Love Is Hell
Chapter Twenty-Six: Karma-Based Wedding Dates
As Sheldon awoke on Monday morning, he was astounded to see that Kate was up, but not in scrubs. She wore a black shirt with green colored hem, and a knee-length black skirt. Sheldon found this peculiar; he never paid attention to Kate's clothing but this one intrigued him the most. As always, Kate served him: she placed a bowl of oatmeal in front of him, a cup of 2 percent milk in a coffee mug and smiled cheerfully at him.
She turned on her heel happily, humming something along the hymns of Christmas, then sat with a bottle of Diet Coke—caffeine free. Sheldon watched her with caution...something was off.
"Kate."
"Yes, M'dear?" Kate replied, sitting just as happily in front of him with her bottle of coke...caffeine free.
"Are you asymptomatic?" Sheldon asked.
She chuckled, "What?"
"Do you have a tendency to become ill and yet have no symptoms regarding the illness?" asked Sheldon. He took the spoon she offered him and she sat down once again.
"Currently, no," Kate returned. She opened the cap of her coke and drank half of it. "Why?"
"You're acting awfully cheerful this morning and yet I see you're drinking caffeine-free Diet Coke." Sheldon stated. "Also, you're not wearing scrubs. Are you not going to work today?"
"No," said Kate. "I'm on vacation."
"When did this start?" Sheldon asked.
"Today," Kate replied. "It ends on the second week of January. So until then: I'm all yours."
"You're still going to take me to work, correct?" Sheldon stated.
"As always, you are." Kate returned. She took another drink of her diet coke. "Christmas naturally makes me happy but considering I'm going to spend the holidays with my friends, boyfriend, and his mother, I figure there's nothing in this world that can make me happier." She paused, saying, "Then again, I've been wrong before!" At this, she jumped from her seat and skipped merrily to the bathroom.
Sheldon shook his head, and ate his oatmeal. That woman was sometimes a mystery to him.
It was even stranger being in the car with Kate; she was humming to herself as she drove down the streets. California had cool weather but not so cold that you wanted to move and make your home inside a volcano; one could still walk on the beach and be happy—at least it never snowed. Kate and Sheldon were on the way to work.
"Say I'm Bat Girl," Kate began conversationally. "If I told you I was Bat Girl, would you believe me?"
Sheldon looked at her curiously but was interested in her question. As was he always when they talked about DC comics or robots, or computers, or work, or...well, any conversation with Kate seemed worth having.
"And I'm not talking about in Gotham City that there is a current Bat Girl. Pretend Barbara Gordon didn't exist, and there was a Bat Girl in Pasadena," Kate hypothesized. She glanced at him with a mischievous grin, saying, "Would you believe me if I said I was Bat Girl?"
"Not likely," Sheldon said.
"Defend," Kate returned.
"Well, considering you that you lack the flexibility of a martial arts master and you don't know Bruce Wayne, I can verify for a fact you aren't Bat Girl," said Sheldon.
"Have you gone through my closet?" Kate inquired.
"No," Sheldon said immediately.
"Then you don't know for sure that I am or am not Bat Girl; I can have a costume in there for all you know and it only points me as the ally for Batman," said Kate.
"That wouldn't prove anything," scoffed Sheldon.
"Why not?"
"Anyone can have a costume of Bat Girl," said Sheldon.
"True," said Kate. "But I know how to drive the Batmobile."
"This isn't the Batmobile, Kate; it's a vehicle resembling it," Sheldon corrected. "If you ever get under that delusion again, you may want to consider selling it, although I would be the unhappiest person on this planet if you did."
"So I'm not Bat Girl," Kate surmised. She parked at work. She looked at him. "Would you believe me if I said I was Catwoman?"
"Hardly," said Sheldon. "Once again, you lack flexibility."
"Have you ever seen me at my most flexible, Sheldon?" asked Kate smoothly.
