A/N: hello.. here is a new chapter. .though not many people are reading this I keep writing because I still think that it was my best decision to start this fiction.. so yeah .. those who doesn't like it.. I am sorry..
Right now I am having rough times in my life so I am not sure if I can post ANYTHING ... I am sorry for that as well... I am trying to come with similar length in every chapter.. if I can't make it, I am sorry..
Forever grateful for my dear beta, Irina, (you can contact her through my profil) .. she seems to like it and I am so glad to know it.. I am the same glad for anyone else who stops by and says a quiet hi to me, I love to see that you guys enjoy what I do. it helps a lot... you don't even know..
Thank you all for reading.. seriously I love you all!
One last thing.. here James comes into picture and I quietly note here: I have warned you about something in the very beginning.. don't like it? I am sorry again, this is going to be the way I will write... have fun : ) love you all, xo, Julie...
p.s: to make assumptions based on hints that you are reading here is totally unnecessary... everything will be all right, just remember who i am...
Chapter - 3
No! It hurts! Please! Just stop…stop…stop…
A few fading, weak cries all that he can hear. The girl…desperate crying softly, she still has hope that they would let her go…but then her voice gets lost, tired and she is quiet. What happened? Where has the voice gone? Where is she gone? Is she still there….? She is…he can hear her uncontrolled breathing, her quiet groans but no more cries….
Kendall wakes the following morning in sweat and insane hotness. His blood is boiling, memories going round and round in his mind. Memories or dreams? – memories. He soon recognizes sitting up and thinking what he was just dreaming about.
He crawls out of bed tossing his pajama bottoms off and heading for a shower. Yes, he needs a cooling shower before the voices would come and after this dream he doubts he could fight with them. He is too exhausted, too tired. Last night has been hell and the morning doesn't start well either. He needs to get past it before another attack comes. He has got to hurry to get ready for his meeting with Elizabeth.
He tries to forget it but then he hits himself mentally. How could you forget it? You mustn't forget, nor learn to live with the feeling. You have to suffer. There are no voices. It's him telling himself those words. He tries again. As he shakes his head droplets of water fly around in the bathroom.
Yes he tries but it gets harder every time he wants to get past it. He doesn't understand how these attacks come now even more sudden and they last longer, through an entire night. He doesn't know what he is doing wrong, why he cannot get over them as he always does after a couple of hours of suffering.
He remembers, back at home when they wouldn't go away he just would sit down and played some song. Then he believed again that he could make it, he could make everything, he deserved to have a chance to make it, he knew it.
Somehow now it doesn't work.
He soon should be going to Elizabeth and he is still sitting on his bedroom floor holding his guitar, eyes in tears, heart a squeezed little ball, hopes somewhere deep under the guilt, under the pain.
Come on. What's going on with you? A voice wakes up in his head and says nearly causing Kendall to jump up off his seat. I don't know. He answers without giving a noise but thinking and starting a conversation with himself.
You have been fine lately. What's brought it out of you now? Why now when everything seems to turn to the way you have ever wanted?
I don't know.
Then don't think about it. Don't try to understand. Just forget it, get past it and go with the chance you get. Kendall, you can make it.
Kendall takes a deep breath and lifts himself up from the floor. He sets his guitar in a corner of the room and stands in front of the mirror.
Can I make it?
You can.
It has got to be too early because there is not another voice which would always say you can't.
Then he wonders if that voice wasn't there yet today why is he doing this to himself? It gets worse. I don't even hear the voice and I feel awful. The dream. Soon he remembers. The kind of dream which comes with loads of memories, he hasn't had an experience like this in a long while. But after how he got into bed last night it's understandable.
The voice doesn't come to take him over, to tell him to end it, but still Kendall wants to end it again. The voice this time sent the dream to remind him, it has sent the other voice that he hated to hear and that he hated himself for because he was the cause of that voice, that desperate girl.
What the fuck? Now really why? He is screaming inside, he waits for the voice to come and answer but there is nothing.
