Love Is Hell
Chapter Three: The screwy flirtation
Author's Note: This is a fun chapter :D
Sheldon saw that Kate was at the bar, taking a drink of what could only be assumed to be punch, or, as Penny was taking a lot of it, the possibility of it being some alcohol was also predicated. After seeing Wheaton demonstrate an alpha-induced confident prose on Kate, Sheldon was affronted, albeit, slightly hindered. Never did he use such tactics to pick up women...if he ever decided to do such an activity, he'd find other ways to charm rather than compliment Kate's costume.
He glared back at Wheaton, who was watching him while talking to Leslie, the Wonderwoman of the party, although Sheldon felt Penny might've been a better match, despite her blonde hair. Sheldon cantered to where Kate was drinking out of her cup.
"What was that all about?" Sheldon inquired, standing beside her.
Kate glanced at him.
"What?" she said, clearly confused.
"You were just accepting his candor like a flirty bar maid," Sheldon condescended.
Kate, having realized the problem evidently, lowered her glass and gazed at him with a cool, calculating gaze. She smiled afterwards.
"Sheldon, I was accepting his flirting. Did you see me kiss his hand or say he was attractive?" Kate remarked smoothly. She took another drink of the red liquid and with a smack of her lips, she added, "This is definitely not punch."
Sheldon glanced at the beverage for a moment in her response but it didn't distract him for long. He merely gazed at her, eyebrows furrowed, mouth a bit pursed—he was upset.
"I don't like your rhetorical questioning." Sheldon said.
Kate startled a bit. The drink caught in her throat and after a pause, she drank down the liquid and wiped the small amount of alcohol that hadn't passed through her lips. Ultimately, she turned slowly to him.
"Sheldon, he's only making polite conversation. See?" Kate remarked, glancing past Sheldon. The two turned to see Wheaton now waving at her, although the smirk on his mouth and the wink he sent Kate was more than provocative.
Sheldon looked at Kate, unconvinced.
"Kate, I may be naïve at times when it concerns flirtatious conversation and aphrodisiac-related gestures but I'm more than convinced that due to the most recent interaction, I can only surmise you are enjoying Wheaton's proclivities." Sheldon remarked smartly.
Kate stared at him for nearly ten seconds straight and blinked, a change with a smile as well.
"Sheldon," she said gently—she put down her drink on the table, "Why do I get the notion you're a bit jealous?"
"Jealousy is subjective," Sheldon returned coldly. "And you may be receiving the perception of it for the very fact that no only are you exhibiting blatant flattery from his subjection, you reciprocated the nature."
Kate frowned in return saying, "I didn't flirt with him."
"I disagree; you were neither accepting or denying his claims."
"I counter your disapproval—in no way did I accept it or deny it because I blatantly ignored it." Kate remarked. She crossed her arms and said pointedly, "Just because I don't say 'oh, Wil, you're a reasonably attractive man too' or 'well, thank you, golly good gosh', doesn't mean I've accepted his flirt."
"But you're denying it either," Sheldon stated, pointing at her.
"Sheldon, I didn't flirt back." Kate returned. She forced a smile and handed him a drink. "Now, forget about it, move on, and have a drink."
"I don't drink alcohol, Kate. You know that," Sheldon reminded apathetically. He then added shrewdly, "And how can you think I can forget about it? You might as well have been giving him a strip tease."
"How can I give him a strip tease, Sheldon? I'm in a suit." Kate said. She was ten centimeters from taking another drink before she said off-handedly, "And how the hell do you even know what a strip tease is?"
"I've read the book Penny and Leonard gave me for my birthday," said Sheldon dismissively. He frowned at Kate, saying, "It tells me all about flirting too."
"Really?" Kate remarked. "If it did, you'd have all the knowledge in your brain to know that I didn't flirt with Wheaton, nor did I ever intend to accept either. But he called me curvy and attractive, and I wasn't going to disagree."
"Ah-ha!" Sheldon snapped. "There it is!"
"There's what?" Kate remarked.
