Twinleaf Town is an alright place to live. As far as boring, secluded border towns in the ass end of nowhere go, you could do worse. Not much crime, not much shenanigans, not much of anything really. We've got a nice ass lake though. I dare you to find a more pristine lake than ours. You can't do it can you? That's what I thought. Anyway, the people around here are a mixed bag. Most of the adults are mild mannered folk who live life slow and are content with spending all their free time gossiping behind each other's backs. All the kids and teenagers, however, are either rowdy, obnoxious, self absorbed or any combination of the three. But like I said, you could do much worse. Let's see... We also have some nice... trees, I guess? Evergreens and what not... Hmm, what else is there to talk about... Oh yeah. There is one other thing that sets Twinleaf Town apart...

The place is straight stupid with Bidoof.

The Bidoof have been the unofficial mascots/rulers of Twinleaf Town for as long as I can remember. You can't go a day without stepping on at least five of them. With wanton disrespect of our way of life, they scurry freely through the streets, they crawl up the sides of houses, they chew up our gardens, and we just sit back and let it all happen. The townspeople have tried dozens of times to get rid of them. But the Bidoof... ahem... propagate much faster then anyone can catch/kill in the name of righteous vengeance. Eventually they decided that if the Bidoof weren't going to leave, the town should at least make some money off of them. Every year we hold the, and I shit you not, Annual Bidoof Celebration Festival, where we sell Bidoof themed merchandise to anyone stupid enough to come to a Bidoof themed festival. Normal towns get rid of their vermin and roadkill but we throw them a God damn party. It's an all too surreal experience.

"You have until the count of right God damn now to get down from there or I will destroy you!" I yelled up at the twenty or so Bidoof currently lounging in my house's rain gutter like the corpulent pieces of shit that they were. I rarely dealt with these bastards but one of them had chewed a hole through the roof and ended up falling into our toilet. And since Mom was too busy doing mom shit to do it herself, the task of "de-doofing" the house had fallen to me.

Unsurprisingly, the Bidoof ignored my ravings and continued to roll around in my filthy rain gutter. I needed to use a different tactic. "Preston! Preston, where are you?" I called. "I could use some help here!"

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. Sharon's idiot Murkrow was back and it looked like he was here to stay. Three days after I had sent him away, I woke up in the middle of the night to him destroying my room again. This time he came carrying a tiny note with the Sinnoh Hunter's Guild's sigil on it- a stylized eye with a triangle made up of seven smaller triangles instead of an iris. It meant that I was marked for death. Sharon was just being melodramatic; she and I both knew that no one was coming to kill me. I could tell right away that it was just a last ditch effort to try to scare me into going back to the Iron Islands. What kind of gullible, nose picking, shitting-in-his-pants-as-we-speak moron does she take me for?

No. Even she's smarter than that. I think that she knew from the beginning that the sigil was never going to scare me and that she only sent Preston back just to have the last laugh. At first her little scheme had worked; prized possessions were scattered, furniture was destroyed and many ridiculous, interspecies shouting matches were had. I raged, I cried, I had an aneurysm. But it's okay now. I (almost) had Preston's batshittery down to a science.

After spending the past fortnight together, I finally figured out how to work around Preston's neurosis. You see, when it comes to delivering letters, Preston is like one of those crackheaded cereal mascots. This bitch needs to deliver a letter or two every day or he will completely lose his shit. I figured out that I could placate him by letting him deliver little inconsequential notes to my mom and my friend Pearl every day. He's actually pretty chill after he got his daily fix of postal service. Nowadays when he's not being an annoying piece of shit he's either sleeping on my head or creepily watching me from afar as I go about my business. Don't get me wrong, he's still a fucking lunatic (he won't stop eating the God damn kitchen sponges) but the important thing was that I could finally get him to be quiet.

"Preston! Where are you, you stupid little...Fine, forget you then. I can take care of these doofuses all by myself!" I said as I began my awkward ascent up the rain gutter's downspout. It didn't occur to me until much later that I could have just used a ladder but I wasn't thinking straight at the time. I was too annoyed with the fact that these fat, impudent fucks had forced me to go outside for the first time in a week to start thinking rationally. With my feet planted against the wall and my arms clinging to the downspout like a frightened koala, I stopped to catch my breath halfway between the house's first and second stories.

"I need to get back in shape..." I muttered, trying my best not to look down.

"Bidoof?"

