Hey Gang! So first, thanks for all the reviews and alerts and favorites. You guys keep me writing :) Now this is a short one from Rachel's POV that I just had to get this one out while I work on a much longer one that will follow. So stay tuned.
Enjoy and as always, review.
disclaimer: I own nothing except Caroline.
"So how was your talk with Miss Sexy Ass Lopez?" Caroline asks me on our way back to our apartment after dinner.
"I swear you're either really good at faking gayness or you're actually gay. Or half gay. Or at least into girls in some way or another," I comment from the passenger side of the car. "And we didn't talk about anything really. Just me trying to be a director by maintaining control of my cast and crew as well as making sure I have the respect from all those working under me."
"I'm sure Santana wants you under her," she tries to say under her breath but quiet isn't really her forte.
"You do know you suck at whispering, right?"
"Okay, well then I'll just say it to your face. I said I'm sure Santana wants you under her," she practically yells.
"Okay. There was no need for that."
"Yeah well, whatever."
"Yeah well, whatever," I mock. "Besides, it's so not true."
"Not true? Are you seriously fucking kidding me right now?" I nod despite the fact that I know that Santana wants to get with me. Well, at least have sex with me. She hasn't exactly been subtle. She's made her intentions pretty clear since the day I was at the Blue Mic and she propositioned me. "You are such a fucking liar!" she exclaims. "There has been so much sexual tension between the two of you that I'm just waiting for the day when I see her out of your room in one of your oversized T-shirts."
"She used to like it better when I wore one of her shirts," I say without thinking. Caroline gasps and practically slams on the brakes.
"Excuse me, what?!" she screams, whipping her head around so fast that I catch some of her hair in my face and mouth.
"Dammit Caroline!" I yell, pulling blonde strands from my tongue.
"Sorry but what is this you say about her liking to have you wear her clothes?"
"Did I say that?" Shit.
"Yes ma'am you did." I mentally recap the last 2 minutes and... Dammit. I did say that. I really need to pay more attention to the words that come out of my mouth. Not like I have my entire life but still. Any more spills like that and I might just accidently reveal everything. And I am not ready to go back down that complicated clusterfuck of a road again. "So I feel like there's a hell of a lot more to you and Santana's relationship than just high school frenemies. A lot more. So spill."
"Not going to happen."
"Oh come on. We already know that Becka had sex with her and she's supposed to be straight. So sexually clearly couldn't have been a factor back then. Now I know you've only been out as gay for a few years now, but are you trying to tell me all that sexual tension I see sparking between the two of you is just in my imagination?" Yes. "That all that doesn't come from somewhere? A thought to be extinguished flame? Maybe a very dirty, freaky past?" She wiggles her eyebrows and I don't know if I want to roll my eyes or smack her across the face. I go with the non-violence approach and roll my eyes.
"Correct."
"Lies."
"No it's not."
"Liar."
"Will you stop sounding like a broken record?"
"Not until you talk." I shake my head. "Oh okay. Sure. That's fine. Keep denying it. But someday you're going to have to open up about what happened." Hell no, I don't. "It might even be therapeutic. It's clear that whatever went down between you two, really affected you both because in the last few years that I've known you, I have never seen you this bent out of shape. And it started right around the time Santana came back into your life. Now what I'm wondering is what was so bad that you won't even tell your best friends?" As she talks, I start of feel the all familiar twist in my stomach that I get when I'm about to cry. And sure enough, seconds later, I feel them start to well up in the corners of my eyes.
"I want to tell you guys. I really do," the tears start to tumble over my eyelids and slowly cascade down the front of my face. "But I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it. Because talking about reminds me that it happened and I can't deal with that."
"Well having Santana around already does that so might as well tell someone. It's going to happen eventually."
"Yes but eventually doesn't have to be now."
"How about you just give me the basics?" Damn she is persistent.
I sigh.
"Fine," I concede.
"Okay. If it'll make it easier, I'll ask some questions and all you have to do is answer them yes or no. Okay?" I nod. "Cool. So were you and Senorita Hotness ever involved in a relationship that was not platonic?" I nod, the tears flowing more freely. "Figured. Okay so how serious was this romantic relationship?" I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.
"We were together for almost an entire summer," I admit for the first time in years.
"Interesting. A summer fling. They happen all that time. Hell, I've had some many summer flings that I've lost count. So what went wrong?"
"I was with someone else at the time and in the end, I chose that someone else over her and she left." Why is this a lot harder to talk about than I thought? "Can we drop it now?"
"So you were with someone else, had a summer fling with Miss Sexy and then picked that someone else? Well damn. That's fucked up."
"Don't you think I know that ? Now can we move on? Please?" I beg.
"But wait, if you broke it off with her because of someone else, why are you so beat up about it?" Did she hear a word I just said? "Shouldn't she be the angry one who doesn't want to talk about it?" She was. But it's been nearly 4 years. Who knows what kind of emotional battles she's had to deal with over the years to get to where she is now.
Almost completely numb to the past.
"I mean, probably. But she wasn't the one who was dating two people at once. Only to choose to stay with the one who was worst for them."
"Wait, are you talking about that guy you broke up with at the end of freshman year? Uh, what was his name? Antler? Flipper? Dorsal?"
"Finn," I answer even though saying his name leaves a foul taste in my mouth.
"Yeah. Finn. Was it him who you left her for?" I put my head down and look at the floor of the car.
Flashback
"You're choosing him?!" I hear Santana yell from behind me. "After everything we've fucking been through together, you're just gonna fucking pick him over me and leave?" I start to respond but decide against it. Nothing I can say will make this any easier. So instead, I continue to put my things in my suitcase. "Oh. Okay. Sure. Don't fucking answer me. That's totally fine. Just run away like a little bitch."
"Santana that's uncalled for!" I snap, turning around to finally face her. Bad idea. Because the Santana I'm looking now isn't the same one I fell in love with. Clothes disheveled. Hair tossed up in a messy ponytail. Makeup smeared. Mascara colored tear stain trails down her face that I know I am responsible for. In front of me is broken woman. And I broke her.
End flashback
I shake my head violently to try to erase the memory. But all I can manage is to shut it up. For now. "Rach, are you okay?" Caroline asks softly, taking her right hand off the steering wheel and gently resting in on my shoulder. I continue to shake my head. "What happened sweetie?"
"I…I…I broke…broke her heart," I stuttered, choking back tears again. "I broke her." As we stop at a red light, Caroline looks at me and seeing the pained look on my face, reaches across the center console and pulls me into a tight hug. I had hoped that the hug would stop the tears but it only makes it easier to cry. "We're done,okay?" she whispers into my shoulder. I nod. "Okay. No more talk today. No more."
Okay, so that ended a little weird but oh well. Some levity ahead. What to expect next...
1. More of Santana/Alexa (Santexa? Alextana? Any mashup name ideas?)
2. More musical rehearsal with an interesting Pezberry duet
3. More on who Alexa really is
4. The return of Luis and Kevin
AND...
5. More flashbacks leading up to entire chapter devoted to "that summer"
So stay tuned.
Also, if you're also a Brittana fan, check out this story from one of my tumblr friends. I recommend it because it's really good so far. Here's the link to her story: /s/8549452/1/To-Brittany-With-love
Till next time
-Jenae