After they leave the hospital behind them, they are back to their odd on and off arrangement. It's even more notable now. Sometimes Morgan looks like he's about to tell something that will change the situation drastically, but each time he backs off and closes up. The range of their interactions now is much bigger than before. Only a month earlier they were on a stable friendly distance, and now it's strong friendship one day and ignorance the next one.
Reid doesn't know what he's done wrong this time. The obvious version is: once again Morgan had to deal with a completely out of his control life-or-death situation because of him, which made him put his emotional shields up. But to Reid's surprise Morgan actually seems to be doing fine with that. He isn't angry and he doesn't look hurt or out of balance, he isn't even overprotective as he tends to be after such cases. He was for a while, but that period Reid spent in the hospital, it's long over now. So once again: Reid doesn't have a clue of what's wrong. He goes with the flow - this way it's less probable that he'll make it worse. Sometimes Reid thinks that maybe what Morgan tries to discuss is that "Sorry" moment with a glass door between them, when Reid completely gave out that he knows about Morgan's problems. Maybe he doesn't like that Reid knows, maybe he doesn't want to be seen weak like this. Maybe that's what's keeping him away. Maybe he's trying to decide if he is ready to trust Reid enough to admit that weakness… Reid doesn't force him, he just waits. And he loses. Whatever Morgan decided, he doesn't let Reid know. It hurts, but well… it's not like Reid has any right to blame him. And it's not like he has a lot of time to dwell on it either because somewhere between cases a tragedy happens. They lose Emily. When she dies in surgery, part of him dies with her. Emily was a close friend, he loved her dearly, he counted on her wisdom and support so many times… and now she's gone. And as if that's not enough, their team is being split up and reassigned, and for some time Reid's world literally stops spinning.

Emily is gone, Hotch is far far away, Garcia and Rossi are not that close either. And Morgan is completely out of here - Reid tried to talk with him, but Morgan doesn't really hear him, he doesn't even look at him, all he thinks about now is getting revenge for Emily. Reid can't reach him and honestly he is too deep in his own grievance to keep fighting. So he gives up. All he really has right now is JJ, and he is grateful to her for letting him cry over her shoulder again and again. Loss of Emily, his migraines getting worse, Hotch and Morgan far away and his mother not recognizing him half the time... it's like his whole world is falling apart. He hardly keeps himself from taking drugs again. He remembers perfectly well how dilaudid took his pain away, and he is eager to get rid of the pain. But he feels responsible for the team and for all those who still count on them no matter what they are going through. There are still bad guys kidnapping, raping, torturing and killing people. They are not going to turn themselves in just because one of BAU teams have some inner issues. So he cries out his anger and his sorrow at Jennifer's place, he spends time with Henry, he re-watches old episodes of Dr. Who and he stays away from drugs. And then Emily is back.

He wishes he could just be happy like Morgan and Garcia are. But despite how happy he is to have Emily back, he can't stop feeling betrayed. He didn't have JJ after all. She is his best friend, he is a godfather of her son, but she was able to lie to him for ten weeks straight. She didn't even see how bad it was. Reid can't do it anymore. He can't open up and assume that someone cares and then take a punch like that. That's selfish of course, and maybe even childish, but he just can't. After the first splash of fury calms down, he is not even angry. He is just so very tired.

He thought that they are friends with JJ. But to fulfill an order was more important to her than being a friend to him. He thought that they are friends with Morgan. But Morgan prefers self-destruction to whatever they have, he forgot Reid completely in his sorrow and vengeance which would be fine (after all, Reid never thought he's more important to him than Emily) if Morgan didn't also push him away and ignore his attempts to help like Reid was no one. Morgan is ready to help when he is able to, but he still doesn't trust Reid after all these years. That's as far as Reid can go on hope alone.

He doesn't want to count on somebody anymore just to be let down in a moment of need. And he doesn't want to let anybody down himself. So he is playing happy-go-lucky, and it looks like the team falls for it. He isn't a bad magician after all. And he was alone almost all his life, so it's nothing new, it's nothing he can't handle, right? What he doesn't realize is that he isn't the same as before he got into BAU. He could handle being alone then, but back then he knew nothing else, and now he knows a lot. He had Gideon and Hotch protecting him in their own ways. He had Morgan, and Elle, and JJ, and Emily to care about him and to let him care about them. He got used to having friends. And now suddenly he has no one. They are still friends, of course, they still care about each other, but it's different now. He's not counting on them anymore. And that's almost like he's all alone even on his own birthday party. Also it's harder now. He's thirty and he is not a boy wonder whose whole life is ahead of him. He has maybe five or six years left if schizophrenia hits him after all. He hasn't accomplished even a quarter of what he dreamt about ten years ago. He is basically just an FBI agent, not a bad one, but that's so much less that he hoped he would be. There's no one waiting for him at home. Aside from work there is no one waiting for him at all. Well, maybe Henry. But Henry is small enough to forget him if he doesn't show up few months in a row. That's better than his own mother's time.

All in all it's too much to handle on his own, and Reid feels he is slipping. He hasn't slept a full night in weeks. Most of the time it's not even nightmares that are keeping him up, he just can't fall to sleep, too full of anxiety and frustration. He feels lost. He doesn't quite know who he is anymore apart from a human Google and a general nerd.

