They sit in Morgan's car and listen to silence, but that's not a comfortable silence they used to have between them. This silence is full of anxiety and worry, Reid can feel it. For some time he tries to ignore it, he tries to keep it to himself, but then again - he is so very tired to fight it alone, and Morgan is here making him feel safe and willing to help no matter how bad it can strike him back. So Reid gives up and just starts talking.
"I feel like I'm fading away. My mother didn't recognize me this week. That's the third time in a row. Statistically schizophrenia hits at the age of twenty five to forty. I'm thirty already. I don't know how much longer do I have. And besides my being an FBI agent I've done nothing in my life that does matter. Outside of our job, outside of what we do who am I, Morgan? If I go crazy, if I disappear, not even my own mother will notice."
He doesn't really expect an answer. Maybe he hopes Morgan will magically do or say something that will make his troubles go away, but that is stupid and unrealistic. Thus he doesn't expect any answer, but he gets one anyway. "I'll notice", - Morgan says in a tight and quiet voice, and that makes Reid feel bad. He didn't mean to call Morgan insensitive or indifferent. Of course he will notice, and be sad, they are friends after all. He starts explaining that, but Morgan doesn't seem to care, he just says once again, and this time his voice has power and conviction in it: "I will notice. You won't disappear. Whatever happens you will not disappear, Spencer. I won't let it".
Reid actually believes it for a moment, and that's the only reason he says what he says next.
"If I go crazy…"
"Even if you go crazy".
There you have it, all kinds of awkward again. No good exit from here, because really, no matter what they say, it's not like anyone can protect him from madness. He knows. He saw it in his own mother's eyes for far too many years. No one can protect from that. He needs to believe it because he needs to know he didn't fail his mother. All in all there is nothing to discuss, there are no answers and no promises anyone could keep. Not even Derek.
"Will you visit me in an asylum?" - he asks, trying to joke them out.
"Nope. I will live with you"
"Ahaha, that was funny", - says Reid, still trying to go with jokes, even if he doesn't really understand what's happening, and how can Morgan say such unrealistic things with such serious voice like he truly believes that. Well, for all Reid knows, Morgan does believe it. That's who he is. Overprotective and impetuous. He'll say and do anything to make his friends feel better. The thing is, Reid knows what it's like to live with a schizophrenic. You don't do it for friends. And you don't make a promise that you won't be able to fulfill. Not this kind of promise.
"Look, I really appreciate your support, but it's kind of too much."
"That's my house" - is all Morgan says before stopping the car and going to a front door. Reid sighs and gets outside. He can hear Clooney, and soon enough he can also see him, jumping excitedly onto Morgan, obviously happy to see his owner home. Reid doesn't really like dogs, but he feels a little jealous. Maybe he should get a cat. Emily has one. He can ask her how she arranged him being fed while she's gone… not "gone" gone. That time - he knows - Garcia took care of the poor thing until… no. No cats.
In the mean time Morgan is finally done with the whole "honey, I'm home" thing, and Reid can finally step into the house. He's never been here before. He can't concentrate on the interior though, because all his attention is drawn to the dog. Clooney doesn't seem to be violent, and Morgan is near to stop him if he would suddenly want to bite Reid or something, and also Spencer himself is a grown up man, so he can take care of himself… but then again. He and dogs. Not the best combination. Somehow it works this time and ten minutes later he finds himself sitting on a floor with Clooney on his legs, both happy and relaxed. Ten more minutes and he would probably fall asleep just like that, while he is warm and relaxed and succeeds in not thinking about Morgan's words from earlier. That's when Morgan returns with a cup of tea and silence falls onto them once again. This time Morgan breaks it first.
"I meant every word, you know. You won't disappear. You exist outside of work, Reid. You sure as hell do exist."
"You can't know it. You don't know me outside of work."
"Are you sure?"
Reid can feel that Morgan is hurt by his words, but he is sure. They've been distancing from each other for years now. They almost don't meet outside of work. They don't have much of that "outside" time anyway. And also, maybe he is angry at Morgan for preferring revenge and self-destruction over him, after all. For not trusting him all these years. For not letting him come closer. Just a little bit angry. Morgan is great, and they had always have that unbelievable level of understanding each other, but Morgan had pushed him away almost every time Reid tried to go further than friendly jokes. Like he was scared. Reasons are one thing, but the result is a whole different story... they don't know each other outside of work. Morgan never even wanted to know. Not after Tobias case. So maybe he deserves to be hurt just a little bit. Or maybe Reid wants him to stop being so kind and caring because he can't let himself get used to it again. That won't last anyway. But Morgan doesn't stop.

