendall says and doesn't lie. He really is shocked.
"Oh. Natural effect." She says. Oh one thing she is proud of. Her business success. She presses a button on the phone on her desk, "Ana, I won't take any more calls for a little while."
"Yes, ma'am." Kendall hears the brunette's reply.
"Take a seat by the way." Elizabeth points at the chair in front of her desk. Kendall slowly drags himself there and sits down.
"So are you sure you're ready for this?" she wants to know.
"I don't exactly know what I should be ready for." He murmurs.
"Would you tell me what bothers you? If you keep something from me, we won't be able to work together, perfectly." She snaps.
"Oh nothing. Just still the effect of the shock. I wonder … oh you know. You were talking about other companies and that you own this building, which is huge and what you said about the city full of your advertisements. How? At such a young age?"
"Yeah. I'm not older than you I think but this is how my life has worked out. This is what I have got; I've held onto it and have grown it so now here I am."
"Not a bad thing what you have gotten here, I have to admit." Kendall chuckles. "And you seem like you're proud of it."
"Of course I am. And I will always work hard to keep it. There's just too much work in it, you know, my dad's work. I wouldn't like to disappoint him." Oh her dad. She loves him.
"He must be proud of you." Kendall says and secretly wishes he would know if his dad is proud of him now. He misses him so much in this moment. Again. All the time.
Elizabeth shifts in her seat and takes a long breath. "I hope he would be." She says and doesn't look at Kendall but at a photograph on her desk. Kendall can't see what it is showing but he assures that can be the certain man she is talking about. "I was only 21 when he passed away."
Oh no. Why? Why life has taken away this amazing girl's dad who she apparently loved with all of her heart? Why's life so cruel?
"I'm sorry." Kendall whispers and links his fingers. Staring down at them he says, "I lost mine, too. At the age of 21 myself. Odd."
"I don't know why I started to talk about him. I never do this. This has nothing to do with our business." Elizabeth stands and goes to another part of the room. There is a small bar there. She fletches a glass of water and drinks. Then she turns, "would you like a drink?"
"Oh, yes, sure. Thanks. Water." Kendall mumbles and Elizabeth is there with the glass within a minute. Then she settles back into her seat, behind her the city of LA but Kendall doesn't have time to admire the view again.
"So. Let's talk about the important things now. I really don't have time for this." She fishes out a bunch of papers, a contract as Kendall guesses. "I'll give you this now." She hands it to him leaning across her desk. Kendall reaches for it and takes a quick look on the first page but then glances back at Elizabeth.
"This is a usual contract I make with all of my clients. It clearly explains what kinds of expectations are build up towards you and also towards me once you sign. Because of course I have to accomplish many kinds of conditions so you won't ever say that I haven't done everything for you that I was capable of. I'm going to leave you in charge of another good pro that is going to help you in your music and I'm going to take care of your image, I'm going to let the world know that you're coming to sweep them off." She smiles.
"So you're not doing music yourself?" Kendall asks.
She shakes her head, "No. I don't. But I have a good ear at it, also a good taste and I can see the talent. I have the money to help you start, to lead you to the right direction and you're going to thank it to me with a certain cut of your profits. As I mentioned that before."
"Which is?" Kendall frowns.
She smirks, "you want to make lot money out of music?"
"Maybe. Not for myself, not only for myself." Kendall chuckles.
"Good. There's nothing wrong with that. You must have goals and expectations from yourself. Otherwise you won't be able to do this through. You mustn't take your eyes off your goal, ever. You must deal with a lot of difficulties that are going to happen but this is how everything works. The money, if you happen to make your own album I'll get half of everything. Not just the sales of your songs but the income of your concerts, merchandise, whatever you get into and earn money, half of that is coming to me. It is going this way because at first, how you come here, you have nothing. I suppose. I have to put lot money into you so you will be able to start something with yourself. If you happen to fail then I fail with you so that's why I intend to get that huge share. Understand?"
"Sure." Kendall nods and doesn't even want to ask the 'what if I fail?' kind of question. Let's just suppose I won't fail.
"Good." Elizabeth says. "And since I'm the one helping you, giving you all the support you might need, you have to obey whatever I intend to change on you. We have to insist to a usual image that's expected if someone like you comes up. Your music is fine. I think. I listened to you and I liked it. Do you write songs?"
