"Morning, Pammie! Sleep well?" startled Ivy from her slumber the next day. The truth was she hadn't slept at all well the previous evening, thanks to Harley screaming most of the night, and was now trying to catch a brief nap on the beach in the sun. But her expectations were once again foiled by the Joker, who smiled as he approached her with Harley leaning adoringly on his arm.
"Yes, fine," snapped Ivy. "Harvey and I missed you at breakfast. At another restaurant, of course. It was just the two of us, and his two little girlfriends."
"That must have been a barrel of laughs!" chuckled Joker. "Did you ladies compare notes?"
"We didn't talk," replied Ivy, simply. "They don't speak English."
"Wow, really sorry we missed that no doubt incredibly awkward and entertaining meal!" he laughed. "I'm sure Harley and I could have thought of a way to liven things up, eh, Harl?"
"You always know how to excite people, Mr. J," she breathed.
He kissed her cheek. "So where's Harvey now?" he asked.
"Gone back to his hotel to change," she retorted. "They should be joining us shortly. He suggested we spend a day on the beach, and frankly I need the relaxation."
"Oh goody, maybe we can still have some fun after all!" chuckled Joker. "Swimsuit time, Harley girl!
She squeaked in delight, clapping her hands as they stripped off their clothes to reveal their bathing suits underneath. Harley rushed back to the hut and returned a few moments later with a couple towels and an umbrella, which she set up in the sand with the towels unfolded underneath it. She also had a bottle of suntan lotion, which she held out to Joker. "Wanna grease me up, Mr. J?" she giggled.
"Always a pleasure oiling my Harley's gears," he replied, grinning. Ivy felt she really shouldn't be watching this – the way Harley shrieked and groaned as Joker rubbed lotion into her made the whole thing just seem filthy.
He slapped her bottom at last. "All done, kiddo. Go play."
"Don't you want me to return the favor, Mr. J?" she asked. "You know how badly you burn, puddin'."
"Nah, I'll just stay here out of the sun," he replied.
Harley frowned. "But wouldn't it be a good idea to put some on anyway, puddin'? Your skin's so fair and sensitive…"
"Nothing about me is fair and sensitive," retorted Joker. "I said I'll be fine, Harley. Don't nag me."
"I really, really think you should put some on, Mr. J," she said, firmly.
"And when was the last time I cared what you thought?" he retorted. "Just leave it alone, Harley."
"You will burn, Mr. J, and you'll be all cranky just like you always are when you get a sunburn!" she snapped. "And I don't wanna put up with you when you're cranky, so put some on right now!"
"You'll put up with what I tell you to, and like it!" he shouted. "Don't tell me what to do, you worthless dame! Just get out there and have some fun, dammit!"
He seized her and kicked her out onto the beach. "You dumb jerk!" she shouted, standing up and shaking her fist at him. "You can just peel the skin off your back yourself this time!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," he muttered, lying down on the towel and reaching for his book. "You ever read this, Pammie? The title's kinda misleading. It ain't very funny, just sorta a long poem. I keep waiting for the punchline."
Ivy looked over to see he was reading Dante's The Divine Comedy. "I don't think it's meant to be funny, J," she retorted. "I think it's a metaphor. Or maybe comedy was just different back in the 14th-century. Like how stuff that was funny in the 20s isn't funny today."
"Hey, the silent comics were hilarious," retorted Joker. "Chaplain and Keaton were goddamn geniuses, and I won't hear a word against them."
"Well, you're of that generation though, aren't you, J?" asked Ivy, grinning. "An older generation that appreciates the older comedians. Y'know, safe, bland, inoffensive comedy."
"There's nothing bland about slapstick!" he growled. "It's people in pain – what could possibly be funnier? Here, I'll show you. Harley!" he shouted, reaching for a good-sized pebble. "Think fast!" he shouted, throwing it at her. It struck her in the side of the head and she shrieked, falling over. Joker burst out laughing. "See, Pammie?" he gasped in between laughs. "Hysterical!"
"You ok, Harley?" exclaimed Ivy, getting up and rushing over to her.
"Yeah," muttered Harley, rubbing her head. "It ain't funny, Mr. J!" she shouted.
"Don't tell me what isn't funny, you stupid girl!" he shouted back. "Or I'll come over there and show Pammie some real slapstick by slapping you around!"
"You can't – you'll get sunburned!" she retorted. "Cause you got skin like a girl!"
He stood up and Harley giggled. "Time for some fun, Red!" she exclaimed. She ran down the beach, screaming in delight, as Joker chased after her. He caught her at last, throwing her down onto the sand and holding her head under the water.
"J, stop it!" cried Ivy.
"Relax, Pammie, Harley enjoys a little suffocation," he retorted, grinning. "Doncha, pooh?" he asked, dragging her up by her hair. She choked and sputtered, gasping for air, but nodded.