I need to go. Get out of here. Messing in his hair he shakes his head and walks around the room. Get out of here. He grabs a jacket out of his closet and makes it to the living room.
I'm pathetic. I seriously am. He thinks trying to put the key into the lock and get out of the flat the sooner the better. It's never been this bad. Why now? Why just NOW? Why do I want to run just now? WHY?
He doesn't understand a thing of those thoughts that are going round and round in his mind in that bare moment till he is working with the lock.
Usually he knows how to handle this but now he just can't calm down. He isn't able to do it. There is something that keeps him on the same level. Something in this flat? Something in this city? Something … something … somewhere… but WHAT? And why it doesn't let me be alone?
As the door opens a man stands there. "Uh hi." Kendall says, the words feel weird on his tongue since today he hasn't spoken to anyone but to himself yet.
The man nods, "good morning. Mr. Knight?"
"Yes." Kendall answers shortly. "And you?"
"I'm John Meyer. I'm working for Miss Scott. She has sent me to take you safely to her office."
Kendall blinks. Elizabeth. As her beautiful face visions in front of his green eyes Kendall smiles lightly. But then he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know where he was exactly going to when this John person came; he just wanted to get out of his apartment.
Would he have gone to Elizabeth? Would he have gone to somewhere else forgetting all about her and their half-agreed arrangement?
"Okay." Kendall nods, closes the door behind him and motions to John who heads on the way. Kendall follows him without a word being asked how John knew where to find him or whatsoever.
Today it's going to be started. I'm going to be on the way to my dream. I'm going to make it. I'm going to prove that I can make it. God has sent her my way to help me. If she wouldn't have sent this man….who knows where I would be going now…. I don't think I would have survived it alone…not again.. the dreams are back and there is no one to run to .. not anymore… I can't do it alone… I mustn't be alone….it gets too intense…one day when Logan won't call… one day when someone won't interrupt and snap me out and drag me away and I will finish it….one moment is more than enough…
With these thoughts he sets himself in the back of the car that Elizabeth sent for him. He doesn't want to be alone, he doesn't want to think. It would only make everything worse and he would get to Elizabeth in a mood which wouldn't be acceptable.
Kendall decides to make a call. He talks through all the way to Elizabeth's office. His mom is really excited to hear that Kendall has found an opportunity to start something and that it has happened so quickly. She tells him that she is proud of him and though she doesn't say it but Kendall knows she wants to add that his dad is proud, too.
This talk reminds him. His dad, he would be proud now, he wouldn't like to see Kendall giving it up, so by the time he arrives to Elizabeth he's clear minded and somewhat calmed. Just get through this day for now. He is thinking as he steps into the building.
Please...! Stop.. just stop… she quietly cries but they never stop and soon she doesn't have the strength to cry anymore. She isn't conscious anymore…she can just hardly breathe and feels her cheeks getting wet by thousands of tears but she doesn't feel anything else…she is lost..she is hurt…in the dark…she doesn't dare open her eyes…she doesn't even have the strength to do so…
She wakes with racing heart and overwhelmed mind. They are back. She can hardly stop herself from crying but climbs out of bed and makes it to the bathroom. Look at yourself Elizabeth. You're a mess again. Just like that morning. "No." she quietly says like anybody would hear and moves to take a shower.
Get past it. Get past it. They won't hurt you again. She repeats the phrases whilst finishing the shower. She looks for some clothes to put on and stares at herself in the mirror of her bedroom. Her perfect shape draws in front of her but she doesn't see it. She sees all the bruises and the pain radiating towards every little part of her body. Doesn't matter that she truly is beautiful, she cannot see it. "Fuck. You're so beautiful." He said.
"NO" she goes to her phone and pulls up Carlos' number.
"Car-Carlos…" her shaking voice immediately shows that she has a problem.
"Elizabeth! What happened? Where are you?"
She swallows and gathers her thoughts. "Elizabeth?" Carlos raises his voice worried.
"Here. At home. I'm….dream…I had a dream..again…" she breathes and sits down on the edge of her bed.
"Calm down. Take deep breaths. It was just a dream. He won't hurt you. Just remember how we did it earlier."
