A/N: Many people are saying their relationship is confusing. And I agree because it's the beginning of this fic and their friendship hasn't gotten anywhere, but that's just it. It's only chapter 5 so trust me when I say everything I write has an answer. You just have to keep reading to find them out. The way I've written Brittany is a little OOC because she is pretty bitchy towards Santana, but don't worry because underneath that is the cute, humble Britt Britt we all love. I don't think I'll be writing a chapter in Santana's POV, but do not worry because I'll eventually be explaining why she is the way she is.
I really really really love the long reviews, you guys make my day. Thank you so much.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or it's characters. (I WISH I OWNED A HEATHER MORRIS THOUGH, SHE'D BE SWEET)
When I made it inside the school building I didn't expect to receive the attention that I did. It wasn't the desired attention, it was the kind of attention that I tried to avoid. But I guess rejecting Puck isn't as celebrated these days. It brings you all the wrong kind of attention.
"Guess she was too stupid to realise how hot Puck is," One cheerleader states to her friends.
"I heard she bit his finger off," One of the jocks laughs and hi fives his friend. I cringe and duck my head, trying to get as fast away from everyone as possible.
"Brittany!" I hear Santana call out. "Can you wait up a second?" I walk faster and faster until I'm sprinting away from her. Even though her locker is near mine I was determined to not confront her again today. I needed time to myself - to gather my thoughts and handle this situation I've been thrown in.
"Hey Brittany!" I bury my face into my locker, hoping the person would go away. "How many fingers did Puck get inside of you?" The guy growls.
"Hey!" Another one yells and pulls on my arm so I turn around to face his friend.
He holds up four fingers and I clench my jaw tightly. He shakes his head and scoffs, before walking off. "Bitch can't even count," He barks before disappearing out of view. I notice a few of his friends across the hall all laughing. But one of them, Mike Chang who I think is still in Glee club, doesn't join in. His expression almost looks sympathetic.
I never was book smart. Not even socially smart. But I was sure of one thing. Love was something everyone automatically knew, you didn't have to learn it.
When I was at home I was surrounded by love. I'd be so content and calm just sitting in the living room with Charlie or Scott or my dad while we watched a movie. I knew that every morning I'd have to get up and leave that love behind when I went to school.
Because at school, nobody cares what you're going through at home. You're nothing special in Lima, because everyone has individual problems.
I was almost at my locker, but I felt as though the ground I walked on was booby trapped. Every misstep would result in me falling flat on my face. Nobody would think twice to help me, comfort me. I was alone in this sea of naivety and rumours. I don't want to leave though. This school, these students; they're my life. Without them I'd be worse off. I'd go from being a nobody to being a someone. And someone's always get treated worse than nobody's. Because people pay more attention to someone's. Because nobody's float around in the background getting silently judged. It's a lose/lose, really.
I'm not sure how long I can survive the glares. Puck has probably told the entire school about my freak out. I shouldn't have looked at Santana. I should have closed my eyes. But when I close my eyes I see her anyway. The more I don't want to think about her in that position the more I do when my eyes are closed.
"Brittany?" I blink so fast and spin around that I almost lose balance. Rachel Berry is standing behind me. She looks so timid and nervous. What would scare her about me? I'm not who I was.
She was the leader of Glee club, the one that got put through hell the most. Apart from me. They kicked her out because she became too selfish. I left before I had a chance to see if they won nationals. I wouldn't have even got a big role to play in the performance, but it would have been nice to be apart of something special.
"Yes, Rachel." She's playing with her fingernails, avoiding looking me in the eyes.
"I heard you were back and I was just wondering how you are," She mutters and I have to strain my hearing to make out her words.
"Who told you?" It's the first question that comes to mind.
"Mr. Schue." She looks a little less afraid now that I'm actually making conversation.
"Cool, is he still coaching Glee club?" She hesitantly nods and her eyes are twinkling. Her lips twitch up at the corners and I can't help but smile in return. "Nice to see you Rachel," I add and place my right foot out front so I can spin around. She catches my elbow then shyly backs away when I face her again.
