Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or it's characters.

Enjoy!

p.s sorry for any mistakes, didn't get a chance to edit.

When Charlie and me would play princesses when we were young, I always fought over the bigger castle that dad had built in the backyard. It was made of timber planks and painted light brown because apparently I had an obsession with that colour. It reminded me of all the food I liked looking at but couldnt seem to taste. No chocolate, no meat pies and definitely no poo. Not that I even attempted to taste that one.

Because I was the younger sibling I thought I deserved more special gifts. My attitude made Charlie cry. Then my mom patted her on the back and told her it was okay. But my dad shot lasers with his eyes at my mom and told her it wasn't okay. My dad wasn't on any side, he just wanted my mom to be a better parent.

Neither Charlie or I could ever connect with her. We desperately tried too, because throughout the early years of school we witnessed so many mothers and their daughters crying together and hugging really tight. I wanted that and so did Charlie. But neither of us said anything about it, not even to eachother. I remember walking into Charlie's room once and she was giving her best friend Amy a massage. They both looked a bit shocked when I walked in, especially because I didn't warn them.

It looked normal to me though. Their position, their red faces and their heavy breathing. Charlie's hands were on Amy's thighs and Amy was lying on her stomach facing away from the door. Charlie was on her knees and when I looked at her she looked like she was caught doing something irretreavable.

We never spoke about sexuality because it never came up. Our family has a this thing where if we don't ask about anything, we don't speak of it ever. It's kind of a policy - a deal we all have. So after I saw Charlie and Amy in that position I just kept quiet. I didn't understand because I was so young and all it looked like was a simple massage. If I mentioned anything now about sexuality, the family would probably question me why. My dad would be the most understanding, my mom would act like she doesn't care but secretly want to slap some sense into me.

I love my mom alot. She can cook really well and she used to say she'd teach me. I'm still waiting, but I'm not in any rush. One day I'm hoping she hears my silent plea for her to be the mom I long for.

I'm into boys and as long as I know that then other people's opinions don't matter. Santana can flirt with me all she wants, but I won't get on my knees for her. No matter how many times I've fantasized about her in that position, I wouldn't speak about it to anyone. Not even Rachel. And she seems pretty trustworthy.

The thing about secrets is, once it's out there and atleast one other person knows, you have this burden. A burden that you'll carry with you forever, even if it isn't a large secret. Secrets are all that we can keep to ourselves and without them we no longer feel invincible.

My only secret was that Santana haunts my mind every minute of the day. If it's not in a fantastical sort of way, it's her words that play over on repeat. "Wanna lick it off?" That was the first sentence Santana had ever said to me. I wonder if it actually was what she was thinking. When I first saw her I noticed the colour of her hair immediately. Then when she turned to me I noticed her eyes. Some slushie was dripping from her eyelashes but I saw passed the mess and look at the brown in between the white.

If we were in one of my fantasies I would have answered her confidently. Because in another world other than reality I'm so different. I would have said, "Yes, I'd love to lick it off every dip, crevace and slope of your skin." Fantasy Santana and Brittany would be fun to play out. But it would not be real and I was fine with it. Because in reality I don't want her like I do in my fantasies.

It's been four days since I saw Santana in the locker room. She hasn't spoken to me since then. She smiled a few times, well smirked, and I shook my head and walked away. Because I don't want her to think we're closer now that I've seen and heard her masturbating or that I stared at her getting undressed. It was wrong of me and I admitted to myself that it was wrong. That's all I need.

I've been transferred into an art class because the class for philosophy was cancelled. The teacher had discovered she had a terminal illness and the class wasn't full anyway. The teachers just decided to cancel the class and I was hoping that I would have more free periods. But then Principle Figgins announced that my old class of eight people would be moving into different classes.

I was now sitting in Mrs. Hagberg's art class. She teaches alot of classes because of budget cuts and she's very talented in lots of subjects. I wish I could be like her, except I'd keep my looks. She looks a bit like one of those tiny monsters in Mario that you have to jump on and they always look angry. I just wish I was multi talented like her.

This was my last class for the day and when I finally settled into a seat near the back, someone walked in that I didn't expect.

Santana never told me she could draw. But then again only friends tell eachother stuff like that. Halfway through the lesson I looked over the large rectangular table at her art and I was amazed. There was a field with trees, that looked a lot like the football field here. Then there was a girl facing away from the picture. She had long blonde hair. I inwardly smiled because I had always wanted someone to draw me.

