The Memories of a Life We've Yet to Live – Part Four
Pairing: Lily/James
Chapter: 4
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to JK. The first title from part one is from Cinematic Orchestra's 'To Build a Home' and the title from the second is Stars' 'Heart'.
Summary: For James, it had all passed too quickly: one moment he was trying to win Lily's heart, the next he had it, she became his wife and had his baby. But then just as quickly as he had won her over, a monster came knocking at his door, wanting to take it all away. Screaming and unwilling to accept his fate, he wishes that he could have prevented it all.
Meanwhile, in another world, a Seventh Year James stares into the Mirror of Erised and encounters something that will change everything, and force him to make the hardest decision he will ever have to make.
A/N: It's been a year since I have updated this story, for which I am sorry. I have actually had this languishing in my folder for all that time, but hadn't got it to a point to which I was happy with. I've actually not been able to write fanfic for almost a year, having had no desire to write at all. Luckily I think that has passed. I also got a lovely review from powerofthename, which promoted me to get this back out and finish it. I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, and I admit that I have lost momentum with the story and believe it won't end up quite how I imagined. But I thought I better post this than nothing at all. Thank you for being patient and I hope you enjoy it however lacklustre this is. Also, I apologise for any errors as this has not been beta-ed.
Part IV – Something to Believe In
His friends' eyes are bewildered but demanding, and as Sirius throws off the rest of James' cloak, they grow emphatically more so.
James casts a look between Sirius and the mirror. His older self has suddenly vanished, leaving behind only more questions.
"How long have you been standing there?" James demands.
Sirius' expression is indecipherable. "Long enough to want an explanation."
I don't owe you anything, James thinks angrily, before realising that maybe he does.
His friend continues to look at him, his demeanour softening ever so slightly. "What is all this, James?"
The denial is on James' lips: it's tempting and the easiest answer, but Sirius' use of his given name throws James off course. Sirius hasn't called him James in longer than he can remember. For him to do so highlights to James how serious this all is and how important his answer is to his friend. He knows Sirius expects him to lie and he half expects to himself, but he's sick of all the lying and keeping things in the dark. Before this whole incident James had no secrets between his friends.
He looks at Sirius. He studies his mistrustful eyes and analyses the face of someone who seems to be turning into a stranger. He feels the growing chasm between them and the weight of carrying this burden pressing down on his shoulders. And then he tells Sirius everything.
The room is cold, dark and uninviting, yet the two of them remain there, sat on the hard floor, in front of the blank mirror and Sirius isn't saying a thing. Or rather, he's trying to form words and is failing. James watches in apprehension and waits for Sirius to react. He expects his friend to bolt out of the door at any moment, but counts every second that he doesn't as a blessing.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Sirius asks after a while.
James looks astounded. "Are you kidding? All of this is fucking mental. Half the time, I don't believe this is happening to me and I sure as hell didn't expect you to believe it either."
"Yeah, well, if I hadn't seen evidence..." Sirius casts a glance at the mirror, which remains blank. "Seeing an older you in the mirror was definitely an eye-opener."
James snorts. "I imagine."
"You know, I was convinced you were acting the way you were because your priorities had shifted; that being Head Boy was suddenly the be all or end all and an attempt to harbour Evans' attention, and that us lot came second best to her and your new life."
"I could tell and I really wanted to explain the truth, but couldn't." He looks at his friend. "You do know that you, Moony and Wormtail would never not be important to me, don't you? That even though I'm Head Boy now, I would never prioritise that over you lot."
"Ah, I see you fail to mention Evans' name there. So clearly you don't mind if we come second to her," Sirius teases.
James gives him a pointed look.
"Yeah, I know mate. I mean, I had doubts, definitely. But I know now and I'm glad, and I'm definitely glad that you haven't turned into some prissy swot."
"There's still time," James muses.
"What are you going to do about all of this?"
"I haven't got a bloody clue."
"I'm here for you; you know that, don't you? And I'll help you in any way that I can."
"Yeah, thanks, mate." James feels relieved to have someone helping him out and even more relieved to know his friend is on his side again.
"I'm still having trouble believing that you and Evans get together."
James snorts. "I know, me too."
"And that you two have a baby."
"It would be laughable, wouldn't it? If it didn't end so tragically, that is." He lets out a sigh and the two of them both look at the mirror at the same time.
"Why hasn't he reappeared?" Sirius asks.