"Yes. I do write. I have a lot of them ready or at least on a level from where we can start." Kendall says. Elizabeth's a real pro. She's already over her previous and quite comfortable talk with Kendall. She's switched mood and talks to and talks about Kendall as about an item to sell.
"Good. We'll see what Gustavo is going to start with them. Read the contract." She leans back against her seat, "and come back tomorrow so we can start if you want to sign. If you don't, I will say you're stupid. Because Kendall, this might be your chance. Everyone has to start somewhere and if an opportunity comes like this, you shouldn't let it run you by."
The first time when she said his name. Kendall. The way, how the two syllables slipped out of her mouth, echoes in Kendall's mind. Oh if she moaned your name. How good that would be? That voice comes up again but Kendall quickly ignores it. Instead he's thinking about her words. Opportunity. Don't let it run you by. They sound like his dad's words. He often said similar things to keep the belief in his son.
"Then tomorrow when?" he asks.
Elizabeth's face lights up by a little ghost of a smile around her lips. This is a good start. She presses a button on the phone again, "Ana. Reschedule my morning tomorrow. I'm going to be busy enough with Mr. Knight."
"Yes, ma'am." Ana replies.
"Nine?" Elizabeth asks.
Kendall nods. "Good for me."
"You don't have a car, right?" Elizabeth asks before Kendall could say more.
"Oh, no I don't. Why?"
"Just asking. Don't be late. I'd like to get on it with you the sooner the better." She says and gets onto her feet. Going around her desk she continues, "I hope it will work. I really like your music and I see a lot of things to discover in you, Mr. Knight."
"You can call me Kendall." Kendall says standing up. Their eyes meet as she's leaning against the front of her desk.
"I rather call you on your surname. That's how business works between a client and his boss." She snaps. "Well. That's all for now. Please leave your phone number at Ana so if anything comes up between now and our tomorrow morning meeting we can let you know."
"Okay. Good bye Miss. Scott." Kendall glances at her once again before turning around and heading towards the couch where his guitar is laying. He takes it over his shoulder again.
"Mr. Knight." Elizabeth steps up to him and they shake hands again. The bolt of joy by a simple touch rushes through both of their bodies and it happens to feel like an electric shock so they quickly part. She motions to the direction of the door. Kendall rolls his eyes and ambles out of the room.
When Kendall is out Elizabeth blows out a long breath she didn't even notice she was holding in. This guy.
She seats herself back behind her desk again and gets her phone. She dials a number and is wondering if Kendall is going to agree to working with her.
The line rings only once and a smile spreads across her face when she hears her best friend's reply. "Elizabeth. Already thought you'd miss our morning call."
"Not for a million dollars Carlos." She laughs.
"Ah, like a million dollars would mean a thing for you." Carlos says, his giggle is hearable.
Elizabeth hums, "true that, but seriously, you know I wouldn't miss it. How are you?"
"How am I?" Carlos asks. "It's you we usually talk about."
"Yes, I know but actually I don't have anything to say, nothing like those things."
"Oh? Well, I'm glad to hear that. Then what are those other things?"
"You know, Carlos, now I really feel well. So well, that I've already forgotten I can feel like this." She says on her soft, warm voice.
Carlos remains in silence. "Carlos?"
"I'm sorry." His voice is back. "I was checking if it was really you who called me. Elizabeth, what happened? I've been working to make you say something like that for years and you just now said it. You said you're happy. Why?"
Elizabeth lets out a long breath again; her heart is beating in her chest rapidly as she remembers the reason of her mood. "This guy." She breathes.
Though Elizabeth cannot see Carlos, she knows that at this point he jumped up from his seat, "what guy? Elizabeth, why did you refuse my first call? What were you doing? Whom with?"
"Chill, Carlos, for God's sake. I was with a client. A new guy. A really attractive, cute, and last but not least beyond talented guy." She says.
"We should set an appointment soon. Elizabeth, it's been too long and you need to talk to me face to face. I need to see your expressions when you're talking about guys." Carlos says seriousness flooding from his voice.