"So you did accept it!" Sheldon said loudly. He shook his head, saying, "The truth comes out, doesn't it?"
"Oh good god," Kate uttered aloud, rolling her eyes. "You know, for such a classy Bruce Wayne, your Batman is sure having a fit. Listen closely, Sheldon—I didn't flirt with Wheaton, nor did I accept his flirt. I took it as a compliment then came here for a drink." She frowned deeply, remarking, "It's not my fault you're jealous. If it really bothers you that much, maybe you should flirt with me instead."
Sheldon sighed and said, "Kate, I believe the alcohol in your system is clogging the deportation station in your brain that converts facts into reality and applies that knowledge to everyday life, meaning, you know very well that I'm above human interface actions, which includes flirting. One doesn't have to flirt to assert dominance in a situation."
Kate laughed sharply, saying, "Oh, really?"
Sheldon crossed his arms and stepped towards her saying, "Yes, really."
Kate looked at him, sizing him more than likely. She gulped the rest of her drink and placed the empty cup on the table. Apparently, their bicker had attested some attraction as Leslie and Wheaton were still watching them, although the debate had also caused their friends, namely Aragorn and Arwen (Howard and Bernadette) and Penny to noticed as well.
"Then," challenged Kate, "is it not more demeaning of you to accept my flirts?"
"Kate, you know me to be a very intuitive man; if you had been flirting with me in the past, do you not think I would know it?" Sheldon responded curtly.
Howard, Bernadette, Penny, Leonard, Rajesh, Kripke, Wheaton, and Leslie stared at him with the exact same expression of a hinted indication but Kate, on the other hand, remained oppressed—her eyes were narrowed with the challenging era of a clever interrogator but the curve of her lips hinted a more primal taunt.
Kate merely poured the red contents of a wine bottle into a glass and handed it forcibly to Sheldon, who was forced to hold it in any case it would spill.
"Drink this, and loosen up. It'll do you some good. Because," said Kate slowly, her voice edged with malice, "You may scold your friends and enemies but I'm your girlfriend, which means you"-she poked Sheldon on the shoulder-"do not get to chastise me." She raised her eyebrows to him and then walked away.
Sheldon looked after her, saying loudly, "In what manner did I chastise you?"
The question became unresolved as Kate didn't come back. However, Sheldon looked into this cup, looking at the contents carefully. What if someone poisoned it? Sheldon thought about it but Kate was still alive, right? Then again, her strange mood change was slightly aggressive. It she turned into the Hulk in the next hour, wouldn't he? Sheldon poured the cup's contents back into the bowl, then went on a search for Kate.
However, after ten minutes of searching the comic book store, he didn't find her. Instead, he found Wheaton flirting with Leslie, who was laughing.
"Did you see where Kate went?" asked Sheldon, obviously anxious as he was uncomfortably shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
"Kate?" repeated Wheaton.
"Catwoman," Leslie corrected to Wheaton, who seemed to know that Kate for the recognition was immediate, as he smiled.
"Ah, Kate," recollected Wheaton. He glanced at Sheldon and said, "No. Why?"
"I can't find her."
"It's a comic book store," Leslie stated pointedly. "She can only be in the four corners or in the center of the room. Then again, from what I understand, that woman has the speed and agility of Catwoman; she could be at all corners at once."
Sheldon gave her a perturbed look, remarking, "A woman boring speed and agility has no ability in multiplying one's self to be in places where they aren't, Leslie." He glanced the cup she was holding, saying, "It's no question where your stupidity lies, considering your alcohol consumption but then one must assume you're a regular alcoholic as your intelligence hardly stems from a difference at work."
"Don't you have a cat to find?" Wheaton remarked.
"Wouldn't you like to know," Sheldon responded.
"I do know," Wheaton returned. "From what I understand, Sheldon, your search is pretty much done."
Sheldon took off his mask, glancing left and right for the woman he'd come with and then looked at Wheaton with sudden disturbance.
"How did you come to that conclusion?" asked Sheldon.
"I heard your argument with her," said Wheaton. He laughed shortly, saying, "We all did."
