A/N: *holds everyones hands*

Jasper was alone - well, with the nurses - for a few hours before anyone appeared in his room. He had to admit he was a little relieved to see Lucy. First of all, they hadn't had time to reconnect. Secondly, he was completely unsure if he was up to facing either Alice or Edward for a little while.

"Hey, Luce," he greeted. "They tell me I should hobble around, try to get my legs to work again. You want to help?"

"Sounds like a good time," Lucy said wryly, but she was quick to help him out of bed.

With one hand on his IV pole and the other around his little sister's waist, she and Jasper set off down the hall.

"So what are you doing here?" Jasper asked, speaking through gritted teeth at the soreness in his muscles.

"Is that a trick question?"

"I mean," Jasper wheezed. "I was sleeping a long time. Don't you have a life in Texas to get back to?"

Lucy was quiet for a minute. She sighed before she answered. "Can't take it anymore, Jay," she said softly. "When Mom and Dad didn't come down to see you, I just had enough.

"It's just ridiculous," she fumed. "It's overdone. They didn't approve of what you did to Alice, didn't approve of why, but you're their son! They should have cared enough to see you one more time in case you..."

She cut off, looking up at him with tearful eyes. "I'm sorry," she said, taking a deep breath. "It's been really hard. You slept for a long time."

Jasper gave her a little squeeze. "Well... I can't rightly blame them for being angry over Alice." He shuffled forward. "I still can't wrap my head around that one. Leaving a pregnant woman just seems... cruel."

"Well, all that goes over my head, but I don't think it was as simple as all that."

"I guess it never is, is it?" he muttered.

"Either way, it wasn't like there was going to be a good time to do it, Jay. Is it any more fair to leave a woman with a newborn? An infant?" she pointed out. "Life isn't fair."

Jasper rolled his eyes. "You think?"

She bumped his hip gently. "If you're going to get all huffy about bygones..."

"You're a pain in the ass," he accused, but he smiled.

"Anyway," Lucy continued. "I'm done. I'm done with Texas. I'm going to move here."

"So where are you staying?"

She glanced at him as if he was stupid. "With you and Edward, of course."

"Of course," Jasper echoed, realizing he had no idea where he lived.

"Just for a while. It's probably ideal, because I can help you out when you get home," she said in a rush." She frowned. "Although, maybe that won't work out. I'm in the guest room right now."

"What's the problem with that?"

She looked up at him, studying him carefully. "There's only the one guest room... The guest room and the master bedroom."

"Oh. Right." Jasper stared forward, lost in that thought. The master bedroom he'd no doubt shared with Edward.

"Then maybe next semester I can get transferred to UDub or something," Lucy continued. "And I can look into on campus housing."

Jasper nodded, only half listening.

"So, Lucy... If I were to try calling Mom and Dad?" Jasper asked after a minute.

"You try every so often," she said tightly. "It's awkward, Jay. They answer, but they might as well not. They talk about the weather. Like you're just complete strangers making small talk."

Jasper's heart ached.

They got back to his room and talked a little about more innocuous things. After all, Jasper last remembered her as a thirteen year old girl.

The nurse arrived to transport him to get his head examined. Before she left, Lucy put a small stack of worn envelopes on the nightstand. "Edward gave these to me to give to you." She smirked. "He made me swear on pain of death not to read them. I didn't."

"Thanks."

Despite the fact the letters' mere existence terrified him, Jasper was grateful she'd brought them.

And grateful to Edward he'd given him the next piece of the puzzle and the gift of a little personal space.

~0~

"After Peter's death, you were in a really bad place," Alice told him later that afternoon. "It was the first time I just couldn't reach you."

At last, there was a reaction he could get his head around. He was still reeling from the news. He wasn't sure it had sunk in yet. Currently, the knowledge of Peter's death was a steady ache that flared with every beat of his heart. It wasn't crushing yet, but he was sure that was coming. It was just a matter of time.

"It was bad, Jazz. You were so lost in your own head. We could be in the same room, but you were miles away." She breathed in and out, in and out. "And finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I begged you to let me in. You tried to put me off, but I wouldn't let you drop it. Then... you told me. You told me about Peter and how you realized you were in love with him."

Jasper couldn't look at her. He was looking down, studying his hands, hearing the words but not letting them sink in.

"We argued. Well, I argued. We both cried. I asked what it meant for us. You said you thought you needed a divorce, that it was the only fair thing to both of us." Her voice shook.

Jasper's throat was tight, painful to swallow around. "I'm sorry," he said softly.

Alice wiped away a surreptitious tear, shaking her head. "You were right." She slipped her hand in his, and Jasper squeezed, wishing like hell he could change the past. "You can't love me the way I deserve to be loved while you're denying a big part of who you are," she said gently. "We can both wish it were different, but it isn't."

They were both breathing a little hitched. Jasper knew he was making this hard on everyone, hurting Alice making her recount these things, hurting Edward. His head spun, not knowing what to do about any of it.