"Rightaroonie, Mr. J!" she gasped.
"That's my girl!" he chuckled, shoving her head underwater again. He laughed and Ivy sighed, leaving them to it and returning to her beach chair. She lay back down, shutting her eyes and trying to ignore the clown's laughter.
"Hi, Pammie," growled a familiar voice.
"Hello, Harvey," she sighed, opening her eyes again to see Two-Face dressed in swimming trunks, half black and half white, with the two women accompanying him, dressed in bikinis. "Good to see you're still enjoying the local culture," she muttered.
Two-Face ignored her, laying his towel down and sitting on it while the two women began applying sunscreen to him. "Why is J drowning Harley?" he asked, noticing them.
"Because they think it's cute," retorted Ivy.
He shrugged. "Just as long as they keep taking it out on each other and not anyone else," he growled, lying down. "My reputation here has already been pretty damaged from the incident last night. I don't want them to ruin it completely."
"Harvey!" exclaimed Joker, as he and Harley returned to the chairs, dripping wet. "Good to see you again! And buon giorno to the two senoritas too! You three have a good night?"
"Yeah, it was nice, thanks, J," replied Two-Face. "You and Harley sleep well?"
"Didn't get much sleeping done, Harv," he chuckled. "And neither did Pammie, I imagine."
"I was right next door," explained Ivy, smiling without humor.
"You should try getting a room at my hotel," said Two-Face. "I'll ask if they're booked up, if you want."
"Thank you, Harvey, but I can handle my own accomodation," snapped Ivy.
"Just trying to help," he muttered.
"Well, I don't need your help!" she snapped. "I'm not some helpless, dependent, dumb blonde like Harley!"
"Hey! I ain't dumb!" retorted Harley, angrily. "And I ain't a natural blonde!"
"Could have fooled me on both counts," retorted Ivy.
"Y'know, Red, you got a real attitude problem ever since coming here!" snapped Harley. "Maybe the sun ain't good for you after all!"
"I've got an attitude problem, Harley, because I spend my life dealing with you people and your personal melodramas, and all I wanted on this vacation was to spend a few brief weeks relaxing by myself! I just want some time alone!"
"Yeah, well, you're gonna end up alone at this rate!" retorted Harley. "Guys don't like girls with attitude problems!"
"Are you giving me relationship advice?" snarled Ivy. "You, Little Miss Pathetic, who'll take any abuse this disgusting creep deals out because you're so completely dependent on his approval?"
"At least I got a man!" she shouted. "You couldn't even keep Harvey, and he's got plenty to offer a girl! And I don't just mean emotionally!"
"I told you not to mention it again!" shouted Joker, slapping her across the face.
"Everyone just calm down!" growled Two-Face. "I don't want anymore fighting! We don't want a repeat of last night, do we?"
"Speak for yourself, Harv," replied Joker, grinning. "I thought it was a blast! But maybe you're right – it's neither the time nor the place for an encore. Now, pooh bear, the plant's just cranky 'cause she ain't been watered enough recently," said Joker, patting Harley's head. "You mustn't mind a thing she says – that's just the desperation and loneliness talking. Now go play in the sand, like a good girl," he said, kissing her.
Harley squeaked happily and cuddled him. "I'm gonna build a sandcastle, puddin'!" she exclaimed. "You wanna help me build a sandcastle?"
"Daddy will watch from here, pumpkin pie," he replied, lying down and picking up his book again.
"Ok. You will watch me, won't you, Mr. J?" she pressed.
"Of course, cupcake, you have my undivided attention," he replied, keeping his eyes fixed on the book. "Off you go, baby."
She rushed off happily. Two-Face noticed the book Joker was reading. "Didn't figure you for a poetry kinda guy, J," he said, surprised.
"I ain't," he retorted.
"Then why are you reading Dante?" he asked, puzzled.
"Cause I didn't know it was a goddamn poem!" snapped Joker. "I ain't ever heard of it before, and the title sounded promising!"
"You ain't ever heard of Dante?" asked Two-Face, surprised.
"Look, college boy, some of us didn't swan around in fancy schools most of our lives on Mommy and Daddy's money!" shouted Joker.
"And to be fair, even attending college doesn't guarantee an intelligent person," said Ivy. "I mean, look at Harley."
"Are you watching, Mr. J?" called Harley, waving at him.
"Course I am, you dumb broad!" he shouted, ignoring her. "So why don't you shut up, Harv, or talk your fancy Spanish with the babes, and just mind your own goddamn business! Jerk," he muttered, returning his attention to the book.
Two-Face stared at him, then shrugged and lay back down, speaking Portuguese to the women. Ivy sighed and shut her eyes, hoping for a nap, however brief.
"Puddin'!" called Harley.
"That's a great sandcastle, baby," replied Joker, not looking up from his book.