"I know. I know. A dream. Nothing more. Just a dream." She says and soon calms. Talking to Carlos, only to hear his voice is enough to relax, to see that is real and that isn't. This is what she always needs, someone to hold onto, to talk to, someone who reminds her that everything is fine now.
"Elizabeth, you need a normal therapy again. Come see me sometime today." Carlos says softly and quietly. Elizabeth is now calmed he can hear that from her breathing so he knows he can speak. "Please, you know you need it. You don't have to feel ashamed that you are back at this point. It happens very often. We need to find out what causes it."
"I can't go today, Carlos. I have got so much to do with Kendall and with the other com…" she starts but Carlos cuts her word off, "please Elizabeth."
"I don't want it again, Carlos. It seems like I'm not a good patient, nothing works for me. Thanks for listening though. We'll talk later. It was all that I needed, to hear a voice…a different one from the one in my dream. Thank you." She hangs up with those words and quickly makes it to her office.
She wants to get out to the air where people are around, where she is not alone, where she cannot hear the voice in her head saying how beautiful she is. She needs a better therapy; she needs her work to forget it, to get over it. She doesn't want to seem miserable again and get back to the exact same state where she has started. She doesn't want Carlos to think that she cannot deal with these things. He is the best therapist, her best friend as well and she doesn't want to disappoint him.
She doesn't want to disappoint her dad either.
She asks her driver to drop her out at the same place where he did the day before. She thinks finding Kendall was a lucky thing, her day started well then and hoped if she starts the day the same it will be just as good as it was yesterday.
Of course Kendall isn't there on the square. She hopes he's already sitting in her office waiting for her to show up. Elizabeth wonders how long it's been since she walked through this square twice in 24 short hours.
She barely goes out other than for her job, she doesn't like to be on the streets, mainly not alone but then again in a crowded part of the city like this she would never be alone. She could take this short distance to her office every day even.
"Good morning, Ana." Kendall smiles at the brunette assistant as he walks into the little waiting area in front of the door of Elizabeth's office.
"Mr. Knight." She nods. "Delighted to see that you're back here."
"Thank you." Kendall says standing in front of her desk. "It's very nice from you. Elizabeth is here already?"
She shakes her head, "no, sir. She isn't yet, but soon she will be, I'm sure. Take a seat till then."
"Thanks." Kendall tilts his head and moves to settle down on the couch.
He is watching people coming around and asking for Elizabeth, Ana sends them away and waves them for patience. Kendall is trying to distract his mind so he gets lost in the posters on the walls. They are all famous musicians, he knows each and every one of them.
He remembers that Elizabeth said that she's worked with many popular people but he doesn't remember these posters from yesterday. Probably he was too deeply in amazement. He still can barely believe that he is sitting here and someday he might be a décor on one of those walls as well.
Kendall stands up unable to just admire the posters from far and studies each of them closer. As he just reaches the last one on that wall he hears the office waking up just like yesterday when Elizabeth and he walked in. He knows she is here.
He peeks out from the shelter of the wall and spots her coming on the hallway, people around her everywhere just like the day before. "A signature here." One says then disappears behind a door. "Another signature here." Another blonde girl asks and then she is gone, too. Then more and more employees come and ask for this and that and by the time Elizabeth approaches her office her hands are full with documents.
Kendall steps up to her and helps her to hold them. She thanks him with a light smile then quickly turns to Ana, "Gustavo called?"
"Yes Miss Scott. He said he will be here around eleven."
"Told him that I need him around ten?"
"Yes Miss, but he said he is busy with someone else and is not able to come earlier." The brunette replies and Elizabeth groans. "He knows that here it's me having the control. I have a million things to do. Why he just cannot come when I want him to?" she asks rather from no one than from Ana or from Kendall and then sighs. "Come Mr. Knight."
And Kendall does go after her waving a good bye to Ana. He closes the door and watches Elizabeth moving around her desk and tossing the documents onto her desk. "I seriously don't know why I'm investing into the computer net in this damned company if nobody uses it. Every day I'm welcomed with paperwork which keeps me busy for an entire day." She goes to the bar and gets a glass of water for herself.