The last person I thought it would be was Santana.

I turned my gaze back to my work and continued to mix coloured crayons on the paper. I didn't really know what I was doing, but Mrs. Hagberg didn't look like she was paying attention to the class anyway. The girl beside me got up and walked to the front of the class to show the teacher her work. I noticed Santana get up from her chair also and in an instant she was beside me. She leaned forward in the stool she was sitting on and I turned my head to see what she was doing. Her fingers were tapping on the chipped, wooden table and she had a slight smile on her face.

I finished with the light brown on my drawing and put the crayon down.

"Hey, can you look at me for a minute?" She asked shyly. I decided to answer her, because I was sick of myself for having an attitude all the time.

"Okay," I mumbled and I twisted in my chair. Once I was looking directly at her she turned away and started scribbling something on a fresh sheet of paper. I didn't take my eyes off her though. Her teeth appeared and bit down on her bottom lip. Her eyebrows turned down as she concentrated on what she was doing.

She turned back to me and her eyes drew across my entire face. She licked her lips as her eyes drew over my lips. It caused me to swipe my tongue across my lips and I shuddered a little. She noticed this but did not say anything. She cleared her throat and went back to drawing. I finally just looked at the drawing and noticed that it was just one eye. It was the lightest, brightest shade of blue and she had even given me thick eyelashes.

I would have thought she would be drawing my lips by how much she stared at them.

Once she was done, she slid the paper inside a black folder and moved back to her seat. The drawing didn't even look done yet. Maybe she had all she needed and was just going to add and touch something up.

I hadn't got home until 6 that night because the bus was late and I decided to walk. Then when I was halfway down the street the bus drove past.

Charlie was in the kitchen with my dad and for the first time in a while Scott was staying at his own house tonight.

"Santana didn't want to stay alone again tonight so Scott took her out for a movie," Charlie explained.

"Why would she be alone?" I didn't know Santana's family life and I know that my dad always told me not to ask personal questions, but it just slipped out.

"Brittany," Charlie said my name in a really serious voice that made my skin crawl. I knew I had said something wrong. "Santana and Scott's parents don't live with them. They passed away when Santana was very young. She -" I could tell Charlie was having an internal struggle. She wanted to tell me something but I knew she felt bad.

That's what I loved about my sister. She was very kind hearted and understanding when it came to personal issues. I knew if we talked about what happened with her and Amy she'd close up, but if I spoke about my fantasies about Santana she would probably try to understand and be there for me.

I kind of wish Santana could have told me about her parents, because I like when people can trust me enough to tell me special things about them or their life. But I haven't given Santana a reason to trust me, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

"She just doesn't have it easy. Scott doesn't either. He takes care of her."

Then I thought of what of Santana had told me the first time I rode in her car. She said it was her dad's and maybe she was truthful about that, but not about the part where he lets her drive it sometimes. Maybe he used to let her, but she never mentioned that he wasn't around anymore. Not that she had to mention it, especially to me who wouldn't even give her a chance to explain. Then I thought of that thing she told me about me having it so hard and I finally knew what she meant.

"Let's go over there and surprise them before they get back from the movie." What the fuck was I saying? I was completely changing from the girl who despised Santana to a girl who wanted to do something nice for her?

I wasn't mean. I just wanted to think about myself for once. That's what this year was about. But I also want to remember the feeling of making another person feel good. And Santana had been there for me alot. Even if we weren't friends I could do this for her. I owed her anyway.

Charlie grinned so wide. "That's actually a great idea. I don't see Scott enough." I knew she was joking so I chuckled. I was finally happy and now I was thinking about how I didn't take those pills that that Cheerleader had. That made me think of Santana now. If she wasn't there I don't know whether I would have gone to great lengths to get the pills. But she was there and in a way she saved me.

I feel like a new born baby. Except without the goo and the ambilical chord attached to me. I felt fresh. Charlie was calling me to get into the car and I basically ran out of the door. It was kind of a shame that we were leaving the house now that dad was home but I really wanted to do this.

I told Charlie to hold on a second so I could run inside. I kissed dad on the cheek and told him we'd go out for a drive this weekend and he was really happy about that.

Charlie had a spare key to the house so we got in okay. She hadn't been there in a few weeks because Scott was always coming over to our house. If I was in a relationship I'd want to balance it out. But I can tell why Charlie didn't come here much. It was kind of eerie and cramped - well the hallway was anyway.