"Irrelevant."
"Not really," said Leslie. She stepped towards him, slightly imbalanced. "It's obvious you took Wil's flirting with Kate hard. You're too stupid to realize that she didn't flirt back, but I'm talking to a certifiable dunce, so defending your case is futile as my supposition this beautiful man is trying to seduce me to his proclivities in the bedroom when the party is over."
Wheaton and Sheldon glanced at her curiously—although wheaton was more interested. Leslie gave him a second-doubt look, saying, "You are trying to seduce me right?"
"Yeah," Wheaton admitted, grinning shamelessly.
"Good," Leslie said. "I was gonna say, if you weren't, then you're a natural smooth talker, aren't you?"
Wheaton grinned broadly then looked at Sheldon.
"She's right," he said.
"On what accounts?"
"All," Wheaton returned. He took Leslie's waist in his arm and said steadily, "Sheldon, are you really that upset about my comment about Kate's figure? I mean, dude, you have to admit it to yourself that she's got the figure of a model."
"I'm not going to dignify that with a response," Sheldon retorted with aloofness. He frowned with a bitten anxiety, fidgeting with his hands. "So have you seen Kate or not?"
"Well," said Leslie in a long sigh, "let me think. You insinuated that she flirted with this man here when she didn't say anything. You claim she's never flirted with you, although, I'm pretty sure she has because you know, girls have a natural tendency to do that to a man they're head over heels for, and...let's see, uh, oh yes, she said you were being an ass."
"How was I being an ass?" Sheldon remarked, clearly confused.
"You scolded her in front of the whole group," Wheaton said, laughing. "You don't realize anything you've done wrong, don't you?"
"No," said Sheldon. "Because I haven't done anything wrong."
"Wrong," Leslie said. She handed Wheaton her cup, and asked for him to get her another drink, to which he obliged happily and she looked at Sheldon. "You're a real dumb ass, you know."
"Although you've regularly seized every chance to belittle my intelligence with your repetitive remark, the repetition of a statement does not make the stated true or existent in the future," Sheldon said.
"Neither does your response of 'I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested'. Because even though you say it, I, like everyone here, think you're out of your mind." Leslie said.
"How so?" Sheldon invited.
"Well, for one, you don't think Kate flirts with you. Second, you think she's attracted to Wil Wheaton when she has generally more attraction to you, because that's the only reason I can think of when she turns down that hunk of primal animal for a skinny little white psycho like you," Leslie replied. She smirked and said, "And I can speak like this when I'm drunk. Ha, beat that, dummy." She grinned and then glanced around, saying, "Now, speaking of hunk of primal animal, where's that piece of meat!" She galloped around the group of superheroes in search for Wheaton.
Sheldon looked after her, a bit disturbed. He put on his mask and then went in search for Kate again, although he wasn't sure if the reason she'd disappeared was his fault. When he'd come around the comic book store and found Kate at the bar, once more, she was drinking a third glass of wine. Sheldon cautiously stepped up to her.
"Kate..."
"I'm n...whoa..." Kate shuffled over her feet and leaned against the wall for sudden support, holding her glass. She smiled wildly and said with a slight slur, "I'm not Kate...I'mmmm CATWOMAN!" She raised her glass above her head, moving the glass with conviction.
Sheldon stared at her. Oh frack...
"Kate," said Sheldon.
"I'm not Kate." Kate remarked. "I'm Catwoman."
"Catwoman isn't drunk," Sheldon said.
Kate smirked, the mischief set deep on her face and said with a sultry, low voice, "Oh, yes she is."
"Oh no, she's not." Sheldon said. "Catwoman is currently fencing between good and evil, regularly intervening in the activities of either side, aiding and confronting Batman as we speak."
"You got that right," Kate remarked, smiling at the Batman-dressed Sheldon in front of her. She stepped towards him, although her state caused a short bout of clumsiness and she fell forward on the floor, although Sheldon had caught her in that instant. Despite his catch, he landed on his back and she, on him.
