A/N: Hand holding - here we go

Walking into the house, the first thing Edward heard was the beautiful sound of Jasper's laughter. He smiled in response, relieved and a little jealous. He'd been unable to coax much more than a small smile out of Jasper since he'd received the news his legs might never work right again. He was grateful Emmett had put him in a better mood but wished he'd been able to help Jasper himself.

But all Edward's jealousy faded away when he walked into the living room. Jasper's eyes snapped up and his gorgeous smile widened. He extended his hand to Edward, pulling him into a tight hug. "Babe!"

Resting his hand on Jasper's back, Edward swooped down enough to brush a light kiss on his lips. "You look like you had a good day."

"It was incredible, Edward." Jasper's eyes were shining with excitement. "Out there above the trees like a bird. It was just... amazing."

Edward cocked his head. "Above the trees...?" He glanced over at Emmett suspiciously, noticing he was looking rather guilty.

"I thought Emmett was crazy. I mean, I wouldn't have thought I could go paragliding," Jasper babbled happily, oblivious to Edward's increasing discomfort. "But it went really well. It was such a rush."

Now Edward was glaring at Emmett. "You went paragliding today?"

There was an edge to his voice that Jasper, in his excitement, missed. He looked up at Edward, giving him a little shake. "And I remembered."

Edward's head snapped to Jasper. "You remembered?" he echoed, being pulled in different directions faster than he could process.

"I remembered that Emmett and I were planning a rafting trip," Jasper continued.

A chill ran down Edward's spine, and he broke out in a cold sweat. "You remembered that?"

"It wasn't really a solid memory. It was just... there." Jasper shook his head, looking back down at the coffee table where he had his laptop out and open. "So we were just looking to see what might be the best place to start. An easy run first - nothing complicated," he was talking mostly to himself now. "I'm going to create a workout routine at the gym to make sure my arms are strong enough - I'm a good swimmer." He frowned. "Or I was."

"Are you insane?!" Edward yelled not at Jasper but at Emmett. "Have you utterly lost your mind?! You let him jump off a cliff today?! Are you fucking kidding me with this?"

"Edward, everything's fine," Emmett said, holding his hands out in a peacemaking gesture. "Nothing happened. That's why I didn't tell you. I know how worried you get, and-"

"How worried I get?!" Edward repeated, incredulous.

Emmett stood to face Edward, keeping his voice calm and low "He was fine. Nothing was going to happen, I made sure of that. Trust me."

"Trust you." Edward's tone was scathing. "The last time I trusted you, you left him there on a fucking mountain alone and bleeding to death. The last time I trusted you, I almost lost him. How could you possibly ask me to trust you again after that? How could you do this?"

"Edward-"

"Get the hell out of my house," Edward snapped back, his hands clenched in fists at his side. He was furious, so close to flying at Emmett. He needed the other man gone before he lost the last semblance of control he had.

"Edward, stop." It was Jasper who spoke. He pushed himself into a standing position, leaning heavily on the arm of the couch. "Stop talking about me like I'm not sitting right here, and don't be mad at Emmett."

Eyes blazing, Edward looked at the other man. "Who do you want me to be mad at?

"Emmett was just trying to help me-"

"Help you? Help you by putting your life in danger? Again?" Shaking with fury, he turned back to Emmett. "Get. Out." This news had sparked Edward's protective instinct. For all these months, he'd tamped down his anger, his hurt that this connection Jasper shared with Emmett had almost gotten him killed. Right then, the only thing he knew was Emmett was putting his husband in danger all over again.

"Go on, Emmett. We'll make plans some other time," Jasper said, his angry eyes on Edward rather than his friend.

Emmett paused, looking uncertain, but then he nodded, heading for the door. Edward followed him, intent on making sure he was as far away from Jasper as quickly as possible. The larger man paused before he went down the stairs. "I wasn't trying to hurt you. You're not the only one that cares about him."

"Get out of my sight," Edward snarled, in no mood for rational discussion.

Some part of him had hoped that slamming the door in Emmett's face, banishing him from sight and from Jasper's presence, would make him feel better - safer. But it didn't. His heart was pounding fast and hard against his chest - adrenaline surging through his veins. He was assaulted by the images that had plagued him since the accident - Jasper lying broken and alone on the jagged rocks of Mt. Rainier, his life slipping away, his blood staining the ground.

It hit him like a freight train barreling forward at full speed. He was breathless. He was helpless. He remembered every little adventure Jasper and Emmett had planned and how it was always him waiting at home, worried at the chances they were taking, trying to convince himself they would be fine.

"Look." Jasper's voice made Edward start. He looked up to find the blond man glaring at him, his hand braced on the back of the sofa. "Maybe he should have told you what we were doing, but what the hell is your problem? I get that you're angry, but some of the things you said were cruel."

"I didn't say anything that wasn't true," Edward snapped. He hated feeling this angry at Jasper, but he couldn't seem to get a hold of himself. He was scared out of his mind and completely impotent in his rage.