"I dunno. I don't think anyone but me was supposed to see him and even so, I think seeing you startled him. It's one thing to go back and talk to your younger self, but another thing to see a friend." James pauses. "You know, he hasn't said what happened to you the day I died."
Sirius gives a shudder when he hears his friend talk so blasé about his death. "Prongs, when you talk about dying it makes me feel ill."
"I'm sorry."
"I don't want it to happen to you," Sirius informs him, and his voice is so adamant that it humbles James. "I don't want you to die, nor Evans or the baby you come to have. And I don't know what happened to me that day, but I hope I tried my best to ensure your safety. That I obviously failed makes me want to try harder to make sure it doesn't happen again."
James nods because he doesn't know what to say. Part of him wants to thank his friend or hug him; part of him wants to cry because there are a lot of things the two of them should be doing, and talking about death isn't one of them.
"It's late, mate, we should start heading back. We can talk about this later," Sirius says.
James still nods. "You're right."
They both stand up and Sirius goes to pick up James' invisibility cloak, throws it around the two of them and they start heading off.
"Hey, are you going to tell Moony and Wormtail about this?"
James hesitates. "Could you tell Moony for me? He sort of knows what's going on, but not the whole picture and I'd appreciate it if you filled him in."
"Yeah sure. What about Wormtail?"
"I don't know whether to tell him," James admits. "Something happened to Wormtail that night and I'm not sure if it's because he also died or whether he betrayed-," (he says 'betrayed' quietly and with uncertainty) "us. I don't know if he could handle knowing; Merlin knows he has problems with his self-esteem as it is."
A frown that crosses Sirius' face suggests he's troubled by the thought of Peter possibly betraying James. "Maybe we can tell him but omit that part? It won't hurt if he doesn't know, right?"
James nods and agrees. "Thank you, Padfoot, for all of this."
Sirius nudges him with his elbow in understanding. "Detour to the kitchens?"
James smiles. "Absolutely, yes."
The next day, James finds Sirius munching toast at breakfast. When he sees James approach, he fixes him with a warm smile, that James quickly returns.
"I thaved 'ou thum toast," Sirius says between mouthfuls, motioning to the plate next to him (even though there's a rack full of toast nearby). James goes to sit next to him and grabs the plate.
"Thanks mate!" he says, instantly knowing that this day (and every day after that) will be that bit better because he has his friend back again.
The two of them settle back into their usual routine of talking about absolute nothingness and messing about. Peter and Remus join them shortly afterwards and if the two of them are shocked at seeing James and Sirius back to normal again, neither says anything. Peter grins though and Remus studies the two of them and then smiles to himself, as though he'd hypothesised that the two of them would make up soon – and had been right about it.
Lily, who had been sitting at the end of the table, finishes her breakfast and then comes over to the four of them.
"Morning gentlemen," she greets. Remus and Peter greet her back; James inhales sharply (though he is unsure whether that's just a reflex of seeing her or because this is the first time he's seen her since the revelations of yesterday); Sirius studies her intently.
She comes to sit next to James and smiles at him. "Hey," she says softly. "How are you feeling after yesterday?"
He finds her close presence (her bright eyes and warm smile) a little distracting. "What?" he asks, a little dumbfounded.
"You know – you stumbled out of the Common Room last night, looking absolutely awful? Ringing any bells?"
"Oh. Yeah. That." He processes the 'looking absolutely awful' bit and winces. "Thanks. Anyway, I'm fine. Got it sorted. Much better now." He nods emphatically, just in case she doesn't believe him (which strikes him as ridiculous, because why wouldn't she?)
"Good, I'm glad." She throws him another smile and then she looks over at Remus. "Remus, do you want to meet later to go over our project?"
"Sure," he answers. "After lunch?"
"That would be great, I'll see you then," she says, standing up. "And I'll see the rest of you later!"
She bounds off and James watches and he smiles like an idiot because the girl who never could stand him now does; the girl who used to avoid him at all costs doesn't have a problem coming up to him; the girl he always thought was beautiful and lovely still is, and she's still alive and bright and breathing. She's still here.
Someone clears their throat, but James can't tell whether it's Peter or Remus.
"Your jaw is hanging on the floor," Peter teases.
"One would think that your increased contact with one another would have lessened such reactions," Remus muses. "But apparently it makes you more prone to them."
James snaps out of his out of his reverie and fixes his friends with a glare.
"Oi, Padfoot!" Peter waves his hand in front of Sirius' face, who also looks distracted.
"What?" he snaps.