"Normally, I fence both good and evil," Kate muttered. She said in a low voice once more, "But I'm feeling rather bad. Cuff me, Bats." She giggled again and as a reference, she touched his waist where his utility belt was. "No Bat-cuffs. Batman's unprepared."
Sheldon shook his head and pushed her off him. He stood and gathered her shoulders, pulling her up as well.
"Kate, you're drunk."
"Oh, so, Batman doesn't know when he gets my kitty purring, but he knows when I'm drunk," said Kate . She smirked and said, "What else do you know, Dark Knight? Maybe, maybe...maybe we can go take a ride in the Batmobile, and then...then, you canshowmesome..." Kate leaned her back against the wall.
"Kate," said Sheldon gently—although his flashing caution alarms were going off. "Maybe we should go home and you lay on the couch and rest."
"Batman has a couch in the cave? Really?" Kate muttered. She gave him an odd look and then giggled, "Batman's butler's an interior decorator too, eh? Sounds pretty handy, 'specially...specially..." She hiccuped and then looked at Sheldon, startled. "What?"
"What?"
"Did you say something?"
"No," Sheldon said.
"Oh, I thought...I thought you saidsomething...oh nevermind." Kate waved at him dismissively and said, "Batman, you...you...huh?"
Sheldon stared at her incredulously. This was a side of Kate he had never seen before. To be quite honest, he was shocked and in still in a state of awkwardness and surprise. Apparently, the conversation carried to everyone around the room, as they ceased their conversation and turned to them. Once again, Sheldon was at the center of attention, although he lacked the understanding as to why; if anyone was to be under the spot light, it was the woman that was drunk out of her skull, and also under incredible influence. However, those that weren't understanding of the situation, those that didn't know Kate or Sheldon talked again. However, Penny, Bernadette, Leonard, Rajesh, and Stuart were looking on with confused and interested faces.
"Guess..guessswhat," slurred Kate.
Sheldon turned to her.
"Kate, being that I'm one to normally point out the obvious of the situation, I'm designating myself to say that you're completely intoxicated and despite your dispatched sense of humor which I find equally disturbing and annoying, you're only vulnerability is being as such." Sheldon stated.
"Well, you're..you're annoying too, you know," Kate stated coldly.
Sheldon stared at her.
"Where did that come from?" Sheldon retorted.
"You're an ass." Kate muttered.
"I'm not sure if I like this side of you," said Sheldon. "Not only is it alarming but you're also very rude."
"Rude?" repeated Kate. She laughed loudly (where Howard and Leonard looked at her). "Youthink I'm rude, well, let me tellyou something, Sheldon...Batman...Bruce Wayne...whoever the fuck you are, I'll tell you something." She put her cup down on the table and glared at him, pointing. "You think I'm the rude one, the one? You think I'm rude?"
"Yes," said Sheldon flatly. "And you're also being repetitive."
"I call 'bullshit.'." Kate replied. She frowned. "You know, Batman may be a bit fringed when it comes to-to-to social gathering and crap, but Bruce Wayne knows a flirt when he s-s-sees a flirt, and you, Sheldon aren't Bruce Wayne."
"Gee, I can't understand how you managed to arrive at that conclusion," Sheldon stated sarcastically.
"Riddle me this," Kate remarked after a pause. She then hiccuped. Then, Kate glared at him. "What kind of man blames his girlfriend for being flirted by another man?"
"One that's irreparably offended she accepted a flirtatious conjecture," Sheldon remarked.
"You and your big words," said Kate, shaking her head. "You jusssssssst won't accept that you're jealous, and when someone flirts with me, you feel inferior to them cuz you lack the social aptitude for the practice, and in return, you blame me for your short comings...you tall, sexy, son-of-a-bitch."
Sheldon stared at her.
"Was that a compliment or an insult?" Sheldon replied.
"I'd accept it as the former," Leonard butted in. He took Sheldon aside. "Maybe we should go home."
"Yeah," said Howard, stepping behind Leonard, "and miss this? Kate's drunk out of her mind and it's frickin' hilarious."
"I disagree," Sheldon replied but before he could go on, Kate stepped towards him again.