"Huh?" While I wasn't looking, one of the Bidoof had climbed over the side of the gutter and halfway down the downspout and was now staring at me with curiosity. Nonplussed, I said, "Um... Hi? OH GOD!" I screamed as the Bidoof latched onto my face without warning. "PRESTON HELP ME! KILL IT! KILL IT NOW!"

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow!" I heard Preston screech from behind the house.

"Over here Preston! Get this thing off of- Ouch! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Preston had come to my aid like I had asked but, in his overzealousness, he thought that helping me meant pecking at both the Bidoof and my head indiscriminately. "GOD DAMN IT, STOP HELPING ME! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME YOU AVIAN SACK OF SHIT!" I yelled, blindly trying swat him away. Infuriated, I reeled my head back and slammed it forward as hard as I could, crushing the Bidoof against the downspout in the process.

"Bidooooof..." It whimpered before going and limp and sliding off my face, falling to the ground below.

"Ha! That's what you get for trying to mess with- PRESTON STOP IT! IT'S OVER ALREADY!" I yelled after he gave me a series of painful pecks to the side of my face. I slid down the downspout and stumbled a bit when my feet touched the ground. The combination of pecking, vertigo, and unsolicited Bidoof hugs had left me a little disoriented...

"Krow!" Preston said merrily as he took roost on my shoulder.

"Remind me to never ask you for your help again... Ever." I looked down at the Bidoof I just knocked out and looked back up at the ones still sun tanning in my rain gutter. One down, ninety fucking trillion to go. There was no way I was going to do this on my own. I was too non-threatening to them and Preston was too unreliable and dumber than a sack of dumb guys to be any real help.

"Man, where the hell is Pearl? He was supposed to be here a half hour ago, that fucking flake..." Pearl and that Staravia of his could easily get rid of the Bidoof, what with him being the self proclaimed "Best Trainer in Twinleaf Town" and all. He probably forgot all about helping me and slinked off battle somebody or flirt with some girls or other such frivolous nonsense. "Come on Preston, let's see if this idiot's home..."

I didn't have to walk that far since we lived right next to each other but that didn't stop me from stomping over there as dramatically as possible. I kicked open his front gate and stormed my way up to his front door. Banging on the door, I yelled, "Pearl! Get out here you scumbag, I know you're in there! These Bidoof aren't gonna de-doof themselves! If you don't come out here I'm going to kick you right in the bellend you piece of-" I was cut short when a woman with dirty blonde hair answered the door. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy and the smell of hard liquor lingered on her breath.

"Hey D-Man, I know you need to get this Bidoof problem of yours sorted out but could you keep it down? Some of us have hangovers to sleep off, you know?"

"Right, uh, sorry about that..." I said, suddenly feeling sheepish. I noticed the bottle in her free hand. "Another bad break up Angie?" She cringed a little but then gave me a wry smile and shook her head.

"Don't you worry about me little man," she said, giving me a playful punch on the shoulder. I let the fact that she spilled some of her beer on me in the process slide. "You know how these things go. I'll be over it by tomorrow..." she said, wistfully looking over my shoulder.

"Ahem!" I said after an awkward silence.

"Right, you didn't come here to get the skinny on my love life," she said, snapping out of it. "If you're looking for my boy, he's not here. One of the little neighbor boys challenged him to a Pokemon battle again. You know him, he's that little shit. The annoying chubby one? The one you and Pearl are always coming up with funny nicknames for?"

"Hungry Hungry Harold- I mean...Eugene Fritz?"

"Bingo."

"Grumbling gods, I hate that kid... Do you know where they are now?"

"I think they said that they were going to that field near the edge of town, you know the one. And when you get there, can you make sure that Pearl doesn't do anything stupid? If that Eugene kid whines to his mother again I'll be the one that that shrill bitch yells at. Capiche?"

"Gotcha. Thanks for the help," I said, turning to leave.

"Oh and Diamond?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you tell your mom to make those cupcakes I like? I have a feeling I'm going to need them..."

"Will do."

"You're aces kid..." she said with a yawn as she closed the door behind her.

I waited until I was a good distance away before screaming, "God fucking damn it!" Endless double dealing! A million Judas kisses! A bona fide gaggle of Bidoof was tea bagging my house and Pearl was off battling some rugrat. Your best friend should take precedence, damn it! With no other option, I set a course through the suburban jungle of Twinleaf Town, making sure to kick every Bidoof I saw along the way.