Before either of them could reach any conclusions, quick footfalls had them straightening up, wiping at their eyes. Still, when Bella appeared in the doorway, her bright eyes and smile dimmed slightly. She looked between them, walking slower as she came in the room. "Is we sad?"

"No, baby," Jasper and Alice said simultaneously. They glanced at each other before looking back to their daughter.

Bella looked dubious, but she didn't call them on their lie. Instead, she scampered over, climbing up on Jasper's bed. "Mommy and Daddy says you can't 'emember everythings," she said, looking at Jasper for verification.

"That's right," Jasper confirmed, rubbing her back lightly.

"I took Daddy's phone so you can 'emember our favorite place. Look." She held up a cell phone, snuggling carefully against his side as she called up the video with surprising deftness.

The screen lit up with Bella just a little younger than she was now, waving enthusiastically. The screen shook, a very pleasant male laugh clear through the tiny speakers.

"That's me," Bella whispered for Jasper's edification. Jasper chuckled.

As he watched, he stepped on screen, scooping up the little girl and twirling her around as she screamed merrily.

"That's my favorite park," Bella informed him.

"I'm going to drop you in!" Jasper threatened on the screen, holding Bella above a chilly looking little creek that ran through the park.

"Papa! No! Daddy! Save me!"

The camera approached them and a "wrestling" match ensued. By the end, Bella had the camera and and was training it on Jasper and Edward who were rolling around on the grass. Jasper had the upper hand, then Edward.

The bronze haired man grinned - an astonishingly sly, sexy smile - and pinned Jasper's hands above his head, leaning over him.

The picture was shaky, being held by a five year old, but still. Jasper saw the way he looked up, his expression not so innocent.

"I win," said Edward.

On-screen Jasper lifted his head up off the ground to nip at Edward's lips.

Present day Jasper took the phone from his daughter with shaking fingers, pressing buttons until the video turned off.

"Bella, does Daddy know you have his phone?" Alice asked, her voice stern.

"He most certainly did not."

They all looked up to find Edward in the doorway, his arms crossed, his expression displeased. Bella immediately ducked, turning her head into Jasper's side to hide.

As he crossed the room slowly, Edward met Jasper's eyes only briefly, giving him an apologetic smile.

"You know you're supposed to ask permission before you take our phones," Alice reminded.

Bella looked up, her eyebrows furrowed. "I didask politely. Daddy said 'no'. But it's important for Papa to 'emember. It's our favorite park."

Her big, brown eyes welled with tears.

Jasper almost told her it was fine, just fine, but Edward spoke first.

"I know you want Papa to remember. You just have to trust when I tell you 'no' it's for a good reason."

"But-"

"Isabella," he said, meaning business this time.

She ducked again. "Sorry," she said sullenly.

Ducking a little himself, Jasper handed Edward back his phone, hardly able to meet the other man's eye.

"I'm sorry," Edward said quietly. "I wouldn't have wanted you to see that before you were ready."

Jasper swallowed hard and shook his head. "It was... It was a... nice video," he stumbled.

The smile Edward gave him was tinged around the edges with sadness. "Yeah. Anyway. I didn't mean to disturb you. Have a good night."

He left then, but not before Jasper saw him glance down at his phone, playing the video again.

~0~

That night, when Jasper was alone again, he sat up in bed, too restless to sleep. On his lap were Peter's letters, as of yet unopened.

He flipped them back and forth restlessly, running his fingers over the well worn edges. Obviously, he'd read these before. A lot.

These letters had changed his life once. Even though he knew the gist of what they contained, they still seemed nerve-wrackingly dangerous.

He laughed at himself.

What he wanted was already lost. If he accepted what his family, his friends, his own eyes were trying to tell him, he only stood to gain, if only a deeper acceptance of himself.

And maybe that was what was scaring Jasper most of all, if he was being honest with himself.

Nothing anyone had told him so far was a complete shock to him; their claims didn't strike him as so entirely unreasonable, they were ludicrous.

Tracing his fingers over Peter's familiar, messy scrawl, Jasper's heart gave a particularly nasty twist.

He leaned back with a sigh, finally letting the memories he'd been trying to hold at bay take him.

They were wrestling.

As long as Jasper could remember, he and Peter had one dream: to be army buddies. When they were little boys, they dreamed of warpaint and a soldier's glory. Slightly wiser as teenagers, they talked about the education the Army could provide - the things they would do.

So Jasper was particularly nervous about today.

Peter was on top of him, his hands holding either of Jasper's wrists, pinning his hands beside his head. He seemed startled as he stared down at Jasper. After a moment, his eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"You didn't let me win, did you?" Peter asked, an edge to his voice.

"No," Jasper answered truthfully. Part of him wondered why Peter wasn't moving to get off him, but then he wasn't uncomfortable in this position, so whatever.

Peter glared. "You better not be, Jasper. You wouldn't be doing me any favors. I need to be able to keep up with you, if we're going to get in together."

Jasper stared up, knowing he was going to hurt his best friend and not liking it. "Get off me, man," he muttered.