"What we did today was perfectly safe-"

"Don't feed me that bullshit!" Edward roared. "It's not safe. None of it was safe. Don't talk to me like I don't know every statistic, every horror story. Even when you went hiking - do you know how many things could go wrong?"

Jasper ran his hand through his hair looking irritated. "Emmett told me you had a habit of overreacting," he muttered.

"Overreacting?! Did you fall on your head again, or did you miss the whole debacle where you were in a coma and woke up to seven missing years?"

"Don't be an asshole. I knowwhat happened to me." Obviously irritated, Jasper made his way around to the front of the sofa and sunk down on it, rubbing his temples.

"Then how could you do this, Jasper?" Desperation made his tone thin. "Why would you put yourself in danger like that again?"

"Can you calm down? Please?"

"No. I can't. Not when I come home hearing about you jumping off cliffs-"

"Strapped to an instructor with a paraglider," Jasper inserted.

"- and you're planning on drowning yourself next?"

Jasper's head came up. "You know this is the first thing since I woke up that has just made sense? It was great, Edward. It made me feel good. It made fucking sense. Nothing else has just made sense. It was good for me. It was something about me, about my past, I could just... accept - enjoy - with absolutely no drama."

"Of course," Edward muttered bitterly, his heart twisting and aching. "Of course that would be the thing that comes easily to you - the one thing I wish you would forget forever. What the hell is so great about doing these dangerous things? What could possibly be worth risking your life? You have a daughter, Jasper. You have..." He wanted to say 'me' but stopped himself, realizing he wasn't enough.

"First of all, I think you're over thinking the dangerous bit," Jasper began, his tone even. "But to answer your question..." He sighed. "I can't tell you why it was a draw before though I could guess. The whole thing with Peter... He died too young, way too young. And how does it not hit you that life is a gift that's meant to be used, not stored in a closet where it's safe and preserved?

"And I did, Edward. This whole thing... It's not that I don't appreciate what I have - with Bella or with you - but you know, sometimes with my leg... with all the things people have to help me with... it's hard not to feel like an invalid. Today, I didn't feel impaired. I felt...alive. And I felt right." He looked up, his eyes pleading with Edward's to try to understand. "I felt like I was part of the world again, even if it was only for those few minutes - participating instead of just treading water."

Edward closed his eyes tight, trying to get a handle on his rising panic. He wanted to really hear what Jasper was saying, to understand it and sympathize, but in that moment, he couldn't. It felt like he was losing Jasper all over again.

"There are other ways to feel like that," Edward said, his voice thin. "There are other ways to feel alive. There..."

His tongue was tangled. They'd been down this road before. He knew how this argument ended. This was a part of Jasper that had always belonged to Emmett because Emmett understood. Edward had never understood and even less so now. He could try to explain, but he didn't have the words anymore - at least none that Jasper would listen to. Now, on top of the persistent pessimistic paranoia that had always plagued him, there was a generous helping of complete and utter terror.

His worst fears had already been realized. He'd lost Jasper. Through this struggle, he'd thought at least he wouldn't have to go through that again. But here they were, and Edward couldn't fathom just sitting back and letting this happen. Again.

Unable to speak, Edward lurched forward on the couch, grabbing Jasper by his shirt and pulling him forward. He kissed him. Hard. Throwing all the passion he had into the way his lips moved. He was trying to show what he couldn't say, trying to explain what he couldn't stand to lose.

This. Jasper. Them.

This was what made Edward feel alive.

As he kissed Jasper, all of his pent up fear and frustration came to a head. Why? Why had Emmett been able to coax a memory out of his lover? And why this? Why something that Jasper wanted to take hold of and run with?

Desperate and not thinking clearly at all, Edward's movements, his hands, became more aggressive. Jasper gasped when he unbuttoned his jeans, and Edward moved his lips to the other man's neck, nipping and sucking.

"Fuck," Jasper moaned, his hands falling on Edward's back. He whimpered when Edward cupped him over his boxers, rubbing.

Edward didn't let him have a chance to get used to what was happening. Instead, he slid off the couch, down on his knees on the floor. He loosed Jasper's cock from his boxers and had his lover in his mouth in the next instant.

Jasper's hips jerked. "Christ! What?"

But Edward knew his body well, knew how to make this fast or draw it out until Jasper was begging shamelessly.

Right then, if anything, Edward was trying to drive any and all thoughts of dangerous activities out of Jasper's head. Let him call this hanging life in a closet preserved.

"Oh, God," Jasper muttered, his hips jerking again.

In his head, as Edward took Jasper further into his mouth, he begged him to remember. Remember this. Remember how many days and nights began just like this - with Edward's lips wrapped around Jasper's cock, the tip of his tongue working along the perimeter of his girth.

