Ivy's plan for controlling the clowns was very simple – take them into the Rainforest, entrap them in some vines, keep them there until the vacation was over, at which point she would release them. She was sure they could survive until then, and if not, she was past caring at this point. Harley had once again kept her awake by screaming about revving her up all night, so she deserved whatever she got. And she had wished for Joker's painful death on numerous occasions. If it finally came to pass, it would only be for the best for everyone.
So the next morning, bright and early, Ivy dressed and went over to knock on their door. "Beat it!" shouted Joker.
"J, it's me," said Ivy. "Harvey and I are taking a trip to the Rainforest today if you wanna come with us."
"Pammie, I know you're stupid, but I didn't know you were deaf as well," snapped Joker. "I said beat it! Harley and I didn't get much sleep last night and you don't wanna see us cranky, trust me!"
"Yeah, I didn't get much sleep either, thanks," retorted Ivy. "But it'll be a once in a lifetime opportunity, J. And it just wouldn't be the same without both of you there."
"I'm going to use some strong language, Pammie, because apparently you're too thick to get the message without it. Fuc…"
"Hang on, Mr. J." And a second later the door opened and Harley stood there, dressed in a red bathrobe and beaming at her. "You mean that, Red?" she asked. "You really want us there?"
"Course I do, Harley," replied Ivy. "Why does that seem strange?"
"Just all your talk earlier about how you wanted to be alone on this vacation and how you didn't want us around and everything," said Harley. "I'm just so glad you changed your mind. I think we've all had a lot of fun together so far, haven't we, Red?"
"Oh, it's been a laugh riot," replied Ivy, forcing a smile.
Harley smiled back. "It's nice to hear you say that, Red," she replied. "It's nice to feel appreciated. And I appreciate you, Red, I really do," she said, hugging her tightly. "C'mon, Mr. J, let's get dressed," she said, turning to the bed. Joker had the pillow over his face and growled.
"You go if you want, Harley. I'm staying here."
"Hey, she said she wanted us there, you jerk!" snapped Harley. "Both of us! It's Red's vacation too – the least we can do is make her happy!"
"I'm not in the mood to go traipsing through the jungle!" he shouted, ripping the pillow from his face.
"Wow, J, you really do burn easily," said Ivy, shocked at how red his normally white face was.
"Gee, thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious!" he snapped. "Now get lost!" he shouted, rolling over.
Harley looked at him, then turned back to Ivy, smiling. "Scuse me for just a second, Red," she said, shutting the door.
Ivy heard lots of muffled shouting, followed by the sound of punches, and objects, presumably Harley or Joker, or both, being thrown against the wall. This fighting and shouting went on for some time until Ivy sighed and knocked again. "J, the Rainforest is a really beautiful place that's really special to me. I just wanted you both to share my happiness at seeing it. But if you don't want to, that's fine, Harvey and me will go on our own. Just thought as someone who likes to spread joy and laughter, you'd enjoy seeing this place that's so important to me, and so close to my heart."
The door was thrown open, and Joker stood there, fully dressed and smiling, despite the cuts that covered his sunburnt face. "We'd love to come, Pammie, of course," he said, beaming. "C'mon, Harley, hurry up! The plants won't wait!"
"Coming, Mr. J!" said Harley, limping over to join him at the door, covered in bruises.
"Nothing starts the day right like a good, old-fashioned fight, eh, Harley girl?" he laughed as they followed Ivy away from the huts.
"That's right, Mr. J," she agreed, beaming at him and kissing him. Then she clapped a hand to her mouth. "Almost forgot my camera! Back in a second!"
"Harvey's going to drive us in his car – should be picking us up soon," said Ivy as Harley rushed off.
"You two have got this pretty well planned out. Spend a lot of time organizing it last night after we went to bed?" asked Joker, casually.
"We did organize it last night, yes," agreed Ivy. "Had to go to a different bar though, obviously."