I stood atop a small ridge overlooking a spacious open field where the grass grew both thick and tall. Four people stood in the center of the field. Three of them stood together on one side and were so short that it looked like they were being swallowed up by the tall grass. The one in the center was a portly little boy with wispy brown hair. I automatically knew that one was Eugene. I could tell by his fat cheeks and buck teeth- Oh. Oh God. Oh God no. I just realized that he looked like a human Bidoof.

They've gotten to our women.

It was only a matter of time.

God help us all.

A-Anyway- Eugene was flanked by two of his usual flunkies: A skinny boy with a beanie and holding a skateboard who looked like he didn't want to be there and a squirrelly, red headed boy who looked way too excited to be there. I couldn't remember their names at the moment because I honestly didn't give a fuck. Across from Eugene was a lanky, blonde haired boy who looked nearly twice their age and and a good three heads taller than them. A Staravia circled the battlefield between them, scanning the tall grasses for it's opponent from the sky. Pearl stood with arms folded and his chin raised, a confident smirk on his face.

"Had enough yet bitch boy?" he sneered.

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Eugene squeaked desperately, sweat rolling down his face. "I'm just waiting for the right moment..."

"You're just stalling is what it is. We already know I'm gonna win so can we just end this charade so I can go back to giving your mom the mclovin'?" The red head guffawed stupidly at the remark but immediately stopped when Eugene turned around and glared daggers at him.

"Just shut up!" he roared, turning back to Pearl. "I'm going to beat you this time so just shut up you-

"Just shut up!" Pearl repeated, mimicking his voice. "Shut up, shut up, shut up, I'm Eugene. I think I'm hot shit but when things stop going my way my voice gets shriller than a buggered eunuch, shut up, shut up, shut up-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Gonna sing me an aria Castrato?"

"SHUT-"

"Alright, I've had enough of this farce," I said, jumping from the ridge and making everyone notice me for the first time. Walking over to him, I said, "I'm disappointed in you, Pearl."

"Huh? What did I do?"

"Hey, get out of here you asshole!" Eugene shouted. "We're having a-"

"Quiet Rotund Ralph. The adults are talking now," I said without even looking at him. "And you know exactly what I'm talking about. You were supposed to help me de-doof the place an hour ago, you vagina! While you were out playing with these kindergartners-"

"Fuck you, we're eight!" The red head piped in.

"-I was getting face fucked by a Bidoof! So what do you have to say for yourself, Pearl? Answer for my Bidoof ravaged face!" He looked confused for a moment before it finally dawned on him.

"Oh! I knew I left the house for a reason today!" I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration.

"God damn it Pearl..."

"Sorry dude," he said, sounding genuinely apologetic. "I was going to come help you but these blood suckers showed up out of the blue and challenged me to a battle."

"So what? You don't have to battle every jerk off that flashes their poke balls at you, you know?"

"What? And have Swollen Sam over here telling everyone in town that I'm bitch made? The best trainer in Twinleaf Town never backs down from a scrap!" he said, thumping his chest proudly.

Trying to take advantage of Pearl's divided attention, Paunchy Pete yelled, "Bidoof, use Super Fang!"

"All Star, use Wing Attack!" Squeaking madly, Eugene's twin leapt a startling eight feet out of the tall grass, its sharp buck teeth aimed for the back of All Star's head. The Staravia spun on a dime in the air and sent the Bidoof flying straight up into the stratosphere with what could only be described as the world's featheriest bitch slap. "Swag. Now use Quick Attack!" All Star shot towards the ground like a bullet and tackled the Bidoof just before it hit the ground, sending it hurtling towards its trainer. "Now put some stank on it!" All Star kicked off the ground as hard as he could and rushed forward with another Quick Attack. Just before the Bidoof landed in front of its trainer, All Star showed up behind it and smacked it back towards Pearl. He repeated this process several times, smacking the Bidoof back and forth between Pearl and Eugene and making it look like he was playing a deranged game of ping-pong against himself. Don't get me wrong, I hate Bidoof just as much as the next guy but even I felt that this was going a bit too far.

"Okay, now you're just showing off Pearl," I said. "Just end it so we can get a move on already."