"Edward," Jasper groaned his name and Edward's heart sped at the sound. It was low and gravelly and utterly wanton. He felt Jasper's hands slide up from his back to his neck and shivered when his fingers gripped his hair. "Baby. Please. Yes." His voice was a rasp, his words devolving into monosyllabic moans as he writhed.

His hands on Jasper's hips, Edward urged him toward the edge of the couch where he could work his jeans and boxers further down on his hips. It gave him better access, so he could use his hands. He drew the tip of his finger along Jasper's balls - teasing.

Jasper mewled. His fingers tangled in Edward's hair and he tugged hard. When Edward hummed, the vibration of the noise made the blond man whine with pleasure. "Baby."

If Edward's mouth wasn't so busy, he might have smirked. As it was, reading Jasper's body and the sound of his moans, Edward coaxed him easily to the edge of orgasm.

And then he pulled back, slowed down.

"Edward!" Jasper's voice was a whine. "Please." He was panting. Gasping. "Please. I need... I need."

Renewing his pace, Edward put his hand over Jasper's stomach, pinning him down so the jerks of his body were easier to handle. He loved the sound of Jasper's pleasure, loved the guttural shouts. He'd never been shy about the noises he made.

When he'd swallowed and zipped Jasper back up, Edward sat back up on the couch. Jasper's head was thrown back, his eyes closed, as he tried to catch his breath.

As the moments turned into minutes, the temporary high Edward felt faded. His heart began to ache again.

"That was..." Jasper swallowed and sat up. He didn't look at Edward. "That was... But it doesn't change things."

"I know." Edward's voice was quiet, resigned - calmer. "It's just... you weren't there, Jasper. You don't remember falling. It's easy to get back on the horse when you don't remember falling off."

He stood, beginning to pace. "What I remember is every time you ran off, telling me everything would be fine. And I told myself all the horror stories were just that - stories. Fictions, or anecdotes that happened to someone else... someone else's husband, not mine.

"But then it did happen. And you don't... you can't understand what it was like, seeing you like that - broken and pale and lifeless." His voice cracked, and Edward had to pause, closing his eyes and breathing deep. "I remember everything. I remember every minute at the hospital not knowing if I was ever going to see you alive again, knowing you could slip away and there was nothing I could do about it. And then the weeks - weeks - when you were just a shell, just a body in a bed. I just..."

"Edward," Jasper interrupted.

Edward turned slowly.

Jasper was standing, looking as if he were about to reach for him. Instead, he sighed. "What I did... what I'm doing, it isn't about hurting you. What happened today was only about me - what I wanted and what I needed."

Edward knew that, of course. It wasn't a new argument. He couldn't have spoken even if he wanted to; the lump in his throat was too painful to swallow around let alone speak. Feeling like he couldn't be in the same room with Jasper without breaking down, Edward fled for the sanctuary of the kitchen.

There, he sat heavily, leaning one elbow on the table, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He was so close to breaking down. His eyes had filled with tears of utter frustration and misery.

Edward heard Jasper's slow steps as he approached. He tried to rein in his emotions, tried to find calm again, but he couldn't. By the time he felt Jasper's presence behind him, twin tears had escaped the corners of his eyes.

Jasper sighed and the next second, Edward was startled when he slipped his arms around him from behind. Jasper pulled him back, and Edward raised his hand to his arm, taking what little comfort he could from the intimate connection.

When he spoke, Jasper's voice was soft, his lips near his ear. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you." His tone was utterly sincere. "I know this scares you. I understand why. But I can't be someone I'm not."

"I can't do it again," Edward whispered. "I can't." It would kill him - in that moment he was sure.

Jasper didn't let him go, rocking them both slightly as the silence between them stretched on - long and heavy. He sighed again and kissed Edward's cheek, lingering a moment. "I want to fix this, baby, I do. And I know I'm new at this... but we both have to bend somewhere."

Unable to speak without ordering him - or begging him - to reconsider, Edward stayed silent, but he squeezed Jasper's arm, acknowledging he agreed.

"But this is a part of me," Jasper continued, his voice soft but firm. "This is the only me you're going to get. I'm more than willing to compromise - let you be in on the planning so you can see how prepared we are, the precautions we take - whatever it takes. You can even come with us if you want... but you cannot ask me to give it up. I need this, Edward."

Edward couldn't answer, and Jasper hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek again. "Just think about it, okay? I promise I'm not going to do anything stupid tomorrow."

When he walked away, Edward gasped, hardly able to breathe. He didn't know what he was feeling, whether his heart was breaking. He didn't know what to think at all.

He felt lost, adrift, floating in turbulent waters with no way to get back to shore.

A/N: Oh, boy.

So being my prereader is a very difficult job. Thanks to jfka06, barburella, Naelany, and jessypt, all of whom argued with me until this chapter was what it should be. I won't say it's a thankless task cuz g'dammit a good majority of these people make me write things where Carlisle has sex, but I'm aware it's a difficult position. Heh.

SO!

How are you doing out there in fic land?