"Could have gone to his hotel room, I'm sure," said Joker.
"For the last time, J, we're not here as a couple!" shouted Ivy. "Anyway, his room contained two other women, last I checked! Could have been awkward for everyone!"
"Oh, c'mon, Pammie, you're seriously trying to tell me you're not adventurous in that way?" he chuckled. "I have heard stories, y'know."
"You shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet, J," retorted Ivy. "Not that you even know how to use the internet, because you're ancient. I've heard stories too, stories that you're past your prime as a criminal. That people think Gotham's Clown Prince of Crime needs a reinvention, a makeover for a younger generation. If you're not careful, you'll end up with your face cut off and put on someone else."
"I hardly think that's likely, Pammie," he retorted. "I'm the joke that just never gets old. Everybody loves classic Joker."
"Especially me," sighed Harley, returning with her camera hanging around her neck. She kissed his cheek fondly as Two-Face suddenly drove up in a Land Rover.
"Y'see!" exclaimed Harley, gesturing to it as Two-Face got out and opened the doors for them. "That's a compensation car! You can see why I thought Harvey had a small wang, can't ya, Mr. J?"
Joker hit her again, hard. "For the last time, stop talking about it!" he shouted.
"We'll need an all-terrain vehicle for going through the jungle," growled Two-Face. "It's just practical, nothing else. And good morning to you too, Harley."
"Morning, Harv!" she replied, beaming and rubbing her cheek. "And I'm sorry for thinking you were less of a man all these years. Thought Red must have been mooning over nothing…"
Ivy raised her hand to hit her this time, but Joker beat her to it, striking Harley again and snapping, "Get in the goddamn car, you useless dame!"
"Morning, J," said Two-Face as Joker climbed in the backseat after Harley. "Caught a bit of sun, I see."
Joker didn't respond except to growl at him. "Morning, Pammie," Two-Face muttered, avoiding her eyes.
"Morning, Harvey," she replied, going around the other side of the car and getting into the front seat. Two-Face got in and drove off. There was silence for a long time.
"That was a really impressive performance you gave last night," said Two-Face at last, turning to Joker and Harley.
Joker giggled. "That's what she said this morning," he laughed, nodding at Harley.
"And I didn't mean the singing and dancing," murmured Harley, gazing at him, adoringly.
"He knows! That's the joke, you dumb blonde!" shouted Joker, his face suddenly falling. "You don't explain the joke, or there is no joke, I've told you a thousand times!"
"I did mean the singing and dancing," continued Two-Face, ignoring them. "Didn't know you could do either, J."
"Puddin' can do anything he puts his mind to," sighed Harley, dreamily. "I thought you were just like John Travolta, Mr. J."
"Yeah, I guess I am," agreed Joker. "Except he's a scientologist, so nuttier than me. A whole heap of crazy, those guys."
"You relate to the story of Grease much, Harley?" asked Ivy, dryly. "The story of a perfectly capable and intelligent young woman who twists herself into whatever fantasy the man she's after wants fulfilled, abandoning her own dreams and hopes and personality in favor of satisfying him?"
"Y'know, Red, I never thought about it like that before," said Harley, impressed. "But I guess it is kinda our story, huh, Mr. J? A good girl turned into a bad girl by a very bad boy," she murmured, nuzzling Joker's face.
"Except the guy in it is actually young and attractive," retorted Ivy. "Two things your Danny Zuko is missing, Harl."
"Got the hair though," retorted Harley, ruffling his brylcreemed hair fondly. "Cept it's green and all."
"Is that why you do your hair like that, J?" asked Ivy. "Because you're from the 50s and you still think it looks cool?"
"It do look cool!" snapped Harley. "So what if it ain't fashionable anymore? That don't mean he ain't just the cutest, most handsome, most gorgeous man you ever saw," she breathed, leaning forward to kiss him.
"Just get off, Harley!" Joker snapped, shoving her away. "I ain't some punk kid from some crap musical!"