"You disagree? That's a laugh!" Kate shrieked. She took another glass of wine, drank it down in one clever shot then said, "When did you not disagree, Batman?"
"I'm not Batman, Kate. I'm Sheldon."
"Sheldon, Batman, Bruce Wayne, what the fuck is the difference?" Kate muttered. She looked at Leonard, laughing, "You have to be Batman because Green Lantern's right beside you. What's up, GL?"
"I'm fine," Leonard returned, slightly irked. He turned to Sheldon. "I think we should go."
"Go?" interrupted Kate. "Go where? To the Watch Tower? Or to the Bat Cave. Or-or-or-or..." She saw Howard and said, "Oh lookie who we have here, it's, uh, uh, what the hell...brain fart...oh! It's Aragorn!" She waved and said in a different tongue (in Elvish Sindarin) "Hello, Aragorn!"
Penny snuck behind Leonard beside Howard and whispered, "What's going on?"
"Kate's drunk," said Howard.
"I can see that," Penny said.
"Hey!" Kate called, laughing. "Oh my god, Batman, it's like everyone is here. Hi, Hawk Girl! How's my girl!" She stumbled past Sheldon, who stared at her, befuddled, and then leaned on Penny's shoulder. "How the fuck are you, you pretty, pretty birdie...pretty birdie." She stroked Penny's hair.
Penny, who was definitely creeped out, stared at Leonard, eyes widened and eyebrows raised. Amy, who was dressed in professional clothing, clearly saw that Penny was receiving dolled out attention from Kate—not the bestie—and came over. Amy seemed familiar with the act as she saw that Kate, who was giggling over Penny's non-electric mace, was drunk.
"Amy," said Sheldon, clearly surprised. "I didn't think you would be here."
"It's Stuart's thing, so by my efforts of procuring his similar emotional appeal towards the things he admires and loves, I'm here; in return, we've...whoa..." Amy stopped as Kate clamored to her and hugged her with a vice like grip.
"Amy...Amy...Amy—it's been so long!" Kate squealed. She kissed Amy's cheek, muttering, "Sometimes, I wish you and Sheldon and I have one day fling where we bond...and merriment...all that crap that people talk about in porno-flicks, you know...know."
Amy stared at her.
"Kate."
"I'm not Kate," Kate immediately retorted. "I'm fucking Catwoman."
"Okay," Amy replied. "Catwoman, are you drunk?"
"Indeed-y."
Amy glanced around to see that while Sheldon was deeply perturbed by the idea of Kate being intoxicated, as he was expecting the events to unfold as they had done when Amy had taken Sheldon to her place whilst she was drunk, the situation was altogether awkward. Especially as Kate was holding onto her and Penny, Leonard, Howard, and Bernadette seemed all around amused, but also disturbed by Kate's fondness of Amy and Penny.
"How'd you get drunk in the first place?" asked Amy. "You avoid alcohol, the reason you provided for your father having abandoned while in a drunkard state. I figured this would have consummated a constant intolerance for the consumption, just as Sheldon refuses to drink as his father was rigorously involved in the activity."
"Blah, blah, blah," Kate muttered, "Amy..." She released Amy finally.
"To answer your question," said Leonard, "Sheldon and Kate had an argument about Kate accepting Wheaton's flirting and that's made her subconsciously upset that Sheldon thought she was flirting with other men, despite their consistent serious levels in the relationship."
Sheldon gazed coolly at Leonard, remarking, "I never invited you into the precedent, Leonard."
"Oh, Sweetie, you didn't have," said Penny. She indicated to the store, saying, "Everyone pretty much heard you."
"So they're in agreement," said Sheldon. "Kate flirted, which gives me the feeling of having been betrayed..."
"Betrayed?" repeated Kate. She turned to Sheldon and stepped towards him. "How in the hell did I betray you? What the fuck did I do..." Kate stumbled slightly which gave her the slightest inkling of dangerous feat. "You blame me for your jealousy?"