"Listen, Reid… Spencer… you know that I know a lot about you that has nothing to do with work. And I also know that's not what you mean. But you have to trust me on this, kid. I know you. Not a colleague, not a genius Dr. Reid, but you. If you leave the team I would miss you. I would miss you like crazy. Not your knowledge, not your ability to make a picture out of seemingly unrelated facts, though I would miss those too, and not the jokes and stories you tell. You. Like I missed you last couple of months."
"What do you mean?"
"Yeah, I missed you and I don't think I am the only one. You are here physically but it feels like you are thousands miles away."
"You never told…" - Reid is genuinely surprised. And a little less angry, because for some reason knowing that Morgan missed him while he was missing Morgan, and that Morgan noticed his happy-go-lucky play, makes him feel warm inside.
"Well, I tell it now", - says Morgan. And then he ruins it all. "I thought you needed some time to be alone, that it would be good for you. But looks like I screwed up again, didn't I?"
Reid hates this. He hates this patronizing tone. He thought for a moment that it was about him, but looks like he was wrong. It was about Morgan and his urge to be in control and to make sure everyone is ok, and the team is balanced and not about to fall apart. This is totally reasonable, but right now… maybe Reid doesn't want to be reasonable right now. He doesn't know exactly what he wants. Just not this. So maybe he is a little snappy when he answers.
"I don't need your pity. It doesn't affect my job so you don't have to try and fix me."
"Spencer, look at me."
It's not as easy as it sounds. Reid is angry at Morgan, and he is angry at himself for being angry at Morgan, and for being so unreasonable and emotional. He is not coping. He knew it earlier, and now he isn't the only one who knows, even if Derek would never turn that against him… he is also so tired of everything. Why can't he just close his eyes and make it go away? Instead he finally gets himself together and looks at Morgan. Just to see his world turn upside down with a few words he never expected to hear said in this voice.
"I love you", - says Morgan, and Reid knows the meaning and believes him right away. All those strange moments, all stares and dreamy looks Morgan gave him, all his mood switches, all awkward pauses, all pushing away, all the things Morgan told him today… all of it makes sense now. Much better one that just Morgan being afraid of getting hurt by loosing his close friend in a dangerous situation he couldn't control. He can see now, when it started. Sometime after narcotics. What he doesn't understand is why Morgan tried so hard to stay away. Is it such a bad thing to love him?
"And when exactly did you plan on telling me?" - he asks instead.
"Never. I wasn't going to tell you at all."
"Why? No, that's not it… why now?"
"Really, that's your question?"
Reid waits, because yes, this is exactly the question. He needs to understand what changed. Maybe then he can understand, why Morgan fought it in the first place. So he waits until he hears an answer.
"Because it looks like you are doing even worse by yourself than I thought you would do with me telling you. Because I can't watch you killing yourself and do nothing 'cause of my fear of consequences. I don't wait for you to return my feelings, that has nothing to do with it, please try to understand this. It's just that if you disappear I will notice. It's selfish but I need you in my life, Spencer. No matter what."
That is almost too overwhelming to bare. And that is also disturbing. Why would Morgan think it would be bad for Reid to know? What consequences could he fear that much? He certainly knows that Reid wouldn't avoid him and get angry even if he wouldn't return the feelings. And Reid honestly doesn't know if he would. He is a mess right now, but it felt good to hear these words, and Morgan was always special to him. He never thought of it as love, but what does he know about love, really? All he knows for sure this very moment is that Morgan wants him in his life, he needs him there, and that means that Reid truly won't disappear. He isn't just a nerd or just an FBI agent who can read very fast and memorize yellow pages. He is not alone. He probably doesn't deserve this, but he is not alone.
"And I did miss you, you have no idea…" - adds Morgan a little desperately, and Reid looks at him, finally realizing how worried Morgan probably feels, not having his reaction.
"I think I know what you mean, actually. But I don't know what else to say. Sorry."
"Don't you apologize", - says Morgan, - "Now, do you trust what I said earlier?"
"Yeah, it makes sense now. Lots of things are. Except why do you need it at all. I'm a big mess, Derek. You were absolutely right to avoid me."
"I was an idiot and now you are trying to be one. Stop that."
"But it's true! You've chosen the worst possible person to fall in love with! A person who is a drug addict and a potential schizophrenic with a lot of unrelated psych issues, regular nightmares, high level of social awkwardness and some really strange hobbies. I've got nothing to offer."
"You don't have to offer anything", - says Morgan, and repeats again like he has nothing to lose, - "I love you. That is with all of your issues and hobbies. It's how it works, ok? You don't have to do a thing, just know that if you need something - anything! - I'm always here for you. Now that you know I won't hide anymore. I won't leave you alone. Unless you would want me to... How are you?"
Reid thinks about it for a while. He listens to himself, but he is still a mess, though a somewhat happy mess. There are far too many thoughts in his head right now to get something coherent out of it. So he gives up and says it as it is.