"See? J agrees with me. He's too old for the role," said Ivy, smiling smugly.
"Y'know what would be great?" said Harley, her eyes shining in excitement. "The next time we're all back together in Arkham, we should maybe put on a production of Grease! Mr. J and me could be Danny and Sandy, you could be Rizzo, Red, and Harvey could be Kenickie…"
"We're not a couple!" shouted Ivy and Two-Face at exactly the same time.
"Ok, ok, geez, don't be so touchy, you would just be playing a part," muttered Harley. "I think it would be a lotta fun! What do you think, Mr. J?" she asked, beaming at him.
"I think I'll only do it if we can end it with a bloody massacre, like last night," replied Joker.
"Um…ok…puddin', we could always rewrite it, I guess," said Harley, slowly. "Who would massacre them, Mr. J?"
He shrugged. "The Commies, I guess? They were a big problem back then."
"You'd remember," snorted Ivy.
"Maybe have a Soviet air-raid, a helicoptor on stage or something," continued Joker, ignoring her. "Whaddya think, pooh?"
"How would we do that at Arkham, puddin'?" she asked.
"I dunno, Harl, it's your bright idea," he retorted. "You figure it out."
She nodded and looked out the window, humming Greased Lightning. "You'd look really hot in tight black leather, Mr. J," she sighed at last, wistfully.
"I will literally pay anything never to see that," growled Two-Face.
"Agreed," retorted Ivy. "Why don't you stop thinking, Harley, and just enjoy the scenery? It's really beautiful here."
"Yeah, it really is!" exclaimed Harley, reaching for her camera. "We ain't got views like this in Gotham!"
"It's all a bit too green and fresh for me, pumpkin," replied Joker. "Y'know, sunshine, clean air, it ain't really for me."
"Yeah, you can't really handle sun very well, can you, J?" asked Ivy, grinning.
"I told him to put on some sunscreen," said Harley. "Or he'd be cranky. And you are cranky, ain't ya, puddin'?" she murmured, pinching his cheek.
"Just shut up, you dumb blonde," he muttered.
"It ain't just his face," she continued. "He's pretty red everywhere. But if I'm honest, I kinda enjoy picking sheets of dead skin off his back. It's just so erotic, really, ripping that soft, tender flesh away from his spine, slowly, slowly peeling it down, away from the firm muscles underneath…ooh, baby, I'm getting excited just thinking about it!" she giggled, cuddling him.
"Pammie, tell me I can stop the car soon, because I think I need to vomit," muttered Two-Face.
"Yeah, Harv, anywhere you want along here," said Ivy.
They stopped driving and everyone got out. The jungle was all around them, living, breathing with hundreds of varieties of plants and animals scurrying and rustling around. To Ivy, this was truly paradise, and she took a deep breath, savoring the silence and the beauty.
"What a dump," said Joker loudly, looking around. "All dirty and muddy and damp. It's disgusting."
"Aw, don't be such a grump, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, looking around and beaming. "It's beautiful, just beautiful!" And she began snapping picture after picture, setting off the flash each time. "C'mon, puddin', pose for one! Gimme a smile!" she said, turning to him and flashing the camera in his face.
"Jesus Christ, Harley, you nearly blinded me!" he snapped, shoving her away. "Go torture someone else for once, will ya?"
"Red? Picture? C'mon, let me get one of you and Harv," she said, smiling at them.
"We ain't…" began Two-Face.
"She knows," interrupted Ivy. "And if she doesn't by now, there's no point repeating it."
She posed for one photo and then slipped away while Harley was still attempting to get a picture of the Joker. Their annoying voices receded into the distance as she got deeper into the Rainforest, enjoying the atmosphere, and more importantly, the quiet.
She reached a clearing, where she felt the plants around her breathing, communicating, yearning. "Hello, babies," she murmured. "It's been a long time. But Mommy's home."
