Chapter five
It was the day of her first insemination appointment and Beckett was nervous. Not nervous about the procedure exactly, but nervous about how quickly she had taken upon the idea. Thinking things over carefully late at night, with half a glass of wine and some Chinese take out, Beckett's mind wandered. Why had she willingly accepted Castles donation? Kate prided herself on her reason and rationality.
This decision clearly was not based upon any type of thought whatsoever! She would snap at herself. But then she would picture herself with a tiny baby in her arms and calm down.
However, a thought that would gnaw at her subconscious was Castle's intentions.
Why was he so quick to give his sperm away?
She had not even suggested he offer. She had simply wanted to tell him; tell someone about what she was going to moral support, to talk her about of it, for some sort of opinion! She felt Castle could be that person already being a father and all.
Oh God. A father.
How on earth would Alexis feel about all this when she found out? Kate mentally kicked herself for not thinking about how this decision would affect people around her. It held far more implications that her simply getting a baby.
How involved would Castle be? Would he demand daily visits? Would he not want to see the child at all?
Have I thought about any of that?
Kate realised that she had been so intent on getting pregnant she had not thought about what was to come after.
She sighed as she pulled up to the doctor's clinic after work. Switching the car off she sat in the drivers seat and stared down in her lap.
This is it Kate. No turning back.
She knew she wanted this. That was not the issue. The predicament she had gotten herself into though was not.
Gathering up all the courage she could muster she stepped out of the car. Walking carefully into the doctor's clinic, she had come to a decision;
Castle could not be involved with this child for both their sakes.
Riding the elevator up to work the next morning Kate anxiously thought about how today's events would unfold. She knew she needed to confront Castle, but she didn't know how. Best of all, she didn't know how he would take it.
"Morning detective."
Kate's eyes narrowed at the individual currently perched next to her desk. Steaming coffee cup in hand.
"You're here early…" Kate observed, giving him a slight smile of thanks as she took the cup.
"Yeah. Well I thought it would give us a small chance to talk about- well you know. Yesterday."
His eyes never left hers as she took a swig of her coffee. Only it wasn't coffee. Kate cranked her nose and swallowed.
"Tea, Castle? Really?"
"Hey! Do you know how many antioxidants are in tea? It's good for you. Tea also calms the soul, Beckett. Don't diss tea!"
Kate lifted an eyebrow up at him.
"I thought I'd help ween you off coffee for when the time comes." He offered.
Kate wasn't exactly sure how to take this gesture. Should she be thankful that he's concerned for her wellbeing or should she be concerned about his protectiveness? For the time being she would remain neutral on the subject.
"So?" Castle prodded.
Kate, almost like a Meerkat sussing out its prey she craned her neck and scanned the precinct for potential eavesdroppers. Not spotting any potential candidates in sight she lowered and whispered;
"I won't know how the procedure went for a few weeks yet."
"But it's happened?"
"Yes."
"Will you let me know when you find out?"
"Yes."
"Will you let me come with you to the doctors appointment?"
Kate stopped and stared at him for a moment. She was unsure of how to continue. Was this what he really wanted? Was this what she wanted? Nonetheless this seemed to be a good leeway for the conversation she knew had to take place.
"Castle let me ask you something. How involved do you want to be?"
"In what?"
"In the child's life."
"How involved do you want me to be? Technically it is your child." He counteracted.
He's putting all this on me?
"Technically it's-"
"-Morning Beckett!" came a cheery but rather unwanted interruption from Ryan behind them.
Ryan noticed Castle sitting uneasily next to his boss's desk. "Oh hey Castle," you're here early." He observed.
"What can I say? I'm a committed professional. Always a stickler for them rules."
Castle could practically hear the eye roll from Kate. Ryan disappeared to his desk.
"Conversation for later? My place. Mother and Alexis are out tonight."
Giving him a quick nod she turned quickly in her chair.
"Ryan any word from CSU on that camera footage?"
Kate gave him a small smile as he led her into his apartment.
"Are you hungry? I made pasta."
Giving him a small nod, Kate sat herself down on one of the counter top chairs. "Sure."
He handed her a steaming plate and they ate right there in silence. Both were silently wishing for the other to prompt the conversation they inevitably had to have. Kate was the first to break.
"Castle we should stop avoiding the subject. Let's get this over with."
He didn't say anything. Instead he chose to pick up their empty bowls and put them into the dishwasher. He finally spoke.
"Okay Kate, let's 'get this over with'."
Is he…mad?
Kate blinked. Unsure of both his tone and words.
"Look, I feel we kind of just jumped into this whole thing without talking it through properly. We both wanted this – you were willing to help. We're not trying to sort out if this was a mistake here. I'm just trying to figure out your involvement in this Castle. You wanted to help – you've helped. You've done your part."
"Yes, I've done my part. " he agreed. "But Kate these past weeks has made me think realistically about this. Will you tell the kid about me? Will I even get to know him or her? Or will I just be one of 'mommy's friends' that comes to visit and gets them a nice birthday present every year? What about Alexis and Mother– do I get to tell them about potentially becoming a father again? Damn it Kate have you thought about any of that?!"
Kate's eyes were wide open in shock. She was not expecting him to be so…aggressive. Although she could see where his frustration was coming from, old defensive Kate came rearing back.
"Look, I don't know okay? If you're so upset about all of this perhaps it's best for you to not be involved at all. "
Something changed in Castle's demeanour. He no longer looked just frustrated. He looked…defeated.
"At all?" he repeated.
Kate's walls were extremely guarded. "I think…it would be best if I did this alone."
Castle winced. Then his eyes darkened.
"Fine. It's your child Kate you can do what you want."
"If and when the baby is born I'll be more than happy to sign any legal documents on issues of child support. I don't want to take any money from you Castle."
He just stood there lifelessly watching her. Not uttering a single word.
"I think it's best if I go."
With that Kate quickly exited his apartment. Leaving a trail of despair in her wake.
This particular chapter was shorter than the rest for a reason. From here it might get a little angsty. Any suggestions for where you want this to go will be welcome!