"Oh." Peter again seemed surprised at their position. Releasing Jasper's wrists, he rolled to the side and then to his feet.

Wracked with guilt, Jasper rose a bit slower. "Hey, Peter, listen..."

The tone of his voice must have caught Peter's attention because his easy expression faded, replaced by a look of concern.

Best to get it over with. "I'm not joining up," Jasper said flatly.

He heard the little noise Peter made - like he'd punched him right in the gut - but didn't look up to see the matching expression. "Alice and I... we're going to move to where she's from. Washington."

"You're moving to Washington?" Peter repeated slowly.

For some reason, though he was sanguine in his decision, Jasper felt completely wretched. "Yeah." He took a deep breath. "We want to get married as soon as we graduate."

Peter scoffed. "Married? You'll barely be nineteen!"

He finally looked up, leveling a glare at his best friend. "What are you, my mother?"

The look in Peter's eyes startled him. It was more hurt than anything, and Jasper's heart twisted, irrationally making him lash out in defensive anger instead. "This is my life, okay? This is what I want. Maybe I thought I wanted the army. It's a good dream, but now, I don't want to be away from Alice. That's the way it is."

Peter flinched, turning away quickly. "We've planned this since we were stupid little kids and now you're backing out..."

"This is my life," Jasper repeated.

Peter whirled, his eyes livid now and came forward. The expression on his face was angry enough that Jasper backed up instinctively. "This is my life you're messing with, too!"

He kept coming forward until Jasper was pressed up against the side of the house, and then he caged him there, his hands on either side of his head. He stared. Jasper was helpless to do anything but stare back, not understanding this tension that roiled between them. It wasn't anger - well, it wasn't only anger - but it was intense. His muscles were poised, but for what?

The anger drained from Peter's face as he searched Jasper. His eyes seemed to linger on Jasper's lips. "This is what you want. Honestly and truly, you're going to give everything up to run off to Washington with a girl you met five months ago. You're going to give up the plans we've had for years for that?"

It was more difficult than it should have been to speak. "Yes. This is what I want."

Peter stared at him for a long moment, the look on his face getting sadder. For a second, it looked as though he were contemplating something. Then, looking a little pale, he backed off and headed quickly away, leaving Jasper a little dizzy up against the wall.

Back in the hospital in Seattle, Jasper's eyes were closed against the tears that welled. He felt them leak out of the corner of each eye, trailing down his cheek as he tried to get a handle on his feelings.

He'd been desperate to marry Alice. He wanted to call it love, but what if it wasn't?

What if he'd just been trying to outrun something he couldn't stop?

Jasper wiped at his eyes, taking deep breaths. He picked up the first letter and took it out with trembling fingers, trying not to think about the hurt look on Peter's face.

Peter was different after that - more distant. Jasper remembered hating it, but not knowing what to do about it either.

Closing his eyes for another moment, he breathed in and out, before he unfurled the well-worn letter.

J -

It was nice seeing you again. Weird. You're all domestic, which I guess is what happens when you get married.

Man... doesn't matter how many times I think about it, plan it in my head. You know I was never great with words - always with actions. Would things have been different if I kissed you that day? The day you told me you were going to marry her? Well, of course they would have been. You probably would have broken my nose. Then I'd whistle when I breathed, and we wouldn't be friends at all.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. It's probably news to you that I wanted to kiss you that day, right?

Well, here's another fact that'll probably blow your mind: I always want to kiss you.

The truth is... I'm in love with you.

I'm so many thousands of miles away, and I'll probably never get the balls to mail this letter, but those were the five hardest words I've ever written.

You don't know how many times I've told myself I wasn't going to do this. I know I have no right. You're married after all. You say you're happy.

The thing is... I've known you for a long time. When you tell me you're happy, it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself.

Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part. Either way, now you know. I love you. I've loved you for a long time. Fuck if I know what to do about it, but it's true.

In my line of business, I can't help but understand how short life can be. Too short to not take the chance. So there it is - without expectation. If you could ever want me, I'm yours. I think I could make you happy.

- P

Jasper read and reread the letter until the words blurred.

On first pass, he'd felt furious and indignant. He remembered that visit - a little over two months ago to his memory - remembered how Peter seemed a little incredulous that he and Alice were doing fine. How fucking dare he accuse Jasper of merely pretending to be happy with Alice?

He was happy!

But then Jasper read the letter again and again.

He couldn't deny the pure elation that went through him as he let the words sink in.

Peter loved him.

It was a giddy, overwhelming feeling that, for a second, made him so happy he could barely breathe.

Followed quickly by utter devastation.

Jasper would never see Peter again. Whatever this letter could have meant to them, that potential was gone.

WIth his hands over his eyes, Jasper wept quietly, reeling. His heart was breaking.

Because as he read those words, what he most wanted to say, were Peter standing right in front of him, was, "I love you, too."

A/N: Soooo it can be a thankless job being my prereader. I'm glad jessypt, naeleny and jfka06 put up with me.

SO! What are we thinking, kids?