He still checks on Morgan though. Maybe that's just a habit of his. He saw Morgan totally crushed by Emily's alleged death and he doesn't want to see him like this ever again. He makes sure not to impose his own issues on the man, and he also makes sure not to show he is worried when that's the case. He observes from outside when Morgan handles the cases of his cousin and of a crazy sadistic pedophile. Fortunately Morgan seems to be doing just fine. Looks like he doesn't need anyone's help. Especially not Reid's. They stay away from each other and even though Reid misses their conversations and their fooling around, and just generally misses Morgan, it actually helps with his plan. Because if he can fool Morgan, he can fool anyone. Not Gideon, probably, but then again - Gideon is not here.

He can't fool himself either. One day he returns to their office after a hard Las Vegas case and he stays there after everyone else goes home. Just this morning he met his mother in the hospital. Doctor told him she was having a good day so he thought he shouldn't miss a chance to finally talk to her. They talked for an hour. She was peaceful and friendly. She kept telling him about her brilliant little boy Spencer who he would certainly like if he knew him... that is just too much. Reid thought he got used to it, but after that case and after being alone while still making the impression of being totally fine… that's just too much. He stays in the office because he is too tired to go home and because at least here he knows who he is even if it's just a job name. At least here he has some good memories hence he feels somewhat safe. He sits in an armchair and listens to silence filled with a noise of air-conditioner and a buzz of electrical lamps in a hall. He falls asleep without even noticing it.

He's having that dream again. He is on a party and everyone is there, and he is happy and relaxed. That is until room goes dark and suddenly there is no one there. He is alone in the dark and just when he starts panicking, he sees Morgan with a flashlight. Morgan searches the room with a ray of light and Reid respires for a moment but then he realizes: Morgan can't see him. He stares right at him, but he doesn't see him. He turns around and goes away, and Reid wants to follow him, but his legs don't move. He calls Morgan and asks him to stop, but he doesn't seem to hear, he just walks further and further away until the light is just a bright spot in the darkness. He wakes up but he is still in the darkness and he still can't move, and its scares the hell out of him, so he fights first and thinks later. And then he realizes that something is not right, something is different. He is pressed to a firm warm something which seems to be a shoulder, and he feels someone patting his back, and then he hears a voice asking him to calm down. He knows this voice perfectly well. Reid doesn't know what's happening but somehow his nightmare ended with Morgan keeping him in his arms and telling he's not going anywhere. That's far beyond awkward but it also feels so good that Reid allows himself to just be there for few minutes. And then he moves away and tries to talk them out of this situation without making it even more awkward that it already is. He hopes Morgan will get the hint and leave, and forget about it. At the same time he desperately wishes time to stop, because despite the embarrassment and bizarreness of the moment he actually feels better now than any day in the past few weeks. That's what Morgan does to him. He makes him feel safe without even trying to do it. Reid would hate him for that power if he could, but since he can't hate Morgan at all, he just stops fighting it and enjoys while it lasts. What he doesn't expect is Morgan suddenly saying he failed him. What's that supposed to mean?
"I think you got it wrong", - Reid says. - "Or maybe I got something wrong. What are you talking about, Derek?"
Morgan answers: "You are in pain. I want to help", - and all those walls Reid spent so much time building around him start falling apart. He wants help. He needs help. He can't ask for it - both because he can't put it on Morgan and because he isn't sure he can handle someone failing his trust one more time right now. So he focuses on the safe part of what Morgan said.
"You don't have to do this, you know. I'll be fine by Monday. But that's not what I asked."
Or so he thinks until he hears the answer.
"I apologize for running from you. I'm nothing but a cowardly idiot and I don't deserve your trust. I was an awful friend to you but until someone who is worthy appears, please, Reid, talk at least to me. You are not fine. You haven't been fine since long time ago."
Reid knew it for many years now, he knew that Morgan can't handle what Reid is putting him through by being so reckless and by getting into trouble all the time… he knew it, but it still hurts to hear it from Morgan. Even if Morgan is sorry for that - it's not like either of them can change anything. It doesn't matter if Morgan wants to help. Reid doesn't have the right to let him do it. Because...
"You are running from me", - says Reid out loud not even realizing it until it's too late.
"Yeah… I mean, no! Crap… Reid, it's not from you, it's from…"
"…my issues. You don't need to say it. Really. I get it and it doesn't make you an awful friend. It's ok."
"It's not ok. I know that I deserve this, but if you think so, nothing is ok. God, Spencer… I'm sorry, you hear me? I don't run from you and I don't run from your issues or whatever. What I do run from are my own issues and my own fears. I run so fast I make mistakes on almost every step. Don't argue please, I was a crappy friend to you this last year. But I'm here right now. And I would very much like to help you with anything I can."
And that's totally unfair. Reid tried so hard to keep Morgan out of this, to keep him from harm. He doesn't even know if Morgan is able to help at all or if he goes into this for nothing. Reid did his best, but he can't win against this. He is too tired to fight alone, he is too tired in general, and it feels too good to be here and to really talk to Derek again. So he gives up and lets himself ask for a little help. Just a little - and then he would be able to keep going on his own again.
"Can I sleep over at your place?" - asks Reid. That sounds so pushy and intimate, that Reid momentarily remembers how Morgan refused to sleep in the same room with him a year ago. - "You doesn't have to let me. It would make me feel better but if that's inconvenient, it's ok, and I mean it."
Morgan just says: "Of course you can", - and gets up. Reid gives him a shy smile and also climbs out of chair.
"Keys?"
"Got it."
On the way to Morgan's car Reid can't stop thinking just how good it feels to have Morgan's shoulder to lean on, literally and figuratively speaking. It's like he can finally breath without an inhaler on his face. Intoxicating. He knows the feeling.