She sighs, "I know Carlos. But I'm way too busy and I don't have time to see you in the other half of the city. I have so many things to do. It's the middle of June and all my companies are working on the half year reports. I need to check out their work so if there is any anomaly I can be here to fix it. We can't allow a mistake in the system, you know that."
"I know." Carlos says and his voice changes. "But then don't look at it like an appointment. Look at it like a dinner with a friend, a best friend if I'm still in that status even if we haven't met in weeks because of both of our busy schedules."
"Oh Carlos." She sighs again. "I'm so sorry. I'm such a bad friend."
"No, you're not. You're the best friend I've ever had. It's my fault, too in particular ways."
"Really, how is Stephanie doing?"
Carlos' voice turns somewhat sadder again, "she's fine. Though she asks more and more about her mom. She misses her so much. So do I, Elizabeth."
"Oh Carlos. We really need an appointment. Not just for me, for you, too. What did you say to her?"
"The truth. What else I could say. That she's in the heaven with angels. She's happy about that but it hurts… so much to talk about her..after two years it's still so painful. And how she's getting older she's going to mention her more and I just don't know how I'm going to deal with everything."
"I'm sure you can do it. Give yourself some of your advices that you'd give to your patients. Know that she's in a better place now and that she's proud of you for everything you've done so far for your daughter. And other things you would say. I don't know them; after all it's you with the diploma."
That makes Carlos laugh. "I love you Elizabeth. I'm glad I have a friend as you."
"You have me always even though I'm not actually there. You can come and slam my door open anytime. You remember how many times I've done that with you? You can do that, too if you need to talk."
"I will do, I promise. Very soon. For two reason." Carlos' voice gets a new tone again. Elizabeth knows he is trying to forget about his pain so she decides she won't ask more about Grace and Stephanie. "One what I mentioned before that I need to see your expression during therapy. Two, I need to meet this guy."
"And do you think he's going to be here with me all the time just because I said I'm happy about him?" she asks.
Carlos hums as a response and after a couple of seconds he says, "Yes. I know you. You're going to keep him around if you like him. You need him then to be happy, to push the bad things away, to remind yourself that it's not wrong if you desire to be happy once in a lifetime. And if this guy makes you happy with simply being there, then you'll keep him around. And there's nothing wrong with that. You really do have the right to be happy so live with the opportunity but don't get carried away. You can easily get hurt and we don't want that, neither you nor me, nor would your dad."
"Oh Carlos." She sighs the same way as she's done twice already during this conversation with her best friend. "I don't even know why I feel like this. I don't know what this guy brings with himself but there's something making me relax. I started to talk about dad with him. He has got amazing voice and music, mesmerizing eyes and something what pulls me to him. While he was here I was both scared of the effect he has on me and both glad that someone can do it to me still."
"You deserve it, you know. Don't take yourself down and don't get scared if he has an effect on you. Just be careful and enjoy the moment. Don't be afraid of the next one, just always enjoy this certain moment, okay?"
"Yeah. Okay."
"Elizabeth. Listen. You have got to let people into your life, don't close up if he's the one who obviously comforts you and you've started to open up."
"It's just.. gonna be hard. I don't want all this to come out. I want him to be here but also I'm already scared for tomorrow. I don't know what I would tell him and what his reaction would be, I don't even know how to act around him."
"Hey, girl. Where's your previous confidence?"
"Flown away when I realized I might not deserve anything of him. He's too good. He seems too good, Carlos. Too good for me. I shouldn't be happy for him."
"Don't say that. I hate that I can't hug you now, that I can't see what face you make."
"You don't want to see it." Elizabeth whispers and reaches for a tissue to wipe away her appearing tears in the corner of her eyes.
"I always love to see your beautiful face. When are you going to realize that you're beyond beautiful?"
"Never. I don't care what anybody says."
"Elizabeth, you haven't been like this in a while. You're healed, remember and see yourself the way as anybody else does. You're successful, beautiful, young. Why can't you accept that you deserve a happy life?"
"You know why."
"Shit. Elizabeth. If you don't change this attitude now I've got to go over and talk your ear off."
She giggled. "I'd be really happy to see you. These mood swings seem to come back again."
"We'll fix that, okay? Again, if we need to."
"Okay."