"Yeah, you're right. Let 'em down gently Stars." All Star gave the Bidoof one last, gentler slap and let it roll back to it's trainer's. It laid limply at Eugene's feet, having fainted quite some time ago. Eugene ignored his injured Pokemon and stood with his fists clenched and angry tears welling in eyes. He was giving Pearl a look of pure loathing. I could tell that he wanted to continue this, one way or another.

"You cheated..." he growled.

"Hmm? You say something Jovian Jeremy? I couldn't quite catch that."

"I said you cheated! You didn't even let Bidoof get a single hit in! I want a rematch!" Pearl gave him a look of complete exasperation.

"You are the biggest sore loser ever kid. What do you think this is? Some kind of silly turned based RPG? This is real life, baby. If your Bidoof can't get a hit in it's because you didn't train it hard enough, not because I cheated. Get on my level or go home bitch! So instead of a rematch..." Before I could stop him, he stormed over to Large Larry and lifted him by the collar until their faces were level. "How about you pay me the prize money you owe me?"

"P-P-Put me down!"

"Pearl, this is so dumb," I said. "Drop him and let's get out of here already."

"Nuh uh. This pretender owes me money for the past five battles we've had and I ain't leaving until I get it. If you want to keep battling the big boys you have to play by the big boys' rules, mothersuckler."

"I don't have any-"

"Bullshit! We all know that your dad's got fat stacks. Pay up or else you candy ass faggot!" He said, rearing his fast back. Unbeknownst to Pearl, the kid with the beanie had moved behind him, his skateboard raised uncertainly over his head. Eugene caught his eye and gave him a knowing wink.

"Now Sid!"

"Pearl look out!"

Pearl dropped the fatty and turned around on the spot, only to get bashed in the face with the skateboard. I couldn't help but burst out laughing; the look on Pearl's face when he saw the skateboard coming was priceless. It got a lot less funny when Pearl recovered from the blow, surprisingly quickly I might add, and delivered a brutal haymaker right into the kid's doughy, unsuspecting face. The kid fell flat on his back and writhed on the ground, clutching his face and screaming something ungodly.

All Star let out an angry battle cry and flew after the red head and Eugene, who immediately tried to flee the scene right after Pearl got hit. They didn't even make an attempt to retrieve the Bidoof or check to see if their friend was okay. All Star caught up to them quickly and attacked them fiercely, pecking and scratching at any skin it could reach. Preston, caught up in the excitement, tore off after them and helped All Star attack the fatty and the ginger with gleeful abandon. Despite the two angry birds (well... one angry bird and one excitable dipshit) assailing them, the two kept running until they were completely out of sight. Sid picked himself up from the ground and tore off after them with tears and blood running down his face.

"Um... Wow," I said, completely floored by how quickly the situation had escalated. "Oh man... This is the type of thing that your mom sent me here to prevent. I mean, Jesus, Pearl! I think you broke that kid's nose!"

"Good!" he spat. "That's what he gets for listening to that fat fuck all the time!" He picked up the dropped skateboard and broke the cheap piece of shit over his knee. "Dude is my face bleeding? Am I still handsome?" he asked, tossing the pieces away.

"You still look like a Muk's butthole but yeah, you're fine. You did much worse to him than what he did to you... God damn it Pearl! What did you have to go and punch him in the face for? Do you even realize how much trouble we're going to be in?"

"He hit me. In the face. With a God damn SKATEBOARD! What was I supposed to do? Just sit there and take it? I'm lucky that he hit me with the flat side because if he hit me with the trucks he would have busted my skull open!"

"That doesn't mean you should have broken his nose! He's eight. You're fifteen! What were you thinking?"

"Well EXCUSE ME for not questioning my morality in the middle of a motherfucking kerfuffle! All I knew was that some punk bitch hit me with a four wheeled transportation plank and that somebody was gonna get fucked up, age be damned!"

"Wha? Four wheeled transportation- It already has a shorter name, why the fuck would you- Augh! I give up!" I grunted in exasperation. I rubbed my temples; I was getting yet another headache. It seemed like my whole life was turning into one big headache these days. "There's no point in arguing with each other, we're screwed one way or the other..." Mom was probably already mad at me for not getting rid of the Bidoof. I didn't even want to think about what she would do when she found out about this debacle. I would straight up slash my wrists with nary a self preserving thought if she took the computer away from me again.

"What's all this we business? I didn't see you punching any suckas in the face."

"Are you kidding? Preston just tried to pull that kid's ear off for Christ's sake. I'm complicit in your bullshit whether I want to be or not. As usual..."

