Sorry about the long wait! It may be a bit before the next chapter as well, because I am trying to edit my stories.
Chapter 17, Worth Everything
Icepaw's paws trudged on the hard ground. It was the morning after Nightrose had asked her to return. She had asked for until sunhigh. But what could she possibly decide, when she didn't even know what she wanted?
Her fur was fluffed out. It was freezing, and the sky was gray. She was walking along the ThunderClan border, even though she knew she shouldn't be. She was in between ShadowClan and ThunderClan. Icepaw thought, This is just where I started. She was angry at Nightrose for making her face this decision. She had been perfectly happy in ShadowClan before Nightrose, Snowpaw and Forestpaw had come. They had shattered her peace.
The night before had frozen all of the water. The most lively streams burbled under a thin covering of ice, while most were simply frozen for all practical purposes. As a result, the grass was stiff with frozen dew and almost hurt her delicate paws to walk on. She dimly wondered if Nightrose might see her here, and press her for an answer sooner than she wanted to give one.
Icepaw refused to sit down. It would only make her colder. In fact, there was nowhere without frost to sit down. She contented herself with pacing along the hard, frozen ground. In the fog of her mind she tried to decide what it was she wanted. She wanted to wail that it wasn't fair and that she could never decide; but she knew she had to. It should have been instinctual, happiness over unhappiness. But perhaps what Icepaw did not realize was that both made her happy, but both made her sad as well. They were both part of her, and she had to choose between them. Her very soul fought against the separation, wanting to keep her pacing along the border for the rest of her life. She thought ruefully that at least she would never have to choose between the two that way.
But she had to choose. Finally her resolution not to sit down melted away, unlike the unyielding frost, and she crunched down on the grass. She shivered involuntarily. Then she began to make her impossible decision. She loved ThunderClan. It was where she was born, it was where she had had her apprentice ceremony. It was where her roots were. But if ThunderClan was all that was in her heart, why had she ever left? She knew why. The dark pine trees, the soft floor of needles, the lack of scratchy undergrowth, the freeness of living in ShadowClan was irresistible. It drew her from afar, from the oak woods of ThunderClan. It had drawn her to this moment. She would not be in the agony of indecision if she had not been drawn away in the first place, she realized. Was it all her own fault, then? She thought not. Icepaw loved ShadowClan, and she knew she loved it. It was part of her; she stopped. This would get her nowhere. If she loved both, then how could she possibly decide? Pros and cons? She pushed the idea away with a snort. That was a ridiculous way to decide her life. What was it that her heart truly wanted? The warmth of ThunderClan, or the freedom of ShadowClan?
A rustling in the bushes took her attention away from her own brooding thoughts. Her blue eyes instinctively moved towards the sound, and her heart began to beat a little faster; then she saw who it was. She calmed back down, and a purr rose in her throat. She knew the familiar fluffed out gray coat and the sparkling amber eyes. "Wolfsong!" she purred.
Wolfsong padded forward, and gently touched noses with her. "You have a tough decision, don't you?"
Icepaw pulled away for a moment, eyes glittering with suspicion. "How do you know?"
Wolfsong also sat down on the frozen stems of grass. "Two reasons."
"Go on."
"First, I know you. I know that indecisive look in your eyes. I know when you're thinking hard about something, but you can't come to a conclusion." Wolfsong paused, amber eyes full of concern. "Also, they told me what was going on. They thought as your mentor I had a right to know what they had done."
"Do you agree with them? Do you think I should come back?" Icepaw asked anxiously. For some reason, she cared much more about Wolfsong's opinion than Nightrose's. In the instant she realized it, she knew why. Wolfsong had never lied to her, never betrayed her. She trusted Wolfsong absolutely.