Sheldon thought momentarily as they got out of the car. Kate stood beside him and smirked.
"I've proven my point," Kate stated.
"That's not to say you are Catwoman," Sheldon insisted. "Your name isn't Selina Kyle, and you don't have an obsession with any typical or assorted felines. No extraordinary strength, and I've never witnessed you to professionally crack a whip."
Kate smiled, shrugging. They walked into Cal-Tech. Kate recollected that she hadn't been in this building in almost three months. It hadn't changed one bit. She walked backwards, looking at Sheldon.
"So we've concluded I'm neither Catwoman nor Bat Girl. But," said Kate; she did a back flip spontaneously and landed on her feet. "What if I'm Harley Quinn?"
"More doubtful than the other two aliases," Sheldon told her. "Although, I do admit that your backflip was impressive, albeit hazardous to those who were almost hit." He gestured behind her and Kate turned to see that Leonard and Howard were staring at her.
"Hello!" Kate piped.
"Hello," Leonard and Howard replied.
"Hello," Sheldon greeted.
"Hello," Leonard and Howard said again.
"Hello," said Kate again, though she put her hand up for the consistent greetings to stop. The men, likewise, were relieved.
"What are you doing here?" asked Leonard.
"It's a pleasure to see you as well, Dr. Hodfstader," said Kate sweetly.
Leonard looked from her confusedly to Sheldon, saying quietly, "Did you...you know...do something before you came here?"
"I do what I normally do: I wake up at 6:15, eat breakfast at eight, empty my bowels at 8:20, and come to work," Sheldon recited. He gave Leonard an odd look, saying, "What else would I do?"
Leonard shook his head quickly, and looked at Kate, saying, "You're awfully...peppy. Aren't you supposed to be at work; it's Monday."
"I know it's Monday," Kate said.
"I'd hope so," Sheldon returned. He beamed at Leonard, saying, "She made me oatmeal."
"Right," Howard said slowly. He looked at Kate. "So what are you doing?"
"I'm on vacation," Kate replied.
"When did that start?" asked Howard.
"That's uncanny," Kate replied. "Sheldon asked the same. It starts today, and I don't go back until the first week of January...or the second week. You know what, it's all blurry right now." She smiled widely, saying, "It's the holiday spirit, I guess."
Leonard looked from Kate to Sheldon immediately, stating obviously, "But you don't celebrate Christmas."
"This year, I do apparently," Sheldon replied. He shrugged carelessly, saying, "My mother wants to meet Kate and she happens to want to do this on Christmas; between her and myself, I'm making this my settlement where instead of going to church once a year, this will be counted." He smiled in spite of himself.
Leonard looked at Kate inquisitively. "You're meeting Mrs. Cooper?"
"Yes," said Kate dreamily. "It's beautiful, isn't it? I can't wait!"
Howard and Leonard exchanged looks as Kate walked on, looking at the board of many pamphlets. Howard leaned towards Sheldon, muttering, "You didn't do anything dirty before you came here? Did you slip anything in her drink?"
"Of course not," Sheldon said. "I told you. I woke up at 6:15, ate breakfast at 8..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," hushed Leonard, "We know your morning routine. Why isn't Kate all nervous and crap like she was the other day?"
"Apparently, I've become Boyfriend material," Sheldon stated proudly. "Whatever I said to her the other day seems to have made her relaxed."
Howard and Leonard looked at Kate curiously, as she hummed a soft tune of 'Hark, hear the bells'.
"So, she's just...happy?" Howard asked.
"I don't see what is so enigmatic," Sheldon stated. "Yes, I understand her humming is a little new and somewhat overbearing but aside, she's acting presumptuously normal as always."
"She's humming Christmas carols and now...well, I guess she's skipping down the hall," said Leonard. The three scientists watched Kate skip down the hall, around the corner. They then heard her squeak happily. She ran back out and began pointing down the hall, saying excitedly, "Look, they have a Christmas tree down here!"