"Have I told you how much I love that Murkrow of yours? He's got swagger for days. Like literally a month's worth of swag."

"If you like him so much then you can keep him. I'll trade you."

"Let's not get carried away here. Preston's cool and everything but Stars is my main mon, man. Oh! Speak of the devil!" he said as his Staravia suddenly swooped down from the sky and gently alighted on his shoulder. "Who's a good boy? You are!" he said, ruffling his Pokemon's feathers. "Who's the raddest Staravia in all the land? You are! Who slapped the type two diabetes out of Corpulent Craig? You did!" Rolling my eyes, I turned around to scan the skies for any sign of Preston. As if on cue, Preston circled down to me and greeted me by spitting a clump of red hair in my face. Naturally, Pearl got a kick out of that and doubled over with laughter. "A year's worth of swag!"

"My offer still stands..." I said, peeling the hair ball off my face in disgust. "I'll even throw in one of my mom's cupcakes."

"And break up such a loving relationship? That'd just be heartless," he said, still giggling in bursts in between words. "Anyway, don't worry about getting in trouble with your mom just yet. This whole thing's gonna be an afterthought compared to the trouble we're gonna get into tonight," He said, not knowing how truly prophetic those words would be. I raised an eyebrow at him.

"What are you talking about? And what lead based paint are you huffing to make you think that I want to get into more trouble today?"

"Trust me Diamond, this is going to be more than worth whatever punishments our old bitties can dish out."

"That's so fucking reassuring," I said sarcastically. He smirked at me in a way that made me want to punch him and pulled a piece of paper out of his back pocket.

"I'm really glad you decided to come out of your hipster Batcave today. I couldn't show you this unless we were completely alone. Check this out brochacho," he said, unfolding the paper and handing it to me.

I scowled. I thought it would be something interesting but it was just some poster with four Insane Clown Posse rejects sticking their tongues out at me and giving me the horns and the finger. The one in the foreground was a squat and burly man with an ugly faux hawk, tattoos going down his arms, and a black and white face paint pattern extending from both sides of his mouth to his ears. To his right was a lanky, teenage boy with huge ear gauges, standard issue emo hair, and more piercings than face. To Faux Hawk's left was a blonde haired woman whose smoker's teeth and prominent muffin top worked against the 'sexy harlequin' look she was going for.

I ended up staring at the fourth one a lot longer than the others because of how truly terrifying he looked. He glowered in the background of the picture and stood with his arms crossed, cutting an imposing figure over the others. He had the most dramatic and striking body mods out of any of them: black corneal tattoos, two subdermal implants stretching to the back of his head to give the impression that he had inhuman bone ridges growing under his skin, and, last but not least, he had an intricate combination of tattoos and scarifications that coalesced into blood soaked fangs that stretched over his lips and cheeks and went as far back as his ears. I suddenly felt smaller, as if he was staring down at me even though it was quite the opposite. I gave the poster back to Pearl. Looking at it was starting to make me nauseous and uncomfortable.

"This one," he said, pointing to the big guy with the faux hawk. "calls himself Commander O'Boogie-"

"What the absolute fuck?"

"Oh it gets better from there. This guy," he said, pointing to the emo looking kid. "goes by the name of B0nes, spelled with a mandatory zero, AKA Mr. Skull n' B0nes AKA Mr. Cherry P0pper AKA Mr. N0 0ne Understands Me AKA Mr. Thugular Dystr0phy AKA Mr. I Slurps The Peri0d 0ut Y0 C00chie-"

"Okay, you had to have made that last one up. No one is this much of an asshole."

"Hehehe, that isn't even the worst one. He's got like thirty more nicknames but we don't have all fucking day so I'll skip them. This lovely lady," he said, pointing to the the harlequin street walker. "goes by the name of Bloody Mary AKA Voodoo Va-jay-jay AKA Lady Succubitch-

"No! No more nicknames!"

"Chill, that was the last one! Anyway, you'll be glad to know that this happy guy in the back only goes by one name. Unfortunately, I don't know it though. I don't think anyone does really..."

"Whatever... So do you mind explaining why I should care about any of these freaks?"

"These freaks, my friend, are four of the top tier General Bad Asses of the Othersiders." I took the poster back from him and looked it over again.

"... Sandgem Town's afraid of these guys? The scary one I can believe but the others look so- they look like a bunch of-

"Dumb asses?" he said, finishing my sentence.