"No, puddin', I ain't started the sandcastle yet!" she exclaimed.
"Well, get to work, you lazy waste of space!" he snapped.
"I can't, puddin'!" she whined. "You have to come see!"
"Pammie, go see what she wants, will ya?" he asked Ivy.
"I'm not puddin'," she retorted, dryly.
"Puddin'!" whined Harley again, stamping her foot.
"All right, all right, keep your shirt on, you useless, clingy, needy…" he muttered, standing up and coming over to where she stood near the water's edge. "What?" he snapped. "What is it?"
She pointed into the water, her face white. He looked and saw a fish swimming in the shallows. "Yeah?" he snapped. "So? It ain't a shark or anything!"
"I don't like fish, Mr. J," she whispered, pale. "I can't go in there and get wet sand if there's gonna be fish!"
"Yeah, well there are a lotta fish in the ocean, baby," he retorted. "What do you want me to do about it?"
"I dunno," she murmured, tears in her eyes. "I wanna build a sandcastle, baby! But I can't because of the stupid fish!" She sobbed, burying her face in his chest and crying.
He sighed. "Don't cry, pumpkin, Daddy will make it all better," he said, patting her head. "He'll make all the nasty fish go away. You just stay here, my silly little girl. I'll be right back with a surprise."
He left the beach and Harley returned to the others. "Where's J gone?" asked Ivy, opening her eyes.
"To get something to make the fish go away," replied Harley, beaming. "Cause I don't like them. Mr. J's such a thoughtful guy!" she sighed.
"What do you mean make the fish go away?" asked Two-Face, sitting up in alarm.
"I can't go in the water to get wet sand for my sandcastle, because there are fish, and I don't like fish," explained Harley, patiently. "So Mr. J is gonna make them go away."
"How?" demanded Two-Face.
"It's a surprise!" exclaimed Harley, beaming. "I just love Mr. J's surprises!" she said, clapping her hands and giggling. "Can't wait!"
"That doesn't sound good," muttered Two-Face, standing up. "We have to find him and stop him before he causes another disaster."
"We?" repeated Ivy. "I'm not doing anything. I'm spending today relaxing on the beach. You can have your little girlfriends help you find him."
"Pam, I'm really not in the mood to argue," growled Two-Face.
"And I'm really not in the mood to chase after J and prevent one of his stupid schemes," retorted Ivy. "You go, Harvey, if you care. But I'm not moving."
"Pam, I'm asking you as a friend," he snapped.
"We are not friends!" she shouted. "At the moment I don't want any friends because they can't seem to leave me alone! You are the man I made the unfortunate mistake of dating once, and have regretted every day since! I don't owe you anything! So go chase after the lunatic if you want, but don't expect me to help you with it!"
Two-Face stared at her, then growled and stormed off with the women following him. "Gee, Red, that was a little harsh, don't you think?" asked Harley.
"Just shut up, Harley, I heard enough from you last night!" she growled.
"Fine," sniffed Harley. "I don't need you. I'm going with Harvey to find Mr. J. You stay here and enjoy being alone, Red. You'd better get used to that, after all."
Ivy tried to think of something hurtful to say back, but she was too tired to be witty. She shut her eyes and sighed, trying to fall back asleep. But as the minutes and hours passed, she found she just couldn't drop off. Somewhere deep inside her, her conscience reprimanded her for being cruel to Two-Face and Harley. They hadn't done anything to deserve that, not really. If anyone deserved her anger, it was J. She shouldn't have taken it out on those two like that.
She sighed again and opened her eyes at last, intending to go find them and apologize. But she didn't need to. As she stood up, she saw the Joker by the water's edge, whistling to himself as he poured a tank of something into the ocean.
"What are you doing, J?" Ivy demanded, rushing over to him.
"Getting rid of the fish," he replied, nodding at the tank. It was full of liquid Joker toxin which spilled out into the water and dyed it bright green. As she watched, bodies of dead fish bobbed to the surface of the water, poisoned by the toxin.
"Guess there ain't plenty of fish left in the sea for you, eh, Pammie?" he chuckled.
He continued laughing as the toxin spread out into the ocean for miles, and the dead fish followed in its wake. "J, what the hell are you doing?!" shouted Two-Face, running over to him across the beach with Harley at his heels.
"Look, pooh, the fish are all gone!" he replied, ignoring Two-Face and beaming at Harley. "You can build your sandcastle now, baby!"
"Aw, Mr. J, you're just the greatest!" exclaimed Harley, leaping into his arms and giggling. "Destroying a whole ecosystem just for me! I'm a lucky, lucky girl!"
"You can't just…you can't…you did…why did you…" stammered Two-Face, staring at the destruction in disbelief.