"What class do you have?"
"Spanish..."
Her face lights up instantly. "Me too."
I never even noticed Rachel in my Spanish class. Probably because she sits at the front of the class and I'm too preoccupied with Puck and sometimes Santana.
I didn't really have a choice of where to sit because Rachel was basically dragging me next to her with her huge grin. She seemed so happy that she was going to have a person sit next to her that didn't want to slushy her and I was somewhat happy having someone who legitimately wanted to talk to me and be around me.
When half an hour passed I realised who was missing from class. Puck and Santana. I didn't want to notice their absence and nobody around me seemed to care, but I was curious.
We had been set a task to do and I wasn't even half way through it because I just didn't get Spanish. Rachel had been trying to talk to me about a new club she was starting while finishing her work at the same time. I don't know how she did it and I couldn't be bothered asking her for help. All I could see was her mouth move and a bunch of sound come out.
I turned around, once again noticing the empty chair which Santana normally occupied. It was weird that I could tell what she'd be doing now if she was here. Her legs would be crossed, her hand would be under her chin and her nails would be clicking against the table. She'd sigh every 10 minutes because apparently she didn't need to take a class she was a fluent in.
Everybody would mock her and call her obnoxious. She was an outsider, just like me. But we were nothing alike. She only wanted to hang out with me because she needed friends or thought that I needed friends. Well now I have Rachel. As much as I want to cut off my ears and sell them on Ebay, she's better than listening to anything Santana has to say.
As for Puck, he'd probably be chatting up some poor Cheerio or making suggestive motions against his desk.
I hear a few whispers, which cause me to turn my gaze further around. A group of jocks are chuckling and pointing to me. Obviously Puck has told them about my freak out. I don't care though. Normally I wouldn't even show my face at school if something like this happened, but everyone knows about where I've been and what I've done, so I really have nothing left to lose.
Mr. Schue lets us out early. I head straight to the bleachers to eat my lunch. I know I'm not alone when I round the corner and see Puck edging Santana against the wall with his broad chest. She looks so small and terrified.
"You've fucked me before just do it again dyke!" He hisses right in her ear and I watch as she squeezes her eyes closed.
"Please," Santana replies through gritted teeth. Puck doesn't seem affected by her tone, because he responds with a devilish smirk.
"Fine," He pushes away from the wall and bends down to collect a full slushy cup. "Thirsty?" He smirks and launches the contents directly into her face. I don't know why I didn't stop him. But apart of me wanted it to happen. Does that make me a horrible person? All this time Santana's only wanted to be my friend.
But I know from past experiences that no matter how nice people are to you, they'll eventually fuck you over. Glee club proved that.
"I never fucked you sober you pig! You always had to get me wasted to get me in bed," Santana spat back and pushed at his chest. He hardly twitched because she was so weak. If we were both shoving him he'd be on the floor. I'm pretty sure I'm much stronger than Santana with all my years of dancing. Although I stopped several years ago I still maintained my fitness.
"Brittany!" I froze, literally stopped moving and breathing for a few seconds. Santana and Puck turned their heads towards the voice which was unfortunately right behind me. It was Sue. I turned and squinted at her. She waved me over and I didn't hesitate. I had to get out of there. They had seen me just standing there watching them and now they're bound to question me about it, well mainly Santana.
"Coach Sue," I addressed her politely because I didn't want her to spit out words that the other kids did. I knew she still had it in her. Her smile put me off however. It was more of a grin. A genuine grin from one Sue Sylvester.
"That's assistant Coach Sue tweedle dumb."
My jaw dropped because her personality had gone from devil in a tracksuit to a completely new, fresh, polite, smiling human being. So much had changed and I didn't even take the time to notice it.
"H-how, why?" I stuttered because I was in utter shock that Sue would proudly label herself as someone who worked for someone else.