"I'm posing no blame, but if you are, then I say you're correct," said Sheldon curtly. "And for the record, Kate, your mouth has reached a potent level of cursing and obscenities."
"For the record," Kate snapped angrily, "you're an emotionally vacated robot who doesn't understand when I'm flirting with you or when someone flirts with me that I have the loyalty of a frickin' dog and I never flirted back or even showed any wishing of doing so!" She continued furiously, "And for the record, Sheldon, I have flirted with you more than seventeen hundred times with you, but you're too inept in your social skills to figure that kind of crap out!"
"It's not my fault," Sheldon retorted, pointing to himself, "that you choose to do such activities without my consent."
"Oh, now I need your consent to flirt with you? How the hell would you even know?" Kate remarked angrily.
"I would know."
"Really?"
"Yes!"
"Apparently, then, those last seventeen hundred times were completely oblivious to you!" Kate stated.
"Apparently so, or you didn't make them vivid enough," Sheldon retorted. He stepped towards her and said coldly, "Out of those two proceedings, which sounds more likely!"
"You're blinded!" Kate snapped. "You clearly don't understand the action of flirting or hitting on someone."
"There's not a difference!" Sheldon shouted.
At this point, the room was quiet. Penny, Amy, and Bernadette stared at Kate and Sheldon stood within a foot's distance of each other, shouting. While Howard, Leonard, and Stuart mildly watched with open mouths. Sure they had been in an argument with the man but now they saw it from the front lines. They hoped it wasn't a splash zone.
"Maybe you're too stupid to realize it," Kate offered heatedly. "Maybe you're too dumb to figure out when a person is flirting back. Then again, you haven't ever seen me flirt, right, so you can't know the difference."
"Plausible in the latter, but I'm not stupid. I have an IQ of 187—"
Kate then lashed out, "You have an IQ of 187, you have two doctorates and a masters degree, but you know crap about how I feel about you or what even goes on your frickin' mind or body!"
Sheldon rolled his eyes and responded, "One can argue without the obscene language, Kate. Good grief, it's like your from the slums of Nebraska where English is bland and voices carry from one city to another."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Kate shouted.
"You're intoxicated and it's causing you obvious wear and tear," Sheldon remarked, crossing his arms.
"Well, I may be drunk, but at least my knowledge of where I stand as far as this relationship is concerned is complete, whether I'm drunk or sober," said Kate.
"I know where the relationship stands, Kate; it's in the Roommate-Relationship Agreement."
"Is it!"
"Yes, it is!" Sheldon responded. "And it's a good thing too as you're apparently suffering from the memory loss of being drunk."
"I don't need a contract to figure out where I am in the relationship," Kate snapped.
"Obviously you do as you're flirting with every man in this room," Sheldon responded.
"I'm not flirting with every man in this room—I'm not flirting with one!" Kate shouted angrily. "It's not me who's blind, it's you. It's your contract that's screwy, and everything about it is messed up."
"The contract is—"
"SCREW THE CONTRACT!" Kate shouted.
"NO, THE CONTRACT SCREWS YOU!" Sheldon shouted back.
"SCREW YOU!" Kate snarled.
"As the dignified response remains, "Right back at you!" Sheldon returned angrily.
Kate stared at him furiously then looked at everyone else, then, as she had no other coherence, she merely glared at Sheldon then left with the turn of her heel. Sheldon watched after her then turned on his own, leaving to the other side of the building. However, he only entered the bathroom while Kate slammed the door on the way out, leaving the comic book store completely.
There was silence. Then finally...
"So..." said Stuart. "Did they just break up?"
"Well," said Amy, "They didn't say so but let's presume for the safety of the matter that Kate and Sheldon are currently at a barrier in which one will be obligated to apologize; of course, the one indicative of initating the apology is a man whom I've learned is hard from which to extract a proper apology, therefore, one renders the situation unpredictable."
Stuart nodded, saying, "So they might as well have broken up."
Amy looked at him curiously, saying, "Was I not subtle enough?"
"Nope," said Stuart. He smiled though, saying, "But we're making progress."
Amy beamed.