"Exactly. Anyway, what do they have to do with us? You aren't planning on joining them, are you?"

"Hell no, I don't want to wear their shitty face paint. The ladies would riot in the streets if they couldn't see my rugged, swagged out visage anymore. Anyway, word on the street is that it's B0nes' birthday today and they're celebrating it by throwing this huge party down by the lake tonight. Anybody's who's anybody is going and since we're the anybodiest anybodies that ever dared to be anybody, I thought it was only natural that we go too. This party's going to be so sick dude. There's going to be so much free beer and hot girls in bikinis and- What? Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked, finally realizing that I had been looking at him as if he was crazy the whole time.

"I'm struggling to figure out why you or anyone else would want to go to this shit. Doesn't anyone see what could go wrong with going to a party run by people who take orders from a God damn serial killer?" He waved his hand dismissively.

"Don't believe the hype dude. All that stuff about their leader is just rumors and hearsay. You think a serial killer would run around with a grown ass man that calls himself Commander O'Boogie? No way man. Even serial killers must have some fucking standards. Besides, word on the other street says that their leader and the rest of their gang aren't even showing up to this party."

"Don't you think that's weird though? One of these 'General Bad Asses' is throwing a huge party and they don't even invite their leader or other gang members?"

"I know it's weird but no one really gives a shit at this point. The less of them, the better, right?"

"I guess so..."

"Anyway, this is a big deal for us Twinleafers. For better or for worse, the Others are the most interesting thing going on in this dinky little province of ours. A lot of people are hoping to get on their good sides tonight. Show them that Twinleaf Town slides with the other side, you know what I mean? I personally don't give a shit about all that though. I'm in this for the tournament."

"What tourna-"

"I'll tell you!" he said, his eyes practically lighting up. He did a hyperactive little dance and said, "During the party they're going to throw this small one-on-one Pokemon battling tournament. But there's a twist. The battles aren't over until you beat the other Pokemon... and their trainer! If you beat the other Pokemon but get your ass kicked by the other trainer (or vice versa) it's considered a tie and you have go to a random tie breaker. I'm hoping that it'll turn out to be freestyle rap, I've been practicing. I can't fucking wait! This is my big chance to show everybody that I'm the best trainer in Twinleaf Town, once and for all!" he said, punching at an imaginary opponent. I rolled my eyes. If he wanted to get his face smashed in that was his own business. I saw no point in trying to talk him out of it, there was just no deterring him when he gets that excited about something.

"I'll never understand why that's so important to you. It's not even a real title. Being the best trainer around here is as easy as beating a thalidomide in a thumb war..."

"Says you."

"Says everybody forever. Anyway, I'd love to go to this party with you Pearl but I'll be too busy doing literally anything else," I said, turning to leave.

"What? You have to go dude! I can't go alone!"

"Come on dude, you know I hate big parties like that. If I wanted to be bored for five hours I would stay at home where there's air conditioning, Mom's home cooking, music that I want to listen to, and no sweaty douche bags grinding up on my business."

"What the hell are you gonna do at home, huh? Write for that stupid blog some more? You've been doing that all week! No one even reads that shit and you know it!"

"That's not true! I'm up to twelve followers now! I'm trending!"

"You have such a raging hard on for your computer, it's sad and ridiculous. Why would you want to spend another lonely, mammary-free night at home, writing for a blog that no one reads-

"Fuck you! I'm not lonely and my blog-

"-making out with your computer's saliva swapper widget-"

"That's not even a real thing you piece of-"

"-eating Dicks Ahoy brand chocolate chip cookies-"

"There's no such brand-"

"-getting menaced by your drug addict Murkrow-"

"You know he's not on drugs you obtuse fuck, he just has a problem with mail and sponges-"

"-and being a limp dick, pansy bitch, mama's boy when you could be hanging out with your rad as hell best friend at this totally bitching party? What do you say?"

"Wow! All this verbal abuse is really making me want to go to this party now! You're not being an unreasonable dickhead to me or anything! I like it when you talk over me!"

"I'm glad you see it my way- Oh. You're doing the sarcasm thing. Shit, now you're mad at me. Okay, okay man, I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me, okay? Hug it out?" he asked hopefully, lifting his arms while I crossed mine.

"It's far too late to hug it out now. I am befittingly pissed at you now."

"Well be de-fittingly pissed at me then!"