She disappeared down the hall.
"All right, I can see what's so enigmatic about her," Sheldon admitted. He walked to his office, which used to Rothman's but after much exasperation of competing with Kripke, he'd made a few adjustments to become used to the office. Two greaseboards were empty, per his preference so as to get to work on a different problem rather than fussing over the previous since his last day at work.
With the door closed, he sat in his chair and sighed pleasantly. A few minutes gathered his thoughts; he was aware of Kate's ambiguously optimistic attitude. Although she was relatively easy-going, Sheldon surmised that her overly enthusiastic perception was due to the holidays; known to him, and the only other person being Amy, this was the first holiday in a long stretch of them that she was to spend with others rather than herself. It was the only other reason—besides his mother's strong interference—that Sheldon bothered to have Christmas this year at all.
Sheldon sat back in his chair, rolling left to right thoughtfully. The silence was maddening—the thoughts remained constant. It was the first time in a long time that he was actually by himself. While Kate served to be exceptional companionship, he still valued his solitude.
He only became interrupted of his reverie when a knocked happened on the front of his door.
"Come!" Sheldon called.
The door opened and Kate smiled with her entry, closing the door shortly after she'd stepped inside.
"I was wondering if you'd be accompanying me, or you'd be admiring other trees," Sheldon mused aloud. He stood and uncapped an Expo marker, standing in front of a grease board. Kate took this opportunity to sit in his chair, her right leg crossed over her left knee.
"Mm, I like Christmas trees," Kate noted. "Although they're extremely hard to bring up and then take down. I never bothered to get one; it's just pleasing to the eye."
Sheldon made an utterance to acknowledge her comment as he began writing down equations, its sub-equations and other mathematical things. Kate watched him, admiring the symbols.
"Sheldon, have I ever told you that you remind me of one of this geniuses from Beautiful Mind?" Kate inquired.
Sheldon glanced at her, saying, "I recollect Penny telling me this but if you want to indulge upon the likeness, I invite you to do so." He returned his focus to the board and continued to graph his neutrinos.
"Not only are you intelligent," Kate flattered, "You're also very awkward. It's amazing you don't succumb to delusions of grandeur or impractical hallucinations like those of schizoids; but then they become all paranoid, think they're deciphering some messages in newspapers. On one side, you think it's absolutely brilliant, like 'oh wow, important stuff' but really, after thinking about it, the papers aren't coded. Russel Crowe just thinks they are."
Sheldon looked at her, slightly annoyed, saying, "Kate, you're awfully chatty this morning."
"I'm inexplicably delirious," Kate teased. She was spinning in his chair. "Consider this, Dr. Cooper." She stood and staggered to him; he caught her awkwardly, and she straightened, smiling widely at him.
"I'll consider an alternative," Sheldon noted. "You're obviously overwhelmed by a holiday spirit and if the deity is listening, I prefer the normal Kate to return because I have no idea whom this woman is." He gestured to her and turned his board.
"Ba-hum-bug," said Kate in a low voice. She giggled. Sheldon gave her a half-glare, to which she replied, "Oh, brighten up, Batman. You need some cheering up yourself." She kissed him quickly on the cheek, and hopped to the door. "I'm going to get some ice cream; they're having chocolate and vanilla downstairs for some person's employee of the month party. Want any?"
"No," said Sheldon monotonously. His attention was back on the grease board, his attention maintained. Kate rolled her eyes as though he was a hopeless cause and she closed the door with a click.
Twenty minutes later, there was another knock on the door.
"Who is it?" Sheldon called.
"It's Kate!"
"Come in," Sheldon said.
She opened the door, looking less hyper but all the more grinning like a Cheshire cat. She had two bowls in her hand and a spoon in each. Sheldon gave her a curious glance but turned his eyes to the board instead, intent on solving the problem.
"I have my ice cream," sang Kate. She sat the second bowl on his desk. "They're also having pudding downstairs; I brought you chocolate."
