Thanks goes to SUNMIST, Badgerclaw ThunderClan Warrior, and Iceshadow911247. The chapter title is kind of lousy, but oh well.
Chapter 31, Reasons and Questions
Two moons had passed and the cold air of leafbare was coming, leaves drifted through the gray sky to be cradled softly on the ground.
It was on this cloudy afternoon that a litter of kits was being born. Mudsplash and Fishshadow's kits. The leaf fall splash of colors was dimmed by the hazy surroundings as the eyes of misery watched from the ThunderClan and ShadowClan border.
Iceshadow sat between the two borders, two Clans, two sides of herself that had always battled inside of her. She had lost her mentor, the cat who had taught her the difference between right and wrong, how to defend herself - and to do anything to follow her heart.
What if I can't follow my heart?
What if my heart is wrong?
What if I don't know my heart is telling me?
Questions like this had plagued Iceshadow's apprentice days, and now they had returned. When she thought she had figured it out, when she thought she could live the rest of her life in peace with the ones she loved, her mentor was snatched away from her.
Her sister Snowblossom had given birth a month before, but Iceshadow was reluctant to tread on ThunderClan territory. She felt as if it was singing to her, trying to hold her under its sway once again.
Why did you have to leave me all alone?
The truth became stark clear as Iceshadow contemplated all that had befallen her.
It's because I wasn't good enough.
When she thought about her life, it came like drops of rain pouring down, flashing past her very eyes.
Flying on top of Forestkit, attacking a Clanmate, after taunting him.
It's because I was too violent.
Leaving everyone she had cared about, leaving Wolfsong and leaving her family.
It's because I didn't care enough about you.
She remembered insanity clouding her mind, a terrible prophecy coming to her.
It's because I was destined for evil.
The final reason came to her, cold and clear in the warm autumn light.
It's because I'm bad, because I'm dark, because I'm wrong.
There was something wrong with her, there had to be.
Because if there wasn't, there was no excuse.
No excuse for being who she was.
*.*
The pines were dark and gloomy as Iceshadow trod the ground underneath them, returning to ShadowClan camp.
Snakeclaw brushed up beside her. "Iceshadow," he murmured.
Snakeclaw was the one person who hadn't left her, it seemed. Snowblossom and Forestshadow were now parents, and had left her in that way. Nightrose had found Shadefrost again. Wolfsong had died.
Snakeclaw was still here - but how could he love her? How could he love a cat who could so easily succumb to the treacherous but seductive grips of insanity? "What is it?" she asked, her mind on other things. Her mind was still on Wolfsong, and partially on Snowblossom's kits.
"I think there's something to see," he said simply, and then with a cold sweep of air he was gone, pointing with his tail towards the nursery. Iceshadow looked thoughtfully after her loved one. She wondered if someday she would have kits. Now, it seemed unreal.
When she was an apprentice, she used to think about things like that. She used to imagine what each of them would be like, and whether they would become warriors or maybe a medicine cat - but that had been wishful thinking, flights of fancy. Nothing like reality.
She headed through the air, which seemed thick, towards the dark and secluded nursery. "Mudsplash?" her voice rang out in the enclosed space. It almost seemed hollow.
"Iceshadow," Mudsplash purred.
Sleetflash, on the other hand, hissed her name. "Iceshadow, get over here."
Iceshadow responded quickly to the command, frowning at its harshness. Sleetflash had given up trying to help her over Wolfsong's death long ago - in these two moons Iceshadow had stayed true to her words and so she intended to remain. She could not simply get over her mentor's death, she would not.
She stared down at the nest of kits before her eyes, stretched and tangled through each other. The kits were wet from licking. Three tiny bodies squirmed, and Iceshadow had a hard time imagining they could really be cats. They seemed alien, simply different somehow.
But they must be cats, they must have personalities and dreams in the making, she told herself. They were so strange, though.
"They're beautiful," she said, with a bit of uncertainty.
But Sleetflash was intent on something else, truly not paying any attention to Iceshadow of Mudsplash's feelings. Her blue eyes gleamed in the warm darkness, seeming to try and convey a message just through looking.
"Look at them," she hissed in the same, harsh, quiet voice.
Iceshadow, compelled to obey by some strange force, as if her eyes were being dragged once again to the wet mounds of fur. Covered by two other, unknowing bodies was the third kit.
At first Iceshadow saw only a strange occurrence - it already had it's eyes open. She supposed that might be of some interest to Sleetflash as a medicine cat, but why would Snakeclaw have come to tell her to go then?
Then she looked closer.
The third kit was a gray kit, with wide amber eyes. The eyes were wise, and Iceshadow inexorably recognized those eyes and the deepness and wisdom in them.
"Wolfsong," she breathed.
Cliffie! Sort of... Thanks to all my loyal reviewers and readers again, it makes me so happy to know you like it. Also I have a question for any reviewers who would be open to me PMing them to ask them - regarding plot! Thanks guys... if you don't mind say so in your review. Thanks!
~Iceshadow~