"No! Fuck you, fuck the party, fuck the Othersiders, and fuck you again, I'm going home! ...And fuck you too!" I said, pointing at All Star for no particular reason besides venting out some more frustration. As if on cue, a jagged stone cut through the air next to my head, missing my ear by a fraction of an inch, and hit All Star squarely in the chest. Not knowing what hit him, the Staravia tumbled off of Pearl's shoulder and unceremoniously fell to the ground unconscious. We made stupid faces at each other for a few seconds, neither of us registering what had happened just yet. I looked down at my hand in disbelief. "Am I... a warlock?"

"GET DOWN!" Pearl shouted. Without warning, he shoved me to the ground and made me fall flat on my ass without any dignity. He quickly lowered his head and buried it in his arms, just in time to block a second stone that had been aimed for the back of my head. The force of the attack was enough to make him fly off his feet and hit the ground six feet away from where he was originally standing. He propped himself on one elbow and let out an audible growl as he glared past me at the assailant. "Motherfuckers..." he spat, getting a chorus of buffoonish giggles in return.

I stood up and turned around to face our attackers. A dozen older boys had surrounded us in a wide half circle, effectively blocking our path back to town. A Geodude was floating in the center of them, nonchalantly juggling several more stones. Directly behind the Geodude was it's trainer, a tall, muscular boy with a haughty face and perfectly parted brown hair. I immediately recognized him as Dylan Fritz. Eugene's older brother and resident King Douche Bag of Twinleaf Town. He stood with his arms crossed and his chin raised, similarly to how Pearl was sneering at Eugene before, with the red headed boy and his little brother clinging to his legs. The way Eugene smirked at us made me wish that Pearl broke his nose instead...

"I heard you guys have been messing with my little brother and his friends," Dylan said in an infuriatingly snide drawl. "Why am I not surprised? A couple of poor, fatherless losers like you two, lashing out at your betters is just in your nature. But bullying little kids? That's low even for you."

"BULLYING?" Pearl roared in wild disbelief. He picked himself up from the ground and made an attempt to storm over to Dylan. However, the Geodude quickly preempted him by tossing another stone at his feet. Not wanting to get hit again, Pearl backed off but still didn't break eye contact with Dylan. "You're the fucking bullies!" he said, pointing an accusatory finger at him. I cringed; that last attack had left his arms bruised, bloody, and swollen but that didn't deter Pearl in the slightest. "I fucking hate you Fritz kids, always hiding behind sneak attacks and your fake friends! If you had any balls at all you'd fight me one-on-one, right here, right now like a real man!"

"Check this out fellas, this fag's worried about my balls," Dylan said to raucous laughter from the peanut gallery. "Get over yourself kid, I don't need to prove anything to an uppity shit head like you. I'm saving the 'manly' one-on-one stuff for the tournament tonight. So until then... Stone Edge!" The Geodude pulled two large stones from deep inside its mouth (don't even ask me how that works... just don't). It crushed the rocks in it's grip, shattering them into hundreds of free floating shards. It thrust its hands out and sent the shards racing towards us in two streams as fast as machine gun fire.

Pearl ran left and I ran right, each of us trying to dodge our own barrage of deadly rock shards. Adrenaline kicked in instantly and I found myself running faster than I thought was possible for me. I ran in the most erratic and serpentine directions - anything to throw off the Geodude's concentration - but it was no use. The stream followed me like it had a mind of it's own. Over the ubiquitous whizzing of the shards slicing through the air, I could hear Dylan and his friends laughing and taunting at us.

"Don't let them get away Geodude!"

"They can't run forever!"

"Look at 'em squirm!"

"I exist!"

"Diamond! The tree! Go to the tree!" I heard Pearl scream over all the noise. I frantically whipped my head around trying to figure out what he meant. We were in a wide open field, there wasn't a tree in sight. What could he have possibly- And that's when I saw it. On my far right, fifty yards away, was a lone oak tree standing proud and tall over the grass line. With no other options, I abruptly changed directions and ran for the tree like a bat out of hell. Pearl, who was already much closer to it than I was, was able to dive behind the tree to safety, his shards ricocheting off the tree's thick bark.

Dylan growled and yelled, "Forget him! Go after the other one!" With a flick of its wrist, the Geodude redirected Pearl's stream towards me. I was trapped with one stream baring down on me from behind and one coming towards me from the front. I stopped dead in my tracks, lowered my head and wrapped my arms around it. No point in delaying the inevitable. You know how they say that your life flashes before your eyes in times like this? Well it happened to me.