"The reason of the mood swings is probably this new guy. You're happy to have him around and you're scared of being happy. That causes the duplicity. Tell me about him."
"Look Carlos. I really would love to but I don't have time."
"You can make time, you know that. Half of the city is in your hands; don't tell me that you can't squeeze some time into your schedule for your own good."
"Okay. Wait a minute. With my little outburst we lost some time." Elizabeth presses the button on her phone which connects her to her assistant, "Ana. Please move all my appointments up for a half hour."
"Yes, Miss. Scott." The assistant replies and then Elizabeth is back to Carlos.
"A half hour? You're giving too much there for me."
"Ha you wanted me to talk so now you're going to listen to me and then you can return to your patients."
"Just like that. Now tell me about him."
Elizabeth sucks in a deep breath and turns her seat so she's facing with the wonderful view of LA downtown. "He's sexy, Carlos. I swear he is. You know that I don't usually say things like that but I really think he is. Plus there is something in his eyes that doesn't let me calm. He was lost for a few moments when he stepped into my office."
"Everyone gets lost there. It's huge." Carlos interrupts. "Go on, sorry." He says.
She continues without any comment. "It was like he was scared or something like that. You know? It was almost the same look that I have when I feel like I don't deserve something." She pauses giving Carlos the opportunity to speak.
"Well, nobody knows what he was thinking but him. But knowing you I can imagine that it's just the way you describe it. Now I want to meet him even more. I want to see if he's really scared but listen to me. You know what Hollywood is like, better than anyone. It easily scares the new folks here. Why do you think I have this many clients. They are going crazy in this city. What was he like anyways?"
Knowing well what Carlos is aiming at, Elizabeth starts to detail. "Well, he looked shy but there is a part of him which I think I'm going to have some problems with. The fact that he made me open up about a thing I never talk about, scares me. Someone who has this feature can be dangerous. This just sucks. I hate myself for wanting to push him away but I'm going to, I think. As I said he seems too good. He deserves better than me."
"On the other hand you want to keep him around because from the deepest corner of your heart you already desire happiness. It's because you're somewhat healed Elizabeth. Don't let your fears getting over you. Let your healed part take over and let yourself enjoy it, whatever comes. If you like to be around him, don't push him away till you don't have a real reason to do so. If you do push him away, then years of therapy gets lost in the nothing. That's what we've been working for, for you to be able keep people close to you, certain people. Not everyone but those who you have trust in."
"I know. I'm sorry. It's not you being the wrong therapist. It's me being the wrong patient. I can't do it. I need more time."
"I understand and I'm here to help you, you know that. Forget about the fears. Tell me what makes you happy in him."
"His smile. Angelic one. His laugh. His eyes. His hands, as he's playing. Carlos, he's just so gorgeous."
"Good. Keep that in mind. You're allowed to like him."
"I'm trying."
"That's more than enough, Elizabeth." Carlos says but his voice gets lower.
"What is it?" Elizabeth asks sensing the change.
"My phone is buzzing. It's another important patient. She hardly can deal with her life without me."
"I hardly can do that without you either. You're an amazing person Carlos and you'll find your happiness, too. Sometimes seriously listen to your own advices and be opened because you never know when someone will cone who might be worth a try."
"Aww. I don't know what you and I would do without each other."
"Hopefully we will never have to experience the 'without each other', hopefully."
"If it depends on me, we won't. I promise. But now I gotta go and you have still 15 minutes left. Don't beat yourself up."
"I'm not going to. I have a million things to do since this Kendall guy came and has messed up my morning."
"Guess, it's the name of that mesmerizing angel?"
"Yes, you smartass. It is his name. Go and get yourself into work. I have got to do that, too. See you and talk soon."
"Good bye Elizabeth. Miss you and love you."
"Love you, too, Carlos." Elizabeth says and then removes her phone from her ear and cancels the call.
She busies herself in work, not thinking about neither Kendall nor past but doing what she can the best. Forgetting and working as therapy. That's always the best way to get past things you don't want to face just yet.
Kendall after hardly finding a bus to take him home, falls onto his bed tiredly and stares at the white ceiling.
Since he's left Elizabeth's office he's been wondering what this amazing woman has got to hide. Because sure she has something. When he realizes what he is doing he slaps himself in the face mentally. It's just not right to think something like that about someone who you have spent a few hours with. You have no right to judge even if there is something she is hiding.