She flicked on a light for the living room and I smiled because it was really colourful. Pictures of Scott and Santana were scattered around the room and there was even a table for their parents where some candles surrounded a family portrait. I looked over at Charlie who was already staring back at me. I couldn't hide my grin because I was genuinly happy to be here and excited for Scott and Santana to get home.

I don't how I managed to break from my insecure shell. I wasn't thinking of only me anymore, I was thinking of Charlie and Dad and Scott and even Santana. She was going to be part of our family anyway so I knew I had to atleast tolerate her for now.

There were two slams of car doors outside and Charlie gestured for me to get behind the sofa. As we sat there in anticipation I suddenly remembered what Santana had told me about what Charlie and Scott had said to her before I went to rehab.

They told her to stay away. If I was going to get passed my past then I was going to have to forgive them. But I really want to know why Charlie would tell her something like that. I wouldn't have hurt Santana because I'm not a violent person. Yeah I had random outbursts and sometimes I'd lay on my bed for hours just staring at the ceiling. But I wouldn't have hurt Santana, not physically anyway.

Maybe she was worried that if Santana and I became friends, I'd pressure her or something stupid like that. I don't want Charlie to think that way of me and I don't think she does because now she actually wants me and Santana to be friends.

"The ending was absolute shit."

I giggled at Santana's bluntness as they walked through the door. Charlie grabbed my hand as we heard them coming closer.

"I turned the light off before we left right?" Scott asked and stood in the living room scratching his head.

"Surprise!" Charlie and I jumped up and Scott did the funniest thing I've ever seen. He squealed like a girl and through a couch cushion at us which hit Charlie in the face.

"Oh babe," His hand covered his mouth in shock. "I am so sorry." He placed a comforting hand on Charlie's shoulder and led her to the kitchen. Charlie just grumbled something about Scott not getting sex tonight.

Santana had been standing in the doorway the entire time. I think she looked abit shocked that I was actually in her house, standing in front of her with a smile on my face. As she stepped closer her eyes grew wider and I could almost make out the water flooding her eyelids. Was she about to cry?

"Don't touch the couch." Her tone was cold and I complied straight away. My hand snapped back fast by my side and my smile disappeared instantly. She noticed this and shook her head, almost as if she was apologizing.

"Sorry, I just..." She trailed off and looked toward the portrait by the candles. I followed her line of vision and I knew why she was acting different. I would too if someone I didn't know was in my house when I wasn't home. She had been in my room and at first I was completely against that. Now I think it would be okay, because I'm trying so hard to let people in - mostly my family.

"I'm very, very sorry." She turned her head to me and smiled. Only half of her mouth turned upwards but I was grateful.

"What are you doing here?" Now she was speaking normally again.

"I wanted to surprise you and Scott because Charlie told me you guys went out. I don't know why I thought of it I just thought it would be a good idea. Sorry if we scared you."

"You scare me," She replied almost instantly, making my mouth slightly open in awe. How did I scare this girl who was so confident and well put together? She seems a little crazy, but aren't we all?

"Why do I scare you of all people?" I asked out of pure curiousity.

She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth and laughed to herself. "I don't know if I can say," Her brown eyes met mine. "You might get freaked out like you always do when I come on to you."

"Why do you come on to me?" I licked my lips with anticipation. We were standing a fair distance away, just staring at each other. If Scott and Charlie came back out we'd look like fools to them. Nobody has conversations this far away unless there on the bus or something.

"The same reason why I'm scared of you," She replied in a way which made it sound so simple. Her shrug made it even more of a simple thing. I didn't interigate her any further.

We ended up back at my house because Santana felt uncomfortable for some reason. I think she didn't like change. Me being in the house was a big change from normally having only two people living there. Maybe that's why Charlie hardly went there anymore.

Scott let Santana drive us back home and we were about to cook some dinner when Santana suggested something to the entire room.

"Would it be okay if Brittany and I went for a drive?" She was smirking towards Scott who was glaring at her. He didn't really have much authority like Charlie did and I knew my sister would have something to say.

"Sure." I almost snapped my neck when I turned to Charlie. She was smiling sweetly and I instantly knew it was because dad had gone to sleep and mom was at her boyfriends house. She and Scott would basically have the house to themselves for a few hours.