Sheldon turned to her completely, arms crossed thoughtfully.
"Kate, are you going to be this boisterous and disruptive every holiday because if so, I'd like a warning first," said Sheldon.
Kate shrugged, saying, "Condescending you may be, Snicker doodle, but I'm prepared to take whatever sarcastic, intolerable, belligerent tone you may offer, because frankly, I'm in a damn good mood." She offered the second bowl, saying, "Pudding?"
Sheldon gave her a look.
"Kate," he said slowly, taking the bowl in reluctance. "Are you acting this way for attention out of some sense of fallacious neglect or am I under the wrong impression? If so, do enlighten me."
Kate smiled widely again; her grin become one similar to Joker's when he is incessantly pleased—not the evil pleased, but the good kind of pleased.
"Did it ever occur to you, Sheldon, that I'm on my caffeine for a reason? It calms me down, believe it or not, and you cut me off," said Kate. "When I have no caffeine, I'm hyper. Call me crazy but it's my sedative."
"If that's what it takes, I'd rather you be under its influence," Sheldon told her. He set the bowl of pudding on his desk then reached behind, took out his wallet, and handed her a dollar. "Purchase for yourself a coke, coffee—whatever it takes to calm you down."
Kate smiled at him again and took his dollar. She left shortly and came back with a Diet Pepsi, its contents half-drained but Kate was more subtle and calm as she entered a third time. Sheldon sat in his rolling chair, elbows on his desk as his hands were clasped under his chin; he was currently staring at the math problem he'd devised.
"Sheldon," greeted Kate lightly.
"Hello, Kate," Sheldon greeted; he acknowledged but his eyes didn't leave the board. "Have you calmed down since our last encounter?"
"Tame as a kitten," Kate remarked. She stood beside him, looking at the board, although her concentration wasn't solving the problem but figuring out what all those symbols, numbers, lines, curves, and Greek symbols meant and how they managed to make a reunion on the board. Kate ate her Vanilla ice cream and then threw it in the garbage can provided.
"Sheldon."
"Yes?" Sheldon said softly. His attention...still on the board. Damn, that man could keep concentration.
"Has Leonard told you the date of the wedding?"
"I've not recently checked my email," Sheldon stated. "Why?"
"Penny told me it's going to be on New Year's Day, January 1st."
"I know what day New Year's Day is, Kate."
"Do you see the problem?" asked Kate lightly.
"I see a problem, and currently, it's a problem I'm trying to unmask," Sheldon said. "The answer is hidden but I will find it." He narrowed his eyes at the board.
"I'm not talking about the board." Kate stated. "Penny said the wedding is going to be..."
"I heard you, Kate. However, you've not stated a premise therefore I can't counter it," said Sheldon coolly. Kate sighed.
"All right. Here's my premise: They shouldn't get married on a holiday because should a divorce occur, the holiday will be void as bad luck."
Sheldon scoffed, saying, "Only if one believes in such hokum."
"You may think it's hokum, but Penny doesn't."
"Penny thinks a lot of things, and most of what she thinks is wrong," Sheldon told Kate. He stood and walked to the board, erasing a few numbers, then replacing it with different ones. One wasn't even a number, but a letter.
He returned to his seat, glancing at Kate then at the board yet again.
"Why would it end in divorce anyway?" asked Sheldon. "If one can observe Penny and Leonard's past to-and-fro tango, my only speculation is that Leonard would do what he'd done in the past that had initially negated his relationship with Penny; that was to propose matrimony. However, he has already done so. Retreating to that logic, there's little to no viable data to confirm your premise; ergo, Kate, your consistent anxiety over a wedding is unnecessary and time consuming."
Sheldon looked up at her.
"However, in spite of your anxiety, you must have gotten enough REM sleep to clear the bags from under your eyes," Sheldon noted.
