Um, yeah. I think this makes sense, but I'm a bit tired and brain dead right now. I said I would update Tattered White Dress, but this was easier in my semi concious state as its fresher in my head. (and my idea versus Ambyr's...)

Kat

-Mello-

It was a mixed blessing, not being able to be intimate with Matt often. I love him. Don't ever doubt that I do, but the damn sheep.

When we first came here Matt and I were about ten. We roomed together in the big house, Whammy taking care of us. We quickly became best friends. L was never the most social of people, so we only saw him at dinner, if that. We grew up sharing a room, even though the house was plenty big enough for us to have our own. All we had was each other; it just made more sense to stay together. When we turned fifteen… Well, we broke into the extensive wine cellar of Whammy's and took a bottle of cheap stuff, one that wouldn't be missed. A night of drunken shenanigans ensued, and I woke the next morning naked, atop an equally nude Matt with a sore ass.

It was the start of a beautiful relationship.

Whammy caught us kissing a week later. He just smiled, said "excuse me boys," took the book of the counter and left.

It wasn't a dictatorship then. The numbers existed, but it was more of "these are the roles you will be best suited for in this society, pick from this list".

Then L happened.

He slowly began to take over for Whammy, starting when we were fifteen. When we were eight-teen Whammy died. L had total control.

I think L killed him.

He began his regime, almighty dictator with his sheep lackey. Near didn't follow the rules. He was L's mini-me and they both did as they wished. Still is to this day.

By the time I was twenty Near decided he wanted me. I couldn't say no or be killed. The first time, he was mad I didn't get hard. I couldn't. I never have, never will. Matt is the only one. At first it was…bearable. He was careful, tried to make it feel good, wanted to break me, to make me eat my words of "Matt is the only one." But it soon became clear what he wanted wasn't going to happen. Then he didn't even try anymore.

I was his whore, a place to empty his balls.

And that's why it's a good thing Matt and I can't be together often anymore. Near is getting more and more frequent, and if Matt saw just how torn up and scared I am…. I have no doubt Near would be dead by morning.

And I would have to kill Matt.

I would die myself, before I harmed him though, but either way, I wouldn't be with my red-head.

I was sick of it. Sick of the secrets, the lies, the hidden violence, the killings…

I watch Matt sleep across the room, watching him sleep it was almost easy to imagine we were in the same bed. L let the shared room pass as it was "habit." I would live in a cardboard box if it meant we didn't have to hide anymore. We knew the loopholes though.

Keeping the door open allowed us to be in the bath at the same time. We were high enough our baths weren't bugged, so leaving the door open allowed us appreciative glances at the others body whilst we brushed our teeth and they showered, or took a piss or any combination. On days we were really daring I would yell, so the cameras would hear, for him to "shut the damn door, letting all the warm out and I'm fucking freezing." And then he would crack it and furious kissing and a quickie would ensue.

Sleep didn't come easy. I was hurting from Near, damn sadistic bastard, and heartbroken about the elderly lady I killed tonight. She was so sweet, the town grandmother. She kept kids while their parents were at work, and would teach the girls to make cookies. It was cute. She would bring the kids around sometimes and share the cookies with us at the station.

Another thing L allowed. It was good for public image and morale.

I really liked her. I'm sorry Grandma Ruthie, forgive me. May angels lead you home.

I woke early the next morning. Something was wrong. Then I heard it. Knocking. We weren't expecting a visitor. L had to approve all guests ahead of time. Another one of his paranoid preventive measures…

Oh shit. L.

I quickly got up and answered the door. Sure enough it was him, the sheep standing behind him. Matt (who had joined me) and I visibly paled, but I invited them in as Matt excused himself to make coffee or whatever drinks for our guests.

L stopped him with a raised hand.

"Near stated you gentlemen have something to share with me?"

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Near smiled sadistically, "Tell him the truth, Mello."

Fuck.