Peter raises an eyebrow. "In love with Lily too?" he enquires.
"No," he retorts. "Obviously I am in love with Prongs here."
"I love you the most," James informs him.
"Alright, lovebirds, time to go to class," Remus interrupts.
Peter groans, James stretches, Sirius ponders and Remus observes.
"Have you had a chance to tell them yet?" James asks Sirius as the two of them hang out in the Heads' study: James perched on his desk and Sirius on Lily's.
"Not yet. I will tonight." Sirius hesitates. "Are you sure you want me to tell them instead of you?"
"Yes, because I'd never be able to explain it coherently."
Sirius smiles. "And you think I will?"
"They'll look at me as though I'm crazy. At least they'll believe it coming from you." The truth is, James is a coward, afraid of the opinions of even his friends.
"You know," Sirius says, changing the subject. "Whenever I look at Evans, all I can see your fate – and hers. I mean, I always knew you had a crush on her, but I honestly thought it was just a crush (and all-consuming one, but a crush nonetheless). And I always thought Evans was a bit self-righteous and looked down on us lot. But you two have become close and I've seen that she's not a bad person and maybe the two of you getting together isn't implausible anymore, and maybe I've decided she's not so bad. And I see that every time I look at her, but I can't erase from my mind that it's your very union that ends in both of your deaths. I mean, I'm not blaming her, but-,"
"It's all you can see," James finishes. "You're not the only one."
"I've just... it's strange: I've gone from being indifferent to her, to being jealous of the fact that she seemed to be stealing you away, to feeling like I have to somehow do my hardest to protect her – and you too."
Sirius' words touch James because he honestly didn't wish this burden on his friend too and yet not only has he accepted it (and James' changing dynamic with Lily too), he's made it his personal mission to stop a certain fate from happening.
James can't erase the gratitude from his face, but he also can't help but feel apologetic. "I'm sorry I couldn't have held onto my crush on Madam Hooch instead," he says with a wry smile.
Sirius grins. "You two could have been brilliant together."
The weeks pass and the months merge, October into November, November into December. The weather is growing colder and winter beckons, and James welcomes the changing season with open arms. There is something inviting about December: the anticipation of Christmas in the air, the excitement about the upcoming holidays, the donning of scarves, hats and gloves, the gruelling but exciting Quidditch matches and the rewarding butter beer that comes afterwards.
James has been so busy with schoolwork and Quidditch that his ever-pressing burden seems more an afterthought than a constant niggling. It helps that in addition to Sirius, he now has Remus and Peter to share his burden with. When Sirius had eventually explained to them about James, Remus had been surprised and Peter had been worried, but neither wavered in offering their support. Although the four of them are no nearer to figuring out a solution to James' problem, having people to figure it out with and talk about it, helps him immensely.
The last day of term approaches and James decides to return home for Christmas, with Sirius in tow. The train journey back to London is a joyous one: all four Marauders making the most of their penultimate train ride back home. As the Hogwarts Express moves farther and farther away from Hogwarts, school begins to feel like a million miles away and James almost imagines that the incident with his mirror self never happened.
They arrive at King's Cross; Remus is the first to leave them when he catches sight of his parents and Peter leaves next. Sirius and James are left on the platform, laughing and joking and doing their best to pretend that their ended train journey isn't a stark reminder that in a few months' time, Hogwarts will no longer be their home and they will be thrust into the real world with all the burdens it has to offer.
James is looking out for his mother when he feels someone tapping his shoulder. He turns around to find Lily standing there. There's a warm smile on her face and she genuinely looks enthused about returning home and enjoying the Christmas holidays. Instantly, he smiles in return and notes that she's changed into jeans and a pretty white jumper he's never seen before.
"Lily," he greets. He hadn't seen her whilst on the train as they had both been with their friends, but he is glad to see her now.
"Hello, James," she says. "I was hoping to catch you before you went off."
His eyebrows rise in surprise. "You were?"
"There's no need to look so shocked," she teases. "And yes, I was. I wanted to wish you a great Christmas and that I look forward to seeing you in January." She makes as if to leave and then stops. "You know, I've really enjoyed working with you this term, James. You've really surprised me. It turns out you make a really good Head Boy and a not so bad friend."
A silly grin spreads across his face and he can't suppress it.
Lily's brow furrows and she suddenly looks nervous. "You will Owl me over Christmas, won't you?"