"I honestly don't know. Is it ok if I answer this question tomorrow?"
Morgan nods and goes away, and returns with a pillow and blankets, and a towel.
"Bathroom is near the kitchen. If you wake up first don't hesitate and make yourself at home. Oh, and Clooney sometimes goes outside at night, don't let him worry you."
Reid thinks he should get to a shower, but he isn't really capable of moving to such long distances right now. So he just nods and looks at Morgan. Who kind of saved him today. He wonders if he'll have that dream again tonight… but he isn't scared anymore, because Morgan came for him today, even if it was a coincidence, and he promised not to leave. And Reid trusts him.
"I'll be in a room next to you, wake me up if you need anything."
"Derek… thank you."
"Good night, Spencer."
"Good night."
He is sure he won't be able to sleep for hours, but he falls asleep the minute his head meets a pillow.

He wakes up because of barking and instantly remembers, where he is, so unfamiliar place doesn't surprise him. What does surprise him though is the time his watch is showing. Which is ten minutes before noon, meaning he slept for almost twelve hours straight and that is a record on its own, not to mention his latest sleep problems.
"Good morning?" - asks Morgan as if unsure of the ability of this exact morning to be good, but still smiling nevertheless.
"Morning. What exactly did you put into my tea?"
"Nothing Garcia wouldn't approve"
"Somehow that doesn't sound reassuring. But if your tea always has this effect you must tell me the secret. I don't remember the last time I slept longer then five hours in a row."
"I'm glad it did you good, pretty boy", - laughs Morgan. Reid is actually delighted by their conversation which is something he missed last year or so. Morgan didn't use pet names on him for a long time, and it is kind of strange he selected this one, but Reid is not the one to over think it. He knows it's just a name, something to tease and joke around, and he wasn't offended by this particular joke not even once, so he is surprised Morgan is startled by his own words. Well, maybe saying someone you love him changes the way you joke around him. Reid wouldn't want that to change. It feels strange though, to think of a mere teasing pet name as of something actually meant to be a compliment. Maybe he'll think about it later.
"Can I use your shower?"
"Sure. And I'll find something to eat. Do you still have spare cloth with you?"
Reid luckily does have it, so he departs to bathroom and uses that time alone to try to figure out what's happening outside and inside his head. This time yesterday he was lonely and miserable, and exhausted of trying to look fine. And now he is in Morgan's house where he was never invited to before. Where no one was invited to before, not even Garcia, as far as Reid knows, because Morgan is really that private. But now Reid is here. Morgan let him in, and he also said he loves him. It suddenly strikes Spencer in its fullest: Derek loves him. Derek was afraid of it, and he tried to stay away, but he couldn't, and he cares enough for his feelings to Reid to outweigh his fears. That's a lot. Reid realizes that it's a completely new territory for him. It's not like any other time he was involved in a love relationship. He trusts Morgan to a level that should scare him (but it doesn't, because… well, because he trusts Morgan, and yes, he realizes it is a Moebius Ribbon and thus not a good judgement), so he is not afraid to do or say something that would make him rejected. But he is afraid to hurt Morgan. He knows enough to understand that letting anyone come close to him is hard for the man. He saw more than once how Morgan overcompensates for those years Bufford took advantage of him. He also remembers perfectly well how his friend reacts when he feels trapped. So Reid doesn't want to push too hard or too weak now that he finally has a chance to earn Derek's trust, and he doesn't want to ruin what they have. Even if he isn't sure what is it exactly.

"Fridge is empty", - says Morgan when Reid enters kitchen and takes a sit. - "It's a miracle I still have milk left. I'd say that usually I'm a better host, but usually I don't have guests over breakfast so can't really compare."
Empty fridge is something to be expected - they spend too much time on the job to worry about food in their own homes. Morgan has no reason to feel uncomfortable about it, so Reid concludes he must feel uncomfortable about something else. Something like the fact they both don't really know how to interact in this new context of Morgan loving Reid, and Reid knowing about it but not knowing (and thus not letting Morgan know) anything else, and... sometimes Reid is fully aware that he tends to think too much. He stops and makes himself cereal.
While his brain does the thinking, his lips do their thing: they talk with support of a part of Reid's mind that is by now automatic. He goes into statistics. Of course he goes into statistic! Beats magic tricks given the circumstances.
"Well, actually it is a normal breakfast. Forty nine percent of Americans start their day with cereal. It's sold more often then cigarettes though milk is sold even more often. Also most of the cereal is unhealthy though if you choose whole ones you can actually reduce risk of diabetes and heart decease."
"I'm afraid these are unhealthy ones."
