"One without love, no more revisited"

Hey kiddies, please tell your friends and even creepy strangers on the street :O to come read this story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Loveless or the quote from the song "Hope" by the band "Down and Above".

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Chapter 4: Lasting

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"What's on your mind Aoyagi-kun?" Shouko-sensei questioned.

"Sometimes… I still think about my amnesia."

"That's to be expected" she assured.

Nearly a decade had passed since the onslaught of his amnesia and further psychological trauma.

Thankfully no one but those close to him knew about it, and only Natsuo and Youji ever said unfeeling comments: "Why don't you stop thinking about it, and just get on with your life?"- As if it was so easy.

Yes, somehow he was able to move beyond the past, but remembering the fact that he didn't remember such a huge amount of his life still troubled him.

In spite of reaching the turning point his admission of love brought, he did not have a complete hold on his psyche.

He still found himself being overly dawn on himself, such as instances when he became angry at the eruption of emotion when he thought of his amnesia.

No one in his life could understand the extent of it, not even Soubi; it was his amnesia after all.

He couldn't help the memory rising to his thoughts at times. It wasn't a matter of "letting it go", sometimes he wanted to forget that he forgot, as odd as it seemed.

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Soubi stood as Ritsuka walked into the waiting room. Noting deep violet eyes were shaded by dark hair, he knew instantly something was wrong.

They exited the office as rain began to fall from a dark blue sky. The silver car was nearby. As they sat and buckled their seatbelts (Soubi's rule), Soubi tried to read his troubled face, but Ritsuka turned to the window.

He knew to approach certain topics slowly with his young partner.

"What type of thoughts did you share with your therapist today?"

Feeling disconnected from the world Ritsuka breathed in. "There are things that stay in my life I wish weren't there in the first place…"

"I'm not sure I under-" Soubi began, but Ritsuka cut him off quietly saying "I know."

This is something deeper…

The teen shook his head.

"I'm sorry about that I'm just… confused right now." He shook his head again.

Long fingers slowly moved hair out of his face, followed by a soft caress.

"I just!" Ritsuka started, surprising them both.

Peering into blue eyes, searching, he spoke quietly, "Sometimes I still wish I could remember…"

Ah, this…

"Sometimes I think about it and I become so sad… then I get mad at myself because it's not my life now. My life is with you now, and I want to stop being sad."

"Ritsuka I may not understand how it feels to have lived through all that you have, but I do understand wanting to be happy." How could he explain it?

"There's a reason we have an assortment of emotions. You're not supposed to remain angry or sad all the time. Along with that, as much as we both want it, there's no way to be happy at all times. If that was possible, believe me I would assure you never stopped being happy." He kissed Ritsuka's pale forehead.

It hurt Soubi to know there was nothing he could do to fix this problem, and make his love's life better.

With a reassuring smile, "Thanks Soubi, that helped."

I'll try to explain it to you someday Soubi…

Ritsuka knew he didn't understand what it felt like to have amnesia, but if there was anyone who understood him best, it was Soubi. In time he would help him overcome every obstacle.

*There is hope further down the road…

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End of chapter 4

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A/N: The description is a small part of what it's truly like living with amnesia.

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