Kendall is quiet.
"Is anything the matter Mr. Knight?" she asks coming up to Kendall with some water for him, too.
He shakes his head, "nothing Miss Scott."
"Oh come on, I can see there is something." She says and motions for him to take a seat. She leans against the front of her desk and eyes Kendall as he sits down. "Tell me."
"I just had a weird night and morning. It's all. I'm a bit distracted by a few things but I'm all right. I will be once we get into work. I'm sure." He says looking up at her. She looks gorgeous as the morning sunshine reflects on her blonde hair again. Through the huge windows beautiful LA's morning sunrays come into the office and give an amazing view to everything, to her, too. Not like she wouldn't be beautiful anyways, in the dark, in the light, everywhere. Kendall thinks so at least. Of course he doesn't know how Elizabeth would look like anywhere but he can imagine it.
"Oh, I see. Well if it comforts you not you're the only one with weird night and morning here." She says swallowing the last sip of her water than putting the empty glass onto the table. Meanwhile she does that she is wondering why she feels forced to comfort Kendall, to comfort him with talking to him about herself. She never does that with any of her clients.
"Are you okay though?" Kendall asks and then takes a sip of his water as well.
She nods. "Yes. Just these times it's hard to start the day. You know I'm trying to distract myself and the more I'm trying the harder it gets and the less it works. I mean I'm continuously reminded of why I am actually trying to take my mind off."
"Same." Kendall bends his head. "The more I try the less I feel like it's useful. Plus I'm already scared of the time when I will be at home again, alone and will thinking again like that and will be just there where I was and where I don't want to be. So nothing seems to help. I'm hopeless. That's why I'm not sure that it's going to work with you and me."
"What?" Elizabeth reaches out and takes Kendall's hand. "Don't you think that God has sent us to one another's way to help each other? I feel like I'm hopeless, too. But I can say for sure that you are not. I see it in you Kendall. If I didn't see it I wouldn't be here begging you to try it. You have nothing to lose. Did you read the contract?"
Kendall is hardly able to focus on her words because her touch feels so amazing. So comforting, soft and familiar. The smell of her, the feel of her touch. Like he knew her.
"No. Sorry but I wasn't in the mood. Till your driver showed up I didn't even know if I wanted to come back. I kept changing my mind every five seconds. By the way where did you know where I live?"
She smiles and releases his hand. The touch is too intense and she is unable to concentrate if she has to hold him. "You left your number here, I had your name so I could make a little background check."
"Oh." Kendall forms the little sound as a sign that he is surprised "Did you find anything interesting?"
"No. I mean nothing that could be a problem between you and I." she says. "Why don't you believe that you can make it, that I want to make it with you?"
"Why don't you believe that you're beautiful?" Kendall snaps.
She turns away; Kendall knows he has gone too far. "Do you want to try it or not?" she ask going round her desk and sitting into her chair.
"I do want but if you want me to talk about the things going around in my head I would like you to do the same."
"I know how it works Kendall, and I try to make you talk because I know you are going to need it. As I said yesterday, being in this world is going to come with a lot that you have to deal with and it won't be easy. You need to talk about them before you go insane. As for me it's not your business. I'm just trying to comfort you and assure you that you're in good hands here. And I honestly don't know why I'm doing this. I usually leave it all on my employees. I have people doing this for my clients. But with you it's different." Elizabeth stares at the desk and doesn't dare look up at Kendall. "I mean, I feel like I want to know what your problem is. I just can't bear seeing you with this expression; I want to know the reasons. I always want to know reasons." She sighs.
Kendall is blinking rapidly. What is she trying to say? "I won't say that I wouldn't mind talking to someone about my issues but I don't think it would be you the perfect person. Since you are my boss and well that would be just weird and you don't have time for this. I think." Kendall says leaning toward the desk and placing his glass next to the one that was in Elizabeth's hands.