Kate looked at him with a cool stare. He returned it, although slightly confused, but went to looking at his board again.
"Well, Sheldon, I must say, you don't worry about really anything, do you?"
Sheldon shrugged, saying, "I wouldn't deny it. Unless my immediate universe is predicated upon the anxiety of my girlfriend. In that case, I have the whole cosmos to mull over, don't I?" He looked at her. "Why would I worry about anything at this certain point in time?" He then looked back at the board, muttering something under his breath—mathematical related as Kate couldn't understand a thing he said.
"My meeting your mother doesn't worry you?"
"Why should it?" asked Sheldon distractedly. "My mother has already given consent for our relationship, not to mention a foreseeable blessing of marriage and pregnancy." He looked at Kate suddenly. "You aren't pregnant, are you?"
"No," said Kate, taken aback. "We've used protection."
Sheldon nodded his head but relayed, "That's true, but you're not holding you end of contraceptives; so technically, we're only doing our part fifty percent of the way, or at least I am. You meet me on the second half, and we've nailed it."
Kate rolled her eyes, saying, "I'm not using birth control."
"Why not?" Sheldon returned; on his part, it was more inquisitive than dismayed or annoyed.
"Because I've read it can cause cancer."
"Kate, everything when used incorrectly can lead to cancer," said Sheldon. "The adage 'you can have too much of a good thing' isn't inaccurate. Its accuracy has been proven emphatically several times in the past. Consider the following: overuse of stimulant drugs, alcohol, caffeine, sex..."
"You're telling me that too much sex is bad?" Kate returned skeptically.
"If one doesn't hydrate, it leads to dehydration and ultimately death, so yes, Kate, it is bad," Sheldon told her. He turned from the board and looked at her. "You can be so naive at times."
"That's why I have you to educate me, hmm?" Kate replied.
Sheldon offered no answer; to be honest, he didn't know if that was sarcasm, rhetorical or an honest question. Kate took his bowl of pudding and offered it to him a third time. Sheldon shook his head.
"I'm working, Kate. Food is to be consumed on a break," said Sheldon lightly.
"Then take a break," replied Kate.
"I can't take a break; I'm working," Sheldon responded.
"Then I'll eat it." Kate returned.
"Go ahead, there's more pudding from where that came," Sheldon replied. He turned his eyes from her to the board...yet again. Kate ate the pudding in four bites then put in the garbage can provided. She watched him with slight amusement. He touched his hand to his neck for a second then continued muttering to himself.
Clearly, his concentration never suffered when he was being observed. Kate strolled behind him though he touched his neck again, indicative that it was stiff. Sheldon glimpsed her presence for a second then, like before, his focus turned back to the board of difficult equations.
"Sheldon," said Kate gently. "Have you ever considered that maybe, when you come to work, you push yourself too hard?"
"I don't push myself hard enough," Sheldon corrected. "And you continue to be a distraction."
"A good one, I bet," she teased. She touched her hands to his neck. He flinched, bending his head back to look up at her.
"What are you doing?" he questioned.
"I'm going to give you a neck massage," Kate said. "Peachy?"
"Peachy?" repeated Sheldon. `
"Another way of saying 'is that okay?'"
"Why didn't you just say that?" asked Sheldon.
"Because I'm just unique like that, now go back to work and look at your complicated board," Kate instructed.
He made a scathing noise but did as he was told. Kate moved her hands to his neck again and at her touch, he flinched again, but this time, he said nothing. She lined her thumbs over the nape of neck and added pressure, enough to localize the beginnings of a crick in the neck. Kate squeezed the muscle then after a few minutes of this, she lowered her hands to his shoulders and began administering a circular pressure. Sheldon uttered a significant moan of relief, which made Kate's heart leap.
Kate added pressure along his shoulder blades, slightly digging her thumbs and she heard him mumble, "oh, dear lord..." Kate smiled in spite of herself. Kate continued her ministrations for the next five to ten minutes, occasionally, she'd heard him moan softly. Each time made her insides burn.