Trying his best to regain composure, he says, "Of course. But only if you Owl me first." He used to Owl Lily over Christmas, wishing her a Merry Christmas and asking her out all in one sentence, though she never replied. He'd like to be on the receiving end of a letter for a change.
She grins and nods. "Okay." She paves her hand on his arm and squeezes. "Merry Christmas, James."
He smiles affectionately at her. "Merry Christmas, Lily."
She gives him one last smile before walking off, but not before greeting Sirius, who had gone to stand several feet away.
Afterwards, Sirius comes to stand next to James and studies the giant grin on his friend's face. "You know," he muses. "I think that Evans is starting to get the hots for you."
And James laughs because the very thought of that sounds utterly ludicrous.
"Dear Lily, I am so glad to hear that you had a good Christmas, despite meeting your sister's fiancé for the first time. I did indeed have a great Christmas with my family and Sirius, even if Sirius accidentally set the tree on fire. I hope you're taking it easy over the holidays and not studying your heart out! All my best, James. Kisses, hugs and snogs."
James raises his eyebrows. "I did not write that last bit!"
"No, but it was implied," Sirius muses as he hands James back the letter he had just nicked off James' desk. "I like the nonchalant tone you were going for there, particularly because it wasn't very effective."
James glares at his friend as he puts the letter in his pocket and goes to sit on his bed. "I wasn't trying to be nonchalant."
"It doesn't seem that way to me."
"Are you going to spend the rest of the holidays teasing me about these letters?"
"They make for an entertaining read."
"You shouldn't be reading them!"
"Well then you shouldn't leave them where I can get to them."
James says nothing; instead, he seals the letter and hands it to his owl to deliver. Sirius watches as the owl flies off.
"Hey, Prongs?" Sirius says, coming to perch at the end of James' bed. "Since you and Evans seem to be getting closer and she seems to like you, are you going to ask her out or something?"
"I haven't really thought about it," he answers honestly.
"Because I don't think it will be wise, you know?" Sirius carries on, his tone suddenly turning serious. "Not until we've come up with a solution to your problem."
James doesn't say anything for a while; instead, he takes off his glasses and cleans them with his jumper. He rubs the bridge of his nose and places the glasses back on; Sirius gives his friend a lopsided smile when he sees just how tired James looks.
"I've thought about all of this," James says. "I've thought about keeping my distance or merely being civil with her, but Lily, she makes that really hard – I've liked her for so long that I want to be her friend (and more than that), and there's something about her that makes me want to be around her all the time. To have to be cautious or restrain myself because in another reality, our eventual union led to our deaths is hard and just really unfair. Plus, what if there's no escaping that fate? Because if that's the case, maybe I should just spend as much time as possible with her and I don't know, romance her like there's no tomorrow or something, seeing as soon enough there might not be a tomorrow for the both of us."
Sirius winces. "Prongs, I hate it when you talk like that, as though you've already lost a battle. By all means, don't let this whole thing get in the way of you living your life, but don't let it defeat you." He stops to consider something. "Fuck it James, you know what? Go out with Lily! Do whatever with Lily! You're young – you shouldn't have to live your life on hold. You will find a way to stop this all from happening; you will not die at the hands of that man!"
James permits himself a small smile; if inner will is enough to physically affect someone, then surely Sirius had enough to topple Voldemort single-handedly.
Sirius still looks troubled, however. "But Prongs? Whatever you do, just be careful, yeah?"
The Christmas holidays are over just as quickly as they crept up on them. As soon as both boys return to school, they realise that the atmosphere has changed: whereas at the start of the year the Seventh Years were revelling in being top of the school's hierarchy, now the finality had sunk in and people have realised they don't have much time left. Exams are just around the corner and life post-Hogwarts lingers ominously. The Gryffindor Common Room is suddenly bereft of Seventh Years, the majority of them slaving away in the library, trying to keep on top of their gruelling work schedules.
James barely sees Lily outside of classes and meetings anymore; she was always a hard-worker but had now turned into a hard-working recluse. James finds himself being swept up in the tide of mass panic too. He'd been lax with his studies during the first term; Head Boy duties, Quidditch and the incident with his mirror self had preoccupied his time, but now he realises that he doesn't have much time to do the work he needs to do. At the beginning of the year, James had applied to become an Auror and though his future has been rendered uncertain, he still wants to work towards that.
On a cold January afternoon, he finds himself alone in the Heads' study, tackling his Transfiguration essay. He prefers the solitude of the study to the library; the sound of books being moved around, people's quiet chatter and the sound of many quills scratching parchment proving too much of a distraction. After an hour of solid working, the study door opens and Lily steps in, looking utterly exhausted.