I came to the conclusion that my life sucked.

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow!" Preston, who I had forgotten about in all the commotion, flew over my head at the last minute and unleashed a Whirlwind attack that sent all of the stones flying in every direction but mine. I stared at him with my mouth agape for a moment. I didn't even think he knew any attacks. I always just assumed that he was too stupid to learn any moves.

"Preston, you beautiful son of a bitch!" I said gratefully, patting him on the head as he alighted on my shoulder. He immediately spat another hair ball in my face but I tried not to let that dull my appreciation for him at that moment. Using Dylan and his merry band of assholes' wide-eyed, open-mouthed bewilderment to my advantage, I literally skipped the rest of the way and took shelter behind the tree, giving them the finger the whole while.

Dylan didn't like that one bit. With globs of spit flying from his mouth, he screamed, "STONE EDGE AGAIN!" The Geodude resumed it's attack with renewed vigor. The rock bullets pounded away at the bark like a jackhammer. I didn't realize until later that he could have just ordered his Geodude to make the Stone Edge go around the tree instead of through it but he seemed to have forgotten that in his rage. Not that I'm complaining.

"Hey. How's it going?" Pearl said casually, as if he had somehow forgotten that we were in mortal peril.

"Well, aside from having some crazy douche bag trying to kill me right now, I'm fucking peachy."

"Cool." He took a poke ball out of his pocket and enlarged it. He stuck his arm out from behind the tree and returned All Star back to the ball. "Woo! If I left without this guy I would never forgive myself." He stuck his head out but quickly pulled it back in when some stones came flying toward his head. "Don't worry about a thing dude. I've got a plan to get us out of this. I'm going to distract them and while they're chasing after me you go back to town. I can run circles around these doofuses so it should be no problem. But before I go I need you to promise me something."

"What?"

"Promise me you'll go to the party later!"

"Why the FUCK are you still on this? We kind of have bigger problems right now!"

"Hey!" he said, shoving a bloody forearm in front of my face. "I saved your God damn life a minute ago and I'm about to do it again! I think that's worth going to one stupid fucking party with me!"

"Augh! Fine, just get that nasty shit out of my face!"

"Righteous. Let's get this show on the road," he said, taking off his shirt.

"Umm... What are you doing?"

"Saving our skins! Think fast douche bags!" He tossed the shirt out into the open where it was immediately torn to ribbons by the Geodude's Stone Edge. While the Geodude was distracted, Pearl leapt out from the opposite side of the tree and ran towards the center of the semicircle at breakneck speed. Before it or anyone else could stop him, Pearl used the Geodude's face as a literal stepping stone and did a front flip over Dylan and Eugene's stupid, flabbergasted faces like a motherfucking Olympic gymnast.

SWAG.

"Catch me if you can mothersucklers!" Pearl taunted, cackling like a mad man as he got a huge head start on them. Dylan and his circle of numbskulls took the bait and chased after him into the distant treeline and deep into the woods. I stepped out from behind the tree as soon as the coast was clear and shook my head in exasperation.

"All I wanted to do today was de-doof the fucking house... Come on Preston. Looks like we have a party to get ready for..." I sighed as I slowly and irritably trudged my way back to town.

Author's Note

Two chapters down, an indeterminate amount more to go! I would like to thank everyone who left reviews on the last chapter, they were all very encouraging. I was surprised that most, if not all of you, were people who had read the first Diamond Fists. I didn't think that any of you would be willing to put up with my bullshit again and that means a lot to me. On an unrelated note, I caught that Homestuck reference Rotciv. You've officially won everything forever, hehe.

Anyway, this is the second time I'm posting this chapter. I took it down the first time to fix some grammar mistakes, make changes to a few lines, and change faux hawk's name from the stupid and ridiculous 'Motherfucker Jones' to the equally stupid and ridiculous 'Commander O'Boogie'. I didn't realize until after I put the chapter up that Motherfucker Jones was also the name of a character from the movie Horrible Bosses (and here I thought I was being original :P). I was going to leave it alone at first but I didn't want anyone whining to me about it later on so I changed it. The chapter only had three hits by the time I took it down anyway so there wasn't much harm done, I suppose. To the three people who read this chapter's first iteration: Stop jonesin' for that motherfucker and just boogie already. I command it.

Cheers people!