Her mind fell into the gutter when it echoed in a naughty tone: There you go; standing in Dr. Cooper's office giving him a neck massage, ooh la la.
Kate retrieved her mind set when Sheldon turned his chair. She stepped back and smiled when he took her waist and moved her towards him; she incidentally sat on his lap, her legs on either side of his waist. In turn, one of his hands moved in her locks of hair and pushed her lips to his, the kiss being immediately intense and passionate. Kate pushed against his chest and she pulled back.
"What's gotten into you?" Kate whispered.
"Holiday spirit," Sheldon offered.
"Yeah, right." Kate returned. "What makes you think you can manipulate me into doing things to your convenience and not my own?"
"Officium meum, praeceptaque" Sheldon spoke.
Kate gave him a look, and he said, "That's Latin for 'My office, my rules'."
"You know Latin?"
"I've learned Latin since I was in the fifth grade," Sheldon returned sheepishly. "What I don't understand about you is that you can read, write, speak and understand Elvish and Klingon and yet you're a stranger to Latin. I expected more."
"You expected more?" responded Kate. "What other girl do you know speaks Elvish and Klingon?"
"At this moment, none come to mind." Sheldon responded.
"Is that because you've never met one or is it because you don't want to bend to the fact that I'm right?"
Sheldon held up his head, looking at her with an arrogant expression, saying smoothly, "I'm not going to dignify that with a response."
"Then don't," Kate told him. She kissed him on the lips, long and slow. Then she pulled back and hopped off him. "I'll see you soon."
"Where are you going?" Sheldon inquired. He turned his rolling chair, watching her.
"I'm going Christmas shopping."
"Why?" asked Sheldon.
"Because I'm a very generous person during the holidays," Kate replied vaguely. "Plus, Amy and I were going to have a girls' night out and since bar hopping isn't my cup of tea, I figure Christmas shopping at the mall would be a little more my speed. I play to my advantages."
"Kate, hold on."
Kate held the doorknob of Sheldon's office door but turned slowly around to see he was walking towards her. She gave him a reproachful gaze.
"What is it now?" asked Kate.
"I want you to tell me what you want for Christmas," Sheldon told her.
"You what?"
"Did I stutter?" asked Sheldon.
"No."
"Are you suddenly deaf?"
"Clearly not."
"Then," said Sheldon, crossing his arms, "I don't know why you were unable to hear me the first time. You know I don't like repeating myself."
"At least not to me, right? And you know you like it," Kate teased.
Sheldon gave her a look and Kate rolled her eyes.
"Why don't you just surprise me?" asked Kate.
"I don't like giving nor receiving surprises. Also, I dislike buying presents for people. Although I understand our relationship status, the giving and receiving of items is predicated on the value and sentimental value of the gift. Two years ago, Penny gave me a Christmas present and in order for me to return the value of the gift assuredly, I purchased several differently valued gift baskets." Sheldon told Kate.
"I know," she returned. "Penny gave you a Leonard Nimoy napkin and you gave her ten baskets; also, you hugged her." She smirked, adding, "One of your ever so rare Sheldon hugs."
"Yes," Sheldon uttered, slightly annoyed.
"So rather than surprising me with a Christmas present which coming from you I would no more or less value your gift to the highest degree, you'd rather me make a list of what I want and call you Kris Kringle?" Kate responded smoothly.
Sheldon gave her another scolding look, replying, "I'd prefer you call me 'Dr. Sheldon Cooper'. I was neither born at the North Pole; to prove a further point, I exist."
Kate stepped towards him and kissed his cheek.
"It's always nice talking to you, Lovey." Kate walked out of the office. Sheldon watched after her. He never did get her Christmas list.
Author's Note: Sorry for the long delayed update. I'm so happy this story has been picking up with a lot of people! Thank you all for the references to your friends! This is becoming so huge! :D