"For us it doesn't matter anyway. Cereal can't make it worse with the amount of coffee we drink. Speaking of coffee…"
"No coffee in my house. Tea?" - asks Morgan who acts like it's totally fine to burst into Wikipedia mode every now and then. Reid smiles to that, relaxes and answers on normal speed.
"Yes, please. Will it make me sleepy again?"
"Not this one. You do know about Hibiscus tea, right?"
Oh no, not again. He just cannot stop, can he?
"It's a national drink in Egypt, Sudan, countries of Latin America and few other places. It's red, it is made of Hibiscus sabdariffa flower, contains lots of vitamins and minerals, proved to reduce systolic blood pressure and to strengthen the immune system in general. And it's not really a tea which is a common misconception, it's a herbal drink made out of..."
He stops because he hear Morgan's chuckling, and also because he is out of air. Very convenient. Maybe he should have gone with magic tricks after all.
"Yes, I do know about it. Sorry for talking so much."
"Hmm? You never apologized for that before", - says Morgan while setting a kettle.
"I was never at your place before". - answers Reid honestly. - "And this makes me nervous."
"Is it because of the place or because of what I said yesterday? I won't take it back but if it makes you uncomfortable…"
"That's not it." - Reid stops him before Morgan has a chance to think of something bad, like Reid wishing he never said what he said, which would be completely untrue and also potentially hurtful for Morgan. "I mean, that matters too, but 'uncomfortable' is the wrong word. 'Unusual' would be a better choice. It's because you let me in. Into your house, into your life, you know… and I don't want to be a hippopotamus."
"Excuse me?" - Morgan looks confused, of course he looks confused, why did Reid even think of that animal? He could have thought of some superhero metaphor and get less confusion in return.
"A hippopotamus in an antique store, just imagine that. And also I don't have any experience in this… thing. No one ever told me that…" - Reid stops and searches for words which would be truthful and straightforward, and that is not easy. "No one ever said he is in love with me. Not really. I don't know how to react, what are right and wrong things to do and ask, and how do I not hurt you… I don't even know myself yet what I feel. Because I care for you, Derek, I care for you a lot and you know it, but… I'm not used to having you around again. And I'm afraid that I'm confusing a joy of having you here again with something bigger."
He didn't even mean to say all of it at once, he just couldn't stop, not with Morgan looking at him like this. Actually it has nothing to do with their current situation. Morgan has always had this effect on him: when he really wanted Reid to talk, Reid ended spilling his guts. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad, but that's how they work.

Morgan keeps silent until the kettle boils. Reid keeps silent too, because it's not his turn to talk, he has to give Morgan time to process. After all, he just said he cannot answer with "I love you too", and while Reid may not be the best person to talk about love, he knows enough to realize that's what you hope to hear when you tell someone how you feel. He takes the cup of tea his friend silently gives him and waits.
"Look", says Morgan finally, "all I want is to help you, not to add problems on your list. Don't try to guess the right thing, just be yourself, ok? Ask what you want, do what you want. And if anything in my actions or words makes you uncomfortable, you tell it to me. I'm serious, Spencer. It wouldn't hurt me, but if I upset you and you won't tell me to stop so I end up upsetting you even more - now that would definitely hurt me. So you just be yourself. What's on your mind right now?"
Reid thinks of dozen of things at the same time, and the main topic is: Morgan must really really love him to be this unselfish after all these years... it's overwhelming and a bit scary, but also very warm, and very very nice to feel. He thinks of that, and he thinks of strange little moments of their past, reliving them now that he knows, trying to restore all the way that got them here. Maybe this is exactly where he wanted them to be, he just didn't know how to name that trust he wished to have for more than five years now. Maybe they were supposed to be here long time ago. Maybe he just deceives himself because he is confused and overwhelmed, and this is really not a good state of mind to decide on anything this significant. So he goes with what he really knows.
"Few things, actually. First of all I think that I'm glad you forgot your keys yesterday. Second, I'm trying to figure out who takes care of Clooney when you are not here because it can't be neighbors or you would have just taken the spare key from them. And also I'm not sure, what did I do to deserve you, but since it happened, I'll try to be honest with both of us. I need to go home, but I would like to return and spend one more night here, if that's ok with you. The thing is, I can't sleep very well last few months, and it's the worst when I'm at home. Even hotels when we are on a case are better. And this night… I don't think it was the tea that helped me. I feel safe with you. So if that's not too intrusive…"
"My couch is your couch. You can stay as long as you want. I promise to be a decent host and not to try to take advantage of the situation", says Morgan, and he must be joking about taking advantage, because Reid would never think that of him, "Oh, and I'll get some food so we won't have to continue on the cereal only diet."
"I could buy some food on my way back"
"Then I'll leave it to you. And about Clooney… he is his own dog, a true child of new century. Come on, let me show you."