"Aw, c'mon, Harv, you gotta admit, it's kinda pretty all glowing and green, ain't it?" asked Joker, grinning. "Kinda romantic, eh, Harley girl?" he murmured, smiling at her.
"It sure is, Mr. J," she breathed, kissing him.
"And all the dead fish is making me hungry," he continued. "Should we go to dinner?" he asked, turning to the other two.
Two-Face gaped at him, then growled. "Yeah, let's beat it before they realize it's our fault," he muttered, hurrying away. "Though it won't take the World's Greatest Detective to figure it out. C'mon, everyone."
Two-Face and Ivy were silent at dinner, glaring at Joker and Harley as she cooed over him, ruffling his hair and feeding him from her plate while planting little kisses on his face.
"Where are your dames tonight, Harv?" asked Joker, grinning. "Did you fail to live up to expectation?"
"They're at the hotel," he growled. "I don't want anyone here associating you with me more than necessary."
"Then why are you at dinner with me?" he asked, grinning.
"So I can keep an eye on you," growled Two-Face. "I don't know what kinda trouble you could get up to on your own. Somebody has to keep you in line."
Joker chuckled. "Nobody's been able to do that yet, Harvey!" he laughed. "I'm a wild card! That's why I'm the Joker! Spontaneous and unpredictable!"
"And gorgeous," purred Harley, nuzzling his face.
"I thought you were on vacation!" snapped Two-Face. "Can't you take one day off from being the Joker? And just be, I dunno, a regular guy on vacation?!"
"A regular guy?" repeated Joker, astonished. "I don't mind telling you, Harv, I'm a little insulted! Me, a regular guy! Wouldn't even know how to begin acting like that!" he chuckled.
"I love my puddin' just the way he is," murmured Harley in adoration. "Don't try to change him, Harvey, he's just perfect."
Two-Face opened his mouth to argue more, when the man at the bar announced in English, "Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for our karaoke session. If anyone would like to sing, please come to the bar now."
"Karaoke!" shrieked Harley, leaping to her feet excitedly. "I love karaoke! C'mon, Mr. J, let's go!" she cried, seizing his arm and dragging him off toward the bar.
The moment they were gone, Two-Face turned to Ivy. "Pam, you have to help me control the clowns," he muttered. "I don't want them completely ruining my reputation here. I've been coming to this place for years, and I don't wanna have to stop because of those lunatics."
"Control the clowns?" repeated Ivy. "You're asking the impossible, Harvey."
"Look, Pam, I know we're not friends…"
"I wanted to apologize for saying that, actually, Harvey," interrupted Ivy. "I didn't mean it – I was just cranky because I was tired. I'm sorry. We are friends, well, I guess we are anyway, if you think of me as one. And I don't regret dating you. Not at all, in fact."
She fell silent, and the feeling in the air was slightly awkward before Two-Face cleared his throat. "Well, thanks, Pammie. And of course we're friends. And I do need your help with the clowns. You know them better than I do – isn't there any way you know to control them, even a little?"
"Believe me, Harvey, I've tried," replied Ivy. "And no, no way I've discovered. Just pray things don't get much worse. I don't see how they can."
"Whaddya mean we can't do that song?!" shouted Joker suddenly, seizing the barman by the collar. "My little girl wants to sing it, and what my doll wants, my doll gets, comprehende, sport?!"
"It's not on the machine…" began the barman.
"Then get some of these losers to play it!" shouted Joker, gesturing to the band who had been playing background music over dinner. "Can't be too hard to figure out – it ain't Beethoven! You guys!" he shouted, turning to the band and pulling out his gun. "You're the One That I Want from Grease. Play it, Sam!"
Under the threat of violence, the band actually did a commendable, impromptu performance of the duet, and Joker and Harley sang their respective parts with surprisingly precise swing dance moves, almost as if they'd practiced and prepared it beforehand. When the song was over, even Ivy was impressed, and burst into applause. At least until Joker started suddenly shooting up the room and most people in it, laughing maniacally.
"What the hell are you doing?!" shouted Two-Face, furious, over the gunfire.
"Ain't that how the movie ends?" Joker asked, as he stopped shooting, genuinely puzzled. "With a bloody massacre?"
"No, of course that's not how Grease ends!" shouted Ivy.
"Huh. Must have misremembered the film," Joker said, shrugging. "Or maybe it was just how I wanted it to end. It's how I want most movies to end!" he chuckled. "And most evenings, in fact! Like this one! What a perfect day! C'mon, pooh bear, let's hit the sack. All that singing and dancing and mayhem really takes it out of you, don't you think?"
"Yeah, it does, Mr. J," sighed Harley, yawning. "See ya tomorrow, Red and Harvey. Night night!"
Two-Face and Ivy stared after them. "If you find some way to control them, you can have my hotel room," growled Two-Face. "And I'll sleep in the hut next to them."
"Done," said Ivy, shaking his hand.