The she looks up again. "Yeah, you're right. So I have an offer. I have a very good friend who would be just the perfect for you to talk to. He isn't the person I usually send people to with stuff like this because I don't want my personal life accidently mixing with my job. But with you.. well you know I said it's something else. I want you to be in the best hands, I want you to get the best of everything. I want you to see that you deserve to be here and I want you to realize that you can make it. I can see it in you, Kendall." his name again.
When she says his name it feels so amazing for Kendall. And it feels good for Elizabeth, too, to say it. It's even better when they lock eyes, like now.
"Of course I don't know a lot about you yet, but I can see some things. I see things that I have been through myself so I can recognize it in others as well. I see that you want to give up, I'm scared you would do it if you won't get real help. I want you to know that you're not going to be alone here, never, as long as I am here. Understand?"
Jesus. Why is she saying all these things to me? What does she see in me that makes her think all of that about me? And how can she have such belief in me when she doesn't even know me? She really sees it? Sees that I have something in mind? Yes she does. Just now she said it. She has been thinking it as well. What was that?
"I don't need your pity. If you want to work with me because you see how miserable I am…" Kendall begins not even knowing why he is saying these words.
Elizabeth cuts his word, "Kendall." She pauses giving Kendall the time to enjoy the sound of his name coming out of her mouth again. "It's not about pity. It's about the talent that I can see in you. And those many things that keep you scared. I just want to help because I know what it's like to be left alone, having no one to hold onto. When you have someone you shouldn't push the helping hand away."
Kendall stays quiet. What he should say now? This woman knows something. She has been through something that formed her attitude the way it is. And she really wants to help. The voice says in his head. Besides you know you would need the help. You left your home, the people who helped you. You cannot be alone, Kendall. You mustn't lose it. Then why have you been working so hard if you give up here?
True. Kendall knows that he needs help. But on the other hand he keeps wondering what Elizabeth knows.
"How do you know all of these things? How can you see into me?"
Elizabeth shrugs. "I've been thinking it. I know your expression. I was the same, Kendall. I can see it in your eyes. The thing I have seen in my own ones every morning for a really long period. Then this guy who I want to help you, came and helped me. He was the helping hand for me and even if I challenged for a little while I recognized that I need to accept it. Now please, after all of this challenging, accept it."
So Kendall was right the day before. Kendall can see that Elizabeth winces when she talks about her past. He noticed it the day before when she talked about her dad and now again. He knew he was right when he assumed she has something to hide. Something that she could get past, it seems like it at least. She is a strong, confident woman owning the entire world and it's all because she accepted the help. She didn't do it alone. Whatever it was that chased her, she could get past it and was the queen of her own world now. Just because she accepted help and wasn't that hardheaded to make it through alone.
Not like you.
Oh no.
The voice, that one which makes Kendall feel even more miserable every time he hears is, is back.
Not now please. When I'm trying to make a decision.
You can't get rid of me. I'm you. You're me. You know it's true. You wanted to be alone. You choose it. You choose but you will always be only you. The little fucker who isn't worth a piece of shit. With help or without help you will be always you. It will be there in you always. It's in her, too. She just has learnt to hide it perfectly. She hides it behind her success and money. But it's there. The past is always there. You can't delete it.
No. I live for the future.
Kendall doesn't exactly understand what leads him but he is going with positivity and thinks about his father's words. He really tries to fight.
Even if it's there in her, she can live with it, whatever it is that she has got to deal with, she can make it. She owns the world, she has built it up and she is the queen of it. She is strong and everything that I am not but may I can make it if I accept the help. I can make it as well. Come on, just say it.
"Okay." His voice is so quiet that Elizabeth can only hear it because she is listening really hard.
A smile shows up on her beautiful face. It's already worth it for that smile. I can make her happy with doing what she wants?
"Great." She says snapping Kendall out of staring her. "He is my…" Elizabeth is forced to stop in the middle of the sentence because her door slams open and a guy storms in.
"Oh well, he is that friend." Elizabeth smirks and stands up. Kendall watches as they hurriedly meet in a warm hug. He can hear the man whispering something but doesn't understand.