"Well Jessica Simpson..." Okay she hadn't changed that much. "...There is a new coach who has some great ideas for the Cheerios and at first I was a little disapproving because nobody is better than one Sue Sylvester. But she proved worthy and I allowed her to take over as long as I get to watch her every move."
"That's pretty great," I replied, unsure of how to respond to her sudden chirpy attitude.
"You know Brittany," She folded her arms and pinched her lips together in thought. "I always wanted your athletic ability on my Cheerios. I watched you in Glee club and saw you dance and I knew I had to have you. But then you had to go and become one of Sandy Ryerson's minions so now I'm kind of glad you didn't infect my national winning squad."
"I'm better now," I stated, offended by her typical Sylvester slam. I called them that because if her words were people, that could tackle you and slam you to the ground until you couldn't feel anymore. She was one of the meanest, if not the meanest, person I knew.
"So am I," She winked and walked off in the opposite direction. Just then I heard a soft voice emit from behind me. Santana was sitting on an old couch tucked away under the bleachers. She probably put it under there to get away from everyone. Maybe this place was her safe haven aswell. That's one thing, one, we have in common.
She was singing softly to herself, unaware that anyone was still around. I'm sure she saw me talking with Sue. I'm sure she was singing so that I would come over. And it worked. I didn't say anything though. I sat on the opposite end of the sofa and rested my knees up against my chest. I held them close to me like a child would their teddy bear.
She was singing a song my dad liked. Wicked Game.
I liked it aswell, and her voice wasn't bad. I didn't really pay attention to her and she didn't really acknowledge me. We sat there as the bell rang out and stared at the blinding sun in the midst of the trees scattered around the football field. Her voice set the mood. It was husky and warm.
"What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way,
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you,
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way,
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,
I want to fall to in love
No, I want to fall in love
With you."
Her voice sounded so raw and light. I didn't know what I was feeling inside after she stopped singing but I had never felt it before. It was something that I feared, the something that I was deathly afraid when I would be around a guy. This was that moment and I wasn't prepared at all. All I wanted to do was float on her voice or be wrapped up in it like a silk blanket. But that was just her voice, it wasn't her. What was I thinking?
"You should join Glee club," I absent-mindedly said, still staring directly in front of me.
She paused immediately. All I could hear was my breathing, I'm pretty sure she stopped. I must have really hit a nerve there and she had said much worse to me.
Then she said something I wasn't expecting.
"Will you just be my friend?" Her lip was quivering. I think she was still getting over what Puck had done and what I had seen. I couldn't answer because thankfully she continued. "If you say no, I'll leave you alone."
"You just want my sympathy," I said bluntly, without any real expression in my voice or on my face. I couldn't quite understand her yet. I knew I wanted too, though. I hate myself for it.
"You're heartless," She whispered harshly, gritting her teeth. I didn't want to make her angry but her comment made me stand up abruptly. I wasn't going to let her talk to me like that. Her confidence had disappeared since I saw her on the bus and she held my jacket and scarf in her hands. And when she said there was blood trickling down my leg, I didn't want to show her my concern.
It was the gate. When I climbed over I had cut my thigh and the adrenaline kicked in so I didn't realise.
I'm not," It's all I could manage. I didn't let her speak again though because I began to walk away. Then I thought of something. "I don't know how you're related to Scott. He's so genuine and you're... A loser."
She breathed out sharp laugh which surprised me. I didn't move. I wanted to hear what she'd say next.
"Lima loser," She whispered, but I heard.
"What?" I ran my nails up and down on the pole beside me. She refused to look up at me.
"How am I the loser when everyone is talking behind your back and saying what a prude you are. Some are specifically saying that Puck had 4 fingers up your cunt but he got grossed out at how loose you were," She laughed again. I cringed. "I don't listen to them though, they're all fucking losers. Everyone in this town is. Don't think you're better than us because you survived some drug addiction and want to strive for a better life. Fresh starts don't mean shit. Trust me."
How did she know about me...