They came rushing toward her, vines, leaves, plants of all kinds, clinging and caressing her. Ivy sighed at their touch, feeling safe, feeling whole and one, feeling loved. "Mommy needs a favor," she whispered. "She needs you to keep a few meatbags here so Mommy can have some peace and quiet. You'll do that for Mommy, won't you, babies?"
They whispered to her, assured her, embracing her. For once since this vacation had started, Ivy felt truly happy, relaxed, and at peace. "Thank you, babies," she whispered.
"Red, we wondered where you…had…gone…" Harley trailed off as she, Joker, and Two-Face stumbled upon the sight of Ivy being clung to and caressed by plant-life. "Oh…my…God…" stammered Harley, her eyes wide.
"Jesus Christ," muttered Two-Face, astonished.
"Well, this is awkward," chuckled Joker. "Sorry to disturb you, Pammie! Didn't know you were in flagrante with the plants!"
"It's not like that," snapped Ivy as the plants receded.
"Sure it ain't!" laughed Joker. "This is the real reason you wanted to be alone on vacation, ain't it, Pammie? I thought it was for you and Harvey, but I can see you prefer your companions less human. It's a bit of a kinky fetish, I'm not gonna lie, but I ain't a man to judge, though it might be the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."
"The only digusting thing here is you!" shrieked Ivy. "And I'm sick of you ruining my vacation! Anytime I get even the slightest chance for a little peace and quiet, you have to come along and ruin it! Well, you're not going to do it anymore! I'm not taking it anymore! You're going to…"
"Bat!" shouted Joker, whipping out his gun and firing behind Ivy's head. She turned, expecting to see Batman, and was even more startled to see an actual bat flying away from them.
"J, what are you…"
"I don't like bats!" he shouted, rushing after it and shooting at it with Harley running behind him, snapping photos. Ivy and Two-Face chased after them until the bat disappeared into the treetops. Joker chuckled. "Scaredy bat! Scaredy bat! You can't hide from Uncle Joker! Come out, come out, wherever you are!" he called, studying the trees.
"J, this is a nature reserve," growled Two-Face. "You can't just go around randomly shooting animals!"
"Maybe you can't, Harv," retorted Joker. "I can do whatever I want on my vacation, as I think I explained earlier. Anyway, did you see the size of that monster? It's probably a vampire bat. I'd be doing everyone a favor by killing it."
"Vampire bat!" shrieked Harley, terrified. She clutched Joker's arm tightly. "It's gonna suck my blood, puddin'! Don't let it suck my blood, Mr. J! You have to protect me!"
"There, there, pumpkin pie, Daddy will kill the mean old nasty bat, don't worry," said Joker, patting her head.
"Vampire bats don't even drink human blood!" shouted Ivy. "And they're protected, J, because they're endangered, like most things in the Rainforest! So put the gun away before you do some real damage!"
"Don't worry, Pammie, I'll try not hit any of your lovers," chuckled Joker. He fired up into the canopy of trees, but no bat appeared. "He's playing Batsy's game of hiding in the shadows," he chuckled, reaching into his jacket. "And the Lord said let there be light!"
And before Ivy could stop him, he threw a grenade into the trees. It exploded, taking out a mass of plants. Ivy heard and felt each one of them shriek and writhe in agony and she fell to her knees, gasping from the pain.
"Red! Red, what is it? Are you ok?" cried Harley, rushing over to her in concern.
Ivy couldn't prevent herself from crying anymore. The pain was too overwhelming. "You…" she breathed, looking up at Joker through her tears. "You…evil…monster! They've done nothing to you, and you…you…destroy them like this! My babies! My precious babies!"
She sobbed. "Red…" said Harley, trying to hug her, but she shoved her away.
"Leave me alone! All of you! Just leave me alone!"
She rushed off, sobbing. Before she was quite out of range of hearing, she heard a shot, and Joker's triumphant exclamation of "Got him!"