"Are you okay?"
Elizabeth nods and pulls away. "Carlos, this is Kendall. Kendall this is Carlos Garcia my best friend and real good therapist who can help you with your issues if you feel up to it."
Kendall rises from his seat and holds out a hand. "Hello." He says. He is surprised that Elizabeth introduced him as 'Kendall.'
"Oh Kendall, nice to meet you. Please forgive me for a moment but I have got to steal Elizabeth." Carlos says and gently taking her hand they make it to another room which opens from her office.
As Kendall is waiting for them to come back he hears chatting from outside through the opened door. Ana's voice is that he recognizes and another man's voice that he cannot place to anywhere.
He steals a peek and spots a very attractive young man standing in front of the assistant's desk. He tells her some joke, Kendall guesses. She stands up and steps up to the young brunette. She lays her palms on his chest and says, "I'm glad you are here again. You think we could try something now that you are not working here?"
Surprisingly the brunette pushes her gently away, "sorry Ana. Told you that I'm not into that thing." He says and steps backward then turns his head toward Kendall.
His lays eyes on him for a few long seconds. God. This guy is checking me out? Ana sighs and sits back to her place, the phone rings and she has to pick it up. "Sorry." The man mouths to her once again. She nods and smiles sweetly but then turns her attention at the person she is talking to.
"Hi." The young brunette comes up to Kendall. "James Diamond." He introduces himself holding a hand out.
Kendall forces a smile to his face, "Kendall Knight."
"Where are Carlos and Elizabeth?" he asks peeking into the office over Kendall's shoulder.
Kendall turns and looks around, "well," he laughs, "they have disappeared and haven't turned back yet. You know them?"
"Oh yes. I know them and I'd like to know you as well." James sends a gorgeous smile to Kendall showing off his perfect teeth.
"Oh well." Kendall smiles awkwardly and blushing because James gets dangerously close to him no matter that Kendall is trying to get backward James is coming right after him keeping the closeness. "What—what do you want to know?"
Kendall embarrassed stands against the front of Elizabeth's desk; James is right in front of him with eager eyes. "Don't be so scared. I'm just curious about you. Never seen you here."
"Oh you know I'm new. I'm just now starting if I can deal with Elizabeth."
"Oh that won't be easy. Though I haven't worked for her, I know it's hard with her but she is a great pro, she knows what she is doing, trust her. Trust me."
"Okay, thanks." Kendall says scratching the back of his neck.
"So you're new." James lowers into the seat that Kendall used before. "Do you like guys Kendall?"
"Oh my God, James." Carlos rushes in half capturing the sentence. "Kendall, please forgive him. He sees a good looking guy and wants to fuck him immediately."
"I don't do such thing." James laughs and stands up. Elizabeth goes to him and they exchange a warm hug, the same as Kendall has seen with Carlos. They are apparently close to one another.
"It's okay." Kendall waves once he is over his natural embarrassment. "Actually it's really flattering that such an attractive guy like him finds me good looking."
"Oh boy, so you don't, do you? I mean don't like guys?" James tries again and Carlos punches him in the arm. James caresses the place where he got hit but smiles along at Kendall.
"No, sorry." Kendall answers and turns to Elizabeth who's standing next to James on the other side. "Is everything okay?"
"Yes. We just had something to fix." She answers. Carlos nods agreeing.
Kendall blinks, "okay." There has got to be more but it's okay. What else I can do? She's curious about my issues but she won't talk about her to me.
"Well, Kendall. I hear you would need someone to talk to. I can give you a few hours of my time if you feel up to it."
Before Kendall could say a thing, Elizabeth interrupts, "it's not a question of choice. He is going to talk to you and here the story ends." She declares.
Kendall looks around the room, first glancing at Carlos then at James he can see both guys nodding. "It's better if you don't argue." James adds. "Once I tried to skip a night when we three planned to take a dinner together, I had a job to do, but Elizabeth looked at me like this and she said I can't come here anymore to flirt with all of her employees if I dare skip a night with her. Better to oblige."
The blonde raises an eyebrow. "I got it. Okay."