"Okay," I said finally and Santana practically bounced on her heels. She grabbed the keys from her pocket and lea us to the car. She opened the passenger side door for me and I couldn't help but roll my eyes and laugh. Her behaviour amused me in the strangest ways.

I stretched my legs out and turned the heater on as soon as she started the car. The radio was low so she switched a few channels before turning it up really loud. I could hardly hear anything she was saying, but I think I heard the words 'drive' and 'cold'.

We had been driving for about 20 minutes before she pulled up outside a park. At night parks freak me out, but with Santana here I knew I would be okay. I didn't know why I felt like she'd protect me, but the way she treats me makes me think she'd do anything to save me from harm.

"Shotgun!" She squeals as she runs towards the swings. She sits on the one with the bigger seat and I'm left with the baby swing.

We're both trying to outswing each other, but my ass can hardly fit in the swing so it's sort of a challenge trying to beat her. We haven't spoken about anything really. She asked me if I was cold and I said yes. I noticed her taking off her jacket but I immediately shook my head.

This isn't some cheesy romantic comedy where the guy gives the girl his jacket. I didn't want her to think she had to make me feel special by caring so much and making it known that she did care about me. I just wanted to be in her company, it was as simple as that.

I skidded my feet across the floor to stop swinging and Santana had jumped off about a meter and a half away. I clapped for her and she bowed. She approached my swing because I hadn't gotten up yet. She put her hands on the chains and moved in close so her knees were touching mine.

I didn't think anything of it, because I was just happy that we were actually getting along. I wondered if we'd be like this at school. I also wondered why I didn't want to be her friend when she asked me. I was selfish, unwilling to let a stranger in. Maybe Charlie was right to not let her speak to me when we were young. I would've hurt her, emotionally. Because that's all I was good for.

My thoughts roamed to the night in my shower when Santana had walked in. She was sweet and I didn't give her a chance.

She was now pushing me on this swing like a mother does her child. Her knees would hit mine when she'd run forward and I'd close my eyes when I was swinging towards her because I didn't know if she was strong enough to stop me. She was though, and I was thankful.

I really didn't want to hurt her.

"We should go back," I said through a laugh as she slowed down the swing.

"Yeah, this was fun though." We shared shy smiles and wondered back to the car. She didn't open the passengers side door for me this time. The ride was silent, which I was okay with.

Charlie and Scott had turned all the lights off in the house so I used my phone to illuminate the darkness. We walked up the steps and I heard snoring coming from both directions of the hall. One was my dad and the other was Charlie.

"I wonder how Scott sleeps with Charlie's big nose," Santana joked, making me breathe out single laughs so that I wouldn't wake anyone up.

I was about to place my hand on my bedroom door when I turned around to look at Santana.

"You don't have to go home," I blurted out. She didn't smile. She just stared at me. I think she thought I was joking. I was surprised at my words also.

"Alright," She whispered in reply and followed me into my room. I gave her some pj's and put my own on in the bathroom. When I stepped out she went in and changed. It wasn't discussed where she'd sleep, she sort of just stood in the middle of the room when I climbed into bed.

"I'm too tired to find blankets," I said as a way of getting her to come to the bed. I wasn't desperate, in that moment I just kind of wanted her to stay. She nodded and seemed abit nervous. At school she could have anyone she wanted and seemed so confident when being intimate.

Now she looked so small and fragile. I didn't know what to do, I was completely frozen aswell. My mind was running like an express train. I so desperately wanted it to stop, any moment now.

Santana started to move forward and crawled in beside me. I immediately covered us up with the blankets and rested my head on the pillow to face her.

"I thought you didn't want to be my friend?" She asked once she settled beneath the covers.

"I never really gave you a chance," I replied and could only see half of her face that was illuminated by the moon peeking through the curtains.

I noticed her lips twitch up into a content smile. Nothing big, but nothing small either.

"One day I'll tell you everything," She said it so quietly I almost didn't hear her. Her voice was laced with sincerity and sweetnees and a lightness you could only see if you squinted heaps. In that moment I thought she was making a life time promise with me. The kind of promise lovers make when they're newly married and ready to start a life together.

I was hardly ready to start my own life let only share it with someone else. But for some reason I smiled at her words and even a single tear fell from my eye and hit the pillow. I have no idea why everything's changing, but something good has to come out of it because right now, being this close to Santana, feels really good.

Let me know whatcha think.