You have no right to judge anyone for hiding anything, mainly if you remind yourself what you're hiding. The voice is back and Kendall is about to get out of bed and hit his head into a wall. He just wants that voice to finally leave. Why does it keep coming back? Why? When he already has made his decision, when he already wants to try it, when he barely made himself believe that he has the right to be happy sometimes and do something he likes with all of his heart? Why now? Why always in the best moment?
Sometimes back in his younger years when these voices came, he was thinking about harming himself. He wanted them to just cease and leave him alone. They always came when everything was fine and when he kind of felt happy about something. A game of hockey, a song he learnt to play, his payment he got every first Friday of the month after his hard work. They came to take over him, saying that he didn't deserve that all and then Kendall was either quietly sobbing in his room or if he had strength to pull his balls up, he went out to forget.
One day they came even harder, they were louder, forceful and hateful. Kendall wanted to die.
His luck was that he still had a piece of his mind and he found a place where he was understood, where people helped him without asking who he was and where later he could help people, too, when he was feeling better.
But there was not only that one day when Kendall wanted to throw his life away. Oh, there was way too much of those days. Remembering how miserable he was, Kendall feels even worse now again.
Wouldn't it be easier if he just gave up and he could stop fighting, he could go to the place where he belongs to, the voices were gone, and nobody ever would know what he's done. Nobody's ever would judge him for his mistakes. And he could meet with his dad again. Dad.
But then, why would you give up if you have come this far? A voice asks echoing in his head. Kendall is standing in his new bathroom staring into the mirror, into his own green eyes, which now seem darker. His eyes wander down to the razors. It only would take a few minutes. He knows how it would be; he's seen it enough times back at Minnesota. So many kids and other older people cutting themselves. The urge comes so quickly. They said not even knowing that Kendall knew exactly what it was like. The difference is that even if Kendall has got these mood swings, too and the urge really comes from one second to another, he always could fight against it. He always won. He's never cut.
But now.
His hand reaches for the item on the sink but then the other voice is calling for him again, look around where you are. Remember, Kendall remember. You've worked for it. You deserve it. Nobody does deserve it better than you. Don't give up now when you're here, have come so far.
Kendall steps back from the sink and checks his look in the mirror. He swallows seeing how fucked up of a look he just has got but then shakes his head. I remember. I know I deserve it. I can make it right. I believe. I live for the future not in the past.
He backs out of the bathroom, hardly though but he is out of there. The door is closed and he's lowering to the bed staring at his wrists in his lap. The push is stronger than ever. It comes back continuously. Kendall needs something. Part of him doesn't want to leave this world. He needs to live. He doesn't want to hurt himself.
But he knows if he's going to be alone, he probably won't be able to fix himself once more if he will stand in the bathroom staring at those razors. Why didn't I get a girl yet? Why do I want to stop with them? Why do I want to change when that way I was never alone and I was safe from these moments plus I even did something good for them, too? Why?
Elizabeth comes to his mind. He wanted to hold her. How could he even think about it when that woman offered him help? How fucked up someone has to be to think like that? Does he deserve this woman's good will? He's so close now, he just has got to sign a contract and he is going to be on his way to the desired fame.
But the question is, even if he does get through his inchoate issues he feels by all this sudden change, how is going to deal with all the difficulties that Elizabeth mentioned? How is he going to get through all of that if he's going to be alone and feels the way he's feeling now?
Here again. Once when he already thought it's over for today, it comes back. So quickly. They come so sudden. These thoughts switch his mood second by second. It's so hard. How would he do it later when he's hardly dealing with himself now?
Now. When he wants to cut. Later it only will be harder. He needs to end it. He won't be able to do it.
And there. The voices don't come. Neither of them. Maybe this time he is going to do it. Really.
He is just about to get off bed and make it to bathroom when his phone rings saving him.
Logan. Kendall smiles. His best brother who always shows up when he needs him.
They talk through the half of the night. Kendall is so tired once they hang up after midnight that he falls quickly asleep but before that he quietly murmurs a prayer for whoever he has to be grateful for Logan's call.
His hope is the fact that he wants to live.