"Good." Carlos says and fishes in his pocket. Taking out his wallet he soon hands a card to Kendall. "My number. We will fix an appointment later, okay? Now I can't take it out of mind, I have a lot of patients but I'm sure I can squeeze you in."
"You better squeeze him in, Garcia." Elizabeth snaps at him and both James and Carlos start to laugh.
"I will. Don't worry baby." Carlos says.
"Where do you all know each other?" Kendall asks out of curiousity.
"It's such a long story." James laughs.
Elizabeth turns to James, knowing him is enough to suppose once he starts to tell a story he wouldn't stop it for God's sake. "A long story and now we don't have time for that."
James pokes his tongue out at Elizabeth. She only grins responding.
Kendall feels a little left out but also he is amazed by this great friendship that he can see in the three of James, Carlos and Elizabeth. He quietly chuckles and pushes the card with Carlos' number on it into his pocket.
"Will you be okay then?" Carlos asks sounding more serious than before.
Elizabeth nods. Their eyes locked, they probably continue an entire conversation with each other with their eyes. Carlos sighs and offers his arms for a hug. "I gotta get back to my office then and James … well he sure has something to do as well. We leave you alone now. Call me if something happens."
"Okay." She steps forward and meets Carlos in a tight embrace.
Kendall watches them and loves the sight. Elizabeth seems like a real young, beautiful woman enjoying the company of her friends. This is how she should be looking all the time. Not the queen of the world type who needs to worry about everyone and everything. Just a simple girl having fun with friends.
After she exchanges a hug with James, too, both guys say good bye to Kendall with a handshake and a wave with warm smiles on their faces and they soon back out of the room.
Elizabeth stands and when the door closes she turns back to Kendall smiling, "let's get into work then."
Just as she says the words the door opens again. It's Carlos peeking in, "oh and Kendall, please take care of her. Good bye guys." With that he is gone again.
Me? Take care of her? How?
"What did he mean?" Kendall asks Elizabeth.
"Nothing. He's like a brother for me and likes the thought of someone being always around me. Someone who he assumes I can trust and so can he."
"I see. How do you know that you can trust me?" Kendall shots the question when she is in moving again toward her desk and picks up the phone.
She shrugs. "I don't know but you make me feel comfortable. Around guys I always have this feeling that I have to be scared of their intentions. You're something different. So much different. I have never talked to anyone about my dad, or about my past but you.. and Carlos but that is again something different."
"You didn't say much." Kendall says quietly.
Elizabeth sighs. "I already said too much. Now you know that I'm nothing like I seem to be. I was weak and sometimes I still am. Like this morning. When you came in with that look on your face I was scared to hell. I was sure I had the same expression. I'm friends with Carlos but he also is the pro who helps me. I don't like to admit it, I never do this, it's you making me feel like I have to tell all these things to comfort you, but I need help, too. And this morning I tried to push the help away, tried to help myself but Carlos being as awesome as he is, came here and checked if I was really okay. He is going to do it for you, too, anytime. You can trust him with everything you have. He won't tell me anything about your issues but his job is to make you feel all right. I need you to be all right so we can work together."
"What is it?" Elizabeth asks when Kendall is still quiet after long minutes.
Kendall only shrugs. "I can't imagine what the thing that you have gone through was. But I can see that it wasn't easy for you. But still you could make it through. I wish I would be that strong but every time I decide to be strong I just loose it. It's so hard."
"Carlos is going to help you. I promise."
Kendall remains silent. "What is it again?"
"Nothing, really." Kendall says.
"Come on." She encourages him.
"You won't answer anyway."
"Try me." She says. "With you I never know what comes in the next moment."
Kendall looks down at the white floor then turns his eyes back at her, "this is it. I don't want you to feel forced to talk. It's not my business anyway."
"You want to know what makes me feel how I said I felt in the morning. What was the thing I have been through? I know. I would love to know your reasons as well but you won't tell me either, I don't even expect you to do this. I know from experience that it's hard to talk. You and I are going to get well on, you know why?" She asks not even waiting for answer before continuing, "you'll be around to remind me that I have to go further and I'll be around for you to help you to see that it's always worth it to fight and try. We'll help each other."