James is surprised to see her; they don't have a meeting today.
"Lily," he greets, placing his quill down and watching as she goes over to her desk, sits down and lets out a tired sigh.
"Hullo James," she replies.
"Library proving too much?" he inquires.
She nods. "You have the right idea, hiding in here. Maybe I should take note."
"Maybe you shouldn't study so much."
"Believe me, I do it out of necessity rather than choice."
He smiles to himself; Lily had always been the type to study intensely, believing that she would never understand her work if she didn't. But James also sensed that Lily still held onto the belief that as a Muggle-born, she had to study twice as hard as someone like James in order to 'fit in', which was ridiculous in his mind because Lily's comprehension went far beyond the likes of his.
She gets out her books, parchment and quill and places them on her desk, but takes one look at her book, groans and shoves it out the way.
"I can't look at it anymore, James, I can't."
"Definitely wasn't going to make you," he muses. "Maybe you should take the afternoon off – give yourself a break."
"I could do with one," she concedes and begins rolling her neck side to side to ease the tension in her muscles, an act which James finds mesmerising. When she's done, she rests her head against her propped hand and looks at him. "It's Hogsmeade's this weekend," she says. "I can't wait to raid Zonko's and then treat myself to a Butterbeer."
James smiles; he can just imagine Lily buying the entire shop's worth of sweets and celebrating with a Butterbeer afterwards.
He thinks about what Sirius said about asking Lily out and contemplates whether he should do so. But should he exercise caution here, like his friend initially voiced? Or should he throw said caution to the wind? James is still uncertain; he still cannot let go of the notion that getting that close to Lily will somehow seal their fate. A date with Lily is surely not worth the gamble of her life. But then it would only be one date to Hogsmeade, wouldn't it? They would hardly be eloping afterwards.
But still he is hesitant to make a move, if not by his fears that by going on a date he will be setting their fates in motion, then by the fear that she will reject him yet again.
Lily begins to tap her fingers against her desk and if James didn't know better, he'd say she was nervous.
"Hey James?"
He looks at her in amusement. "Lily?"
"Maybe we could go together?"
He looks at her and gapes, his senses taking leave. "What?"
Lily starts to squirm in her seat and he watches as she blushes. "I thought we could spend time there together. It would be nice, you know?"
He still doesn't know what she is talking about. Or he does, but he is unable to believe it. "Wait, Lily, are you asking me out? On a date?"
Lily is positively crimson now, and James would enjoy it but he still can't believe that Lily is actually suggesting that the two of them spend time together recreationally.
"Don't push it, Potter," she grumbles.
He lets out a laugh and enjoys her defensive turn. He can tell it's hard for her, turning the tables and asking him out. In all honesty, he's surprised by her invitation, but it's hardly unwelcome.
It's not fully welcome either though.
Is this the right thing to do? He wonders. If he goes to Hogsmeade with her, their relationship will take a new turn and everything will be a lot harder to control; destiny will come knocking.
But it's just a date. Just a collection of shared moments at Hogsmeade between two people who are friends and maybe on the verge of a little bit more.
And what was it that Sirius had said? Don't live your life on hold.
Hadn't James waited a long time for Lily to want to go out with him? It will just be a date, after all. Just one simple date.
He stares at Lily, watches as she waits for him to respond, anxiety beginning to show on her face.
No, he concedes to himself. It's not. The memory of him dying and knowing Lily was next is still fresh in his mind and he had sworn that he would do anything to prevent that particular fate from happening. A wonderful time with Lily is not worth the consequences.
But this Lily is here in front of him and this Lily can't understand why he's reluctant to answer her.
"James?" she whispers.
He could tell her no. He could tell her that he's busy or already has plans. He could suggest another time, and then keep putting it off.
But he's spent what seems like a lifetime trying to please this girl. And he knows he would do anything for her, whatever the cost. Everyone has a weakness, and for James, it is Lily.
The Lily in the future met a terrible end, as does he. But the Lily in front of him is real and vibrant, and right now is anxiously waiting his reply. He would need all the strength in the world to say no to her, and he doesn't have that power.
"I think," he finally answers, "that that sounds like a great idea."
He smiles at her and she returns it in kind, relieved at his answer.
Everything will be okay, he tells himself. And he chants it so many times in his head that he begins to believe it's true.