She blinked slowly. "You're not going to like my answer. It's whatever your heart pulls you toward the most. I know that isn't an answer, because I know that you can't decide right now. You probably just want me to tell you, pick ShadowClan, or pick ThunderClan. I can't do that. You have to make your choice, and live with your choice. But Icepaw, remember this. You have to live with your choices, that's what you have to do until the day you die. But if you're not happy, then you can change it. The warrior code says the word of your Clan Leader is law, but you have the right to choose your Clan leader. Only choosing will make you certain. If you pick wrong, then you have to go back and do it right, no matter what the cost is. Because you're not living if you're not happy. That's all I can tell you."
Icepaw shut her eyes as Wolfsong trudged away. She wanted to say something to Wolfsong, but she didn't know what.
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The sun shone on the hard ground, making all the droplets of frozen dew shine like a diamond. It was an hour before sunhigh when Nightrose, Snowpaw and Forestpaw pushed their way through the branches of the holly tree. Icepaw sat on the ground, waiting for them.
"Icepaw, please come back." Snowpaw implored.
Nightrose silenced her with a quick twitch of her straight black tail. "Will you give us your decision now?" she asked. Her green eyes were unreadable.
Icepaw was silent for a moment, blue eyes contemplating the three before her.
Decide, Icepaw. Snowpaw thought. Come back to us. We're your family. Her heart throbbed in the terrible wait that meant so much to her. The air felt unbearably cold in her lungs as she waited.
"I will come back to ThunderClan at dawn tomorrow." Icepaw finally answered.
Before Snowpaw could rush over to her and tell her how pleased she was and how happy she was to have her back and how much fun they would have together, Icepaw had left. The air swooshed where she had been as a lump rose in Snowpaw's throat.
Nightrose's green eyes showed nothing.
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After spending most of the day near the willow tree and the stream, she came back to ShadowClan camp. Sleetflash's den was the first place she headed.
"Sleetflash," she whispered into the cold night air.
"What is it?" her dark gray head poked out of the den where she had been sorting herbs. The smell of watermint wafted in the air.
"I'm leaving. My sister and my mother came yesterday. I have to see if I can be happy there, to make them happy. Don't hate me." There was so, so much more to say, but it seemed as if there was no time.
Her blue eyes blinked. "I don't hate you, Icepaw."
"Then it's goodbye."
"It's never goodbye. I will see you again, Icepaw. It's never the end, and it's never goodbye. We will always see each other again." Her dark form looked sleek in the moonlight.
"I'm glad. Thank you for bringing me here." She swung her white head toward the ground. Then she looked up again. "I know you're right. Someday, we will meet again."
Petalstar was kind and accepting, but Icepaw could tell she wished that Icepaw had figured this out sooner. "ShadowClan will miss a warrior like you," she had said. Her mentor had simply blinked, and nodded.
Next came the one goodbye she could not face. The big oak with a fallen branch that looked like an anvil loomed in the darkness before her. In one of it's moss filled hollows, Snakepaw was sleeping.
"Goodbye, my friend." Her words seemed to weave their way through the air, and into his dreams. He twitched a little in his sleep. She knew that her words would linger there, and in the morning they would crash through his mind once again. There was nothing for it. She had given her verdict to Nightrose. She had to go back to ThunderClan.
Her throat felt raw from the goodbye she had said in the apprentices den. Nothing would ever be the same again.
"ThunderClan, you'd better be worth it," she muttered. After a moment she added, "You'd better be worth everything."
In response to reviews:
Miryam Lea: Thank you for your concern for... me, um, well, Icepaw... *Sighs* Anyway, thanks...
Someone without a pen name - no, seriously, you didn't have a pen name: Okay, thank you. Hm, good point. I think he's just there to support Snowpaw, personally. I didn't really think about that, but I think it's just because of Snowpaw; in my mind at least.
MyrtleFalls: Heh, sorry about that. You might get a feeling as to what is going to happen, but I am not giving out spoilers. Feel free to guess around though, I'm curious if you guessed what is going to happen. Okay, thanks for reading! It means a lot.
Horse8910: Thank you!
DIGITAL RANDOMNESS: WOW! Okay! I'm really glad you liked it, I didn't even think it was that good... but thanks an infinite amount for making me see it in a new light!\
~Iceshadow of ShadowClan/...?~