She patted her thighs and stood up. I watched her walk forward out onto the field without looking back. I didn't want to follow her, but I wanted to say something back - have the last word in.
"You don't know shit about me," I yelled. She stopped and turned around to look at me for the first time today. "I saw how scared you were around Puck, I know how vulnerable you can be."
She walked towards me, fast enough that I had to flinch when she stopped abruptly just a few inches from where I was standing. Her breath tickled my skin, not in the romantic way. I wanted her to back off.
"You can get out of here Brittany, because I know how much you want that. You can make it," She explained, her tone lighter than before. One corner of her lips curved up and she shook her head. "I'd just really like to be your friend. Will you be my friend?"
"No." I didn't hesitate this time. I didn't want to, I didn't have to, nor did I need to have her in my life when I do indeed get out of here. She was my sisters boyfriends sister and that didn't mean we had to get along. I didn't need anyone. I definitely didn't need her.
Her desperation to be my friend was confusing me the most. Charlie and Scott were friends for a while before they finally got together. Does Santana think if we're friends then we'll be something more? I doubt she's thinking that because her brother is dating my sister and we couldn't possibly date. I'm not into girls in the way she is anyway.
I sometimes wish I hadn't returned to Mckinley. Maybe it would have been better to start fresh at a new school. I don't know why I thought that nobody would remember or care that I had been stuck in a clinic most of my teenager life. I wish I could collect everything from my past and throw it all in a fire. Watch them burn and have everyone just forget.
I guess I just wasn't one of the lucky ones. The ones my mom always told me about that grew up with the world in their hands. I had nothing in my hands, not even sand between my fingertips because I hadn't gone to the beach with my family in so long. God, I wish everything was how it used to be. Everyone here seems bitter over someone else. I'm just bitter at myself.
"Why not?" She whispered, her head in her hands.
What was I supposed to say. I didn't hate her but I didn't exactly like her. She seemed as though she had low self esteem since she came out to everyone and it wouldn't be nice to say something that would make her feel even worse. It wasn't like I hadn't already told her my honest opinion, but I was even starting to get angry at myself.
I wanted to figure her out so bad. My parents always said that at an early age I had a passion for picking apart a persons characteristics and placing them back together like a puzzle so I could understand them.
"You won't die if we aren't friends Santana." It came out before I could think. It hit her, hard. Like a whole football team just slushied her. I didn't even have to look in her eyes to see that she was on the verge of crying. I remember what she had said to me that one time, you have it so bad don't you. Like she was implying that she had gone through something similar to me, or even worse. She wasn't one of the lucky ones either. I think she grew up with the world on her shoulders, weighing her down so that she'd always have to look up at people.
She wiped her hand over her mouth and sniffled. She was trying so hard not to cry. "Maybe you'll change your mind or something." She sounded small again. I've never felt so needed in my life. Not even by my family. She sounded full of hope too, something that I needed. Santana made me think about life through her eyes. All this time I thought that it was possible to go through life without needing a person beside you, but she proved that people do need others. She definitely needed someone. Why it was me, I didn't know. I don't think I'll ever know unless I actually let her in.
But it's unfair, this is all unfair. I want to think about myself for once and she's making everything difficult but I don't think she realises that so I shouldn't really be blaming her. I should blame myself, of course I should. It's all me. I just want to do well, not only in school, but in life. Making something of myself is my top priority, then my family and then maybe somewhere amongst my plans will be giving Santana a chance.
We had been standing in silence for just over 15 minutes. I waited for her to say something. I wanted to know what she was thinking because all I could do was think and occasionally blurt out something that I should have kept inside.
"I swear you'll change your mind." She didn't look at me when she said that. She smiled and almost let out a laugh. She spoke to herself mostly, but I knew she wanted me to hear her because she looked up at me for a second and nodded. Then she walked away and I wasn't sure whether to be angry at her persistence or just accept that she somehow believe I could actually like her.
I know that when I go to sleep tonight, if I ever do, her words will be running through my mind all night.
Thanks for reading!