I like you so much. Kendall wonders listening to her words. She is just the right person Kendall always wanted to find. She understands him, she is willing to help without being asked to do so. It's because she has been through something as Kendall, but still it really feels good for Kendall. His heart warms up only by looking at her, listening to her voice, her so caring voice, seeing her smile, and having her opening up…well trying to open up. But it's understandable for Kendall. He wouldn't talk about his past for all the money in the world either.
Someday we might share our sorrows.
You really want that?
No. Not again please. Kendall begs to his inside, he wants to keep still, he doesn't want another mood swing coming and ruining this moment. He doesn't want to be depressed, he wants to believe, he wants to make it.
He successfully pushes the voice out of his head with simply ignoring and not answering the 'question' that was addressed to him a second ago.
Rather than letting the voice bug him, he keeps admiring Elizabeth. Elizabeth. Why do even her friends call her Elizabeth? Not Lizy? I would call her that. That sounds so amazing.
Elizabeth wants to help Kendall. She remembers too well of the times when everyone around her wanted to help but no one could, they had never had true intentions, they wanted to use her to get the company. But then Carlos came, he has saved her, has become a friend to her, a brother, and now Elizabeth wants to guide Kendall. Even if she cannot be the person who Carlos is for her, she can be something, a good precedent for Kendall to follow. Even if after today and yesterday and the accidently coming up attacks which she is dealing with, she can be the hope for Kendall, she knows that. She knows how much it would have meant for her if there would have been someone for her to look up when she was down. As she is thinking about it more she thinks it's even an advantage as well. She isn't healed fully yet and they could help each other perfectly.
There is just so much to bear.
But she can make it.
She can make it again.
And she is going to help to Kendall, too.
The past is the past.
It never comes back if you don't let it.
She doesn't want to be ill again. She doesn't want more therapy. She just wants calmness and to find herself, to find someone who she can love and trust. Though she doesn't know how she is going to get there but the thought of the fact that she already desires it gives her hope. That reminds her of Carlos' words. You already know that you are going to need more to be happy, you desire love, company and you deserve it. The time when you realize this need, is going to be the start of something new and hard but something amazing. Just accept it and let it happen.
He said those words today a few minutes ago in the other room when she told him that she is scared of enjoying Kendall's company, that she assumes that the cause of her dream was Kendall. Not Kendall but all the feelings that came with him. Feelings that Elizabeth has never experienced, never even imagined experiencing them before she had met this blonde soon to be her newest star.
They look at each other in the eyes but then after a time when Kendall's gaze gets too intense, too understanding, too hopeless, Elizabeth bends her head and spots the phone in her hand. That reminds her that she wanted to make a call. A call to get started with Kendall's carrier, so then he would be smiling and enjoying life as a guy in his age should be. A call that would be the start of Elizabeth helping Kendall.
She presses the call button and waits for her assistant to show up on the line. Kendall keeps looking at her. She catches his eyes on her and glances at him questioningly.
"I admire you for getting here, for having all of this after whatever you have lived." Kendall says as an explanation for his staring even though Elizabeth has never asked him with words to explain.
She smiles, "and I admire you for trying to get somewhere whatever your issues are, to be brave enough for a start is always more than amazing to do. Just stick with me, okay? See where I am even if you don't know where I am coming from, see it and feel it and try to get here, too. Even if sometimes you notice I'm a human as you are and I get weak as well. I believe in you Kendall. Never forget that. Here in my company there is no judging for who you are. Here we are working on your future, to make you someone. All that matters here is the person you're going to be."
Elizabeth's words make Kendall smile. This woman has got so much hope and Kendall knows exactly where this is coming from. It's so obvious that someone cannot just be so hopeful if they haven't been through something hard and then they have healed.
Kendall wishes he only could help.
And Elizabeth looking at Kendall wishes for the same. All she wants right now is to help Kendall.
They both know they are going to work together amazingly.