She ran faster, trying to lose herself in the tangle of plants and foliage. Trying to forget that she ever had to deal with the likes of them again. People, horrible, noisy, destructive people, monsters, the lot of them. Hurting her sweet, innocent babies like that, beautiful creatures that had never done anything to hurt anyone. She could feel their agony as real as if it were her own, until at last she fell down on the jungle floor and cried.
She didn't know how long she was was there, but it had grown dark by the time she left the jungle and made her way back to the hut on the beach. She entered it, hearing raised voices from next door. Angry voices, and the sound of fighting. But it could be worse – at least they weren't having sex. Having the fact that she was alone rubbed into her was the only thing that could make today worse.
Suddenly she heard their door slam, and then a rapid knocking on her door. "Red!" called Harley's voice. "Red, are you there?"
Ivy sighed, and went over to let her in. "Hello, Harley," she muttered.
"Oh, Red!" sobbed Harley, leaping into her arms and crying. "I'm so glad you're back!" Ivy was touched that she was so upset over her absence, and hugged her, feeling a little better.
"It's ok, Harley," she murmured. "I'm ok."
"Well, I ain't!" she sobbed. "It's Mr. J! He's such a jerk! He's been in a mood all day, just 'cause he was too stubborn to put on sunscreen, like I told him! And I kept telling him I was right, and I told him he'd be cranky, which he is, and now…now he's kicked me out, Red!" she sobbed.
Ivy stared at her. "Harley…you're not upset because I was missing, are you?"
"Huh? Oh, sure I was, Red," she replied. "But then this happened and it's even worse! The worst thing in the world! Mr. J's kicked me out! Who knows if he'll want me back! I don't know what I'll do without him, Red! I'll just die!"
Ivy felt her anger growing. "You've come crying to me…because the selfish creep has kicked you out, as usual? You're glad I'm back because I'm your little shoulder to cry on, is that it?"
"Well…yeah, Red," she replied, puzzled. "Don't that make you feel special?"
"It makes me feel used!" she shouted. "I'm not here just to deal with your constant personal melodramas, Harley! I came here to get away from all of that! And I'm still on vacation, dammit! So you sort yourself out, for once!"
And she left her alone in the hut, storming off in the direction of the city. This wasn't something she wanted to do, but she didn't see any other choice at the moment. She would have to see if she could stay with Harvey.
She reached the door of his room and knocked, praying that she wasn't interrupting him with his women. He opened the door a minute later, thankfully fully dressed, and holding a glass of scotch. "Pammie," he said, surprised, and, she thought, relieved. "Glad you're ok."
"Thanks," she retorted. "Can I…um…come in?"
"Yeah, sure," he replied, holding open the door for her. She entered, looking around the nice hotel room. It was, to her surprise, empty of anyone else but Two-Face.
"Where are your girls tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, them," he muttered. "I…um…sent them away."
"Why?" asked Ivy, genuinely surprised. "Isn't that every man's dream, to have two beautiful women who want him?"
"I guess," shrugged Two-Face. "There were three of us when we were together – I didn't like that. I like twos, y'know, pairs. Couples. It just didn't work with three."
He downed his scotch. "You want a drink?" he asked her.
"Yeah, that'd be nice," she replied. He poured a glass for her and another for himself.
"So what brings you here?" he asked.
"I was hoping I could sleep on your sofa," she said.
"The clowns at it again?" he asked.
"No, they've had a fight," she retorted. "And I didn't feel like dealing with Harley's emotional breakdown tonight. I'm on vacation."
"Sure, I understand," he replied. "Well, of course you're welcome to sleep here, Pammie. You should have asked a long time ago. Don't like it when you can't sleep – you get cranky."
"I don't think it's just the lack of sleep that makes me cranky," sighed Ivy. "It's been a helluva vacation, Harvey. Everything I wanted to do has been ruined by those two. It's just not fair."
"Well, what did you want to do?" asked Two-Face, sitting down next to her on the sofa.
"I wanted to relax," she replied. "Have some peaceful, quiet time to myself. Which admittedly I did get today, even though I was sobbing my heart out."
"Anything else?" he asked.
"Oh, I wanted to go to the Carnival in Rio," she sighed.
"You can still do that," he said. "Wear a mask. Nobody will be able to find you. J ain't the World's Greatest Detective, y'know."
"Yeah, I know," she said, managing a smile.
"Anything else?" he repeated.
She stared at the glass. "I wanted a fling with a guy," she murmured. "Any guy – it didn't matter who. Just a purely physical thing, y'know, just to enjoy being a woman again. Just to feel that I'm attractive and worth having, and, honestly, just to have some fun. You probably don't understand that."
"Why wouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well…cause you are objectively attractive, I guess," she retorted. "At least, Harley thinks so," she added, grinning.
"Pammie, I'm a man with half a face," he retorted. "Whatever assets I may have otherwise, women don't exactly fall into my arms. Anyway, if either of us is objectively attractive, it's you."
"Is it? It doesn't feel that way sometimes," she murmured.
"Are you kidding?" he murmured. "You're a knockout, Pam. I dated you, remember, and I have excellent taste in women. The first time I saw you, it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I admit I have a thing for redheads, but it ain't just that. It's everything about you – beauty and brains and confidence all rolled together. That's every man's dream."
She did smile, genuinely this time. "You're a sweet guy, Harvey," she murmured. "I forget why we broke up sometimes."
"Because you're also stubborn, defensive, annoying, meddling, nosy, suspicious, bossy, and tyrannical," he retorted. "And because our egos get in the way of our relationships. We don't work as both supervillains and a couple – one of us has to be the dominant one, so we can't be in the same profession. And neither of us is prepared to sacrifice our careers for each other. That's just who we are, I guess."
"I guess," agreed Ivy. "Yeah, I remember why we didn't work now. Still, it wasn't a total loss. We had some fun times, didn't we?"
"Yeah," he agreed. "There was a lotta fun."
They were both silent, sipping their drinks. "Y'know, Pammie, we are on vacation," he said at last. "You remember what I said to J? About asking him to be a regular guy on vacation rather than the Joker?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I think he was telling the truth, Harv. He can't separate his persona from himself – he is the Joker, and that's all there is to him."
"I know," he replied. "I was just wondering…if we could."
"If we could what?" she asked.
"Separate our personas from ourselves," he replied. "Y'know, not be Poison Ivy and Two-Face for a little while. Just be, for a few short weeks…I dunno. Someone else. A regular guy and a regular girl. A man and a woman. On vacation. Who just met, maybe. Might be nice."
"Yeah," agreed Ivy, slowly. "Yeah, it might be…fun."
He held out his hand to her. "I'm Harvey," he murmured.
"I'm Pamela," she whispered, taking it.
And in a moment, they were in each other's arms, mouths and hands searching and desperate, yet tender. Harvey picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, pressing her gently down onto the sheets as she wrapped her legs around him tightly, mouths never separating. Oh, this was paradise, she thought, as she felt her clothes come off, reaching out to undo his. She was finally having exactly what she wanted on her vacation. Getting away from it all, and having a little fun too. And that, she thought, lying in his arms afterward, was definitely fun.
"You're beautiful, Pamela," he murmured in her ear, kissing her.
"And you, Harvey, are incredible," she whispered, grinning.
"I hope we can do this again sometime," he said, smiling.
"Well, I don't have any other plans for this vacation," she replied, looking up at him. "Would you like to share it with me? It's better than being alone, after all."
"Yeah," he agreed, cuddling her gently. "Yeah, I'd like that."
They kissed tenderly. "Goodnight, Harvey," she whispered, snuggling into his arms.
"Night, Pamela," he whispered, embracing her tightly.
Ivy shut her eyes, safe and secure in his arms, and smiled. This vacation was turning out all right after all.